Crap, clicked reply too soon to delete the copy of your post. Thought I hit stop in time. So sorry for the double post!!!!

Mil

Not saying you are making excuses...sorry if it came across that way...sometimes it looks like I am making excuses for sexually abused women so I wanted to avoid that impression. Understanding is the key to growing...forgiving...and so on.

You do seem to have a tremendous of self awareness and I commend you for that.

On to SF... Mil its a healthy normal part of any marital relationship. Its absence could indeed indicate some mental issues if there are clearly no physical signs.

You need to have your testosterone levels checked (no not a typo). Testosterone is a key hormone in female libido not just men. Many of the older generation birth control pills routinely lowered the testerone levels in many women not sure about the newest generation.

As to your vaginal dryness that needs to be looked into as well. Its not normal for a young woman your age to not lubricate. So you need to rule out any physical reasons there as well.

If you are on any other prescription medicines you might want to look the possible side effects of those medicines as well. Many allergy medicines do indeed cause dryness in areas besides the sinus cavity.

So what if no physical cause is indentified?

Well then odds are its mental. While its said jokingly that the mind is the largest sex organ that saying is not far from the truth.

Mil

You indicated that your sexual activity began at a very young age.

Now I know everyone who has ever been a teenager feels like they are ready for whatever the world can dish out but the truth is that's not the case.

Think about it if most states don't feel you can handle an automobile until you are 16 and then with limitations, how in the world is a 13,14,15 year old able to handle the most intense physical and emotional thing a person can experience?

I know you have probably seen me post that 62% of all pregnant and parenting teens in the US were past sexual abuse victims.

There is a reason for that. Most abuse victims respond in one of two ways. A small percentage withdrawal sexually. But the vast majority act out by becoming sexual wild. Look it up on all the abuse websites and you will see they all point out to those girls become promiscious after their abuse.

Why? Because they are attempting to be in control. Odds are that you had sex with a guy then enjoyed dumping. Odds are you let yourself be used and tried to tell yourself it was no big deal.

BTW slut is a gender biased term. A guy behaving the same way is a stud or player. So look at it as becoming sexually irresponsible which is exactly what a boy doing the same thing would be considered.

So you may have been acting out in response to previous abuse by becoming wild.

Now on to the orgasm issue. There is no phsyical reason for you not to be able to have an orgasm...assumming the tests show nothing.

I am going to suggest you read up as much as you can on sexual abuse. You will see sexual dysfunction is quite common. Non-orgasmic lack of lubricating is one of those dysfunctions.

Why? Well the books say its because a long time ago you learned to shut down physically during sex as a defense mechanism to abuse. You disassociated yourself from your body, from your actions, from your feelings and so on.

Problem was your abuse occurred right at the age you were forming your own sexuality. So it carried over in your adult life...btw you are still very young and your sexual being is still evolving you can become a whole sexual being with the right help.

Here is why I think you might have more abuse issues and deeper ones than you realize.

1) Early sexual activity. Your actions say you were acting out....this sleeping with everyone was a way of saying no one person could control you.

2) Disassociation. Did you note the contradiction between the words you posted and the actions you took as a young teen? SF was never a priority...if that truly was the case then why all the wildness? Someone that truly had no interest in SF would not have slept around. And if you truly did not have the need then it also supports the position of disassociation as well. To have sex in order to achieve a secondary gain (attention, friendship, acceptance from a boy or group and so on) means you have the ability to disassociate as well. Because you keep sex seperate..("its no big deal, didn't matter to me" "its only my body not my soul")

3) Dysfunction. If there is no physical cause then not being orgasmic and not lubricating is not normal. And its a common dysfunction for abused women and rape victims. Now not saying you should be the cover story for Cosmo "Woman has 150 orgasms each time" but you should have some level of orgasm and you should lubricate when you want to make love. So not lubricating not having orgasms means mentally you do not want to have sex you just do because you are conditioned to do it anyway.. And its that conditioning that needs exploring.

Mil

I do believe with either professional help or self discovery (reading about and exploring your past experiences) you can overcome what may or may not be some sexual dysfunction related to your abusive past.

SDFR - I don't know if I've probably thanked you for all the insight you've given me. You respond so quickly and so thoroughly. I really do appreciate it.

I think I at least have all the right questions now. Which I would think would be the first step. Now I can venture off and find my own answers (with the help of my IC of course).

I've yet to do much of anything with my life, career and school wise. I think I would really love to learn to be a counselor myself or do something with psychology. Do you think this is something I could look into even though my past is rocky?

I would really love to help other people that are struggling with these kinds of issues. And I think in studying to become such I would learn a lot about myself. Hmm...

Well just wanted to thank ya again. Been a great help. I think I've actually run out of questions! =) I'll be sure to keep updating either here or on the recovery board, which I haven't yet ventured to, everyones been so supportive here!!

Take care

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think this is something I could look into even though my past is rocky?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I love my IC to death. Her husband left her after having an affair.....with a man. Turns out he was gay. Her dad was abusive to the point one sister pressed charges she would later drop (not sexual abuse physical abuse). She's very overweight and will tell you is because of her inner issues...about the time her husband left her 15 year old first born son was killed in a grizzly closed casket car wreck. And just recently her brother finally passed from long term cancer after literally years in a nursing home. Finally she was a 60's child and participated in free love and the drug culture of the time.

Your life experiences are what give you insight...books help but why do you think I am insightful to the female side of sex abuse...it's not because I am a strong reader its because of my life experience..the recent one at that.

You are not what happened to you, yes it influences you and for some even controls you. You can grow in ways that will amaze not only yourself but your husband as well.

So yeah if you have the desire and the willingness to tackle the academic side your rocky past can be a huge insight. Who better to talk to a sexually abused teenager who's self esteem dropped so low they attempted suicide than you? Who better to tell her what she is feeling and why than someone that felt it and had to understand why? Who better to guide her to the light at the end of the tunnel than someone that crawled through the darknes till they found the light?

Go for it!

Hi again, MILWife,
It's scary, I see so much of myself in you. I think SDFR is great, huh? My family was full of child molesters and wierdo's. I was out on my own early, and married at 19 just to survive.

btw, I had to 'learn' how to have an O. I got tired of NOT having O's (they looked like so much fun), so I got a book (I think called "For Yourself"?), read it, and within a few months, pow! I think it's part of girls being too sexually active too early (me, too... age 14 with boyfriend), and not learning enough before hand.

About being critical... I wrote the book! I had a few sessions with my H's IC, who over and over begged me to give myself a break!

Below is a summary about my personality type: the NT... you sound NT-ish...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The NT is the most self-critical of all the styles. She badgers herself about her errors, taxes herself with the resolve to improve, and ruthlessly monitors her own progress. She continually checks the pulse of his skills and takes her conceptual temperature every hour on the hour. She must master understanding of all objects and events whether human or extrahuman, physical or metaphysical, in whatever domain he stakes out as his area of competency. And the more extreme the NT style, the more exacting and stringent the demand placed by the NT on herself in the acquisition of skill and knowledge. The NT must be competent in whatever domain of enterprise or inquiry she chooses; she will settle for nothing less.

In contrast to the should's and oughts of the SJ, the NT has many should know's and should-be-able-to's itemized in massive lists inside of his head. She is inclined always to accumulate more items, never deleting any. She runs a kind of bureaucracy of excellence, and thus can be a perfectionist, becoming tense and compulsive in his behavior when she comes under too much stress.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think when you realize that you have a tendency to overdo self critism, and enough people TELL you you are too harsh on yourself, if kinda gives you permission to lighten up. It did for me. Please take care - Dru

Dru and Mil

My wife too never had a true orgasm until she getting testerone injections about 11 years ago. Then she got pregnant real quick with our first born. After our daughter was born all the memories of aquaintance rape and the abortion and all that followed plunged her back into that indifferent sex stage.

No O's very non lubricated...sadly the best sex because then it was just sex...came when she was drunk and could feel no pain instead of concious and triggering.

I know in our case the lack of lubrication and lack of O's was a direct result of the past abuse.

Now that she has overcome those deamons the intimacy is what everyone should be able to share with their spouse.

<small>[ February 17, 2004, 05:42 PM: Message edited by: stunned-dad-fast recovering ]</small>

Hi SDFR,
Mine was pure ignorance... the mechanics of the O. I've been told by IC that I've dealt with the molestation stuff pretty well (dad, two uncles, a grandpa, and one stranger). Remember I said I was an 'early bloomer'... My blooming did not go unnoticed by the drunks in my family. I have had 'intrusive thoughts', but not very often. And I have a pretty good attitude about sex, so I guess I escaped OK.

I saw that picture of you and your W, too. She's a very striking woman. I've been told I'm very pretty, but I can dismiss that at will. I'll never forgive myself for not being skinny. A critical NT to the end.

MilW, I hope you get hope from this... you can recover and thrive. - Dru