Sarie if I thought it would work I would hook a chain to you and use my John Deere to drag your butt out of the fog! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You will learn from this what you chose to learn. I suggest you look at the cost of the affair and decide if it was worth the price you paid.

I think as time passes you will come to realize that the affair was not what you thought it was.

Hi Sarie,

You may want to consider going to the Marriage Builder Weekend in Orlando, FL on Jan 30th. Or look into when the next one is. Although, I am sure the weather in FL is warmer than where you live. The trip would do you and your husband some good.

I have followed your story.

On thing your husband stated was that he wanted you to not contact the OM again. You seem to be very good at lies of omission. Receiving calls from the OM is contact. The spirit of what your H wantS is NC and you know it. You continue to disrespect your husband but being in any contact whatsoever with the OM.

I have to wonder if you sugar coated the details you shared with your H during those 3 weeks of going over the A. Did you really tell him that the A lasted for 10 years or did you just say you had an A and you didn't tell him the extent of it?

You certainly shouldn't continue to lie about your true feelings of luuvvv for the OM. You need to read up on Radical Honesty. You have a major problem with being radically honest. You can't expect to achieve the level of intimacy that you desire in a relationship as long as you are still dishonest.

Maybe attending the MB Weekend would help your husband and you to realize that by not continuing to be conflict avoiders you may be able to have a better, more intimate, and fulfilling marriage in the future.

I wish you would take heed to what so many posters are writing to you on your thread. We only hope that you will have a better marriage than you have maybe ever had. Your marriage can be transformed so that it is more fulfilling than what you believed you had with the OM.

By the way, I think his (OM's) letter to you was pathetic. He is just wanting to keep you strung along with his always will love you crap. It was really cruel and selfish of him. But then, you eat that stuff up.

<small>[ January 21, 2004, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: 4give ]</small>

Hi again.
My husband and I are leaving tomorrow forenoon to drive to Florida.
We live in N. Indiana so that will be a two day drive there, 5 days with my sister, and 2 days back!
I will not have use of the Internet unless we go to the library and that probably won't happen.
So I will catch up here in 9 days!
I just noticed the previous post advising the MC at Orlando and had to go back and edit.

My husband does know the length. I was the OM's hospice volunteer nurse at the beginning. (He was dying but through a heart/lung transplant, he recovered.)

The PA was the first 5 years, the last 5 years has been EA. (Phone conversations several times daily for all of the 10 years, no wonder I know him probably better than I know my husband!)
No, I am not telling my husband the DEPTH of my feelings for the OM, he has been hurt enough.
I can at least protect him from my 'feelings' which hopefully will change as the FOG lifts!

JL, I read your letter 3 times, I think my husband and I WILL talk, he is going to have to since we will be trapped together in the car!
I will encourage him to share everything that is on his heart and ask questions of me and plan our future, what we each need and expect from one another.

My husband has many many wonderful qualities and he also has some not so good qualities such as grouchy, short tempered, gets irritated easily at the grandkids and is content eating, working at his job and watching sports and sitcoms on TV.

But I don't complain because I know my sin of my affair is so much greater than his 'cuss words' that I HAVE to remain silent and uncomplaining. He has been the same personality for the almost 36 years of our marriage. I accept and love him the way he is!
But there is definitely a communication gap.

Someone asked about the OM and me.
We talked about EVERYTHING. From intimate things to nature and politics.
I know it is easier over the phone as each has the others' undivided attention.

Pepper, I hope a year from now, I will be able to be giving good concrete advice.
SKM got out of the fog and after a year was on her way home.
I can see my feelings for my OM run much deeper than SKM's and lasted many many years.

Someone said hang up on the OM if he calls.
I could not do that in a million years.
I am going to request he doesn't call me anymore but that is just uncomprehensible to think of never ever talking to him again.

Oh God, such a huge heartache! JL and Mr. Coffeeman, you tell me to think of my husband's pain. I do. I grieve for the pain he is feeling.
However, it is like when our son died, my pain was so great it was hard to think of his pain. And his pain was so great it was hard for him to think of mine.
We each had to endure our own grief.

Can you understand, the pain of seperating from someone that you had a love affair with, is also a great heartache?
Or can you not understand since it is a sin and only see the pain of the BS?

Friends, it has only been since Dec. 28 since I told my husband, everything is a jumble in my mind and it has to be a worse jumble in his mind.

I am sure someday I will look back and see what a selfish foolish lady I was.
Stunned dad, maybe if you used a Farmall tractor!

I do appreciate all of you being the lighthouse shining the way out of this FOG for myself and others.
Love, Sarah (weeping again!)

<small>[ January 20, 2004, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

Originally posted by Susan:

"It all revolves around recognizing the problem and making and effort or working together to change."

Sarie, just in case you overlooked Susan's experienced words of wisdom.

Susan's affair(s) were long and complicated, like yours.

Listen to her ..... your marriage cannot recover while both of you continue covering up your feelings.

Sarie, your affair has made your marriage environment a VERY UNSAFE place for your husband to express his feelings, and visa versa.

You desperately need marital therapy.

Prp

Sarie:

"No, I am not telling my husband the DEPTH of my feelings for the OM, he has been hurt enough."

Black dangit, Sarie! The hurt has already been inflicted! You will prolong it and protract it by keeping your feelings from your H. You absolutely MUST tell him how you feel!

"I can at least protect him from my 'feelings' which hopefully will change as the FOG lifts!"

Not without help from YOUR H, Sarie. You will only protect your lies. TALK TO HIM.

"My husband has many many wonderful qualities and he also has some not so good qualities such as grouchy, short tempered, gets irritated easily at the grandkids and is content eating, working at his job and watching sports and sitcoms on TV.
But I don't complain because I know my sin of my affair is so much greater than his 'cuss words' that I HAVE to remain silent and uncomplaining."

Clearly his behavior bothers you. You are doing yourself and him a disservice by NOT telling him about this. As an example, I know now that I had many habits that annoyed my W during her A (some that she rationalized 2 justify having the A). For a very long time after d-day, she wouldn't talk about them, so I had no way of knowing what I needed 2 change about my behavior. I had 2 guess. It can be done, but it's a LOT harder 2 do that way, and a BS that's not being coached by a professional will have an even harder time making headway. TALK TO HIM.

"He has been the same personality for the almost 36 years of our marriage. I accept and love him the way he is!"

This contradicts what you just said.

"Someone asked about the OM and me.
We talked about EVERYTHING. From intimate things to nature and politics."

BFD. You didn't have 2 deal with everyday mundane aspects of living with him during that whole time. Try talking 2 your H about EVERYTHING. He just might surprise you.

"Pepper, I hope a year from now, I will be able to be giving good concrete advice."

Cripes, Sarie. *I* hope that you're still MARRIED a year from now! You need 2 ENGAGE your H if you truly hope 2 keep your M 2gether, even thrive.

"I can see my feelings for my OM run much deeper than SKM's and lasted many many years."

My W's A lasted 2 years longer than yours. I don't care how "deep" their feelings for each other ran. That's not important 2 our recovery. Your feelings for your OM aren't important 2 yours, either. They make it harder for you, and the only way 2 lessen that is 2 go NC NOW and stay there. Withdrawal for my FWW has been very slow because of the length of the A, but it is happening. It has made it very hard for me at times 2 want 2 keep this up, though. It's been 2 years since D-day for me. Not that many BSs will wait so long. I hope your H can. But you need 2 be aware that he might not be able 2 be that patient with you, and act accordingly.

"Someone said hang up on the OM if he calls.
I could not do that in a million years."

Then let me do it.... ....just don't forget what I said. If you can't let go of the OM, you can't start recovery. Your H may not be able 2 be patient long enough for you 2 pull your head out of your nether regions on your own. Don't take this lightly. He has choices 2. You may be top on his list now, but if you can't end contact with this cruel, selfish, manipulativve OM, you may drop off his list at some point. BE CAREFUL.

"I am going to request he doesn't call me anymore but that is just uncomprehensible to think of never ever talking to him again. "

Tell your H about this. Everything. Get his help!

"Oh God, such a huge heartache! JL and Mr. Coffeeman, you tell me to think of my husband's pain. I do. I grieve for the pain he is feeling.
However, it is like when our son died, my pain was so great it was hard to think of his pain. And his pain was so great it was hard for him to think of mine.
We each had to endure our own grief.
Can you understand, the pain of seperating from someone that you had a love affair with, is also a great heartache?"

One of my ICs likened the choices we have 2 make about relationships 2 the choices we make about where 2 work, where 2 live. We are all faced with either/or choices. We must make one decision and grieve the lost alternatives. Not doing so, trying 2 hang on2 2 partners at the same time, is the ultimate in cruel selfishness. END THIS NOW.

"Or can you not understand since it is a sin and only see the pain of the BS?"

JL and 2MCM are a lot smarter than that.

"Friends, it has only been since Dec. 28 since I told my husband, everything is a jumble in my mind and it has to be a worse jumble in his mind."

This is true.

"I am sure someday I will look back and see what a selfish foolish lady I was."

And that day will be postponed forever if you remain in contact with this bass turd OM.

-ol' 2long

I have to say I completely agree with 2's post.

I recognize that it must be terribly difficult to break off a 10yr Affair, but really- Look at This Guy. What type of a man would secretly date a married woman, especially for that length of time?? Answer: A liar, who by the way is ABUSING you, and recklessly Destroying your Marriage.

You have no idea how lucky you are to have a spouse who wants to stay with you. I should know, I ruined my marriage (which wasn't great, but at least we were in love)- by having a 3 month affair.

And yes, it hurt me to cut it off, but I Knew it was the right thing to do, and now two years later all I can say is "Look what you've done to your wife".

What a great woman I had. Please, just for one of us out here dying- take the golden opportunity you have!!

Sarie - I read this post only after reading the post that SKM directed to you. I suspected that for SKM to take the time, something must be amiss. I was also attracted by the mention of your loss of a child.

You've gotten some good advice here. Please heed it. But I suspect you're not yet ready to heed it, or you don't understand the importance of heeding it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Someone said hang up on the OM if he calls.
I could not do that in a million years. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This means that it will take over a million years for you to progress any further.

Sarie, my XW commenced her affair after the loss of our younger son. She failed to grieve and sought refuge in the first opportunity that came along. Too bad it wasn't alcohol or drugs. At least I could have flushed those or maybe only one family would have been murdered.

Did you properly grieve?

It's no coincidence that many faiths and cultures in the world have a "mandatory" grieving period after the loss of a loved one. Centuries of experience demonstrated that people can do crazy things to avoid a good hard sob. So the required grieving periods evolved.