Chris, thanks. OK here goes;

a)I will leave out Valentines Day.
b)I will be specific and say the continued phone contact is what is hurting me. I understand what you are saying about telling her what she is feeling. I will stay away from that.
c)I agree she chooses to make those calls rather than honor my request. I will state it that way.
In other words I'll try to be more factual.
d)Addiction. OK it's out. Along this line I am going to try to get her to visit MB forum. Not real heavy handed but suggest she might be interested.
e)NC. Again my statement is presumptuous. I will simply say the continued contact is hurting me.
f)Understand "divorce" is a no no. I suppose I'm jumping ahead when really this letter is just to open the door to conversation and I don't need to include every single thought in it.
g)No way to live. Where the thing that she enjoys more than anything in life is what gives me the greatest pain. I have to differentiate and get her to do the same. It's the guy not pool that's the problem. No way to live refers to the fact that she can't share something with me that gives her great pleasure. She is uncomfortable talking about the people and the events of the evening. So I well understand when you say it will get worse. It wasn't always this painful for me even after D-Day. But resentment continues to grow.
h)Nobody can help her. I'll change this to include that fact that I'm willing to make whatever changes she is suggesting and perhaps we need MC. I will take the burden of her and not make her feel so alone.
i)remove the threats.
j)I was never welcome on league night. I only get to play the fool when she want's to have them over for a party at our house and pretend she has a great marriage. It's ludicrous. So she doesn't include me all the time I don't want to be there only when a dopey husband is needed. These people also have occassional parties. So my total exposure is limited to 6 times per year, while she is in their company every week.
k)What is too painful is that this whole thing only works because I have never opened my mouth about the ONS. So to see her enjoying this guys company at what is basically my expense. She certainly doesn't see it this way and I'm sure the guy regrets what happened as well but to some extent. I'm sure he enjoys thinking that he got away with it. The whole is ridiculous and I could end it at anytime by simply saying to him "I know". But that would be LB because she confessed and I couldn't use that against her this way.
l)Playing pool isn't the issue, even a married woman going to the bar to compete in a league with mostly single people isn't the issue. I'm fairly liberal but it's just continued contact knowing it can never be a normal friendship. You well know you just can never go back and make it right. It will never, never heal with regard to me being in his company. I can't imagine if this happened with a relative and you could never get away.
m)I'll remove the crying statement and explain that I want to be her best friend.

I'll work on the revised version and ask you your input soon. Thanks for hanging in there with me I do appreciate it greatly. I am also very close to making the call to the Harley's. My guy had some ideas but I think it has run full circle. He's starting to repeat himself.

WOE

Chris, here's the revised.

Dear W, I wanted to write you a letter for you to better understand how I feel. I love you very much but your continuing phone calls to M are hurting me very much. I have asked you over and over to stop calling him but you simply won't. I have come to believe that our M will never be what it could be as long as you have continued contact. It just eats away at me. I know you have not been happy for a number of years and I'm more than willing to address any grievances and would welcome getting into councelling.

I would hope you would consider leaving this team and trying to find a new group so we could get a fresh start. I'm not against you going out and participating in a league. But the hurt associated with this team for me seems insurmountable. You tell me I am your best friend and you are mine as well. I have been very patient hoping your feelings would change and your love for me return.

I have decided not to participate in any activities with this pool team. I am understandably uncomfortable and I can no longer do it. While I realize this makes you uncomfortable I need to do this for me. We have been through an awful lot in our lives and I feel sure we can get through this.

Love

WOE

You are still NOT ADDRESSING THE MAIN ISSUE!!!!

Dear W, I wanted to write
Make it present tense. I am writing this letter because I want to let you know what I am feeling. I love you very much and want our marriage to be more than what it is. I have been very hurt by your continuing phone calls to M. The affair you are having with M is destroying the love I have for you. I have asked you over and over to stop calling him but you simply won't. Our marriage will never be what it could as long as you have continued contact. It just eats away at me and it hurts me immensely knowing you have anything to do with him, yet you still insist on playing pool with him and calling him.

I know you have not been happy for a number of years
Dump this.

I want our marriage to be fantastic and I'm more than willing to better understand and meet your emotional needs and would welcome getting into counseling. I have scheduled a telephone appointment with Steve Harley at Marriage Builders to help me understand what I can do to improve our relationship. I am doing this alone but I would like you to participate also. If you choose not to, that is okay.

I would like you to leave this team as knowing you are with M hurts. We could join another team together as I enjoy being with you and doing this together would bring us closer. But since you had an affair with M, I cannot participate with him in any way. You tell me I am your best friend and you are mine as well.

Wow, Chris it sure doesn't resemble the original but I like your ideas a lot. It doesn't waiver at all and I guess waivering is what got me in this mess. I will put it together this evening. I will give it to her in a couple days and keep you posted as to results. She is just returning from a couple of days away with D and I will let her settle in for a day or two before hitting her with this. I will make the Harley appointment.
Thanks for the kick in the a##.

WOE