I probably did mix up the threads. But Brett, please tell us more. I certainly wouldn't want anything to happen to H, but could the brakes on truck fail? Easily?

Sure they could fail.But not without tampering and leaving telltail signs. Besides vengeance is mine sayeth the lord. They will all get their come-up-ance someday! I would not and do not condone any course of action that could land anyone in the pokey over an eeee-deee-ot.

I'm missing my WW today.Don't know why I just woke up feeling that way. Got lots of busy stuff to do today. So I guess I'll get to it.

I don't want WH dead, just shocked and stunned! Geez! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway, I am actually getting to the point that I don't miss my WH. Because I don't like him, I suppose. He makes me mad with his very presence.

Well, I have that MT session in less than 1.5 hours, regarding Scouts. WH might file this very morning for D. We just don't know.

Wish me luck. I am prepared for the worst, and per usual, hoping for the best.

Lots of love and support to us all! Amy

Amy - Hang in there and be strong. Be calm and state the problem. Don't argue or LB. Pretend like we are there with you.

Good luck! Lean on God,he'll take you through it. Just the way he wants you to handle it.
Talk at ya later
Brett

Thanks, you two. I did pray all the way there. I LBed a bit, but the MT basically threatened to kick us out if we fought in front of her anymore.

And when I interupted, she gave me the "I'm about to kick you out" look. So I shut right up.

I think, all in all, I did pretty good.

Harudah is IMing me again. I said, "You're still awake???" and she said, "Yeah, I don't fall down that easy. I had something to eat." Craziness.

Anyway, I will post on my thread to ARK about what happened in a couple hours so I don't have to repeat the story over and over.

Love and hugs! I'm off to my IC appointment now.

Amy

Nothing of note to report this afternoon.I sent WW an email this a.m. but she must be too busy at work cuz she hasn't checked her email today.

Going to church this evening. Going to see all the people that thought we were such a great couple,for the first time since early Dec. It is going to be hard.Yak at ya later.

Brett -

How did church go? I know at Scouts the other night, as soon as the program was over, the boys and I practically ran out of there. And I got there about 3 minutes before it started.

I just didn't want to small-talk with people. And I knew there would be all kinds of questions, about why I hadn't been there in 8 weeks. Someone who used to run the program and now I never even show up. Hm.

Anyway, let us know how it went. Church is so comforting. I hope you felt the love and support that can come from a church family.

Well, I'm off to the gym! Chat at you later. Sorry for the double post below! Ooops. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Amy

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 09:22 AM: Message edited by: Amy Maree ]</small>

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: Amy Maree ]</small>

Church went well. It was nice to see some familiar faces again. Some had heard and some were shocked.

Got an email from WW today.She thanked me for working on the blazer.She said she went through pics and has 3 albums for me and some other stuff she will drop off Sun. when she picks up our dog. She asked how my counciling appts are going,hopes they are going well. Told me my Mom emailed hers wondering whats going on and I should call my mom and talk to them. Then the last line;Have you signed paperwork?

The albums and stuff and the signing of paperwork bums me out today. It just makes me want to sign and let her do her thing. Then I hear this voice in my head"stay the course." No kidding I'm hearing voices now. What the h@$$?
all for now.

That's Amy yelling at you from out in the potato field. Look for her.

Well having her mentioned the D papers means she is still in the fog.She has kept track of the "2 weeks" I mentioned to her. Guess I'll have to come up with a good reply.I just don't know. I've been feeling pretty good lately. Now I have to deal with reality once again.

She moves fast when her mind gets made up about something.Always has. Guess its time for another call to S.H. She is in the fog and sees absolutely no future for us. She has recently told her Mom how happy she is. I want to stay the course,but I just want the pain to end also.

I understand all of what you are saying.

So now you must decide to sign, or draw it out by making her hire someone or pay something that delays the process?

I am sorry. I know what it is like when you are sailing along, doing OK, then have to make a decision and deal with what that means.

As what happened with Scouts the other night. I am now drained after that and having to try and get WH to see that it is not healthy for his boys to attend Scouts with him and OW. Duh.

Anyway, keep us posted on your decision, and what you are thinking/feeling.

And I am so glad Believer knows we are in IDAHO with potatoes instead of IOWA with corn! Geez! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Amy

Well having her mentioned the D papers means she is still in the fog.She has kept track of the "2 weeks" I mentioned to her. Guess I'll have to come up with a good reply
How about, "I don't want a divorce" and leave it at that?

I'll seek my Serenity this evening and go to the place where I found the inspiration for "The Ship In The Storm" (as I'm now calling it), and come up with something moving.

And I am so glad Believer knows we are in IDAHO with potatoes instead of IOWA with corn! Geez!

Amy, having lived in IOWA for my entire 38 years, I hear ya girl!!! People are SO confused!!

I wasn't going to answer WW's email. But I had a moment of inspiration.I didn't answer the Q about the D paper signing.I addressed the counseling appt's Q which should answer the D paper signing.Well here is the latest of the inner workings of my mind;

Couldn't get another counseling appt. until march 2nd. I had to switch counselors, the 1st doesn't take our insurance.I didn't have a real good feeling about her anyway.God works in mysterious ways I guess.

She said that when she saw me in her waiting area that her 1st impression was that I was a very handsome man and I had an exotic look about me.Not appropriate I think.I've heard this other counselor is very good.Guess that is why it took 2wks. to get an appt.

So I've kinda been in limbo for a couple of weeks. On my journey to the edge of forever,to the land of discovery.Of who I am,why I am and where I am going.I cautiously approach the threshold of the doorway as I can see the deck of a ship pitching to and fro.I've learned alot,enough to realize my ignorance.I've carried a burden for so long.A very deep and painful one at that.I'm tearing down the walls I had built around me in an effort to breathe, breathe the fresh air of life that God has provided for all of us.

I cannot believe the dark shroud of filth I let envelop me all these years.Full of shame,self pity, an emotionless shell of a man. There are layers upon layers of this shell that I am just now beginning to peel away. I am dealing with it very well I believe. No anti-depressants needed, thank you very much. I am meeting my trials and tribulations without any numbing additives, none whatsoever.

I anxiously await my next counseling session to help sort out everything that is served up on my plate right now. I so want to be a better man. I so want to let those walls to crumble, the shell to peel away. I so want to live life and enjoy all that this world is. I am starving for inner peace and joy in my soul. It is such a burning hunger, that I will do all that I can with God's guidance to achieve that place where I belong.

May this find you in a good mood as you read this. If I could see your face right now and have a wish, it would be for you to smile, with a twinkle in your eye as you boldly meet the day.
take care God bless love Brett

Well folks,how's that? Straight from the heart for sure.Can't say whether her patience is wearing thin. But I'm a tryin' boss!

Wow. That was really good. For a few minutes there, I thought you were talking directly to me! How about you, Believer?

Now, were you just putting that counselor thing in there about being handsome and exotic to try and destroy the reality of your hillbilly ways? Hm?

All kidding aside, I think that what you typed is great. It is not manipulative, it is not trying to get her to see or say or do anything. You are simply expressing yourself - YOURSELF.

I do not believe it will be interpreted as a LB.

And I hope and pray that some day my WH will have the fotitude (that is my word for the day - second time I have used it in a post), insight, and courage to say the same things. At least to himself, if not to me.

Because my WH is a lost man. Today is his 33 birthday. He is broke, living in a 1-bedroom hovel, with OW's old living room furniture, a lost pathetic shell of the man he was 10 years ago. I feel such pity and sadness for him, and for our boys, and for myself.

Anyway, I am getting out of my funk. I will get there. I was out before, I just had a rough week. I will persevere, as will you.

Lots of hugs and support, fellow Idahoan. Amy

I got a response from WW.Still in the fog. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Now if I don't sign she will get angry.Here is her response;

I'm glad you're pursuing a fix to your past problems. I wished you would have done that a long time ago.You would have been happier.

Well I need to know if you're going to sign the paperwork? I wish you would stop avoiding the question. I have to say that if you think that you can prolong it, in hopes that you will change and I will come back, I have to tell you that is not going to happen. So I guess I don't understand why you're avoiding signing. I would like to pick up the signed paperwork Sunday.
Hope you're having a good day.
D

Help, what now? I guess a point blank answer to her not "understanding" why I'm avoiding the signing is that I don't want a divorce. Should I tell her that?

I dealt with her email in my own way here it is;

I'm sorry I haven't gotten the papers signed yet. I'm trying to find myself right now.IT isn't about changing me in hopes that you'll come back to me.I want to follow my path in the right direction.I hope to gain clarity with my counseling sessions.The delay between counselors hasn't helped with the haze.I seek a way to release you, in my heart I don't want a divorce. With what I've learned about relationships and what makes them tick and how they get put back together even when it looks like the end.Is just one of many issues I'm dealing with right now.If it seems like I'm prolonging the inevitable,I'm sorry if this causes you difficulties. I never want you to come to a point where you begin to despise or even hate me for that would be too much to bear,for the pain is now at a level I had not thought possible.

You have your own life now and you are happy with it.I hope that I can find a way to live with that.You being happy has always been at the top of my list.Unfortunately I screwed that up and I never learned what my role was in our marriage that would truly make you happy and to be the husband you deserve.Which left you vulnerable for someone else to come along and discover what it is that makes you happy and provide that for you.With your help I will find my way in my mixed up self.You have given me so much time already and I truly thank you for that.I've had a couple of relaly good weeks with myself because of your generosity.Now it's time to move to the next level and deal with the reality staring me in the face.My fear of going through that doorway alone is what grips me, constricting my every move.It isn't procrastination that has kept me from signing.It is stark naked fear of aloneness that has done that.To quote a Megadeth song"moving on is a simple thing,what it leaves behind is hard."So if you have any patience for me left let me know.Just say when.I will not take it to the level where you start to despise or hate me. Again thanks for what time you have let me have already.

Wherever I wind up after all is "done" I hope that I'm a better man for it."When" I find the woman that I will spend the rest of my life with, I want to be the kind of man that is whole, balanced and a treasure to hang onto forever.The kind of man that understands how romance and passion is kept alive always.

That was that. Now that I've typed it again I think the second paragraph comes across as my non-confrontational self. A bit weak maybe.I'm trying not to give in.But doggonit. She's a stubborn person.I know how to "read" her. My willingness to hang onto my love in my heart for her is not going well right now.