Hi Felina,

To keep things from getting confusing and in order to keep posts to you separate from sally2003’s thread, I decided to start a new one. I can’t believe I’m starting a thread about sex, though!

Anyway, have you ever sat down with your H at some neutral time (not during sex) and discussed what you want sexually? I know it can be difficult to do (embarrassing), but if you could word things so as not to hurt your H’s feelings, maybe it would help to talk.

Also, not to oversimplify, but did you ever think about trying to feel more sexy with your H by doing things like planning a special night, buying something special to wear, lighting candles, etc.? He might be pleasantly surprised by the attention, and you might be surprised at how much sexier you can feel with him.

I know there is still the problem of images of OM during intimate moments, but try to concentrate and focus on the wonderful things about your H (physical and otherwise).

Just a few ideas that I hoped might help. God bless.

Rose, thanks, it helps a bit. I think a bit of the problem with the last love making was that H has a broken leg, and there really isn't much you can do with a cast on. Also, I think that there have been a lot of triggers of OM in the past week that just set me off real bad. I think everything just kindof snowballed!

I think the biggest thing that I miss is the kissing - just good old fashioned "making out". My H just isn't into that, and I have tried to teach him to kiss better, but he either just doesn't get it, doesn't like it, or it's just not natural to him. I'm sure I'll get over it in time, as well as slowly teaching H what I like - but I have to wait till cast comes off to expect too much. To be honest, I was surprised he offered himself to me - even took viagra for me. Felt bad he hadn't "taken care of me" since he broke his leg. Maybe all that took me off guard - he's never been that into SF, and I figured I'd be 8 weeks without it for sure.

To all the others that posted on Sally's post to me: Thank you for listening to me wallow!!

I actually had a pretty good day today - after getting all that crap off my chest that I posted last night and this morning, I was able to think a little more clearly.

I realized that a couple things have been at play here - first, the OM had a truck that he left on my property because it wasn't running and he didn't have anywere else to put it. After d-day, he told me it could take a couple months to get it out of here - I said OK because I was still way in the fog, and was looking out for him. I gave him until Jan 15, or I'd tow it myself. It was getting pretty close to that date and it was still here. I think I was getting worked up and anxious about what I was going to have to do with it without breaking NC, etc. (not to mention just looking at it every day). This morning, after writing, I went outside and noticed IT WAS GONE! I was shocked, but very relieved!! That was the last thing of his.

Second, I had to start working with H yesterday because of broken leg. I think I was very resentful because I am working for him again, and I have to leave the kids with a nanny 10 hrs a day, 4 days a week. Yesterday was hard, but today was a lot better. He wants to be a team, and I just didn't want to be his personal pansy like I used to feel like. I think it's going to be OK.

Well for now I think I am back out of my funk, and back into the M. It reminds me of book SAA, where she says slowly you love your H more days than you don't love him. Hopefully, I will have a few more days than less that I love him.

Felina

TMCM,

Another piece - I skimmed that article you put on Sally's post - in response to it, I held H's hand in the car 1/2 way to work this morning. (It's a 40 min drive, so maybe for 20 min.) It felt good, and I think it got the morning off to a good start. Thanks

Felina

Felina

I dont know why I am even expressing this thought because i know I am going to get stoned here on this forum...but I am here on dayshift on work ( I only work 1 friday every 6 weeks) and myself and OM would communicate through email from my work to his on this Friday and I sooooo feel like emailing him.

Sorry guys! PLEASE someone post.

God!!

S

Sally,
The computer got me in trouble too....after the a ended I still emailed om for a while....

Can u email your husband? That is your best option right now....if you can't...turn the computer off if you can. If you can't....well....find something else to do...or go ahead and write him but post what you would say right here.

The urge to email him will get less strong. This was a big trigger (the computer & email) for me too. Stay strong. Diane

Sally, don't do it! I know it is very tempting, but it won't do anyone any good. It might make you feel a little high or giddy for a minute, then you will feel the guilt.... It's not worth it. Why put the effort into something you can't have permanently.
Be strong!

Felina

Sally,

Think about your H, how much it would hurt him, and what he would do if he found out! Would he give you yet another chance?

It might seem like your H won't find out, but what if OM tells his W (since he's trying to rebuild his M), and she contacts your H?

Would getting just to maintain contact with OM (and no R) be worth losing your H? Then you could be left with nothing except the computer to snuggle up to!

Hang tough. God bless.

Sally,

Let me ask you somethings. ARe you happy? Do you wake up with a smile on your face and whistle as you drive to work? Do you look forward to coming home? Is there ANY happiness in your life right now?

Do you think you are in this situation because OM is or is NOT in your life?

Sally, don't contact him. Not because it would hurt your H, but because it WILL hurt YOU. Alot of your unhappiness right now is due to the presence of the OM in your life and your thoughts. Contacting him will only make it worse NOT better.

I know you think OM is a source of happiness, but the data says otherwise. He is a source of your pain, your discontent, and your dispair.

Don't contact him.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Felina

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think the biggest thing that I miss is the kissing - just good old fashioned "making out". My H just isn't into that, and I have tried to teach him to kiss better, but he either just doesn't get it, doesn't like it, or it's just not natural to him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you need to do some more teaching. If you tell your H that this is something you really like, you'll be amazed at his learning curve. As with teaching anything, you need to be patient. And remember practice, practice, practice. Your H broke his leg. Use this as a great teaching tool. He really cant get away can he. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm glad to hear that your having a good day. Hope the day continues.

Sally

That your telling us here about your temptation is good. Better to vent here then to break NC. Email you H, or just post here. Flashs on days like your describing is understandable, but you need to reclaim it for your H. Make it something between the both of you. It will fade with time.

God Bless

I dont mean to confuse my problems here with this thread for Felina...sorry for any confusion.

JL:

Am I happy when I get up and drive to work? NO. Am I sad when I do? YES. Why? I miss OM. I am not feeling the connection with my H and scared I may never.

I havent emailed btw...

thanks

Sally,
You haven't emailed him as of your last post. That is great and a victory to celebrate. Just Learning is SO right....the A and Om is the source of your unhappiness....you have to break the addiction. I know it is powerful...I've been there....but you can overcome it.

I know u are sad, but that will pass. Gotta run, Diane

Sally--It is hard to feel a connection with your H when your feelings for you OM are still so strong. Good for you for not contacting him.

What are you doing to break your addiction to this OM besides gutting it out? Can you do the steps or join some kind of support group, read about how your mind directs your feelings...anything to help you retrain your mind. Your H can't reach you when you stay at arm's length with desire and thoughts of your OM. Give it time and DO SOMETHING to get over the feelings for OM. It seems like you have already come a long way--don't be sad!! You are already doing great and changing, the sky is blue, birds are singing--I don't know, what gives you pleasure in life? There is beauty all around and its a waste of time to be sad all the time! You can do it!!

Sally, don't worry about intertwining posts - it seems we are pretty intertwined anyway - about in the same place in this whole process! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Silverthorn, I forgot to mention, after your reply to me on Sally's post - I took my H to that bar the next night after work, and we had (or rather I had) a beer together. It was nice. I never used to go to bars with H. It just wasn't his thing, that's why it was so much fun with OM. Only with H I will just have one beer or drink, whereas with OM I would get good and drunk - something I have never done with anyone but OM. I have to say that the A was definitely one of excesses!! Even though it was fun at the time, I can say that getting good and drunk a couple times a week was taking it's toll!! Now one drink is just fine for me (there are some on this site that would say one is too many - sorry to affend any of you.)

I had another good day. I have to admit that leaving the kids and working with H is refeshing. I still have mixed feelings because I would much rather work construction (house remodeling) and building than hairdressing!! Odd how we have reversed roles - most male hairdressers are gay (or at least that's what most people think), and the others are usually women. Visa versa for construction. I got my hairdressers licence after marrying H because it made good financial sense, but I am still not 100% sold on wanting it for a career. We'll see, maybe it will grow on me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

In the mean time, every good day is appreciated!!

Thanks everyone!

Felina

Hi Felina

Well, I'm not one of those that think one drink is bad, for me it is drinking to excess. Myself I don't drink, don't really like the taste of beer, or most alcoholic drinks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep reclaiming what needs reclaimed, and working on your H's EN's. I'm sure you and your H will come up with a balance between working together, and your enjoyment of working in house remodeling. Something both of you should talk about.

Myself, I don't mind working on remodeling a house, just not the house Poe and I live in currently. To many problems. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Hmmmm do you work cheap <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

If you ever seen the movie "The Money Pit" that is our current home just in a ranch model built by someone that had no business building a house, or anything else that either man or animal would live in.

Well, I hope your good days continue. Mine wasn't bad either. Have a great weekend.

Thanks, Silverthorn - Well, if your house is somewhere that would allow me to take a nice warm vacation from my whole life while fixing it, I am sure I can come at a reasonable price <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Now if it's, say, in North
Dakota, or such where it's probably freezing cold and snowy, I am sure I would be much more expensive - like REALLY expensive! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Take care, and have a great weekend, too.

Felina

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Felina:

TMCM,

Another piece - I skimmed that article you put on Sally's post - in response to it, I held H's hand in the car 1/2 way to work this morning. (It's a 40 min drive, so maybe for 20 min.) It felt good, and I think it got the morning off to a good start. Thanks

Felina</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now this is spooky <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> considering that this is my first post to this thread, but you're most welcome. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Felina,

Have you read the book Surviving an Affair yet? Sue felt exactly like you when she first went back to her husband. She didn't ever expect to feel in love again, but she did whenever her husband put enough love units into her love bank. I'm a very simple person and I believe what I read and when things make sense I tend to believe them even more. The love bank theory makes a lot of sense. You and your husband have probably drained your love banks for each other and its gonna take a long time to refill them. But, when it happens you will feel in love again and the sex and intimacy will be renewed...

I remember back when I was dating my W. Wow, that's a long time ago. But, when we dated, I remember kissing her and feeling so much passion. Sometimes I felt a lump in my lower extremities (wink). But, that kissing feeling has been gone for so long. Why? Because neither me or my W were meeting each others emotional needs. I haven't felt special to her for a long time and vise versa, I'm sure. But I know now that had I been her best friend, had I made her feel special, had I done the things I did when we first started dating, things could and would have been so much different. I am including a letter I read the other day on Stung By A Bees thread...

Dear Dr. Laura,

After listening to your caller today who wanted to know what to do because he didn’t “feel” love for his wife anymore, but felt like he would towards a sister, I felt compelled to comment.

Two years ago I was in a similar situation. I merely tolerated being married because I didn’t want my three children (at the time ages 16, 10, and 3) to come from a broken home. I finally came to the realization one day that I was responsible for my feelings, and I did something about it.

I resolved right then and there that nobody – friends, family, coworkers (not even you, Dr. Laura) – would hear me say anything negative or critical about my wife. Every word anybody heard from me would be only positive when it concerned her. If I had anything of that nature to say, I could lovingly discuss it with her or shut up about it and that was that. I also decided that, no matter how I FELT, I would always treat her as though she was the single most beautiful thing God had ever created, and that any act of love I could do for her, I would do. I wake up in the morning and bring her a fresh, hot cup of coffee in bed. Then I warm up the shower and make sure to wash her back for her (I didn’t have to pretend I enjoyed that). I cheerfully cook dinner when she has had a difficult day, give our daughter her bath and insist that she take a nap on Sunday afternoon after church.

Although I sometimes find the topic as exciting as a cold mashed potato sandwich, I pay attention to what she says and comment on it because that is more important than what is happening on Law and Order on television. I even do grocery shopping, alone or with her if she likes. I even go clothes shopping with her (usually every man’s nightmare) and give her genuine input and show honest interest. The idea is to spend time with her, regardless of what we are doing. I looked for genuine ways to compliment her (I’m really impressed with your knowledge of special needs children). I pamper, take care of, and generally spoil my sweetheart as much and as often as I can.

Since you have a background in psychology, you can guess what happened. If you change your behavior, your mind follows suit. I didn’t have to spend much time telling her how incredible she was before I began to believe everything I told her. Tonya became more beautiful by the day, and is far more intelligent than I ever gave her credit for before my “awakening.”

It has been over two years, and our life together is far and away better than anything I could have imagined. Tonya is my best friend, wife, sweetheart and companion all wrapped up into one fabulously beautiful package, and we grow closer by the day. I don’t always “feel” love, but I always make it a point to “do” loving things so that she can “feel” loved. We will be married 23 years on the 22nd of this month, and people we meet think we are newlyweds because we are so affectionate with each other.

If I could talk to your caller, I would tell him to stop expecting his marriage to fix itself. Love isn’t a feeling, it is an action word. Love is what you promised to do when you stood before the preacher with the second most beautiful woman in the world (my Tonya is the first). So stop whining and start loving your wife. The rewards are far beyond what you can imagine. I am living proof of that. John L.

I don't know if this guy knew about the MB principles but when he used them unknowingly, he found the love he'd been missing all those years. As Dr Phil has said in his books, you can't change someone else, but you can change yourself. The changes you make in your self will reflect on how people treat you. If you treat your husband with the love and specialness that you treated the OM, do you think your husband will feel different and treat you differently? Try it and see....

LWH, Yes I have read SAA in it's entirety, and believe that the principles are all very true.

I am just trying to convince myself that I can treat H like the letter to Dr. Laura says (I did read that before, too, and it's great - if only I could put it into practice), and follow the MB principals.

I am trying so hard right now to figure myself out, that it doesn't often leave space for working on the M. I did have a good talk with H again this AM. I have been fighting depression more often than not, and I think it's grating on him. Also, H thinks if he left, OM and I could get together and maybe get married - he thinks I am more compatible with OM than him (and I would actually be better off with OM). I didn't realize he was feeling that way until this morning when he finally talked to me about it some. I put that to rest - told H that OM wouldn't be caught dead with me even if I was D, because he would be afraid of H's retribution. That made H feel better.

I was telling H that the big question for me is - do you live life, always seeking happiness, and changing your life to acheive it? or do you forgo some happiness and live life the way you are supposed to - play by the rules...?

I found out with my last D, and the M to current H, that if you jump ship because you are not happy, and marry what makes you happy - give it 5 years, and you will be ready to jump ship again, for the next piece of happiness. I don't want that to happen to me again - so I will hunker down, fight this out - deal with myself, and try to make the right steps to start to fall in love with H more often than not.

This just sucks - Life should be easy!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Felina

Hi

Just wondering...do you think that attaining that same passionate exciting feeling that you do with OM is possible to have in your marriage?

Maybe it isn't? IT is so different. I am positive that the feeling with OM would, after time, wear off as well.

Maybe people have A's not because they are lacking that passion in their marriage, but because they can only get that passion through a "not-right" or "on the side" relationship.

Do you understand what I am saying? I may not be wording it right.

I guess I mean the excitement that comes with an A maybe can never be found in a marriage.

Just a thought.

S.

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>