You know, all of you are right. The O/W called him at my daughters house yesterday. He came over her to eat supper and yet he accepts calls from her at my daughters house when he is babysitting... Should I tell him I know of this and that I feel he is playing me for a fool????????????? My daughter said I should not tell him that I know she called because she will just call his cell phone instead....I am doing Part Plan A and yet Part Plan B. He is out with the other woman and plans to return Mar 2, but I was told to still Plan A it with him so that is what I am trying to do. Last week he came over twice for supper and gives my grandkids a ride on the golf cart........ But I think he's getting his cake right now and eating it too, even though he says he is returning to me....I think I will say I will only see him on Sat. night for dinner ( out) to discuss our future...... Does that sound appropriate???????????

I am doing Part Plan A and yet Part Plan B.
FYI:
You are doing NONE of Plan A and NONE of Plan B. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

lefty,

It's true what Chris -CA123 wrote.
You are doing neither Plan A nor Plan B.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Sorry, I don't want to "pound on you" but please try to "understand" what this is all about.

Plan A means NO PRESSURE!!!! No Demanding!!! Not "relationship" or Affair talk". Plan A is (as far as I understand) to give your spouse good reasons to think fond and good about you.
It's no questioning it's plain and simple depositing "love units" !!!!

If you are doing Plan A you don't give him reasons to get mad.

From what you are writting, you are pressuring your husband. You are "telling him what to do".
You are giving him reasons to feel anger!!!

Plan A is meant to make your WS think good about you!!!

Once someone has done a Plan A and begins to get the "sucked up" feeling it is wise to then go over to Plan B.
Plan B is for the BS. It is meant to preserve the love that the BS still has for his Betraying spouse.
No contact at all will keep the Betrayed spouse safe from further pain and will give the WS time on his own to "Live" with what he believes is paradise.

It will give the WS time to experience "reality" without the BS.

So as you see, it is not possible to do a little of Plan A and a little of Plan B. Mostly not if you are not doing either of them the right way.

Please READ about Plan A!!!!!and please give me "feedback" and tell me what you are thinking. I truely want to "help you!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

bb

I think we are on our way to him coming home. But you are right , I have been pressuring him to come home sooner if he really loved me, not make me wait till Mar. 2. So I am love busting for sure. So I am trying to put my mind to not doing this until he comes home. I do see him because there of the way our schedules are and he is babysitting the grandkids over THERE house since we are not together at this point. But he has been bringing them over to see me and my mom, so I truly believe this is what has turned him around to coming home. Its just that he has a date in his mind and I guess as much as it hurts I have to abide by that and do Plan A. No angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands right now. As a matter of fact, he popped in this morning before he went to work and I did very well and just enjoyed his company and thanked him for stopping by. But it does hurt me deeply seeing him and knowing he is going back to her house after he is done his work. But at least he chose to come here this morning instead of staying in her house. And I have discussed it previously about not taking advantage of me and leading me on so hopefully he is sincere about his motives.... Is there any suggestions that you can make for me to make this month go smoother?????????? If you feel I am doing wrong, let me know....... After re-reading Plan A I was pressuring him to come home sooner if he really love me,I do not want him to say I rushed him back, but hopefully I will NOT from this day on........

These are great words from you!! And Chris and BB are right, there is no such thing as Plan A AND Plan B.

Have you looked at the LoveBusters that you need to cut out? The disrespectful judgements, angry outburst, independent behavior, etc? The morning meeting with him sounds like it went REALLY well. Won't it be great when Your M is like that?

I know you have been working hard, but not working very smart (I know, an old cliche), so you are tired...but keep up the good Plan A. Deposit as many love units in his LoveBank as you can!! It does seem like cake-eating...because it is. He is getting his Emotional NEeds met by 2 women. It's important for you to show him at this time you can fulfill his most important EN's and he won't need her.

What will you need from him to renew and truly commit to the M? N/C from OW, calls from his jobs? What will you need? This is what you will put in a Plan B letter. It will be important for you to ask him for these things BEFORE he comes home. If he is not willing to do these things, then it will probably be time to go to Plan B. A Plan B is planned no contact with the spouse, it protects the love you have, and forces the OW to meet all his ENs (which she will fail). Let her be the one to LB.

How does this sound?

Yes, I was thrilled with the morning coming over here. I thought he wanted to just spend time with me before work, then it dawned on me he was making a deposit at the bank right down the road from us. That's why he left at 8 o'clock. Oh well, I guess he still could have stayed at the O/W house just as well. I'll bite my tongue on that one. I will try hard from now on not to love bust......He could have just as well said " hey, honey, make this deposit for me ." I always made the deposits, so he still is being evasive about some things.....This WILL have to stop after he is back....I WILL NOT take dishonesty about moneys coming into this house, and there will be no such thing as HIS money for odd jobs. It should all go into one........

OK, good start about the money...

What else?

And remember, you can only request these things, he has to agree, you can't make him. But you can choose not to live that way (which means he doesn't come back home until he agrees and is meeting those terms).

I am up again. Can't sleep for nothing. If I make till Mar 2 I'll be lucky. This is the worst thing in my life I have gone through. I wish I would wake up and find out its a dream, but it never is. Wy do I want someone back that is putting me through this torture. Is is really possible that setting this date to come home by will make him have the guts to go the course when he comes home?????????????????? How do I not make this bother me even when he comes home with me??????????? It just doesn't make sense...................

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lefty:
<strong> Yes, I was thrilled with the morning coming over here. I thought he wanted to just spend time with me before work, then it dawned on me he was making a deposit at the bank right down the road from us. That's why he left at 8 o'clock. Oh well, I guess he still could have stayed at the O/W house just as well. I'll bite my tongue on that one. I will try hard from now on not to love bust......He could have just as well said " hey, honey, make this deposit for me ." I always made the deposits, so he still is being evasive about some things.....This WILL have to stop after he is back....I WILL NOT take dishonesty about moneys coming into this house, and there will be no such thing as HIS money for odd jobs. It should all go into one........ </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stick to Plan A!!! Don't think about March 2nd!!!! Don't think about "What will have to change!!"
Don't think about "What" he could of said or not because this will make no difference.

He is doing the things the way "he thinks" it is the right way so you can't change that without "love busting!" Let go of that.

If he comes, ok, make the time together "enjoyable & pleasent" nothing more and nothing less.

lefty, make sure that you take the best care of "yourself!". Don't show him that you are sad and that you are suffering that will appear needy and very unattractive. Rather, get your hair styled, get aour nails done and a new outfit.

Display that you are "enjoying and taking time" for yourself.
Don't mention a thing about your changes, just display them and get your husband "thinking & puzzled".

Also don't involve the kids. You can see the effect of your behaviour when your kids begin to question, then you will "know for sure" that it is working!!!!
Do this for yourself because if your kids react in anyway, then you know for sure that your husband also notices the changes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I also wouldn't make myself available at all times. Go out and do something just don't be home all the time.
I know that this is hard in your situation but it will surely make you more interesting and I'm sure it will get your husband "puzzled".

Let go of all "questions" because your husband is responsible for his actions and no matter what reasons he is doing things this way, he knows what is "right or wrong".

If he really wants to "open-up and bring back honesty" this will happen. It will not happen because you are "wishing this".

I wouldn't mention anything about "what will have to change when your husband comes home" because you should now concentrate on a straight Plan A!!!!

Also lefty consider one thing there is also no such thing as a "Hurried Plan A!" There is no Quick fix for your situation mostly not because it is the second time that he has moved out to OW house.
You have to now take step by step until you feel/see the difference in your husbands behaviour.

I think I'd even consider not to take home home that quickly because this would be an absolute rush. Now that you have really "understood" what Plan A is about, you have do it until you see results or until your time limit has ended.

Think, lefty, your husband will not "change" until he has "true reasons to want to" or until you make changes. I know that this is a double burden for us "Betrayed spouses" but this is how it seems to work.

We cannot change anyone, only ourselves.

If your husband is telling you that he "enjoys" the peacefullness and quiet surrounding he is having at OW, then think about this instead of finding reasons why this is not true.

Listen to him very carefully and "swallow" your comments.
If you feel that it is too painfull, then come here and vent!!!!!!
Otherwise get some meds to "calm yourself"down.

You have to realize that the decision of him "coming home" is your decision and shouldn't be up to him when!!!! But this has to be done in a "calm & loving" way. He's going to have to "crave" to come back to you!!!!!!

Give this time.....for "your" sake!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
hugs
bb

ok - I am trying to be a good girl in Plan A but I find that I still am finding obstacles that make me find it hard to swallow him ever telling me the truth. I got the cell phone bill and there was a call made the weekend that I thought he went away with her. He said sometimes you hit it wrong and it just hits numbers. He's full of it. His truck was in her garage with company there at her house and her car was gone. Why can he not tell the truth. I wonder if he's telling the truth about not ever touching her, I said I don't want to get aids or any other disease when he comes home. We went on an all day trip on Thursday on a gambling boat. He showed the most feeling for me there that I have ever seen come from him. It felt good and I felt loved. But WHY do I feel so uncomfortable when I am with him at our house?????? Now today he came and took me out for breakfast and said he is spending the day there to relax. He said just "let me do what I am doing, don't worry, I will be coming home to you." " I have to do what I have to do."""" This is driving me nuts. How do I ever forget these terrible 3 weeks he is spending there, and yet saying he loves me and is returning home at the end of the month? He said I will NEVER have to worry about a thing when he comes home. Do you think this is his way of really cutting the strings with her??????????????? Has anyone ever heard of such a way to end it, by setting a date to end it??????????????? This drives me nuts sometimes and I wonder how I can even go along with it. I said to him if I asked him to come home NOW what would he do. He said probably come home but he would resent it. I told him how does He think i feel about waiting 3 weeks like he is asking. I reall feel I am growing apart from him by doing this.......Am I taking it to much to heart, should I just go along for now. He said to make arrangements for a long weekend Mar 25 - 29 to visit relatives and spend time together. So I made the arrangements today. If he doesn't come back, he will have to eat the flight bill. So maybe he is serious. I just hate it. I can really smack the S _ _ T out of him. I am really getting disgusted with this arrangement, but I feel I have to make it the 14 more days.......Do you think it will be worth it?????????? Thanks for letting me vent.......This is the worst and abnormal thing I have experienced in my life...........Right now I feel we both are in a fog, him for what he is doing, and me for allowing it.....But I want to save a marriage of 35 yrs.............

Lefty,

You've put up with it this long, what is another two weeks? Keep yourself busy.

And give some thought to what you might do if he doesn't make good on his promise to come home. Because we all know it ain't over until the fat lady sings.....

Snow