Just say, "I don't want a divorce".

Don’t send this email to her.

I'm sorry I haven't gotten the papers signed yet.
Are you really sorry about it?

IT isn't about changing me in hopes that you'll come back to me.
Sure, that is part of it.

Yes I did send it. No I'm not sorry. Just confused. I want to fight. But she is 3 months into this A and no sign of it ending. I don't know how it is going. Just the few people she talks to she says she is happy and has what she has been missing in our relationship.Maybe she is still trying to convince herself.

Part of me wants to be done with this. She has had several A's throughout our M and I am beginning to ask myself can I have a person that will never do that to me again? Is she capable of being that person?I was on an even keel the last two weeks, but all it took was a couple emails from WW and now I'm all mixed up again.

That's why you need to take your time with this. Do not hurry. Then as redhat says you can look back and say you gave it your best.

You may even get to the point where you really don't want her back. There is no telling how you will feel in another couple of months. Drag it out.

Another couple months! Whew!

Here is her reply;
You say that it is the stark naked fear of aloneness that keeps you from signing. Can I just say that holding on isn't healthy either. I will never despise you or hate you, you are still very important to me and always will be. Thank you for not getting mad when I ask about the paperwork being signed.

Then she goes on about her opening a new checking account and wanting the statement from the other one so she can balance and see what's left.

She finished with; As far as the paperwork goes, we will talk after your next appt. and see how that goes.
Hope you're having a good day
D

Well I got a couple more days. To see where I am at.

Brett -

I am so sorry that you are in a place you do not want to be. That sucks soooooo bad.

You are doing awesome. I know a couple months sounds long, because that is what I am thinking it is going to take (at least) for my WH to begin dealing with his guilt, instead of directing so much blame at me.

We are here for you. That is all I can say. We will all get through this together, you are not alone, we all understand where you are coming from and support you 100%.

I wish that could comfort you more. I wish it could comfort me more. But it is better than the nothing we would have without this site and each other, I guess.

And, if all else fails and our WS divorce us, we could go to a concert together and have fun and make them jealous of our wonderfulness. Eh?

I'll have to whip myself into shape since you are now supposedly handsome and exotic-looking.

Maybe exotic-looking was just a nice way for her to avoid commenting about your one molar? Hm. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hugs and lots of support! Amy

Thanks for making me chuckle/smile amy.
Ahh now that is what exotic means. The PC way of telling me I look like a cast member from Deliverance.

Yah Aerosmith tix go on sale tomorrow! I've seen them live once but not Cheap Trick. I still remember partying to their ALBUM "Live at Buddokahn".Well seeya.

Chin up everyone. When I first found out, a week seemed like a long time. Yeah it was miserable, but once you start taking care of yourself and getting out and doing things, it get better.

My H has been in the fog so long that I don't even remember it being nice having him around. Now it is nice NOT to have him around.

I hope you will get your spouse's back before you run out of love. I think after months and months of this treatment, many people just move on.

Brett -

Any new news? What's going on?

I hope you are pulling yourself up by your bootstraps! I have had to do that more times than I can count.

I didn't realize until yesterday that this is the 3rd A your WW has had. I honestly don't know if I could survive 2 of these things. Let alone 3! You are very strong, and she is one very lucky woman.

Keep on keeping on, as Believer said. That is all we can do, and hope they come to their senses. If they have any sense left.

I am beginning to doubt thatmy WH has any left, and I haven't even made it 9 weeks yet! Arg.

Well, I'm off to the gym to burn off all that pizza I ate last night. Have you tried the Pesto Pizza from Lucky 13's in Hyde Park? VERY good, unfortunately for my a**. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Chat at you later. Keep posting!

Amy

No I haven't tried that pizza, usually pizza hut for me.

Amy check out page 7 of this post, WW goes into the "it is unhealthy for you to hang on." That is something she said just after d-day, when I told her what is she going to do when the "newness" wears off. She said it would be unhealthy for me to take her back again. She has since told me sometimes she had regretted not staying with the OM from A's 1 and 2. What kind of a person tells their spouse that kind of crap. That they had been thinking about that stuff for the last 8 years. It's no wonder our M had no "intamacy" not when she was thinking about OM all along. Now she has a new OM and the 4 wishes she has always wanted in a man is there with this one. Well too bad for her that in 13 years of M, I never heard of these so called 4 wishes.

Yes Amy this is her third A. The first two were with the same OM. After the second A she had written me a letter telling me that in the 5 yrs. we had been married she had cheated on me 4 times or 4 different men couldn't tell which it was. So in 13 years she has been with possibly 5 or 6 other men. What am I doing? She needs therapy as much as I do.What is wrong with her or us that she feels compelled to go ahead and sleep with someone else. Yes I've read SAA and much on this site. But why should I take her back? Why shouldn't I just go through the bloodletting and pain and move on? Instead of prolonging the inevitable as she says. Aside from her multiple A's there are many good times between us and a seemingly loving relationship. Was she living a lie? Trying to be something she cannot possibly be..MY WIFE!

I am a bit agrivated today. Not enough coffee this a.m.

Brett -
Some people have severe internal problems and just cannot be faithful.

My H married his first wife when he was in the Navy. She was a virgin when they married. Well he left her with a one month old baby girl to go with OW. She never remarried, but has had a great life and daughter came out to be a wonderful girl.

Next he married OW. Then shortly after left her and next daughter to cheat with next OW.

So you see I had lots of warning. But I knew him so well before we married, I never thought it would happen to me. Call me stupid.

Now he is with latest OW, who has a history of cheating on her H. I guess the question will be which of them with cheat first.

I am happy now. He came back Monday to "reconcile" again. I told him I don't want someone who loves somebody else. He is not chained to me, and I am not the warden. I'm tired of that. I would rather be alone.

You are young and a good catch. Get rid of the dead dogs in the basement, as we call it in 12-step program.

You have many things going for you. See list below:
1. You still have one tooth.
2. You can fix cars (lot's of women looking for that.)
3. You have been faithful.
4. You are calm and caring even though your wife has acted poorly.
5. You are working on your issues, not blaming her.
6. You write beautifully.
7. Your spiritual walk is improving.
8. You have been a good son-in-law.
9. You are lots of fun.
10. You have tickets to Metallica.
11. You have a home and a nice dog.
12. You have a gift of being able to relate to women, young (like Amy), and old (like me).
13. You have job and show up for work.

I'll think of some more later, but you get the point. Carefully, and prayerfully consider your options.

Thanks so much, hit me right in the blood pumper. Made my day believer.

Wow. That was really great, Believer. Where the heck is my list??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh yeah, I'm supposed to wait out my fog-bound WH because of our boys. Oh yeah.

I tell you, after almost 9 weeks (which does seem like a VERY long time for me to be so patient, damm**), I am fast coming to the end of my rope. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Brett, did you get those Aerosmith tickets? My friend called today, after they'd been on sale for a few hours, and it was $60 for not very good seats.

On my way to the gym this morning, there were not many seats left and the DJ said they'd only been on sale 22 minutes!

I saw Aerosmith when I was younger. And I think I saw Cheap Trick, too, but I can't remember who they would have opened for. I also saw AC/DC. I wanted to see Def Lepard so bad. My cousins came from Idaho Falls to see them. But, alas, it was not in the cards for me. That was after the drummer lost his arm, of course. Have you ever seen them?

About your WW, I don't know. You do need to search your heart carefully, and pray and listen and be open to what He has planned for your life. God does have a Divine Plan of happiness for you, it just might not look like what YOU think it should look like.

Listening is the hardest part. To overide our human selves and listen to the divine part of us. That is my hardest part, anyway. I think it is because I am hard-headed and stubborn, and really think I know what is best for me. And, of course, I don't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have a great day. Have you gotten over to Gold's yet? My workout felt great today. I think I have injured a butt muscle. It expecially doesn't like it when I do any side-to-side movement. So yesterday in Step class it hurt bad. But wasn't too bad on the elliptical trainer today. Cramped up near the end. But it was during cool-down, so I just limped off and stretched good before doing my stength training.

Chat at you later. WH is bringing my boys home soon, and they want to go see that new western movie that is out. So now I have to figure out what it is and when! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Amy

I didn't get tix,I'm working today. Real hard can't you tell? I never have seen Def Leppard. They came to my town in 83,but my folks were pretty strict with me that summer.Guess they figured I'd be puffing some herbs at that age. So I never saw them.

Listening to what the divine plan for me has been a struggle.I know what I want.But I don't know yet if that falls in line with God's will.
It isn't supposed to be a struggle that I've learned.I just need to figure out if my desires are worth struggling with.Or if they are even in line with Gods will.

Sorry to hear about your butt muscle. As a runner I've learned never to run on unstretched muscles and to never stretch "un-warmed" up muscles. If it is a pulled muscle only time will heal that. If it is strained just don't push too hard, takes longer to heal.I'm a perv so I'll leave it at that,no SF for 3 months gives me bad thoughts.

New western? Hmm. I just rented on directv Open Range w/Kevin Costner.Slow to spool up(ala costner), but Duvall is good. The gun battle is very realistically portrayed I think. Very violent, abrupt, without hollywood glamour. Not one I'd recommend for someone young of mind. But one moral lesson I enjoyed in it was, not messing with someone elses woman.

Great big thanks to believer and amy for your continued support/posts. Also I'd like to thank Chris for his occaisonal 2X4 wackings.Those tend to make me pull my head outta my posterior.

Well tomorrow is doggie swap day. It has now gone to one week at a time. Her choice.

She went through some photo albums and seperated pix and has 3 to give me. Plus "some other stuff." I shouldn't obsess. I'm trying not to. But other stuff? Man, I hope it isn't a bunch of personal stuff I've given her over the years. Like jewelry, pics, etc. Or worse, she saved every card, every letter, every note I have ever written her in the 14+ years we've known each other. I hope it is house stuff or something of that nature. If it is personal stuff, it'll be a knife in the back/heart.Kicking me when I'm down kind of stuff.

Again she'll probably sneak in and out while I'm away slaving away at work. Most of the time I'm relieved she does it that way. So I don't have to see her. It's painful for her also, cuz she only stays 10 minutes when she does see me. If this D does take place, you bet your last buck the locks are getting changed.I intend on entering a plan B at that moment. It's going to be a modified B because her parents bought that house up here and sooner or later when I'm asked to tend to something WW will have to be involved. Also swapping of the dog, there isn't anyone around to be mediators. I would feel bad putting my neighbors in that position anyway.

Well gotta get rollin' yak at ya tomorrow.

Brett -

I am so sorry for your pain. I understand so well. Since my WH told me that he has never loved me for the past 15 years, I gave him back all the jewelry he ever bought for me, to include my engagement ring.

He took off his wedding ring over a week ago. He says it is because I was right about the jewelry, and he feels he married me for the wrong reasons.

I actually still wear a wedding ring. It is a Sweet 16 ring my mother gave me.

Kicking someone when they are down. It's bad enough to be cheated on and betrayed - then to have them say they don't want you anymore when you are willing to forgive and rebuild and move on, is shockingly painful.

I have cried the past 2 days. I don't know why. I was doing really well. Now I just have to sob to God to take away my pain and fill me up with love and peace. And He does.

It's just a rollercoaster ride. And it sucks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorry I'm not more uplifing today. I just got an unexpected email from WH. It was about a tax form, of course. The sad thing is, I don't get excited anymore about unexpected communication. I don't think it is him wanting to say something kind or inspirational to me. I know it is either business, or kids. Period.

Oh well. What will be will be. I still love him. Sometimes I pray to God that I wouldn't or couldn't love him anymore. But I still do. So I guess for whatever reason it is meant to be for now.

We'll get through this one way or the other. And you do have so much going for you. You will be fine either way. I know I will too.

I worry about dating because I have been with WH since I was 16. That makes me chuckle. I am actually terrified at the prospect of dating, let alone physical contact with another man.

Plus I have kids, and I have no idea how that could work. I don't know. I guess I will have to cross all those bridges when/if I get to them.

Again, sorry for the downer post. I do feel your pain. I'll pray for us both tonight. I hope you go to church tomorrow. I'm going. I have missed the past 2 weeks. I can't miss again.

Have a great Sunday. Chat at you later.

Amy

amy -

You guys will do just fine. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.

I married H when I was 45 with 2 kids. He had 6. Everything was good for 10 years. So there is lots of hope for both you and Brett.

And you may get back with your spouses. Just tonight Luke wrote on the divorce board that he is now getting back with his wife. She was completely gone, had filed for divorce, didn't want to talk to him at all, etc. Read his story.

You just have to hang in there and have hope. And also know that no matter what happens, you deserve to have a great life.

The dawn of a new day. Wonder where I'll be at the end of it? I'm working right now.So I don't get to go to church on sundays for at least another month. Starting last Wed. we have lent services every week at church, w/soup potluck beforehand, so I'll be able to socialize with wonderful and supportive people weekly.

I drove the "hot rod" into work today, felt great flyin' down the freeway at 5a.m.,cruising along at 85.If not for the 35yr. old suspension, I'd have been going much faster. But in my minds eye I see that old suspension barely keeping the tires on the pavement in a straight line. So I only moderately push it.

And what a beautiful day in the valley it has been! Wow. Very uplifing.

Well, I went to church today. It was a miracle, because for the first time in 5 weeks my friend and I actually made it there on the same day. Very exciting.

The service was primarily about giving money, but I turned it into giving to other people of yourself. So, give money get money = give encouragement get encouragement.

It works for me. I do have the ability to turn almost any situation around for myself, I must say. Given enough time and thought, I am pretty inventive.

I would love to ride in the hotrod! Wow, your WW must know exactly how Tim the Tool Man Taylor's wife feels. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I was thinking about you as I was driving home on the interstate last night. I was tuning out my boys, because they were talking way above my head with regards to Star Wars trivia, and I let my mind wander.

And it wandered to you and your one tooth. And I thought, well, at least with the one tooth being a sturdy molar, you could possibly get an extensive bridge system set up in there and have at least some teeth added.

And with hair plugs, or Rogain, and Gold's gym shaping up your plummer's butt. And you could get lifts in your shoes to even out your legs.

And your mechanical abilities, combined with your taste in good music, you have no worries!

I, on the other hand, am falling apart. I am very concerned about the pain in my a**. No, not my WH, the other sharp pain that I was telling you about the other day. It is wrapping around my hip now, and up into my lower back on the right.

I normally don't get these when I do my yoga, and I have been doing my yoga. I woke up with it Tuesday night (after not going to yoga because I had so much anxiety I forgot I already took my anti-anxiety and I took my anti-anxiety again and fell asleep at 8). Weird. I mean weird about the pain. So, I'm not sure if I have a sprain, a strain, or just a regular pain.

I'm contemplating making a doctor's appointment. Maybe I should make a massage appointment! That is what I am going to do. I know just the place. Little place here in Meridian. The girl does my hair there, and the massage therapist is good, she says.

Actually, that was advice given to me by a woman whose H left her. Because our bodies need the touch, since we have no more touching going on. Well, after almost 9 weeks, I'm beginning to see her point! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well, better go. I am getting back to my better place of strenth and power. Just in time to get the wind knocked out of me again at MT on Wednesday. Oh well. At least I don't have to go to any Scout meetings this week. Phew. That sucked.

Chat at you later. Post and tell us what's going on today. Did she just sneak in again, or did you see her? Did she leave you any notes?

I'll have to tell you what WH did today that cracked me up, later. Remind me.

Amy

Hmm... Your pain in the bu##, sounds serious. As my track coach used to say there is good pain(physical/muscle) and there is bad pain. Deciding between the 2 can be a bit fuzzy when you have a goal in mind.Sounds like bad pain. Which only time will heal. Wow, some parallels going on here. You may need to lay off of those muscle groups for a week or so. One of the trainers at your gym should be more versed and more competent for advice on what to do. Since I usually push past the pain until I sideline myself with an injury, I am not good at paying attention to common sense. But go it easy. Massage therapy could be good, I don't know about that, no experience there. I'm too ticklish, I can never get a massage or a back rub unless I'm in serious pain.

One molar, gives me character. Rogaine that's for vain individuals. Means less shampoo,combs and brushes for me. The gym, trying to add definition to my lean-ness. When I accent my running with strength training I do better in competition. I hope to be running road races here in Boise this year. I did so much in Memphis,California and Michigan where I grew up. I need to do it here.It has been a great self esteem builder since 1984 for me. I suck at every other athletic venture, but I make up for it with my God given gift to run like the wind. There is a kid at work that knows where to get me a Forrest Gump hat, he's getting me one soon. That will be the ultimate compliment to my stylish looks. Now if I can only find a pair of those Nike's.

A ride in the "hot rod", sure. But you gotta like Chevy's. It is a 68 Camaro. But at a time that would be appropriate,in light of current events.Even though I am starving for affection, I still love my wife dearly.

She didn't sneak in and out today. Suprise! She waited until I got home and called to say she was on her way. Wow. Just photo albums and "stuff". I worried for nothing. I thanked her for coming over while I was home and told her that it was good to see her.But I did not profess my love for her, in fact I didn't even say ILY. Before she left we hugged and she rubbed her hands on my back. Such a little gesture that took me miles high. She kept asking about my counseling appts. Don't know why. Would like to get my hopes up. But the reality of it is, she is seeing how I'm doing with that so I can sign the D papers and let her go.That is what I think anyway.

Well Amy hope your MT goes well this week. I'll pray for you. Let's see what can of worms my session lets out. Shoot, I may wind up signing those D papers right after.Who knows? God does, I should say.

I'd love to stay awhile and chat.It is good to talk to people from the same pit of despair. It is also good to read about those that have climbed out and are recovering. Gives definition to the word "hope".

One of the guys at work and I are heading to the Owyhees in the a.m. He's a regular rockhound. It is a treat to be in the outdoors with him. He has an enourmous amount of knowledge about this area.He's taking me to one of his Notellum spots. A beautiful hidden waterfall and an area that will be blooming in wildflowers in a couple of months.Also a great fishing spot to catch trout.

talk at ya later
Brett

Have you ever run the Robbie Creek race here? It is up by Idaho City. Gorgeous. You are in beautiful country to be a runner.

Yeah, the muscle is worrisome for me. I used to push past the pain until injury, but during injury my butt tends to spread, so I avoid sidelining at all costs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My butt simply cannot afford inactivity.

I know what you mean about your wife being there, feels good, don't get hopes up, counseling, maybe wanting to sign D papers. I know it all.

WH sent me an email last night saying he needed a tax form, and he'd be here at 9 this morning. I emailed him back (about an hour later after the boys and I were finished watching a movie together) and said we were going to the later service at church.

So this morning he calls at 9 and asks why we aren't at church. I told him I sent him an email last night. He said he couldn't wait until 10:45 to get the papers. I said fine, I have them ready, stop by and pick them up.

So he comes over, and the boys and I are eating pancakes and bacon and the house smelled so good, and the sun was coming in the house and we were watching Scooby-Doo (my favorite) and laughing and having a great Sunday morning. And even though I had everything right by the front door, WH claimed to have to get something out of the computer room.

I didn't get up to help him or anything. The boys and I just kept on eating and talking and laughing. He left a few minutes later. As he was getting into his car, he looked back in the window at us.

He has emailed me 4 times today. One email, very long, the entire thing, was personal. Not one iota of business. It was about his belief in religion and God. His reasoning was a bit flawed, because of his fogginess, but I didn't say anything. I thanked him for sharing with me.

Harudah helped me edit my response. At first it was too enthusiastic and personal. She did a good job keeping me focused on the boys, not mine and WH's past, and toning it down.

But I am cautious like you. It could be nothing. It could be something. Did you read the post Believer told us about on the D Boards? Luke?

I did. He did what I am doing. We'll see. WH is like a scared wild animal. If I move too quickly or get too close, he runs away. So I am being quiet and still and consistent. And learning a great deal about myself in the process.

That is so great about spending some time outdoors with a friend. I think it is going to do wonders for your mind and heart.

Be sure to post to us all about it! I would also like specific directions. That type of thing is one of WH's favorite recreational activities, and I know that is one of his top 5 EN. If your friend doesn't mind sharing the location.

You can tell him it is for a good cause. And if my WH D's me, I probably won't ever go there anyway! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Chat at you later. I hope Believer didn't fall off that sailboat today. I haven't seen much of her lately. Hmmmmm.

Amy