I had an affair with a guy a few months ago. My husband just found out about 2 weeks ago. He is hurting so bad. I hurt for him. He is the love of my life. He is my life. He is everything to me. I feel really bad about what I did. I never had an attraction for this guy. I don't even like him. I don't like who he is. To make a long story short, it was a confusing time and things just got out of hand. Way out of hand. I can not believe I did anything with this other guy. I am so embarrassed by it now and ashamed. I hate myself for it. I can't even stand to look in the mirror at myself and think about the horrible act I committed. I wish the act had been turned around and my husband had had an affair on me. Better yet, I wish it had never happened. I can't believe it did. I am not like this. And I know I will never do this again. My husband is my world. And now I am hurting so bad because my husband is hurting. He is having all the "normal" feelings that go along with finding something like this out about his spouse. And I understand that. He has lots of up and down times. And I am going to be here for him through it all. He loves me so much and is wanting our marriage to stay together as much as I am. He is a wonderful person. All I can do now, is be here for him. I'll do anything I can to help him through this. Does anyone have any advice to what all I can do for him. I am desperate. I want it to work. And I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband. And I want him to spend the rest of his life trusting me and believing in me and I want him to walk around all his days on top of the world, knowing his wife loves him with all her heart. I want him to be the happiest man on the world. It is not fair that he has to hurt for something I did. I wish I could take all his pain and suffering and bad thoughts and give them all to myself. So, he doesn't have to deal with them. What can I do? I love him.How can I help him heal quickly and easily? Help!!! I really do love my husband. I want my husband to know that he is everything to me. And everything, he is. Thanks !! Please help!!

Hello,

You sound very remorseful which is important. Your husband is going through very powerful emotions right now. He will have images of you and the OM in his head. He will be asking himself if you compare the OM to him and he will be asking himself if he was not good enough for you. You will have to explain to him how this could have happened and why it would not happen again. You sound so much in love with your husband that it seems improbable that this would have happened. Was this a continuing affair or a one time thing?
If it was more than once then your husband will wonder how you were able to keep lying to his face about this and was able to hide it from him and put his health at such risk. Another problem is that you were not honest with him for he had to find out himself which means he now has very little trust in your word right now. He is also angry that it was so easy for you to fool him for so long.
I would strongly suggest marriage counseling to understand why you did what you did and how to protect it from happening in the future. I think this will help your husband a great deal feel more trustworthy toward you. If the roles were reversed what would you need? I wish you luck.

BabyDoll, I envy your husband. I really do!

You see when I finally confronted my WW with evidence of the affair that she could not longer deny, she made the choice to leave me so she could be with the OM. What a sad day! Her choice to do NOTHING to save our marriage, but instead to be with OM hurt more than her affair.

But, you have made the better choice. Your H is hurting and you must help him to recover. That will take time since he can no longer trust you, but also his own judgement. Also, I think it is JL who suggested this, ask him to help you to recover. That will empower him to help the marrige.

Get a good counselor to assist the both of you.
You have my prayers.

Dear Bryan and Auto,
Thank you both so very much for replying. I am grasping at every straw I can to help my husband feel better and heal. It is so nice to know there are people out there, somewhere, who care and is willing to help a total stranger. I have only my best friend to talk to about this. I am too ashamed to tell anyone else. It was a one time thing. I regretted it from the begining. I know it will never happen again. I am willing to go to a counselor if my husband wants too. I will do anything for him. We are doing pretty good right now. He tells me everyday still that I am his "Heart throb" and "babydoll". That's the reason for my ID on here "Babydoll" He is being so good to me. I don't deserve it. I see now more than ever how much he truly loves me. And I know I will never do anything to loose this man of my life. NEVER again. It was all a big mistake. I didn't have any feelings for the OM. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I look back at it in astonishment. How on earth could I have done that. My husband and I have a great love between us. We have a wonderful family and home. I couldn't be happier. Well, I could be. When my husband has healed and believes in me and us again, then I will be the happiest woman on this planet.
Thanks again for talking with me. I really need it and it helped.

The path to healing for you two is below. Get on it. It will take time and effort, but it will be worth it. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. To recover, do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Okay here are the tough thoughts.

Its going to take time...lots of time.

Most put full recovery from an affair in the 2 to 5 year range.

He is going to get more and more depressed. He is going to get angrier as time goes on. It tends to peak at the 6 month mark and then slowly the hurt and anger subside.

There is no magic pill to take it all away. No rewind on the VCR of life.

Some things that will help in the long run:

1 Be totally honest and open about the affair. Even if you think what you might say will add to his hurt. One of the toughest parts about getting over an affair is getting past all the lies necessary in order to have an affair. Only if he feels 100% certain that you are being truthfull will he be able to start trusting you again.

2 Avoid future scares. By that make sure you are accountable for your time. Be sure and avoid scenarios where you might have social interaction with other males for awhile. He is going to be watching very carefully at how you act around other men. Make sure he can reach you at all times. Avoid anything that would go against the above...like say business travel unless you absolutely cannot avoid it. And if you must see if he can go with you if that is possible.

3 No secrets...not just about the affair no secrets period. If you paid $200 for a dress tell him that not $100. Because if he finds out otherwise then he will doubt you all over again. No secret email accounts, cell phones etc. Give him all your passwords, give him access to your cell bills and so on.

4 Show him your remorse every chance you get. He really needs to see how bad you regret what happened. The more he thinks you regret your mistake the more positive he will be about it not happening again.

Thanks again for all the help. Please keep it coming. I really think my husband is the type that can forgive me soon and let us go on with our wonderful life together. He is not the type to hold on to things. When he is ready to fully believe in me again and know that it was all just on big mistake, I feel he will let it all go and let us start again fresh. I don't think this is wishful thinking either. He knows it was a one time big mistake. And I am going to make sure he knows it will never happen again. He has real good self-esteem and I believe he is going to be OK soon. We have Great Love. More than most ever get close to having. There really is something special about us. If anything, this has made us closer. Or atleast realize how close we are. And he not the type to ever throw it up in my face once we have decided to let it go. He truly is a terrifically special person.

ditto the others

Have you asked him to visit this forum?

He would get a lot of compassion and I would join auto in declaring to him that many BSs here would give anythng to hear remorse such as yours from our WSs.

The best advice I can give you personally is to be patient. Very, very patient.

Dear, Worthatry
My husband is the one who found this site for us. However, he does not know that I have joined this discussion forum. This is something I need for me. And about being patient, I am. Very. I understand he can not help his feelings, even the angry, raging ones. I know all his feelings he is experiencing are all my fault. Therefore, I stand by him and share in them all, the good ones and the bad ones. I take anything he dishes out to me. However, he is never mean. He only states facts and his true feelings. I can't argue with that. I will stand by him through it all and be very patient. Like I said, it is all my fault anyways. Thanks for replying. This is helping me so much. I keep checking this site often. Looking for all the help I can get.

One of the things you'll learn here is POJA - Policy of Joint Agreement - and radical honesty.

Practicing radical honesty would dictate that you tell him you are posting here to strangers - even strange men! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Print out this post and give it to him. Then suggest he post a message to me personally. I would be glad to communicate with him and many others will be glad to provide their insight.

WAT

I guess I need to read the POJA and radical honesty. I just passed over that. I guess I thought it wasn't for us. I will look at it later. I have to go start supper now. My husband will be home soon. Thanks a bunch.
DKM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When he is ready to fully believe in me again and know that it was all just on big mistake, I feel he will let it all go and let us start again fresh. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If that is the approach you take, you or he will have an affair in the future. It was not just one big mistake. It was a series of little mistakes, one leading to another. If you do not understand how that happened, and what you need to do to interrupt that process before it really gets started, it will happen again.

BabyDoll,

You are missing some very important things. First if you learn nothing from this then all of your H's pain, and his learning to trust and forgive you will be wasted.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband just found out about 2 weeks ago. He is hurting so bad. I hurt for him. He is the love of my life. He is my life. He is everything to me. I feel really bad about what I did. I never had an attraction for this guy. I don't even like him. I don't like who he is. To make a long story short, it was a confusing time and things just got out of hand. Way out of hand. I can not believe I did anything with this other guy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you see the disconnect between the part I put in bold and the part I put in italics??? Until you understand why you would betray a man as you describe in bold for a man you describe as you did in italics, there is no way you H will or SHOULD trust you. He will be asking himself, what happens if she meets a man she likes??? How can he protect himself or more importantly how can YOU protect the marriage if you don't understand what you did? This is NOT a guessing game. A good, successful, faithful marriage is NOT an accident, it is acheived with a plan and preparation.

You have not done either. Start now. Read the articles here, then get Surviving an Affair by Harley and you will start to see things. Then get His Needs Her Needs when you two are getting on a even keel. You have WORK to do, and just hoping he forgives you is quite simply cheating your H and your family as well as yourself.

You made a very bad decision, but it was a decision, not just blind luck. You need to understand your decision process and why you came to the conclusion to have an affair. When you understand yourself, you can protect your marriage, and you can help your H recover by being able to explain what happened.

Anything less, is just whistling in the dark hoping you don't step in another deep hole. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Be prepared to answer your H's questions truthfully and honestly especially the gory details if he asks you. If you notice that he is not taking it very well then stop and gently ask him if it wouldn't be better if you finished telling him the details at a later time. As horrible and shameful it will be for you to give him the graphic information of your affair, keep in mind that his need to know is to make sense out of what caused you to betray your marital vows to him and to yourself. Please understand that if you have a hard time comprehending why you had an affair with a man that you were not even attracted to then imagine how your H feels. You see the only other person besides the OM who has a complete picture of what happened before, during and immediately after the affair is you. I strongly suggest that besides MC(marriage counseling) that you also seek IC(individual counseling) to understand why you had an affair with a man you did not love or were sexually attracted to. Explain to your H that you also want to find out you did what you did and heal so that this horrible event never happens again. That in and of itself could help him tremendously to start regaining the trust he lost in you.

To: John, JL, & TMCM,
Thank you all so much. You are helping me see more of the picture. I feel like I am in one big circle and can't see out it or around it. And all of you are helping me past my little insight. Hearing other's point of views is really helpful. Please keep it coming. Today, I think I will focus on finding us a counselor. Hey, I never mentioned this, but a little FYI, my husband is a counselor. We've been married almost 5 years and have 2 sons ages 4 & 2. They are precious.
Thanks again everyone.

I'll try to explain some stuff to you all. It is embarrassing. But, I will do my best. Please don't think my husband and I are weird. We are not. We just have a very fun sexual life. But, it is sexual life I was not for sure of how to take. Here I go. My husband likes when I let guys flirt with me. He likes to see guys want me. He says it turns him on. Example: 1.We went to a NASCAR party one Sunday and before we got there he asked me to flirt with the guys. He said for me sit on their laps and do what ever. He said he would pretend he was not paying attention so they would get into it as well. That turns him on. 2. When we go to his family's house, he wants me toflirt with his cousin, Brian. I even pulled Brian's shirt up one day looked at his stomach. I have danced sexy with Brian at our house. All because my husband liked it. I didn't like it. But, I like doing what he likes. 3.He likes for me dress sexy when we go out and show my "stuff" so other guys will look at me. 4. Once he had me dress in a real short skirt with nothing under it and go to bars with him. We played pool and I danced at a sports bar/topless place. No, I never take my clothes off. 5. He talks about us having 3somes. And he would prefer it be with another guy not a girl. So, I have always wondered if I pleased him enough. Because I have never done a 3some. So, I had been serching for someone to do a 3some with us. I wanted to be everything to him. I like pleasing him. So, I started talking to his cousin, Anthony, who became the OM. I was at first talking to him as friends. Helping him with his schooling. And also trying to find things out about my husbands past. Which I should have never done. I don't care about his past anymore. It is in the past. Then the OM, started getting a little flirty. I didn't think alot about it. We were only talking on the phone. I always told him how much I love Kent. And he always saw us together. Then, one day he asked me to meet him somewhere. I wasn't real for sure why. But, yes, I had some idea. I did. And that is when it happened. The horrible act. The OM said, "So, you want me to have a 3some with you and Kent. I will if you have sex right with me right now." I was shocked. And at first said no. We only had about 15 mins and then I had to get to work. Well, I kept hearing my husband in my head saying he wanted to have a 3some. And I wanted to do everything I could please him. I'm sure he has had a 3some before me. And I wanted to give him everything and more, he has ever had. Then, days after that night, the OM started getting strange. I was affraid he wouuld tell Kent before I did. And I had not told Kent yet. I knew I had to tell him first. But, days went by and I started think I had waited too long. So, now I started to make the OM think there was more between us than there was, just to keep his mouth shut. I was hoping he would eventually just get tired of me and break it off himself. Then, I wouldn't have to worry about him. And I could put all this out of my head and forget it ever happened. I can do that. I am good at that. And to help you understand more. Years before my husband and I ever met, he stole the OM's girlfriend from him. They had a child together and had been together off and on for about 15 years. So, I knew the OM was not really interested me, he was really just trying to get back at my husband. And see, many times, my husband has asked me to pick any guy I want to have sex with. He wanted to watch or wanted me to tell him all about it. He said it would turn him on. I also felt bad about that because I always thought a man wanted to keep his wife just for himself. I couldn't understand why my husband was like that. At times I felt like he needed other guys to look at me and think I'm pretty for him to believe it. So, I would flirt and let be flirted with so my husband could see others wanted me too. And he always liked it. I always tell him when I've been flirting around like that. Like when I am at work. I talked to my husband about how insecure I was feeling. Wondering why he wanted to share me. He helped me understand. And I could see his point. And it made sense. But, then sometimes, I forget that and start wondering again. So, the whole thing with the OM was a big mess up. I am smarter than that. I know better. I should never have went that far. I really really regret it. Another example. We have a web cam. My husband likes for me to get on there and have ciber sex with other guys. I have done it alot for him. I used to tell him several times that it bothered me. But, he would again explain why and I would understand and be ok with it. And do it again for him. He really enjoyed it. I like doing things he enjoys for him. There are alot of guys who have my yahoo ID on their friends list to talk to me and want to see my web cam. My husband knows this and likes this. He encourages me to do it.
Help!!!!. What am I going to do? I just want to forget about this whole mess with the OM. And just go on with my life. I love my husband and how happy we are/were. I want that life to continue on. Help!! That is all I can say, is HELP!!. Please don't think less of me now. I have just spilled my sexual life out to total strangers. And I am sure most all couples have their own sexual private things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Hey, I never mentioned this, but a little FYI, my husband is a counselor."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even counselors are not inmune to infidelity in their marriages. But the fact that your H is a counselor could be an advantage for you in that if he sees that you are going to IC(individual counseling) and reading marriage restoration books like Dr Willard Harley's books ('Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs', 'Love Busters'), Dr Shirley Glass's book 'Not Just Friends', and Dave Carder's book 'Torn Asunder', to name a few, he will truly see that your actions speak louder than your words. So get going on those actions that will truly show him that you love him.

Everyone, please read my last post @ 8:11am

seems like he got what he wanted except to watch, I really dont see the issue here.
Does he still ask you to flirt and dress erotic.
There is nothing wrong with dressing the way you did. Do not think you did anything wrong there.
I feel he wanted to kow before you acted and he feels let down. I also think he could be milking this situation to get you to do more. do not do anything you dont want to do..

Yes, I still dress erotic for him. Yes, he still likes it all. Even after he found out what I did, he still talked about a 3some. He even brought up the OM's name once during our sex. He still likes that guys are flirting with me and I am flirting back. I like doing what ever he likes for me to do. I like pleasing him. I don't think he is milking the situation. I really feel he is hurting. I should have told him first. I really feel like, deep down inside, if I had told him the OM was wanting to have sex with me, he would have allowed it, if I had come home and told him all about it. Our sex life is out of this world. I did wrong. I knew the guidlines. I went out of them. Totally by accident. It all got out of hand. I didn't even enjoy the act. I felt terrible during and after. I was all messed up. But, there is no excuses. I am a smart person and I should have stayed within our guidlines. I love him. I only want to please him. Help!!!