I don't know if I am stating a fact here or looking for an opinion but, I have come to realize that the OM that I had my one and only A with looks/resembles physically and personality wise my husband alot.

In getting over the hurt of the A and the actual ending of the A, I have tried to distance myself from reminders of the OM (deleted his pictures etc). However there are things that continue to remind me of him.

For instance, there is a show on TV,maybe you have seen it, its called American Chopper (motorcycle show) and the son on the show looks like both my H and OM. Funny thing is OM had a motorcycle at one point and H loves them and wants them.

It's weird. Now I find myself watching that show with my H just to see that guy...and I do it, I think of OM.

I wonder why when I look at him I don't think, as hard as I try, of my H.

Why is the OM so persistently in my head when really he shares alot of the same physical and personality traits as my H?

I am messed up, I know. Just want him out of my head!!!

Sally.

You mean your OM looks like Mikey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ?

NO!!!
They both look like Paul Jr!

Although both OM and H's name are Mike

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My OM isn't like H, but I realized in the middle of A that EA from first marriage, and PA I just got over - they were strikingly similar in looks, build, personality - and first and current H's are so nice (almost too nice at times). Seems I pick one type of guy for marriage material, and a different type of guy for A material. (really like those bad boys!) I, too, wish I could stop thinking about him - but it's pretty constant.

Felina

Um, HOTTIE? Ya, mm hmmm

http://groups.msn.com/OCCOrangeCoun...cs.msnw?action=ShowPhoto&PhotoID=148

Felina;

When did your A end and how long did it last?

Have you maintained NC? Do you get the urget to contact? What do you do to get him out of your mind and how do you get yourself to have thsoe feelings for your H?

Just curious,
Sally.

Sally, Last week was pretty good with H, this week, I have really struggled with myself. Maybe because we have a lot of huge extra stressors that keep adding one on top of another - financial stuff.

I would say EA lasted almost 1 1/2 years, with a 2 month VERY heated, intense...... PA. We did a lot of remodeling and building/construction work together, and that is really my fortay, so I can see how he attracted me.

D-day was Nov 19, 2003. I have maintained NC (broke it twice in first week - but not since then) but have to admit - he cut me off when H found out - I am pretty sure I would have cheated on NC if I could have (probably not for long because 2 times were too painful - it just would have taken a lot longer for fog to lift.)

As far as pushing away the thoughts - sometimes I just tell myself to stop it when I think of him, other times I wallow in pity that I can't still be with him, even though it wouldn't work anyway, sometimes, esp when I am alone, I actually enjoy the memories - like it's still my own little fantasy - only it will never be acted on again. I know that is bad, and I am trying to cut those out, but sometimes I just can't (just being honest).

Often, I really miss being with him, and it catches me off guard - like today - I went to the bar area of a new restaurant by work to order some food to go. I sat there and had water while I waited - I always used to meet OM in those places, then we would have a margarita or two and have a great time before we went whereever else - I actually got profoundly sad, and almost started crying. I really miss the friendship as much as the physical stuff. How can you just get over that - even if you know you can't go back - you always want to. What I really miss, too, is the excitement, and the rush. My life at home is way too stressful right now for any excitement! So naturally, I try to seek out that rush again. Sometimes it feels like I am chained in place and can't get out - I almost get a bit claustrophobic feeling - feeling trapped by staying married - I am working through a lot of these issues with my counselor - it's slow going (stems to childhood) I still think, sometimes, that I would rather be single - but obviously, that wouldn't be a good option either.

Sorry I'm rambly - Like I said, it's been a hard week, and I've been "at war" with myself the last couple days - honestly, I really want to be back in love with my H and have all of this go away - it takes too much energy!!!! I guess life is just not that simple.

Thanks for listening

Felina

Felina;

Thanks for the insight into your dilemma.

I need to be able to hear it from someone else who truly wants to find that attraction, love and passion with their H but is having trouble.

Although OM and I were together only 2 times physically, the EA really affected me more.

The sex was wild, maybe moreso because we both travelled hours to be together that day. I dont know.

The friendship that ensued was something that I so valued and am the most sad that I dont have.

Nothing was ever to come of this relationship (both married and never wanted to leave our spouses). Infact, when he told me he wanted out, he said that "I dont think either of us realized the imapct we would have on eachother and our lives". IT was just ya know, someone to tell your innermost thoughts too...a cool connection. Something that really should be with your spouse, I know. Infact he would tell me the things I should do and say to my H to get him to give me the attention I so craved.

I know that he adored his wife. He felt trmendous guilt and when he was thinkin of me more then he was focusing on her, he had to stop it.

SO many things remind me of him...the car he drives, mens faces that resemble him, songs, places.

Its extrmely hard.....I know that contacting him will do nothing...I truly think he doesnt want to hear from me and that it will 1, make me look like a needy lose (turn off) and 2, put me 3 steps back.

His bday is around the corner (feb 2) and it will be all I can do to not write him to express that I have missed him.

I am trying at home with H, but its like the feelings arent there....like last night I wanted to cuddle, and love, and my H wanted to have sex and got angry when I never gave him that...we did have sex less that a week ago so its not THAT long without it. When I mention it, he says "what you are counting the days??????" He is a very sexual man, loves porn etc. I just dont have literally ANY desire right now.

Felina, thanks for your words,
Sally.

Sally,


You wrote:
"I am trying at home with H, but its like the feelings arent there....like last night I wanted to cuddle, and love, and my H wanted to have sex and got angry when I never gave him that...we did have sex less that a week ago so its not THAT long without it."

Tell him how you feel. You're feelings for him will return when he starts meeting your EN. (And your feelings for OM become less strong.)

You are still very early in the stages of recovery...and sounds as if you are doing great. Keep it up, and I promise you it will get better. Keep reading, trying at home, and posting. Diane

Diane

I do tell him, then he gets angry--sometimes even saying that "It kills me that you were probably SOOOO into the sex with OM" etc etc. Or he just get angry without mentioning OM, like he feels rejected.

Where maybe before the A was exposed, he would have been a bit disappointed about no sex, no he REALLY gets offended and feels low I think.

And he can pick up when we do have sex and I dont want to or are not into it...he knows it. Infact, the day I met OM late last winter I came home and that night, he wanted to have sex. Me, not wanting to give any vibes that anything was "off" did it, and he said to me that night "whats up? You were so NOT into that?? Like you were dead or not even there?" He has a very keen instinct to say the least.

Anyhow....I will keep trying, I guess thats all I can do seeing as he doesnt think MC will help anymore then we can help ourselves.

Ho hum,
Sally.

Sally and Felina

Something both of you need to think about. Both of you say that the OP was a friend. Well, that isn't true. A true friend would have respected your M vows. He or she would never have allowed it to go beyond friendship. Both your OP really only cared for one thing, and that was what they were getting out of the A. Besides that they really couldn't care how you were feeling, or what would happen when the A came to light. They only wanted their own gratifacation. Why not think of that when you think on your "friendship". To them it was a means to an end.

Sally, if you think of the OM when watching that show, stop watching the show. And, yes tell you H what and why your watching the show for.

As for your H, his self value took a big hit because of the A, but he shouldn't be using the A as a club though. You do need to tell him that if he has forgiven you then he needs to stop using the A as a weapon. But, you also need to remember he want SF to feel your love. I do agree that not every touch needs to lead to sex. But that is something you both need to work out. Also, don't make a comparison between your H and the OM. All that can do is cause problems. Also your H is by far the better person.

Your H is still there, he is the better person. As for your OP, he is already off with the next A partner. Don't fall into the trap on thinking that you are or will be the only one.

Felina,
I'm glad your trying to stop thinking of those "fond" memories. When those hit try thinking about the pain your causing your H. As for triggers, you need to face them. You could try to reclaim those situations for you and your H. Make it a memory for both of you. Just a thought.

Well, I do hope both of you have better days.

<small>[ January 15, 2004, 09:13 AM: Message edited by: Silverthorn ]</small>

Well, all you can do is keep trying. Maybe it would help him to come to this message board if he won't go to MC.

Have you considered going to IC yourself?

Personally, it was a while before we resumed our sex life. So I didn't go through what you are describing. Diane

Sally I don't know if this will help but you might want to consider printing it and giving it to your H:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

From Barbara DeAngelis book "What Women Want Men To Know":

The Love Diet: How To Feed Your Partner's Heart.

This is the "Love Diet". I've created it as an easy way to remember and practice feeding your partner's heart and being a wonderful lover outside of the bedroom. It's simple, it's fun, and it will make a big difference in your relationship.

When you study nutrition, you learn about the basic food groups -vegetables, grains, proteins, dairy products- and the importance of having each of these every day. Well, the emotional nutrition is the same -feeding your partner's heart means making sure you give him or her all of the basic "emotional food groups" each day. What are these? I call them The Three A's: Attention, Affection, and Appreciation. They are the secret ingredients contained in the Love Diet that will fill up your partner's heart: You pay attention, you show affection, and you express appreciation.

If I asked you right now how often you need to eat every day, you'd probably answer that you need to eat at least two or three times a day, with a few snacks in between. Well, I'd like you to think about feeding your partner's heart in the same way with the following Love Diet.

*Love Meals: Your partner needs three Love Meals a day. What is a Love Meal? It's a time each day for three minutes when you feed your partner's heart with one or more of the menu items contained in the Three A's: Attention, Affection, or Appreciation. I call this the 3X3 formula, three times a day, when you choose to actively love your partner for at least three minutes. Think about it as three minutes of intimacy. Maybe it is three minutes in the morning together before you get out of bed,or three minutes on the phone in the middle of the day, or three minutes after the kids go to sleep. These are Love Meals. Just like you'd have breakfast, lunch, and dinner, you have Love Meal#1,#2,and #3!!

*Love Snacks: Even when you eat several good meals a day, you need a snack once in a while, don't you? Well, the same applies to feeding your partner's heart. Along with the 3X3 formula of three Love Meals a day, give your mater several love snacks during the day. What is a love snack?:

*A kiss on the cheek or the neck when you are passing your partner.

*A quick call to say: "I Love You".

*A compliment: "You Look Gorgeous".

*A look or smile that contains all of your love.

*A note left in your partner's purse or message left on her cell phone.

Now that you know the basics of the Love Diet, here is a description ot it's three main ingredients: The Three A's.

1. Attention

One of the most common ways we starve the heart of someone we love is by not giving them enough attention. This is why paying attention is one of the most effective ways to make your partner feel loved and is the first ingredient in the Love Diet.

Paying attention means being there 100 percent in the moment with the person you love."Oh, I already do this", you might say "We spend lots of time together". But the truth is, spending time together doesn't necessarily mean you're really giving her your full attention. You're talking with her, but you are also playing with the dog. You're sitting next to her, but you're also watching your favorite show on TV. That's not paying attention. And she will feel it. In other words, it doesn't count as a Love Meal.

Giving your partner your attention means being there fully with her. You are not doing anything else. You are not watching TV. You are not opening the mail while you talk. You are not fooling around on your computer. You are giving her all of your attention, even for a few minutes. How? Look into her eyes. Ask her how she's doing. Listen. Hold her. That attention will nourish her heart more than you can imagine.

Paying attention to someone you love like this tells her she is important to you, that you value her, that for those three minutes three times a day, she is the only thing that matters in the world. When you fully pay attention, precious moments of intimacy and passion can occur. This is one of the best forms of foreplay, as we'll see in the sex section.

2. Affection

You may have heard of a famous survey taken in the past five years when thousands of women were asked whether they would rather have intercourse with their husband, or just cuddle. What was the response? Almost 80 percent of the women said they'd rather cuddle than have sex! Men are baffled, not to say disappointed, by these statistics, but women understand them completely. Simply put, most women are starving for more physical, non-sexual affection from their partner.

Affection is the second ingredient in the Love Diet. It means physically connecting with your partner three times a day for three minutes- holding her hand, embracing her, kissing her, stroking her hair, being physically intimate.

When you are affectionate with your partner, you link your energies on a physical dimension and creat a flow between your hearts. When you show your mate physical affection, you are feeding her heart in a profound way.

Why do some men have a problem being affectionate? They fall prey to what I call the "All-or-Nothing Syndrome" This is a beleif that says "If I don't have time to do it all, I will just do nothing" and it's based on the misunderstanding that all sexual sensation has to end in orgasm. In the minds of some men, they think that if they get aroused, they're supposed to go ahead and have sex. So if they don't have time to go all the way they avoid even getting excited, feeling it will be a "waste".

For instance, a man is lying in bed with his wife in the morning, and she reaches over and starts to cuddle with him. He begins to feel aroused, but realizes he has to get out of bed within five minutes or he will be late for work. So he pushes her away and says, "Not now, honey, I have to get up". She feels hurt and rejected, and can't understand why her husband doesn't want to be affectionate with her. He doesn't even realize anything is wrong. Later that night, when he does have time for sex, she seems cold and disinterested, and he can't understand why.

What is happening here is the All-or-Nothing Syndrome. He felt he didn't have time to do everything, so he wouldn't even hug or kiss his partner, feeling it couldn't lead to anything. But guys, affection isn't always supposed to lead to something. It is an experience of intimacy in itself. Besides, those Love Meals of affection will have a great effect on your sex life. We talked earlier in the book about the Love Bank each of us has, and not making deposits in the wrong account! Well, whenever you show affection toward your partner, you are making a deposit in her Love and Intimacy Bank. How does that affect your sex life? As we'll see later, the higher the balance in a woman's Love and Intimacy Bank, the more turned on she will be by you, and the more she'll want to make love.

3. Appreciation

"I know he loves me, but he doesn't appreciate me" I hear this lament from women all the time about their partners. That's because most women are starving for more appreciation from the men we love. When men hear this, they are confused. "How can she say I don't appreciate her? I work hard to support her and the kids; I'm faithful; I remodeled the basement for her last year. I do lots of things to show my appreciation".

Guys, what you're talking about is showing your appreciation by things you do. But what really feeds a woman's heart is hearing you express your appreciation in words..

Most women are much more verbal than men, and often things don't feel real to us until they are spoken. Knowing you appreciate us isn't always enough -we need to hear you say it. We need your words. Your words of love and praise are like precious jewels to us. We collect them and cherish them, and they make us feel valued and rich with happiness and contentment.

How should you express your appreciation?

*Tell us what you love about us.

*Tell us what you appreciate that we do for you and our family.

*Tell us what you admire in us.

*Tell us what you're grateful for about being with us.

*Tell us what you're proud of us for.

Often men feel they are appreciating their mates, even verbally, but what they don't realize is they may not be appreciating them for the things they really need appreciation for. In particular, women in my surveys begged me to tell men that they really want and need more appreciation for taking care of the children and the home. So many women expressed the need to hear their mate apppreciate them for being a good mother, or making the house beautiful, or always having his shirts cleaned and ironed, or keeping his favorite foods in the refrigerator. Working mothers in particular wanted their men to know that they would like to be appreciated for taking care of the children and the home while also holding a part- or full-time job. As one woman wrotte:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I need to hear that I'm a great mother and wife, that he appreciates my cooking dinner after I work a nine- or ten hour day; that he appreciates the fact that I handle the details about the house - from organizing the lawn being mowed to having the car inspected, to taking the dog to the vet or our daughter to the doctor"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've found that it's not that men don't appreciate the efforts wives make in these areas. It's that often women are so good at multitasking that it appears it's all effortless to us, thus the men just take it for granted and don't realize how hard we are working to keep it all together. It may look easy guys, but it's not! You can't imagine how hearing you say "Thanks for dinner, honey", or "You dressed the kids so nicely for church this morning", or "I really appreciate your remembering to make my dentist appointment" feeds our hearts with love.

Gratitude Snack Before Bed

Here's a simple and powerful technique for feeding your partner's heart with Appreciation. I call it Gratitude Snack Before Bed. It's a way you can express your appreciation and gratitude to your partner for something she(or he) did that day. You get in bed, and before you go to sleep, take a minute to thank your mate for something from the day:

"Thank you for watching the kids tonight so I could go to the gym".

"Thank you for making my favorite pasta for dinner"

"Thank you for calling at work today -it really cheered me up"

"Thankyou for the shoulder rub when I came home. I really needed it"

"Thank you for being so patient with me this morning when I was so grumpy"

It's great to take turns giving each other little Gratitutde Snacks. You'll be amazed how much you can find to be grateful for once you put your attention to it. And by the way, don't be surprised if your Gratitude Snack turns into another kind of more physical snack. Love is the best kind of foreplay there is.

I came up with the Three A's because men so often would say to me "I want to be a better husband, but I'm not sure what to do" or "I know my girlfriend needs more attention from me, but I never seem to know exactly what she needs". The Three A's make it simple: Just pick one -
Attention, Affection, or Appreciation- and you can't go wrong. Better yet, combine all three for a triple whammy of love!

Feeding your partner's heart with the Three A's is like a love insurance policy. Do you know that the majority of extramarital affairs happen not because the person is looking for sex, but because they are looking for the Three A's? When women who've been unfaithful are asked about the reasons they cheated on their mates, very few of them say "Because I met a guy with a nice body" or "I wanted to have sex with my yoga instructor, who seemed very limber". Most women confess that the reason they strayed outside their relationship was that they were love-starved. They weren't getting enough Attention, Affection, or Appreciation from their mate, and eventually found it elsewhere.

This isn't an editorial comment on infidelity, but rather a reminder that if you make sure to give her Love Meals and Love Snacks every day, she won't walk around hungry looking for somewhere else to eat!

If you're presently in a relationship, I hope you try the Love Diet right away. Make a commitment to do it just for one week, three times a day for three minutes using the Three A's, and a few Love Snacks in between, and you will be amazed at the results. Your partner will glow with love, and you'll feel more love.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Sooo if they "remind" you of hubby they are only facsimiles of him so I say go for the real thing!

I don't think he wants you to "try" he wants you to "do". He needs for you to "feel" and show it. You crushed him now he has to be re-inflated and it is going to take a lot of air to pump him up and the pump has to go 24/7 and probably that won't be enough for a long time. Things that didn't bother him before will now bother him. His age,a gray hair,a crooked tooth,too much hair, not enough hair, a word, a glance, a sigh, a taste, a place, a song, going to MC, not going to MC, something you wear, something you don't wear, the way you touch him, the way you don't touch him, what you are thinking, what you are not thinking, your "private little fantasies". You have to "turn off" OM and "turn on" H yeah it's a B***h but you have to do it. I have to do it. Buried under all that BS (and I don't mean Betrayed spouse) all those feelings for the OM are the feelings for your H. You have to bring them back not him. Your feelings are not his responsibility. Stop mourning over the loss of the OM and mourn over the pain your H is experiencing. If you need to get into grief counseling/loss of relationship but find away to reach deep inside you and bring out the best in you. I know it is there but you have to dig for it.
H
H

<small>[ January 15, 2004, 10:24 AM: Message edited by: Hiker ]</small>

Sally,

I want to thank you. I often sit here and offer suggestions, but I also forget something. I forget what I learned here a long time ago: How selfish an A can be and how it really changes ones perspective.

You have done the worst thing you could do to your H and your marriage; you had an affair. Your H could have just exploded and filed for divorce, but he didn't. He could have turned a cold shoulder to you and co-exist with you, but it seems he didn't. He could have tried to reestablish love with you, and he has.

You write that OM looks like H. Other men that look like H attract you, but you don't connect the dots. You by your own admission had wild sex with OM. Your H by your own admission is "a very sexual man".

And then you say: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am trying at home with H, but its like the feelings arent there....like last night I wanted to cuddle, and love, and my H wanted to have sex and got angry when I never gave him that...we did have sex less that a week ago so its not THAT long without it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello! guess what he is trying to do. Reestablish his marriage, receive SOME consideration from you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do tell him, then he gets angry--sometimes even saying that "It kills me that you were probably SOOOO into the sex with OM" etc etc. Or he just get angry without mentioning OM, like he feels rejected. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this a surprise? It is the truth.

You probably also think you are doing him a FAVOR by being with him. I would like to suggest that you have more to lose than you realize, and he has MUCH LESS to lose than you are willing to admit.

You will lose an H that loves you and the family. He would be losing a cheating W that doesn't love him.

It is time you quit focusing on the fantasy of the OM. HE was NOT special, he was worse than ordinary, he was a lying cheating man. You are a lying cheating woman. The only issue left is if you are going to continue or are you going to rise above this event, learn from it, and become what you can be: a clear thinking, loving, generous, giving human being, woman, wife, and mother.

You have choices, but you are chosing to ignore many things including your H's needs. He has a lot of healing and learning of his own to do, but you rejecting him and saying you don't know why he might want to be close to you sexually is pretty shortsighted in my mind.

I know this sounds harsh, but you put yourself in this situation, you claim you want to work things out with your H, and yet all you post is about OM and your feelings for him, and how your H just doesn't understand. MY MESSAGE IS THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND... many things. Start learning and understanding them. In order to do that you need to change your perspective and perhaps even look at this mess from your H's point of view now and then.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks everyone for your input, it helps. What kills me is that I know what kind of relationship I had with OM. He would tell me when we were together that he knew it was wrong, but he keeps coming back because he is selfish and is enjoying it so much. I know he didn't care about how he was hurting my family, but at the time, neither did I.

What I can't get through to myself and keep having personal wars about is why can't I accept that the A was what is was, and stop adding so much to it? Why am I so stubborn that I won't totally choose to give everything to my M? Why do I remain so closed off (again, of my own free will)? I know that all I am doing is causing my H more pain by remaining cold to him, and it hurts me to, so why do I do it? Am I that much of a power freak that I have to control everything by not giving, or only giving when I want too?

About the sex - how do you get over comparing? I don't think anyone will ever top the intensity and enjoyment I had with OM in that area - right or wrong. When I made love with H the other night, I was doing everything I could not to cry the whole time, because it will never be what I want in this area - it's all right, but that's it. We've always had issues in this area. How do I get over that? I don't want to compare when I am with H, but my brain just brings it up.

I am really confused right now, and know that time will answer a lot of these questions, but why won't I give?

Felina

Felina:

Sadly, I was a distant second for my WW, too. I decided I don't want to live in that sort of relationship, so I have left her.

I still want to maintain a civil, healthy and close (if platonic) relationship with my W, for the kids. She is still terribly upset over my announcement to her just after New Year's, but I hope that she will eventually see that this is the best for both of us.

As much as you couldn't keep from crying as you were with your H, imagine how he feels knowing that you are "enduring" his touch solely for his benefit, and that he can't offer you what *he* did.

No, that is no way to have a marriage. If you continue to suffer his inadequaticies in lovemaking for his benefit, then likely one or both of you will find a sea of resentment building.

I'm not saying my solution is the solution for all, but there is a definite benefit to cutting loose your BS to find someone they can achieve a mutually beneficial sex life. I wan't enough for my W, but right now I sincerely believe there is someone for whom I very well am. And, now I can find her.

Felina

If your having problems in SF, don't hide this from your H. He needs to know. Also, have you tried to teach him what you need? I'm sure he would be willing to do anything to help you. Maybe you might learn something yourself. If you make comparisons that can only hurt your M not help. Your H is not the OM, he is something better. He is the one that loves you despite teh pain that you have caused him. Both of you need to learn what each other needs and wants. You are making a comparison with a shadow. Your H can be everything that you need in a lover, but only if your willing to except that your H for who he is. Isn't your H worth the effort to teach, and be taught by.

<small>[ January 15, 2004, 01:54 PM: Message edited by: Silverthorn ]</small>

Hi Felina,

I started a new thread to post something to you. Hope you don't mind - I was getting confused. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

sallly2003,

I appreciate your honesty about your feelings. By now I guess you realize that some posters are going to sometimes be a little rough with you, but I believe they are sincerely trying to help. They are correct that if you want OM “out of your head,” you have to stop feeding the images!

If you get triggers about OM out of the blue – seeing a car like his, hearing his favorite song, etc. – that’s not your fault, and you will be surprised that slowly those things will stop having as large an impact on you. However, by purposely watching a TV show because someone on it looks like OM, you are only hurting yourself and prolonging the agony of withdrawal.

Try to recognize the things you’re doing on purpose to think of OM, and make a concentrated effort not to do that to yourself anymore. My pastor told me not to mention my FOM’s name or even think about him at all. He told me not even to pray for FOM because that meant I’d be thinking about him.

That may sound extreme to some, and I have prayed for FOM before (I figured that was better than thinking romantic nonsense about him), but extreme measures need to be taken at times like these.

God bless you. Keep posting and know that people care and are rooting for you!

Rose;
I do know that the things I say here can be met with very harsh criticism....but obviosuly i am here because I need help. Becuase I do want to rid myself of this pain.

Of course I understand watching that show is causing me more undue stress and heartache....I dont purposely watch it to be sad and lonely and hurt when I see this guy on TV. I do it because obvisouly I am not so strong and I cannot help myself.

IT has only been since Early Dec that he last contacted me (to end it). I really really dont want to be in the state I am, but the reality of it is I am human, and have weaknesses, and I am trying.

That show caught me off guard (this just was discovered merely a week ago). I wish I hadnt seen it! Now it is yet another instance where I have to say to myself STOP IT! Another kind of setback when maybe things were starting to get even just a little easier.

THis whole thing is very disheartening..and I dont mean the end of the relationship, I mean that fact that I met him at all, that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time (first girls nite out in 9 years and I meet him) and that I hvae put my marriage to the ultimate test.

Like an addict, I slip, and I want to get sober.
I appreciate all your words, thanks.

Sally.