I've been posting in Plan A/Plan B under no a straight to b.It got pretty lengthy I've had a lot of good input from believer. Page 9 is where I am at today.
I filed for D right after the A was admitted. I cancelled three weeks later on the 20th of Jan. Now on the 6th of Feb. my WW filed.In Idaho its a no fault type deal.The next step is that I must get a piece of paper notarized saying yes I've recieved all the divorce papers.Then there is a 20day wait for me to contest,then she files a final and walah 2wks later were D.

She moved out Jan.9th.I've been talking to S.Harley for the last month.Today I drafted an email and got an angry reply.Whew I'm at my wits end tonight.She said stuff that just ripped me apart.Especially that she is a Mom now.We have been unable to have children.She has unexplained infertility.

I've only been at this a little while.But since we've been through this 8 years ago.I don't know how much I can take.After reading her email.I'd like to have just said UNCLE!

I sure could use some insights as to her level of fog.What to do next.Yes,I do pray alot!

If someone has the time to peruse the previous post and chime in I could use the help. If I knew how to setup a link to it I would.

br6870,
I saw your post and wanted to respond. I feel for your pain. I can feel the adrenaline rushing through my body like it was yesterday. Take a deep breath.

What has Harley said to date?

What do you know about the pre-A conditions that may have contributed to the state of the M? Have you been able to determine the EN's that the OM met?

What do you know about OM? Is he married also? Is he filing for divorce also?

I'll try to go and look up your posts in PlanA/PlanB

I'll post more later tonight. Just wanted to let you know that someone was here.
cwmac

Yes,adrenaline. I just went to the store and got an A and W Root Beer. It used to be a couple of tall boys. That was one of my annoying habits that withdrew love units.

The EN's OM is meeting is the Sex and Intamacy part of a relationship.Though she never in our 13yrs of M put any emphasis on sex.It was always me. So I could be wrong it is the feelings she gets with him during sex.The sexual desire as she put it.She told me so in her last email. This 1-4 list is the same list she gave to me on D-day.Those are her most important en's, I see that now after reading up on them here on MB.

The OM is 32 D twice.He has full custody of an 8 and 9 year old boys from the first M,which supposedly ended cuz she was on drugs.The second M he has a 2 and 4 year old kids he gets every other weekend.The 2nd supposedly ended cuz she was an alcoholic.He supposedly has a contractors licence but is only an apartment maint. guy.BS, this area is going like gangbusters with new home construction.My WW is his new boss(oct.6,03) she is apt.mgr. She did this job before early in our M and hated to live where she worked.She was so thrilled when we bought our first home 9/01,after living in apts' for 10 years.

My phone sessions with S.H. have been about meeting as much of her EN's as I can.I see her 10min. a week when she picks up our dog.I send her a couple emails a week,small talk just saying hi kinda stuff.Plus she is taking 2 vehicles I've been working on them.They need some tlc,and she can't afford to pay for the fixing.I took all the bills so she could. All she has is rent and utilities.Also what we have been planning is stalling the D as much as we can. Well now with her filing and her telling me to get the papers notarized by wed. is going to cause her to LB if I don't.

I pray to God for a miracle and for me to act in his will not mine through this. Which is very difficult.I want her back.But I hope that God will correct me if I'm wrong about my M working out.

Now when we went through this 8yrs ago we just filed and that was in Cali. so there is automatically a 6 month waiting period. Here there isn't.

I understand that todays email is a selfish reply. IT is all about her and what she wants in her life and that it is all a God given right to have what she has right now.Plus thanks to what I've read here some of it is just plain old B.S. filtered through her fog.But it still hurt like H$##.Even though I knew that I was going to get a angry reply to my "divorce roadblock" email. Easy to babble.I'll cut this off now so it isn't a difficult,lengthy read with various topics.

I slept on it and I was hoping to wake up knowing what to do next. I don't.

She believes she has everything with this OM. I realize alot of it is the fog.But it still hurts.
I almost want to say uncle.

Brett - You know it is the fog. She has a man that has been married twice already, with kids from each wife. He has someone to help him with kids.

Hang in there, this will not last. Keep as many assets as you can. She will be back.

Thank you for the encouraging words.I try to keep the "fog" in perspective. But the words still hurt like an s.o.b.Especially the MOM thing.

I made an appt. with an IC today, she was recommended by someone from my church. I talked to my lawyer to see if there was anything I could do to slow things down.Not much. I can make her hire a process server, which will make her angry.I can file a response which will get me a mediation hearing with a judge.He will ask why I'm responding and my not wanting a D doesn't hold water it will not stop it.Which will generate more anger from WW.

I talked to the IC yesterday and she isn't right with for MB principles.She didn't recommend fighting the D.But she did say things that have merit.I've got personal issues that must be dealt with.Abuse issues from my childhood that I never dealt with ever.

I just talked to S.H. and he still recommends me to drag my feet and stall the D.Even though my WW will just hammer me emotionally w/angry outbursts and say hurtful things about us,about OM and how much better this relationship is.Today she picks up the dog,so I'm in for it today.I'm so confused about God's will.I felt through MB I've been following his will.But that IC yesterday who is a christian counselor pointed me in the other direction saying my fleeing from WW is God's will.Since she has cheated on me so many times and left me for another man 3X now.I'll go see my pastor today.

Brett -

Stick with Steve Harley to save the marriage. Follow his advice. But if you have abuse issues from childhood, work with your IC on those. You have to take care of yourself, no matter how things turn out.

I think the best part of the MB program is that you come out better, no matter how things turn out. Yesterday my H wanted to reconcile, then never showed up after work. Before this would have really upset me. Now I just say back He went, into the FOG.

I am sorry about your H returning to the fog. Maybe the sun will come up and burn it off sometime soon.

My WW isn't coming til friday a.m. to pick up the dog, she also asked about the paperwork in an email to me.I responded that I was struggling with it still, that I made up my mind yesterday to do it,but today I am confused.I told her that I went to a counselor yesterday.And that I opened up to my locked away problems. I even solicited her advice as to what to do.I told her that she knows me well enough to know where I am at and I think I understand where she is at.All I ever wanted for was her to be happy.So any suggestions even from her would be appreciated.I asked if she found a new church yet and maybe someone there could help.

Maybe she'll have me served once she gets that email.I tried not to LB or invoke anger like my last email did.I just got a little better with wording it,hinting,not pointing.

Don't make it easy for her to divorce you. She is headed for a big mistake, although she can't see it.

Work on your own issues, you need to whether you end up with W or not. You have been doing very well, continue on.

Excellent reply to her email. Try more "stall" tactics, but don't consider it a manipulation...it is the truth. Here are some ideas to try:

Tell her you're terribly hurt by the MOM thing and need some time to deal with this.
Is it possible to get checked out, fertility-wise? Is that important to you?

Give her a date you will send the papers...month? Two? and tell her you need some time to adjust to this. If she's not willing to deal with that...then ask her how much time she can give you.

Ask if you both can get together to talk about how this will work, and then Plan A your b*tt off.


Sounds like you are doing all the right things, and saying the right words. Keep it up!!!

As far as infertility for us, it was her, "unexplained infertility", we went through invetro one year ago and got "the phone call" telling her she miscarried on the 16th of Feb. Which is our anniversary.

Her reply to my email was "I'm sorry your struggling with this. I think that your past is holding you back from living your future......I think that God wants to save you from this terrible past,but you have to be willing. He can't do it alone.Remember God gives us Freewill. Help yourself with this one....As far as the paperwork, its ok to go thru that door and shut it.It will help you start your new life. There is a whole world out there just waiting for you. It doesn't mean that I'm not here anymore.I will always be here for you.....I vowed to myself that if I ever found all four of my wishes in one man,that I was not going to pass it up. Tracy was real close to that and I regretted at times that I didn't stay with him.But it obviously was never meant to be.But I can not let this one go.I don't want to ever regret my decisions again.This I have to do for MYSELF."

Those are the highlights.Yahoo! Here's mine folks.

Well you know the old saying"I didn't know how screwed up I was 'til I went to therapy."Well that's me.All that crap kept me from being me my whole life.I'm sorry I wasted 14yrs of your life with a deeply disturbed person.Thanks for sharing and giving of yourself for all that time. I'll treasure the good times always.My only hope is that someday you'll smile, smile when you think about me.
Ive begun to see my past,my present and my future in a different way.The door that I had always thought was unlocked and open for you was actually there for me all along.I am about to step through that door and close it behind me now. I will be stepping onto the deck of an ancient ship.It is old,with creaking timbers,its deck weathered and worn.Its sails tattered and frayed.There is water below deck,but her hull is solid.The bow is violently pitching up and down,waves are crashing over the rails,flooding her deck.The weather is terrible,the wind is howling,tearing at the sails.The clouds are black as night and rain is pouring down so hard there isn't much air to breathe.My feet remain firmly planted on the deck. My will to ride this storm out is built with much faith and enduring strength.When the storm is over and this ship pulls into port,I hope to be a better man for it.

How dya like that? If that don't buy me some time nothing will.

Brett -
I don't know what you do for a living, but you should quit and become a writer. That was great. Also use stillmakingit's stalling plan.

You're posts make me very sad because I can see what a good man you are. I can also see what a terrible mistake she is making, while thinking she has to do this for herself.

She is right, there is a whole new world out there waiting for you. If she continues on her path, you may move on. Later she will see that she had it all, and let it slip away.

Today I've decided I need a theme song. Before the A was exposed I heard one on the radio that fits me. Yesterday I went and bought the cd. It is Godsmack/Faceless,the last song is called Serenity.I had to go online to get the lyrics. Even though I listened to it about twenty times in a row last night in the garage,singing along(hope the neighbors didn't hear,hahaha), I pretty much knew the words.Just to be sure though I looked the lyrics up, as it turns out I had almost all the words right.Perfect song.I highly recomend listening to it.The band really rocks but this one song is mellow.I'll see them next month in concert opening for my favorite band Metallica.Yes, I'm a closet headbanger fromt he 80's.Although I never had the hair.

Serenity: quality or state of being clear and free of storms or unpleasant change.

Post the lyrics!!!

As I sit here and slowly close my eyes
I take another deep breath
I'm the one in your soul
Reflecting the light
Protect the ones who hold you
Cradling your inner child

I need serenity
In a place where I can hide
I need serenity
Nothing changes,days go by

(chorus);
Where do we go when we just don't know
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
And when will we learn to control

Tragic visions slowly stole my life
Tore away everything
Cheating me out of my time
I'm the one who loves you
No matter wrong or right
And every day I hold you
I hold you with my inner child

I need serenity
In a place where I can hide
I need serenity
Nothing changes, days go by

(chorus)

(chorus)

I need serenity(X4)

Good huh?!? Put the knowledge of these words along with listening to the music where you can feel the emotion in his voice along with the pain in your heart and hold on your in for a ride.At least I was/am when I listen to it.

<small>[ February 12, 2004, 08:50 PM: Message edited by: br6870 ]</small>

Brett-

I love Metallica. I have all of the CD's. Also I like the serenity song. But I listen and didn't really know the words, except "where do we go when we just don't know".

So anyway how are you feeling about stalling divorce? Let us know.

Well, how do I feel about stalling the divorce? If my current method works,great.If not,I don't know if I have anything else to give for that. I am unable to think of anything else.Other than the whole counseling issue that I will be going through.We'll see next monday the 16th our 13th wedding anniversary.Which is my next appt.The problems that I am finally going to deal with. It took until I am 35 to realize I can't just bury it all.That whole "I'm a Mom now" thing really doesn't bother me alot. I know her and I know what kinda fog she's in and it is b.s. Those kids will turn on her when she starts to discipline them.She can be overly stern with kids when it comes to discipline.They'll wonder "hey,where's dads fun girlfriend?"

She didn't pick up our dog last night.She had some "resident function" this evening. So she said she'll pick our dog up fri. a.m. There won't be a notarized piece of paper on the counter either.In fact I'll not have the papers on the counter.

There has been a couple more emails from her and she made no mention of the D papers. I'll have to ask her for some time.Time to see what these counseling sessions do to me.

WW came over and picked up our dog whilst I was away at work today on such a lucky day! No notes, no calls,nada, zip. Oh but yes it is our dog's 13th b-day today.If it weren't for her we would have no contact I'm sure.

Off to a evening in "The Garage".Will check later for words of encouragement.Cuz I don't see the light tonight.

Brett -

You are right. The kids will start resenting her, even if she is nice to them. They will be competing with her for their dad's attention.

I wish you hadn't written the words of Serenity. It has been going through my mind constantly since then. I keep hearing it over and over.

Now to the pregnancy thing. I am sure hundreds of people have given you ideas on what to do. So here are two more:

I had a friend that was married 11 years with no luck. She and H got tested and they found nothing. Suddenly she got PG and told me all she did was stop drinking orange juice or eating citrus. The doctor told her it made her system too acidy.

The other one is a guy I work with. He and wife have been trying for 3 years. I had read somewhere about men's underwear causing problems. I asked him if he wore jockies, or boxers (can you believe this???). I suggested he change to boxers.

I didn't see him for about 4 months and he came by and said guess what we are PG. I told him he'd better name the baby after me.

Anyway these are for when your W comes back, not now. Trust that this program will work for you.