No Amy, I didn't fall off the sailboat, I chickened out. I thought a 60 mile ride in a sailboat would be a couple of hours, but found out it would take 9 hours. So instead I drove down to the marina with my neighbor's dad to drop off a car for the sailers to get back.

I finally got out and had some recreation with another human being! I haven't since superbowl sunday. One of the guys from work who has lived here 20 years knows alot about the surrounding mountains and desert. Where old indian sites are and all the geology of the area. He himself is a BS and understands the pain, the pain of knowing.
Knowing that someone that is loved and cherished by yourself so much can indeed rip your heart out. He moved on with his life wihout his WW 20yrs ago and is happily married to someone else.

Well anyway, we went on about an 8 mile hike into the mountains in the desert. There was snow from 5000 feet on up. We even had a mini blizzard for about an hour. We hiked up one range of mtns., passing a stand of small Juniper trees that must have looked the same for the past 200yrs., down into a valley with a pair of creeks that met to form a visually stunning waterfall. It was beautiful with the barren mountains covered in snow, being right up there with the clouds, seeing the sun break through now and again. Looking off into the distance to the mountains in Oregon it was a breath taking view and intriguing to think that millions of years ago this whole range of mountains were covered in a lush hardwood forest. Which is evident with the pockets of petrified wood that is found about the area. What a cataclysmic force it must have been to cover everything in volcanic ash wiping out millions of years of forestation in an instant. Amazing to think that little ol me was standing right in the middle of it all pondering what it must have been like all those eons ago before the destruction. How small and insignificant my problems were for a few hours today. When measured against God's grand plan for this little blue ball called by man, "earth". I can hardly wait to go back to fish that pool below the falls this spring and to see the blooming wildflowers on the plateau above.My friend likes the desert, he likes to say that most people don't believe that there is much to see and that there aren't any "critters" in the desert. They just need to go for a walk and look about. He's a special human being in this world of screwed up people.One of the stories of his youth that I like, is when he walked to grade school as a kid he'd see "the" Col.Sanders sitting on his front porch back in Kentucky.

I didn't need to go to the gym today. I was beat when I returned home. I'm ready to handle another week of turmoil, somewhat refreshed... spriritually that is.

Todays lesson is; go where there are no trails and see what others do not.

I had a very rough night. Started a new thread. I don't have very good words to say today.

I have responded to you 3 times already, and deleted them. I don't feel I have the energy, but I am still reading your posts.

Amy

Brett -
Good for you! As BS's we tend to think that the world revolves around our WS. This is so not true. There are wonderful things to see and do, and wonderful people to spend time with.

I'm so glad you have chosen the higher road. You are doing fine. Continue to surround yourself with uplifting experiences.

Amy will be back up again. She is letting WS get to her right now, but she is too strong to be down for long.

Thanks, no the world doesn't revolve around WS. I'd much rather if it felt like it revolved around me right now.I've got a IC session today.

Hope amy can put on a smile today. I just ordered the whole first season of HEE HAW on DVD an I got them in the mail yesterday, I'm a gonna go watch some now...

I have to say, I almost accidentally cracked a smile reading that you, a backwoods hillbilly, are going to watch Hee Haw at 7-something in the morning.

When I was growing up, it was on Sunday afternoons. And I thought the women's shirts were so revealing for TV! I bet now they look downright modest, compared to what we see on local station television all day every day.

Hee Haw, huh? I never expected you to say that. I will be shaking my head about it all day.

Amy

Just trying to repay some of the encouragement back. Well, I don't have much to offer in the ways of advice, but at least I can pass on a smile or two.

Brett and Amy -

Please read Christy's post on PlanA/PlanB board. It is absolutely great.

Got through the basics of my situation with the new counselor today. Basically a rehash of what I went through with the other counselor. Learned some new things and found that I like this counselor better.

He isn't familiar with MB principles but is in line with them from my point of view. He doesn't recommend divorce, he doesn't tell any couple what they should do as far as D. He does do assignments to couples to work on rebuilding the M. There is a case for D that is recommended here and for him which is serial infidelity. Not knowing WW he cannot say for sure. But that there is a possibility that WW cannot remain faithful. Since she has had upwards of six affairs in 13yrs. Without a ton of work counseling,etc. she cannot change. But it is up to me to decide whether or not to D.

He did ask me "why I'm forgiving to a fault?" That is what has been with me all day. Nary a dry eye today. I haven't vented sorrow like this since I was a kid. Much needed venting for sure. I have a lot of work ahead. He did say that it will take more than eight sessions, with all that I have to deal with. I can feel the mist on my flesh and taste the salt on my lips. My feet are planted on the deck of that ancient ship. It is beginning to look like that I will be on a voyage to an unkown port without WW.

Brett -

Here's a personal question. What is it you love about your wife? I am trying to figure out if you two are meant to be together, or if you just don't want to be alone.

I am starting to have these thoughts myself. I love my H because he is a good man (or was). He always thought about me (or used to). However in the last couple of years, while I was doing more and more for him, he was doing less and less for me. I'm thinking now that you can love someone, but that does not mean you can stay together.

I have what could be my final MT session tomorrow with WH. I am not looking forward to it. I wish he hadn't called last night.

But I think Octobergirl is right, what she said in her last post to me on my thread: WH is resisting losing this last part of his A with all his might. And he could hurt me and the boys more in the process.

I guess practically speaking, MT can't work for us now, anyway, since there is still contact.

He tried to convince me on the phone last night that they were just friends, and she would always be her friend, he would never give that up. Then he also told me he was still in love with her. After he said maybe we would get back together.

You can see the high quality of our conversation. Very confusing.

I'm sorry about your appointment today. That is a hard question. At least your feet are planted firmly on the deck of the ship, instead of in cement blocks on the bottom of the sea. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are doing great. So are you, Believer.

I'll post you guys tomorrow with my new news.

Please say a prayer for me when you get this. Please say a prayer for my WH. He is so lost, it breaks my heart. And I will add you two to my prayer list tonight.

Friends and I went and saw "Passion of the Christ" tonight. Wow. I'm going to pray hard tonight!

Love, Amy

What is it that I love about my wife? Before the A; She would call me at work several times a day, just to tell me what she was doing or to talk about nothing in particular. When the phone would ring at work I "knew" it was her calling. I still do. The way her face would light up when she saw or heard something that excited her. The way she would care for me;meals,house,bills,pack my lunches with way more food than I could eat in an 8hr. shift. The way she would give me an encouraging word when I doubted my abilities. How we clicked when it came to music, cars, opinions on politics,the world. I always felt special when I was with her. I felt safe. I wanted to spend every waking moment with her. I sacrificed having friends that I hung out with all the time, because I felt guilty when I was having a good time without her. I wanted all my good times to be with her. I would rush home right after work, no lingering just so I could see her greet me at the front door. With a smile and a kiss every night after work. Yes every night. She would also ask me if I was hungry that she would fix something. As if I could eat another bite after one of her packed lunches. I never doubted that I loved her with all my heart and soul. I tried to tell her as often as I could. I loved how she would tell me that she loved me with all her heart and soul. We would play this little game where I would tell her I loved her more.She would say no, I love you more,more. I love you times infinity. That kind of stuff always went on. I loved how independent she was. I knew she could take care of herself when I went away for work or when I travelled to Michigan to see my family. We would work on cars together and she would sometimes see how to do things better. I loved how she made our house a home. I loved how she could speak to me and make me feel like a man. A good man to keep. When I was with her I knew I could love no other as I do her.I just felt it.

Now maybe all that is because I am scared of being alone. That could be part of it. I just don't know anymore.Hard to see why our M went so bad because of the intimacy that supposedly wasn't there for 5yrs as she said. When her actions gave no indication.Just the opposite. Other than the lack of frequent SF. Which she explained away as the "baby thing" or she wasn't comfortable with her body or she hadn't hit her sexual peak yet. Was her telling me she loved me with all her heart and soul a lie an act? I think not. Our M was missing romance,intamacy, soulful connection,etc. But she was able to get that somewhere else again and again. Maybe our M didn't have all that because she wasn't giving her part. This A is only an act a lie. She doesn't want to regret her decisions ever again. She sometimes regretted not stayin with previous OM. Obviously she kept that in her heart/mind over the past 8yrs. That could be why there wasn't the intimacy between us, because she never shed that other A completely. If what we had was real it will in time destroy this A. Because it isn't me.

One thing I got out of todays IC session is I'm not the bad person in this seperation. I do feel partly responsible. Maybe too much. But today I felt otherwise. It made me sad. To think that it is her that has some major issues. It is her that isn't capable of change. It is her that failed us. It is her that can't remain faithful. It is her that left me behind. All that added up to a sorrowful afternoon, where I wept. I usually don't weep. I usually lock it away.I'm glad she made no effort to contact me today. As a matter of fact I don't intend on contacting her until doggie swap day on Sun. I've got some mental grinding to do. Without her influence.

I told IC that WW was concerned about my sessions and how they were going. His impression was the same as mine. How am I doing so I can sign the D papers and let her go do this A.

Could be that this A isn't so rosy and she feels that no closure to our M is keeping it that way. That is my educated guess. Education coming from 14 yrs of knowing WW and how she thinks. Even though it is fog think.See I'm trying to talk myself into signing the D papers. I'll have to sleep on it. When it was recommended that I stall her filing. I gave it a month. That is about all I could do. I could just refuse. But some things have got me thinking. Like I said, have to sleep on it.

It sounds like a good marriage. It is something in her. But if you don't want a divorce, don't sign. Tell her you married her for better or worse. Then let her do what she wants to do.

I stayed busy today,keeping my mind off of things. I went for a run this a.m. Hadn't done that in a while.Usually just at the gym on the treadmill. Felt good to hit the road and see the old familiar sights. Also to feel the solitude.

I went and saw the movie Butterfly Effect w/Ashton Kutcher this afternoon. My kind of movie. Excellent mind bender. I played video games until my fingers hurt. Then I went to Church and socialized and worshipped, felt great.

WW called this a.m. and left a message,asking if she was still on my med. insurance. I called her back and said yes, asked if it was serious. She said no, just wanting to get her eyes checked and dental work done. She did ask if I minded, I said no. But I was in a bummer mood when I called her, shouldn't have. She asked what was wrong. I told her it had been a rough couple of days. I shouldn't have told her squat. None of her business anymore. I kind of feel used. Getting all her stuff fixed up on my insurance while she can. It might be o.k. It kind of fullfills that "security" need she has. What do you think???

Hope believer and Amy are well, will go look....

Brett - Thanks for your advice on my other thread. I am really tired of all this. I'm about done. However I am still trying to go on. I still have hope for recovery, maybe only my own. Hope you are doing well. Hang in there.

You know you're going to have a bad day when....

The alarm goes off, I swung my left leg out of bed and my toe hit the trim around the bathroom door and I heard snap. I turned the light on and discovered one toe next to the pinky toe was crooked. I straightened/set it right then and there before the shock wore off. I had a cup of coffee, watched a bit of news. Then went to my neighbors house and got him out of bed. We went to the ER and I got an xray. Yes I broke a toe. Since I already set it there is nothing to do but wait for it to heal. The Doc says 2 months before I can run again. We'll see about that. I'm a fast healer, always have been.

At least I get to play hookie from work for a couple days. I could take a whole week off. But the boredom would drive me nuts.

Hope you have a better day than I...

Are you wondering who the heck this is??? Check out your thread history, and you will figure it out.

I have changed my identity, because WH knows of this site, and has been here before. Check out my thread on this Board called "This is my game now, going my way."

That totally sucks about your toe. I had a jammed toe once that hurt like heck for a long time and colored up nicely.

I cracked a rib once and didn't realize how much a car bumps and moves, and the physics of a sneeze. I have a healthy respect for both, now.

Well, you have lots of time to watch Hee-Haw. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Chat at you later. I gotta get over to the grocery store.

Amy

Yup couple days of watching Hee Haw! I've also got the first 5 episodes of Duke's of Hazzard, those are the only "real" episodes.

Good to see you are doing well S.S.

Strange thing at the hospital this a.m. 1st I had to have my neighbor bring me,2nd I gave my emergency contact as one of my friends from work,3rd I have no reason whatsoever to tell WW of my injury. You know what, it doesn't bother me. She is about as removed from my life as it can get right now and I don't care.weird sh@#!

I have those same feelings. My WH is just bringing me down, at this point.

I made an appointment with an attorney for tomorrow at 2 pm. I am going to find out what my rights are, about how much money I can get, etc.

I am preparing for when I go to WH's IC appointment on Tuesday. Depends on what happens there as to what I do.

I am preparing my Plan B letter, too.

This is my game now. I am running the show.

SS

Look to God for strength and guidance, he'll see you through S.S.

I lied, I do care. Today I pondered over my toe. That little guy was minding his own business. Ready for the day, to support the rest of his little buddies as they worked to navigate the world around them. Not looking to be treated better than the rest. When at the very start of the day, before hitting terra firma, wham! Here comes the door frame snapping him in two like a twig. Now what did he do to deserve that. All those hundreds of thousands of steps he so diligintly went forward,either walking or running. To just wind up having a battle with a wall and losing. Those are the thoughts that have occupied my mind this day.

Not to mention myself the host to that poor little toe. I had to get a neighbor to take me to the ER,I had to put a friend down on paper as an emergency contact. I had to have a coworker drop my paycheck off this afternoon. Then I had to hobble to the bank to deposit it, when the Doc said to rest my toe today. Then I had to hobble around the kitchen to cook myself dinner. I had to make a feeble attempt at taping my toes together so it would heal straight. Those are all the things my wife should have been there for. Because of her A, my poor little toe had to endure some neglect today.

I did all those things today without my wife. I managed just fine without her. But when I think of how much easier it would have been to have that special someone around in my time of need it causes me to wonder. It isn't like I broke a leg or something. Just a little toe. I'll be back to work in a couple of days. I'll be running again in a month. I just wonder how I can still love and want to be the husband of someone who isn't around anymore. She has her soulmate and his kids to fulfill her every bloody wanting wish in a relationship. Today I'm on the brink of throwing in the towel. I don't care what her life is like. I just care what mine is like. I don't like mine. I can't change hers. But I can change mine.

seeya