DUPLICATE what is wrong w/me?? I cannot post for **** today:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by yosh:
<strong> IMO, the problem I see is that the nice husbands of SG/Mrs.X are taken for granted when they treat their wives with love and respect. These women do not appreciate being treated like respectable virtuous women and tend to gravitate toward the "bad boy" type of men who treat them like tramps. The drama makes them feel alive. In comparison their nice loving husbands are viewed as boring and not very macho. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

To Stupidgirl and Mrsx:
Thanks for sharing your story. I have wondered what went through my WW when she became involved with an older and sick man. Our marriage was without blemish and she and him ruined that. I have felt so demeaned and insulted. She was my life and motivation to go on. She has not had to work and preferred to stay home to raise our children. Before we had children, I encouraged her to go to school and get some training while I obtained a doctorate. She did not finish. She had a husband who worshiped her, who was attentive to details, who wanted to make her happy. She went on a vacation overseas where she encountered an old friend of her family and it happened. She kept that up for months and during that time she became nasty, insulting me, verbally abusing me, anything I did irritated her. She forbade me to get her anymore flowers and said that it was a curse to be married to me and wished the children were grown. I was very confussed not knowing what was happening. When hell broke lose, she did not want me to confront that older guy who is bald, a midget, beer-belly and uneducated (as described by her and her family). She begged me to stay in the house for the kids. I have done so because of them and for her because she would have no way of supporting herself.
My question has been why she did it and she says that she does not know what happened to her. She says she did all those thing to try to get me to leave the house before I found out. I feel trapped in a situation where the love, honor, and respect that held our marriage were dissolved.
My question to you both, what went through your minds when you initially thought something might happen?

Why me:
I cannot say for sure what went thru my mind. I know that when I first realizing I developed feelings for Mr.Y I was terrified of it. I tried to fight it and for some reason I couldn't resist. I don't know why yet, I am sure that I will know soon enough when I am ready to deal with that honestly. I do know I couldn't eat or sleep and whenever he was around I would shake and get very scared. At the same time he made me feel so good because it was such a long time since someone paid so much attention to me, complimented me on my beauty, liked all the things I liked, and didn't criticize my ideas, my interests and the music I liked. Mr.Y liked everything I liked and I felt so validated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> As I discover more thru recovery I will post more and perhaps the real motives will come to the surface.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Why me?:
<strong> To Stupidgirl and Mrsx:
...My question has been why she did it and she says that she does not know what happened to her. She says she did all those thing to try to get me to leave the house before I found out. I feel trapped in a situation where the love, honor, and respect that held our marriage were dissolved.
My question to you both, what went through your minds when you initially thought something might happen? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Why me,
I don't think I would let anything go through my mind when I knew that something was going to happen with OM. I knew that I liked how I felt when I was around him (only because of the constant attention he gave me) and I didn't want to think about anything else. Then the PA just happened. In my case, OM is older than me as well. He is educated and smart but not very attractive (not ugly, just very average). As to why I fell for an older man, I don't know the answer to that. I don't know if it was because since I was younger than him, he was "infatuated" with me to a degree and that made me feel good about myself. I really honestly don't know why I would pick him. For me, it was never about the sex, never. In fact, the sex only happened because it was just the next step to take in the relationship I guess. I certainly never pushed for it. I'm so sorry that you are going through this and I just want you so say that I'm sorry for how shallow and inconsiderate we WS's are. I wish to God that I could go back and change time because it was the absolute worst decision I ever made and now, because of that decision, I am dealing with the consequences emotionally. If your wife is anything like me, she is feeling lost and scared and she probably wants to make it work with you, she wants to feel for you what she felt for OM, but it's really hard to pull yourself out of the fog. Just know that if she's trying, it's a hard thing and it really helps to have a supportive H around (even though I know we don't deserve our H's support after what we've done to them). On behalf of your W, I would just like to say that I'm so sorry that we WS's have allowed someone else to come in between the marriage vows and we may be lost right now but we're searching desperately to be found again.

To Mrsx and stupidgirl:
I thank you both for your replies. It has really been a struggle trying to understand or find answers. I do not pry or ask her anything because I fear that it may hurt her. I feel a big void in my life now becuase I feel that all I did was in vain. Now, I wonder if I could ever make her happy. What makes it difficult is that during our dating period she deceived me at least 4 times that I know of. I was going to school and could not be all the time around her and everytime she said she did it because she felt lonesome, when in fact she was with her family and I was really all alone. She now says that she loves me but is hard to associate any meaning to what she verbalizes. As far as intimacy is concerned, I no longer feel comfortable and when I try to hug her or be affectionate, I back off because I get images of her with someone. It has been a year since D-day, but I still have nightmares of both of them together. I do not know how to explain what I feel, but I have a big burden that do not know how to unload. She is seeing an IC, but I do not know what she is dealing with in her therapy sessions since she does not comment at all. I guess my difficulty is not being able to find the logic in what she means by love and being able to allow someone else to destroy the purity of our marriage. I hope that you both find a way to be ahppy happy again with your Hs and live many happy years together.

Ladies,

Why Me is offering you some insight, that I believe you are missing. I know he posted for your insights, but as is usual he is helping you, IF you will listen.

What he is saying is if you cannot come to understand why you showed your H's such a huge amount of disrespect and lack of love,then how can they recover.

You two ladies have very generous H's, BUT ultimately the images of you two in bed with the OM will get to him. The thought that you don't know why you did what you did, or it just made you feel good, will eventually kill the marriage. Why?

Because it is very hard to love and respect someone when you KNOW they will or can be gone the next time some guy whispers in their ear, buys them a cup of coffee, or generally shows an interest. Your H's know what Why Me knows. That your minds were played with, because you apparently were defenseless against it. Why were you so defenseless? That is the major question. A man shows interest and you are gone? That is NOT what marriages are built on.

If you cannot address this issue via counseling or introspection, your marriage may exist on paper but it will be dead, because your H will NOT be able to trust you ever again. I don't mean trust you in the sense of going to the store, I mean with his heart.

I doubt either of your H's were angels, but I find it hard to beleive that they deserved the level of disrespect you have given them. A major part of recovery is finding out WHY you are so vulnerable to another man playing with your mind and then your body. Your H's are vitally interested in this, so that if they can, they can address this with you to protect the marriage.

Please think about this. Your focus on the OM is a waste of your time and your marriage. The issue at hand is NOT what OM is doing or thinking. It is why you did and thought what you did.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Why me,
Your W sounds alot like me in the fact that she's searching for happiness in all the wrong places. When my H and I were dating, I deceived him once as well with my old boyfriend. The day that we got M, I knew that I loved my H but I sometimes feel like it was just the next step to take since we had been dating for so long. With the OM, it wasn't that I loved him (although I still feel sometimes as if it was love), it was that I loved how he made me feel about myself. See, these actions for me come from the fact that I have a low self esteem and I get my self worth by how others react to me. Instead of finding how to make myself happy, I rely on others to do it for me and this is where I become "codependent" upon others, such as the OM. I don't know why it is that hearing these nice things from my H doesn't affect me the same way it did hearing it from OM but that's what I'm trying to figure out. I want to learn how to make myself happy for once. I want to learn how to build up my self esteem through myself, not through others. It seems alot like your W is this way as well- she gets validated by how others respond to her. It's interesting when you wrote that your W said it happened because she was lonely because that's how I felt at the time as well. But, rather than learning how to comfort myself, I turned to someone to do it for me.
Have you tried to talk to your W about what she talks about in IC? I think that you need to try to open up those lines of communication with her because maybe you can show her that you do understand and that you want to help her with it.
You said that you did not pry or ask her anything because you didn't want to upset her more, but I think that you need to talk about this, especially since it's 1 yr post dday and you're still feeling this way (not that that's not normal, but I think you'd be able to resolve some feelings a little easier if you were able to talk about and understand things).
I just really think that there's more going on here than just your wife being unfaithful. I think there's a deeper "problem" with your wife's personality where she requires this kind of attention in order to make herself feel better. I know that's a huge issue with me and I'm trying really hard to find someone who can help me with this
You're a wonderful H and your wife is very blessed to have you. Just know that she's probably very scared as well and maybe if you two can sit down and really talk about everything, it will help.

JL,
Thank you for your post. What you posted was wonderful and I agree 100% with you. I know that my job is to find out why I was so vulnerable in the first place. My problem is, where do I go to find this answer? I've gone to IC's and they just don't seem to get that the problem is ME, not my H, not my mom/dad, not some past abuse story, etc. It's ME ME ME ME ME! They just don't understand that and I don't know where else to go for answers.
As I said, I love my H with all my heart, I really do. And, I know that if my H were to leave I would be absolutely crushed. How do I cherish him now the way I would if he were asking for a divorce? Most WS's say that they didn't realize how much they loved their spouse until they stood to lose them. I know how much I love my spouse, but how can I feel that desperation for our relationship now the way I would if he were to leave?
I know my H feels as if he's lost alot already. I know he thinks the innocence of our M is gone. I feel horrible that I've done this to him, Horrible. But please, how can I feel these feelings without him actually leaving? How can I get to that point?
Maybe I'm just confused about what love is. Maybe I associate love with those intense feelings that I felt with OM and since I don't feel those with H anymore I don't feel like I'm in love? I don't know, I know that I'm really screwed up and I need help figuring this out before I do lose my H and my M.
Thank you for your posts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe I'm just confused about what love is. Maybe I associate love with those intense feelings that I felt with OM and since I don't feel those with H anymore I don't feel like I'm in love? I don't know, I know that I'm really screwed up and I need help figuring this out before I do lose my H and my M.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">S, I think you just hit the nail on the head. This is the same problem I am having. My A totally ruined my M and now I am projecting that "intense passion" onto H and we never really had that to begin with. I mean at the beginning of our relationship 11 years ago we had it but not in the past 10 years, but what we did have a very strong love for each other up until probably a year before the A.

To stupidgirl:

First of all, I am sorry that you have chosen that nickname. It is hard for me to address someone like that. In any event, your point is right on track. I think there are some personal issues that my wife is dealing with that have kept her from being as happy as she could be and that have made her to feel in need of attention from other sources. She comes from a very difficult family or culture where girls and women are not considered to be as worthy as men. Her mother treated her poorly and denied her an education, making her work since she was barely 11. All the support was for her brothers to go to school and to this day it is still the brothers and not the sisters who count. When we were married, I encouraged her to get an education and she completed and Associates degree. When her parents were notified, it was no big deal. When either of her brothers completed high school, they went overboard in celebrations.
As a husband, I felt it was my responsibility to honor, nurture, and protect her and make her feel loved and special. She wanted to her "I love you" constantly. I tried to express love in different ways, showing love more than with mere words. For instance, we had talked about remarrying each other or renewing our vows. The last time we went to our hometown together, I made it a point to buy a pair of wedding bands and I walked her, without her knowing, to the exact place where we were married and I restated my vows to her. She seemed happy by the surprise. During the time she was having her affair, she told me that to her that was not what she wanted and wanted a more elaborate ceremony. The message is that no matter what I did, she was never happy. My take on all of this is that she married for the wrong reasons and had that OM in her heart all along and never acknowledge it. On a couple of occasions I asked her if she had an idea who she would have married, if she had not married me and she mentioned that man's name. But inmediately, she would say that she would have done it for the wrong reasons. That OM courted her while I was dating her. He was twice her age and her parents were angry because he was already a divorced man. He has at least a couple of failed divorces that she knows of and who knows how many failed relations. He has no home of his own and has no way of supporting her. When I confronted him by phone, he sounded like he was just having fun with her and whatever promises he made to her, he turned his back on her.

I now feel like I was left to pick up the pieces, but in the process we lost something very special. We both had not been intimate with anyone else in our lives and now I feel very humiliated by all that transpired. I wish I had a way of going back in time and perhaps show more love to her or do things differently. I do not know exactly what, but I would try. There is a small problem, it is impossible to go back. We can only move forward and it is hard when there is that heavy burden. I miss my wife, my best friend and confidant. That is why I feel so lonely now.

Mrsx,
My H and I have not had that passion in our marriage for awhile either. Like I said, we were both very young when we met and dated for 5 years and then I feel like we got married because it was just the next logical step. Sometimes I feel like my H is more of a brother than a lover. I mean, he has been in my life for 12 years (since I was 16) and has basically grown up with me. I think I take advantage of the fact that he's always been there and I hate admitting that because it makes me feel horrible.
When OM came along and I felt that passion, that excitment from knowing someone wanted me, I felt so alive. That's the hardest thing about saying goodbye to OM, not knowing if I'll ever feel those feelings again.
What I need to do is realize that what I was feeling for OM wasn't love, it wasn't the true kind of love anyways. The love that I have for my H may not make me see fireworks, but it's a much deeper love than the other will ever be.

Why me,
You are such a wonderful person and I really true hope that things can get better in your M. The first thing that I want you to do is stop taking the blame for everything. You need to be understanding with your W (which it sounds like you are) but you also need to be firm with her. She needs to know that it was ultimately her decision to make the choices she made and you shouldn't sugarcoat that for her. You can't take the blame for her actions because it took 2 for the M to get to the point it got to and it sounds like you recognize things you could have done differently, but I don't hear you say that she wasn't doing her share of the work either. Don't take all the blame on your shoulders, you can't do that because it's not fair to you. She needs to realize that she made a bad decision and she has to admit to that. From what it sounds like, you could have done everything perfectly and she probably still would have had an A. It doesn't sound like she did this because you weren't a good H, it sounds like she did this based on alot of emotional baggage she's been carrying around since her childhood. I don't want to say this but I feel that I need to, and that is that until your wife realizes what that emotional baggage is, there's probably a real good chance that this could all happen again.
She's emotionally vulnerable and she needs to find out why and also find out how to fix it. I know that this is what my problem is and I want to stop being vulnerable to anyone other than my H.
So please, stop beating yourself up and saying "I wish I could go back and do this or that" because no matter what you did I don't think it would have changed things a whole lot. The best thing you can do now is try to help your W with the demons in her closet from her childhood but do it in a way that makes her realize that she has to be responsible for her actions. Best of luck and just know that you're a good man, a wonderful husband.

SG: Your story sounds so much like ours. We were childhood friends. We grew up together and were close friends. She says I was the love of her life and fell in love from the moment she saw me (???). When we became teenagers, I was attracted to her and when I told her she told me she was waiting for that. After dating for 6 years, we married despite of the incidents I aluded to in an earlier post. I chose to trust her and love her incondionately. Right before our 20th anniversary is when all that happened. I have had endless sleepless nights and nightmares since. My desire to do anything is gone and since my job requires a fair amount of mental energy, my job has really taken a toll and I am hanging by my nails. It is such a devastating experience.
It is true what you say that she needs to accept responsibility, which she has to an extent. She tried to blame me for what happened when she started to look for flaws or other excuses. I just said what I said earlier because I wish I could have done something to prevent it, but at the same time I think that if she still had hidden feelings for that older man, there was nothing I could do. I now feel I have been living a lie.

It is so heartbreaking to read the pain of the BS and also the WS.

The thing is, when our mates get this 'love-sick obsession', there is nothing we did to cause it and nothing we could have done to prevent it.
(Assuming it was done in secret!)

SG, I have several questions for you.
You said the OM was seperated from his wife.
You also said you had a two year affair with him.
How long has he been seperated and does his wife know of his affair with you?
Is that WHY they are seperated?

Does the OM live alone?
Did you call him often during those years, when he was home alone? Are you tempted to call him now and have you in the last few days?

Is one of your 'worries' that he will be lonely and miss you?

Do you think he and his wife can salvage their marriage if you are out of the picture?

Sincerely, Julie

Stupid Girl (I love typing your name)& Mrs X,
A good book to read on the subject of love is The Road Less Travelled. It is a good general book for your entire life and it doesn't just deal with infidelity like most of the others so its refreshing.

In one of the early chapters it discusses the difference between In Love & Love. This author sites (and I believe there are numerous more recent studies to collaberate)that the In Love feeling is a chemical reaction to someone that we are interested in. Like natures way to make sure we follow up on our intial attraction to someone. Probably one of those species proloning things. I have seen more recent studies on the effect of chemicals ( dopomene, adreniline and one that I couldn't begin to spell correctly) present in the brain. They are at higher levels when we are initially attracted to someone and as time goes on the level decreases.

The Love side of the euqation is more of a learned response and takes more thought. You must think your way there. You must decide to love the other person.

your thoughts are welcome,
cwmac

<small>[ February 09, 2004, 02:16 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

sg,

You say you're scared about finally ending the affair--what are you scared of? what does the relationship give you that you are afraid of losing?

As to the "making a final goodbye", don't give that another thought. I worried unduly about leaving things off civilly and so forth--and to some degree that was the case--but now I realize that none of that really matters--just get it ended.

In the midst of the affair, entangled as I was, I still was concscious of the wish to "be in the part of my life where he isn't". Now I am and I'm glad. It was nothing about him personally, it was the awful situation that an affair is. Anything you can do to move forward into that part of your life, where he isn't, ought to be done as a first priority.

Do not worry about goodbyes. Close it off within yourself, know your feelings, and proceed with what you know is right.

SG,

You said a few things I thought I would comment on.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I said, I love my H with all my heart, I really do. And, I know that if my H were to leave I would be absolutely crushed. How do I cherish him now the way I would if he were asking for a divorce? Most WS's say that they didn't realize how much they loved their spouse until they stood to lose them. I know how much I love my spouse, but how can I feel that desperation for our relationship now the way I would if he were to leave?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are NOT supposed to feel desperation. You are supposed to feel compassion, comfort, safety, and all of that comes from knowing your H loves you and will stand by you even in the tough times. Doesn’t sound very ROMANTIC does it? Well, it is the stuff of Bodice Rippers, it is the stuff of female fantasies: a man that endures all to stay and rescue his true LOVE. Your H has done that, at great cost to himself. What you have not gotten to is the breakthrough that allows you to see your H as he really is, and see what he really feels, and what he really endured to stay with you. It will come as the “fog” of the affair wears off.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know my H feels as if he's lost alot already. I know he thinks the innocence of our M is gone. I feel horrible that I've done this to him, Horrible. But please, how can I feel these feelings without him actually leaving? How can I get to that point?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He doesn’t just “feel” it SG, he KNOWS what he lost and what this has cost him. The innocence is gone. You don’t have to lose him to finally understand, you simply have to look at HIM rather than at you. You simply has to sit one night and ask him to spill what he is thinking and feeling, what he fears, what his nightmares are like. If he does this and you are any sort of human being you will realize what you have done and you will see him very differently. You just have to watch and listen SG, and you will begin to feel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe I'm just confused about what love is. Maybe I associate love with those intense feelings that I felt with OM and since I don't feel those with H anymore I don't feel like I'm in love? I don't know, I know that I'm really screwed up and I need help figuring this out before I do lose my H and my M.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you are right, you don’t know what love is, or to be more precise you are not aware of the different types of love that exist and how one evolves into the other. If you want to stay as a teenager, and just run on feelings of exhilaration, then you are looking for something akin to what you claim to feel with OM. If you are really looking for what love is, then you must look deeper. It is NOT about happiness, as your H can tell you. He loves you deeply and he has NEVER been in the type of pain he is in right now.

Don’t see in your world that cannot be. You must feel giddy, happy, euphoric for it to be love, but you are wrong. I would strongly suggest you counsel with one of the Harley’s. I think they can explain and show you what real love is and how to not only enjoy it but flourish in it.

You see for all of your talk about loving OM, and how it made you feel. Your life is no better. It is worse. You stand to lose a lot, and get…NOTHING except empty words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H and I have not had that passion in our marriage for awhile either.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is YOUR fault, take responsibility for it. Passion is something you do, and then you feel the results of it. Just as LOVE is a verb not a feeling, you can do things passionately, all out, and then you get the high from doing it. If you are expecting your H to provide something YOU feel you need and YOU could bring to the relationship, then you are fooling yourself. IF you need it, bring it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Like I said, we were both very young when we met and dated for 5 years and then I feel like we got married because it was just the next logical step. Sometimes I feel like my H is more of a brother than a lover. I mean, he has been in my life for 12 years (since I was 16) and has basically grown up with me. I think I take advantage of the fact that he's always been there and I hate admitting that because it makes me feel horrible.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, been there all along like the family dog. Waiting for YOU to show him you were interested in him. Waiting for you, because he didn’t want to pressure you into something: sex, passion, whatever, that you did not want. Ever hear the saying that “blood is thicker than water”? Think about this, he is your brother, your best friend and he wants to be your lover, but have you ever really let him? HAVE you brought this to the table. No! I doubt it. I think you were waiting for someone, him, your OM, someone to make you happy, to do all of the work. You didn’t even listen to your H when he told you how he felt about you, because you did not give him a chance, did you SG? Think about this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When OM came along and I felt that passion, that excitment from knowing someone wanted me, I felt so alive. That's the hardest thing about saying goodbye to OM, not knowing if I'll ever feel those feelings again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With all due respect, that is one dumb statement. You already said your H complimented you, expressed his love for you, everything. Your H wanted you, and you shut him out. Will you ever feel so alive?? If all it takes is a man that wanted you and is willing to walk hot coals barefooted, then there is no doubt. YOU ARE MARRIED TO HIM. The interesting thing is IF you say good by to OM, then you stand a chance of not only having those feelings, but learning what love really is and having that knowledge and those feelings for the rest of your life. What is hindering your happiness is you’re A, your lying, your deceit. That is what is holding up progress.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I need to do is realize that what I was feeling for OM wasn't love, it wasn't the true kind of love anyways. The love that I have for my H may not make me see fireworks, but it's a much deeper love than the other will ever be.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why couldn’t it make you see fireworks?? You are right, it wasn’t love in the sense it was real. It was a fantasy and you felt the love you wanted to feel. It was not caused by OM, he was just the vehicle of your fantasy. If you want real love and real passion, and yes fireworks. Realize that the man you are married to has endured more for you, than OM ever endured for anyone. More than any man has endured for you, or should endure for any woman. You should feel blessed and very special. That doesn’t light your fire??? Then you need to think about this further.

I have heard WS’s (male and female) refer to their BS’s as there HERO’s once all of the withdrawal was done and they realized how deeply they had been loved.

SG, please think about these things. Your H is very special. Most men would not have hung in there. Most would not have endured the pain and the rejection and the disrespect. Do you think OM would be around if you treated him as you treated your H. You keep making the excuse that you were young when you met, and young when you married, but it is NOT an excuse for you ignoring your H, his feelings and most importantly his feelings for you. You have done that, not out of ignorance but simply selfishness. It is time to stop the selfish actions and let your H into your live. Let the love he has for you seep into your pores, let it wash over you, and then you will see what you could have and probably should have lost, but didn’t because of his strength.

Time to grow SG. It really is time to grow and see the big picture.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you everyone for your replies. I will try to address each of them:
Why Me- I really don't know what to say other than that you're an amazing man who loves his W very much. I see alot of my H in you. I think, with each passing day of NC, I am becoming more aware of the pain that I've caused my H by my selfish acts. You say that it's been a year since dday. What's happened in that year? Your W is in counseling but are you in couseling? Also, it seems like you still have alot of unanswered questions about the A. I really suggest that you and your W sit down and talk about all this stuff. I think it's good that she's seeing an IC, but I think it would help if you could go to a MC or talk to someone together so that you heal as a couple, not as individuals. I really wish you luck in this horrible situation and I'm very sorry that we are here, on this board for the reasons we are. Good luck.

Blessed Time-
OM has been married for 15 years (he was married prior for about 16 years to his first wife). He told me all along that things weren't well with his M and that they had alot of conflicts. The first year of our A, he still lived at home and was trying to keep our A a secret. Well, obviously, his W noticed that things weren't quite right and she started putting things together and she found out that he was involved with me. January 2003 he moved out of his house and into a townhouse and his W filed for divorce. They've been in mediation, etc since about April 2003 (OM is a high paid professional so there's alot of things to be sorted out as far as child support and spousal maintenance, etc). During the past year that OM has been living alone, I would spend alot of time with him and we would call each other alot (I was still living at home, but H always thought I was talking to friends). During that past year, OM's divorce kept keeping put off and I never really trusted things that he would tell me. I was always worrying about where he was, what he was doing, etc. (Stupid, I know). Anyways, he always reassured me that he was going to get the divorce, etc. (and I was seriously considering at this time to do the same). Anyways, I found out through some snooping that OM and his wife have been doing some counseling (which he claims was for the mediation) and I also found out that they are working on reconciling their marriage. This crushed me when I found out and I sent OM an email telling him that he was a liar and that i was stupid for ever believing him or trusting him, etc. That was the last contact we have had and that's why I'm so reluctant to shut off communication because I guess in some stupid way I'm hoping to hear that this isn't true and that he loves me, etc. In my heart I know that I don't really want to hear this, but in my mind I can't help but feel this way when I have put so much of myself into this stupid A for the past 2 years.
You asked if I have wanted to call him recently and YES, it's been so hard not to pick up the phone, but NO I have not done it. I know that if I were to have contact with him again it would set me way back and I know that I don't really want that. I want to just say goodbye and stop this rollercoaster once for all.
One of my "worries" used to be that he'd be lonely and miss me, but not so much anymore. Now I guess I worry mostly that I was used and that I didn't really mean to him the things that he said I did. Do him and his wife have a chance at reconciling? I don't really know. I know that they have ALOT of issues that were there prior to the A and I know that there was a high probability that they would have divorced before if they didn't have a son (15 year old).
But, that's what I want to stop doing. I want to stop worry what he's going to do with his life and if I'll always be in his heart, etc. I know that's not healthy and I hope that with time, once the fog lifts, these thoughts will go away.


CWMAC-Thanks for the book reference. I will definately look into it because I have been reading ALOT lately (I'm currently reading Passionate Marriage). It makes perfect sense that "love" produces a chemical in our brains and that's what fuels the fire initially so to speak. I'm sure that these chemicals are what causes the addictive nature of needing or wanting to feel in love. I know that love is a verb and it took me the longest time to figure that out because you always hear these stories where they just "knew" that they were going to marry, etc.
I didn't feel that way because my H started out as just a friend and then it became a romance. So, I always felt that because I didn't have this "knowing" feeling that maybe I wasn't really in love. I know now that that is not correct and that you actually have to work at loving someone, it doesn't just come naturally.
Thanks again for the book recommendation. Like I said, I've been doing alot of reading lately.

Everlong- the thing that I'm scared the most about as far as ending the A is that I won't feel those feelings again, that I won't feel like I'm the love of his life anymore. Being with someone for 2 years and knowing everything about that person and then just ending it is very hard. It's hard to all of a sudden not be able to just pick up the phone or to ask them about their day, etc. I'm scared to not know what he's doing, to not know if he's thinking about me, to not know if he still loves me. I know these are incredibly selfish things but I'm trying to be as honest with you as I can be.
I've told my H that I am scared of these things and he told me that I don't have to be scared because I do have them- from my H. That made me really sad because here was my H, making himself vulnerable to me by telling me that I was the love of his life and that he wanted and loved me and yet, here I was feeling these selfish feelings about OM. I really pray that once the fog lifts and when my H tells me that he loves me or that I'm beautiful that I can really feel it and that I can believe him. Maybe I just don't want to believe that about myself and it's hard to believe it coming from someone I care about (such as H) because after all, he's my H and he has to feel that way. When I hear it from someone else (such as OM) then it's easier to believe.
As far as the saying goodbye part, I guess I just hate that it's ending this way. That after 2 years, it ends with me finding something out about OM and then me sending him an email calling him a liar and then never getting an answer or response from him. It's hard to put closure on something that still feels so open- I guess I want an explanation. I'm scared to death that he's going to say that he loves his W and he made a big mistake and that he never really loved me. I'm scared of hearing this and I hate that he has this power over me. Because if he were to say this, then it would only confirm that I was used and that I meant nothing more than a prostitute would to him. My self esteem is already bad and I'm scared to hear that i was nothing more than an easy lay, I think that would really destroy my self esteem (especially since I put so much trust into his "i love yous" these past 2 years).

JL- Your post made me cry. It made me cry because it is so true and reading it makes me feel like such a heartless person. I don't want to be a heartless person, I want to be everything that my H deserves. I know that I have to stop thinking about me and my feelings and start focusing on H and his feelings. I am trying to do this, I really am.
It's getting easier with each day and I'm glad for that. I want to love my H again- I don't just mean love him, I mean REALLY TRULY love him. I want to see him for the man he is and I want to be able to admire him for that. I mean, I do admire him and I do know that he has been through hell and back because of me. I just want to be able to focus on that and not have these outside feelings of longing for OM come into the picture.
I know that my H is everything that I was searching for in OM. I know he has proved this by staying by my side in spite of what i've done to him. He truly is my hero and I love him very much. I'm trying, JL, I really am. I'm trying to put my feelings aside and concentrate on my H. I think it's getting easier and the reason I think that is because I'm able to feel remorse and sadness for my actions whereas just after NC I could only focus on me and my hurt. My H will be home in about an hour and I just want to bury my head on his chest and curl up in his lap and tell him that I'm sorry and that I'm trying and to please be patient with me because someday I will once again be the wife that he fell in love with. Thanks for your post JL, it was very eye opening and very much helped me to pull my head out and concentrate on what I do have and have had for the past 12 years.

Wow!!!!

Just Learning... I have been reading posts on this forum for just a few months, and I have read a huge number of them. I have always been totally bewildered at the number of well thought out, intelligent posts here, and couldn't help but wonder how all of us "smart" people find ourselves in this forum. But that's not why I replied.

You last post to SG is the most powerful post I have seen on this or any other forum, ever. You have a gift!!! As a BS, I have not ever seen so many of the emotions that one endures from either side of an affair posted so succinctly and covered so effectively.

I immediately copy/pasted it and sent it to my WS, as it says things to her I've not been articulate enough to say. I am certain we'll have something to talk about tonight!

Everyone who finds themselves on this forum should read that post. As I said before, you have a gift. Thank you for sharing it with those of us who needed to see what you wrote.

Heartfelt thanks!!!

JL, that was an amazing, amazing post. Thank you so much. That is definitely one for me to read and re-read when I feel weak or vulnerable. Especially this part: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why couldn’t it make you see fireworks?? You are right, it wasn’t love in the sense it was real. It was a fantasy and you felt the love you wanted to feel. It was not caused by OM, he was just the vehicle of your fantasy. If you want real love and real passion, and yes fireworks. Realize that the man you are married to has endured more for you, than OM ever endured for anyone. More than any man has endured for you, or should endure for any woman. You should feel blessed and very special. That doesn’t light your fire??? Then you need to think about this further.

I have heard WS’s (male and female) refer to their BS’s as there HERO’s once all of the withdrawal was done and they realized how deeply they had been loved.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THANK U.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Today was a really good day for me. I didn't think about OM constantly, in fact I think I only thought of him maybe 30% of the time which is a huge leap of progress for me. Usually I think about him non-stop. I was able to concentrate on my work and I got a lot accomplished.

I called my H just to say hi and I told him I love you and thank you for sticking by me and being such an awesome incredible person. I am remembering how I felt about him before the A and this is great because I really was scared I would NEVER have any feeling for H again!
Also, My appetite is coming back! Now this is HUGE because my family and friends were worried sick about me due to all the weight I have lost. I don't feel completely horrible mood. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It feels good not looking at the phone or checking my AIM or emails for some contact from Mr.Y. It really feels liberating! WOW. Thank you all for being here, and thanks to (((stupidgirl))) for starting this thread! SG, we got some real solid support here and these people know what they are talking about!

CWMAC:
I actually have that book in my bookcase, a gift from my mom like 15 years ago when I was 18 and having issues w/dad. Maybe it's time to dust it off and leaf thru it? Thanks for the recommendation.

I concur that the posts here are amazing and very very helpful. (JL, I also printed out your post and have read it about a dozen times already).
MrsX, thank you as well for sharing your story with me and letting me know that I am not in this alone.
Thank you everyone!