Solon,
By now you know the MB program and I think you understand the "why's" of plans A, and B.
You probably know that nearly all A's end and that very few times do the parties in an A end up together long term.
So, it is very likely that one day your W will wake up and wonder what she is doing -
It looks like you are wondering where you will be when that day comes and wondering what YOU want to do. I think you have gotten very good advice about what to do with the children and how to cope with that part of things, and so, I think I will give you some other things to think about.
This site is a place where people come that want to save their marriage. I don't have any idea what percentage of people that deal with A's in there lives come HERE but many do not, they just file for D.
This is the place you come when you still love your spouse, and don't want to give up. What you get here is support for trying to save things, but you should get more than that - you should get some life skills that you can use in all other relationships including relationships with your children, coworkers, friends, and relatives. If you learn about meeting needs, and avoiding LB's and you are able to do these things for your children (at the very least) your life will be better for having come here. You can apply some of the same skills you need for a successful marriage in all these other relationships, just not to the same degree.
It's hard to think about stuff like this when the world crashes like your world has, but it may be time for you to change directions.
What would you do the next 6 months if you your W died today?
Would you continue to take care of the kids, and help them get over what happened?
Would you find things to fill your life so the loss wouldn't hurt so much?
Can you think of this along these lines? Not that you start looking for someone else, but that your life must go on for now until you know what she will do.
Remember that you don't have to be here working on this, it is a choice you made. It is one you can continue with, or you can change your mind whenever you want. You have a measure of freedom in this, and you can leave if you want to, if it gets too painful, or for any reason you want. We have seen enough that we encourage you to try until there is no hope left, but you get to choose. Many, many times the WS will leave the A and return to the marriage. Sometimes the BS is not longer there waiting and things cannot be saved, but the odds are she will finish the A and that you will have another chance if you want that chance.
So, as I said, it sounds like you are wondering as much about what you want, as about what she will do.
I suggest you kind of pretend like she is gone - in some ways. You can still be positive when you communicate with her, you can still exchange the kids, but you should begin your own personal recovery now. Other than being free to look for someone else, how would you do things different if she were gone? Can you do some of those thing now? How would you move on with your life?
How would you begin to get over all this?
Are there still improvements you need to make personally? Are there still things you can do to help the kids cope? Do you need to exercise more? Change your diet? Get out more? Play with the kids more? Begin now and do those things that need doing. It will give you focus and you will know that you are not just sitting around wasting time.
I do recommend you try the phone counseling. I have not used it myself (I did not come here because of an A) but the comments I have seen most often go like this: "one session with the Harleys was better than months I spent with my other counsler."
I have been here about two years, and have seen many positive comments about the help given by the phone cousneling. It goes along with what I said about doing everything you can to save this - that is one more thing you can do to be sure.
If you do want to continue, we will help as much as we can, but we are more a support group than anything else. I hope you get some answers to your prayers, and I extend mine in your behalf also.
All the best, and may God be with you.
SS
