Hmmmmm. I didn't have any missed calls, Solon. E-mail me and let's make sure you have my numbers correct.

will do Just J.

You know, I really think it's time to just let go. What do you all think? I know for a fact that she is really digging this guy (I cannot see them parting any time soon) and I know for a fact that they have done some things that I don't know if I could ever get over. She is being friendly towards me now (I think she knows I am letting go so her anger is subsiding). Maybe we should just part ways. What do you all think?

First, solon, let me be the billionth 2 congra2late you on the law school offer! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

2nd, you DO need 2 let go. You always have needed 2. People in healthy M's need 2 "let go" 2. We all have some unhealthy tendencies - like the need for control, or "ownership" of our spouses (their time, their bodies...) that don't become apparent as unhealthy until something awful like an A happens 2 us. Let go of the need for control. Let go of the assumptions of what your W and the OM are doing or aren't doing. Let go of the resentment over what has happened (both real and imagined). You (and the rest of us) need 2 do these things in order 2 be healthy individuals BEFORE we can have fulfilling relationships, and certainly before we can repair broken ones.

I would agree that you should seek full custody of your kids. It's great that your mom is so supportive. Do make sure that, if she spends that much time with you and your kids, she is "on board" with regard 2 the MB methods you are applying. You don't need 2 add 2 the "you're delusional" thinking any more than you are getting it now. In fact, you need 2 eliminate that kind of negativity.

I have no idea whether your M can be saved or not, or whether it should be saved or not. I bet that it can and should, though. If your W does want 2 come home someday, you definitely don't want 2 be building walls between her and her family that would shame her away from coming home. It will remain important that you not let people villify her for what she's done. She'll inflict enough of that on herself.

Can I recommend a book? Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now". I think you need something 2 distract yourself from these endlessly running thoughts of what your W is doing and how badly she's making you feel. Tolle can help you focus on the NOW, not dwell on the past or worry about the fu2re. There's even a chapter that talks about relationships, but it doesn't dominate the message. Not that there's anything wrong with the "surviving" books. You need that, 2. But dwelling on those things can be a bit self-destructive as well.

Definitely call the Harleys or Cerri. Don't mess around with this. You may feel okay right at the moment, but you will have downs like that again. You need an expert 2 help you through them and help you formulate a PLAN for YOUR recovery.

Remember, the past and fu2re don't exist, except in our memories and imaginations. It DOES make sense 2 not FORGET the past, because we need 2 learn from our past mistakes. But we all remember it differently, and so at some point you and your W will have 2 decide 2 simply agree 2 disagree about the details, because it is all 2 easy 2 get bogged down in the differences. Just don't DWELL. Similarly, it makes sense 2 plan for the fu2re - particularly this oppor2nity 2 go 2 law school. You will make a better fu2re for you and your kids - and possibly your W, 2. So, that's not a bad thing 2 work 2ward. Just don't WORRY about things that haven't happened yet. I know, easier said than done. I was lousy at it for more than a year after d-day. But you WILL get better at it, believe me.

Just don't forget 2 get good coaching, okay???

-ol' 2long

thanks, 2long. I'm on my way to Borders now.

Hey solon, CONGRATULATIONS!

I've been thinking about you, and it's great to hear something so positive has entered your life. Good for you, and good for your family.

solon,

I answered you on JFO....if you need to hear a voice....and don't mind a southern drawl...just get my number from J....she has it.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

solon

CONGRATULATIONS!

I saw this late, but

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You know, I am also seriously thinking about just filing for divorce. My wife is wrapped up in this big time! People keep telling me I just need to move on, that I am delusional, that I just can't accept what has happened. I think it may just be time. I HATE divorce, but she is actively living in adultry. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Solon, don't let your emotions run wild on you. Also don't pay attention on what ppl tell you. Do what you think is best for you. Neither us, or ppl around you know the full story and what you feel and why you want to work on this M.

A bit of advice now... and yes I know I'm no expert on this, but take no hard choices in the first year. That means NO D yet!.
Maybe I'm not reading you right, but you want D for dettach, for that you got plan B. Yes I know I have not followed it, but just a few days ago I got it. Let it sink on you solon. Start doing the thing you must do for you. Let time pass and the A die or not, meanwhile do what is good for you. I know is easy to say and hard to do, but I didn't and I have suffered A LOT! I can't save you the pain telling you this because I KNOW you have to live it. But A's do end! one way or the other, in the meantime don't waste your life. Learn acceptance, tolerance, and I would also recommend ANY 12 steps programs you might join.
It has helped me most that I can think of.

How is your circle of friends solon? your family supporting you on this? They are there for a reason!!! Get them when you need them. Pray!!! Pray ALWAYS work, don't doubt it, if for nothing else it will give u peace.

Take care

Solon,


Hey .. how's things going? Congrats on the offer .. I know it's Rough. Hey You asked how things have been .. well.. still has it's ups and downs. My wife haas pretty much ignored every court order to stay away from him .. has brought my children over to his house almost every night and really is plan B'ing me .. LOL ( not that I'm complaining )

WMWB is about the same way.. a few differences but about the same. I had a review of the Divorce yesterday and I will getting a fianl date here in the very near future. I've given it my everything and really have no more to give, but have no intentions on giving up just yet. Anyways just a quick update .. how are things on your end .. going any better>? report back and I'll keep checking back .. I promise I will not disappear on you again .. also if you want 2 send me an email to Lost_Confussed@hotmail.com and I'll send you my phone number in case you need someone to talk too.