It has been a while since I posted here. It's so hard to communicate what I'm feeling. It's been 7 months since I've had physical contact with OM.I still work with him. I am praying so hard for another job. I can't bear to see him everyday. It's like a constant reminder of the biggest mistake of my life. I can't stand to see him flirting with my co-workers and using the same lines that he used with me. I wonder if I'll ever forgive myself for being such a fool and for most of all, letting him still get to me.
I have tried so hard to hate him but I can't. I hate what I allowed him to do to me. I can blame no one buy myself. I wonder if I'll ever be able to have the dignity and self respect that I once had. I wonder if there is anyone out there that can relate to this deep dark tunnell that I can't seem to crawl out of! My H is a wonderful man and I know that I'm so blessed to have him. I try very hard to keep this hell that I'm going through from him. He still has no idea of how deeply involved I was with the OM emotionally. I feel as though I sold my soul to this man. I beared everything to him and I want it back but I know that's impossible. For this man that I lost so much of myself for, could never even tell me that he had deep feelings for me. He admitted to "special" feelings. Why can't I let that go, can someone tell me??

You don't have NC .... and that keeps your brain connected. And your feelings plugged in.

Get a new job. No excuse.

How much is your sanity worth?

Quit. Do something far away from Om.

Pep

Lisa,

While I never had any feeling for the OW, I still work with her. I feel the same way when I see her flirting and carrying on with the other men in the office. I hate the pain I feel every time I see her. I can't wait to leave here.

As far as getting what you gave the OM back. You take it back by respecting yourself, husband and vow you made to him before God. You live like a new you everyday loving yourself and husband. It's as though you snatch back everything you gave, by living as a new committed you. The person who had the affair MUST be the old you. You really don't want back the broken person who would jeapordize their marriage. Take the hurt and let it motivate you to have the best marriage possible.

Lastly, stick around the boards here, listen and learn. You will find that the feelings about the OM will change.


Titleist

Hon, it might help you to read stupidgirl and mrsx posts (on down a ways) as they too are stuggling getting over the OM in their lives.

It probably would help you tremendously to work elsewhere as was previously suggested to you.

It seems that affairs, at the time they happen, are something almost beyond your control. Almost certainly not entirely, but at the time, it was what you wanted to do....Looking back you wish you hadn't but that is called hindsight and does no good.

Similar I suppose to a person that takes drugs; they enjoyed them for awhile and then their lives turned into shambles!

A word we have to eliminate from our thoughts is 'if'...because we absolutely can't change what has happened.

All you can do is go on with your life the best you can.....NOW in 2004.
Love, Julie

Thanks for the responses. about the job change, unfortunately I need to make what I'm making for us to get by, it's as simple as that. I have applied for several other jobs but unfortunately nothing has come open. When I'm away from the office I'm much better, so I know that a new job would help tremendously.

Titleist

Your comments are so true. With my head I understand exactly what you're saying. My heart is the problem. I feel like such a slut, plain and simple!!! I gave myself to someone who even once told me right after "being" with me that his wife was his soulmate! I continued to see him after that. That is sick!! It's sick that I would betray the man who loves me for someone who just played me. I had better since in high school than I do now at the age of 42. I feel like I'm stuck in the "slut phase" for good. I know that what you're saying is true. I used to be such the committed Christian. I feel as though God is so disappointed in me and I feel like such a hypocrite because I can't seem to get a grasp on all of these feelings that are inside of me.

Lisa,

I'm currently on this board because my H is having an A, but I will admit that 14 years ago I had a brief A of my own with a coworker. Granted, he left shortly afterward, so I didn't have to see him at work each day, but I did maintain contact as a friend for a while. I can see why N/C is important. First, it was hard to be a friend. Second, I was reminded of what I did.

I am also a committed Christian, though I've become a lot more committed in the last couple years than I was before. If I sat around and thought of what I did and how it hurt my H (and he did find out almost immediately), I would feel very bad about myself, too.

But it's in the past. You can't change it no matter how you might want to. All you can do is say you are sorry and go forward and try to not think about it. After a while, it really rarely enters my mind.

I would like to add that never in my life have I felt so under attack by Satan. I realize that some here may not believe in spirtual battles. I can tell you that it is real!!! I am asking, or should I say pleading, that those who may read this and feel as though they can get a prayer through on behalf of my family and myself to please pray!! I know where my help is going to come from but I need my faith strenghtened.

Thanks so much.

Lisa,

I have a couple of questions for you and hopefully we can dialogue tomorrow.

1. Have you confessed sin and repented? If you have then God see's you much different then you see yourself. I'm a firm believer that we act out how we feel about ourselves. When God looks at you, He wants to know what sin your talking about. You must be a new creation and forget those things that are behind and reach for those things that are ahead.

God doesn't have any "sluts" for children. I beleive that you are one of His kids and therefore there's no way you can be a "slut". Self forgiveness is key in your situation. I have to run for now, but maybe we can continue this tomorrow. Get some rest and see yourself as he see's you. Beautiful and wonderful enough to DIE FOR!

Titleist

Lordslady, you are so right about not being able to go back to the "friends" status and the fact that when I do see him everyday it's a constant reminder of the A and the aftermath of the feelings that I still carry. I think that is what bothers me the most about this whole situation. I still have "feelings", what they are exactly, I don't know. I wish that I could hate him and move on but that is not my nature. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve which I suppose made me an easy target considering that I'm his fourth A which I found out after the fact. God help me to never allow myself to get taken in like that again. God him the OM to quit using women!

Dear Lisa.
I went to 'search' and found your first thread here; posted in November.

I think it might help you to re-read it.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=025631#000000

Thanks Julie for your post. I don't feel as if I really deserve the compassion that I get here on MB. I can't imagine being the BS and reading my posts. I'm sure that it would be easy for BS's to say that I am getting what I deserve. I couldn't blame them for thinking that either cause I feel the same way. Forgiving myself is going to take great effort. Thanks so much for your response.

Lisa you are NOT a slut. Stop talking bad about yourself. You are a terrific lady and I know this because I got to know you pretty well outside MB. You made a big mistake that you can't take back but you are not a bad person. I know how horrible you feel trust me I am right here with you lady! You cannot take back what you have done. Just try to feel good about yourself as best you can.

I am telling you right now that a lot of your feelings for OM will not go away until you don't work together anymore. When Mr.Y left the job I started to slowly see through the fog. Being away from him for a week and a half and sending my NC letters has helped me tremendously. Yes I am still trying to get over him and the A. Yes I am VERY angry and would love to see him face2face to give him a swift kick in the gonads. But where 2 weeks ago I was thinking about him 100% of the time, now it's gone down to 30-60% of the time which is really a lot of progress for two weeks.
Keep looking for another job or see if you can go on long-term disability (due to mental illness perhaps? AND I AM NOT SUGGESTING YOU ARE MENTALLY ILL, just figured it may be a good excuse). You need to get OM out of your sight before you can begin to heal. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE. I am no where near recovered, I am just beginning but I know for a fact NC and no sight of Mr.Y is helping me do what I NEVER would have been able to do if Mr.Y and I were still working together.

Oh one more thing I would like to add that has been helping. I am telling H everything I feel. I am not holding back. It's great that I can be honest with him. Being honest with him is really really helping me with the withdrawl. I know it hurts him to hear a lot of this stuff but I want him to know that I am really trying to work on the M. He is being such a gem about it too.

Lisa103: I find your posts very illuminating and I replied to your post in the thread initiated by stupidgirl. I just saw this. Please, do not label yourself so harshly. That is what my WW has said about herself and I have tried to convince her that she is not that. I am hurt by all the things that she has done and allowed to happen, but I would never ever think of her as a slut.
We both have been Christians for over 20 years. We come from a conservative culture and I thought we shared the same values. When we dated, one of the things that attracted me about her was her conservative nature and her belief in celibacy before marriage, which I shared. We believed in maintaining a pure and undefiled marriage as God intended. We no longer have that. It is forever lost. That is one of the hardest things to realize.

Lisa,

I normally don't write on these boards much anymore, but I do lurk a fair bit <embarrassed grin> and your story touched my heart.

When I got here four years ago - yep, four years ago - I was the WS, just as you are, and my affair was with a man at work, just as yours is. My story is very long and very detailed, and I invite you to do a search on me and read (you'll need a cup of coffee, a pillow, and possibly a No-Doze, as I have thousands of posts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

I will say that I was both a BS and a WS, although it was my affair that brought me to Marriage Builders. I had been married for 18 years at the time.

I will also say that my marriage did not survive, and I believe (in hindsight) that it didn't have a chance... BECAUSE I CONTINUED WORKING WITH THE OM.

I am not here to beat you up Lisa, but to tell you that it is my belief that you CANNOT work with the OM and recover your marriage. A few couples around here have done it, but VERY few.

Also, let's face it Lisa. You feel rotten, you feel ashamed, you feel like a slut... why?... because you know you did wrong and the OM is there to rub it in your face every single day at work. If he's a jerk like the OM in my case, he'll give you those meaningful glances that say he cares (Bulls**t, by the way) and try to catch your eye, or ask if you're okay, or a million other "reasons" to keep the flame burning. Even if you tell me he doesn't do these things, I still say that for YOU and to SHOW YOUR HUSBAND you're serious about rebuilding you need to QUIT YOUR JOB. But frankly, MOSTLY FOR YOU.

Lisa, I finally quit my job when I met my second husband (who I'm married to now) and I'm serious -- even though I was (and am) MADLY in love with my husband, it took a whole YEAR to get those wretched thoughts of OM and me out of my head. And now, when I think of him, I could DIE! OMG, what ***was*** I thinking? I ruined my 20 year marriage for this guy? For what??

I know how you feel. I know how the reflection in the mirror mocks you and makes you wonder if you're going crazy. I know those slut feelings. They aren't true. THEY ARE NOT TRUE.

You are worthy and you need to take care of YOU. Your marriage, your husband... they need care too, but you have to take care of YOU FIRST and the rest will follow.

(Edited to say: I had originally written: "the rest will follow if it's meant to be" and upon further reflection realized that you wouldn't be here if you didn't want a restored marriage. So, I'm changing the last sentence to reflect that.)

<small>[ February 11, 2004, 10:44 PM: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can't bear to see him everyday. It's like a constant reminder of the biggest mistake of my life. I can't stand to see him flirting with my co-workers and using the same lines that he used with me. I wonder if I'll ever forgive myself for being such a fool and for most of all, letting him still get to me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lisa, I have been exactly where you are. I had to finish out the school year after I stopped my A. It was awful having to see him everyday. And it was worse for my H, knowing that I was seeing him everyday. I got a new job. I will pray that you find one soon. Its the only way you can move on. My OM was also a player. He had me convinced that I shouldn't be with my H, that what we had was not a M. And I bought every word he said hook, line, and sinker because he paid attention to me. He made me feel so special. It was all a game to him, a conquest to see if he could get another man's wife. And he did. When I realized that I was sickened.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wonder if I'll ever be able to have the dignity and self respect that I once had. I wonder if there is anyone out there that can relate to this deep dark tunnell that I can't seem to crawl out of! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You will be able to. But it takes a long time. I couldn't even look myself in the mirror without seeing a big scarlet letter stamped on my forehead. I was disgusted with myself for 3 years. I had asked God's forgiveness, but it didn't seem enough that I do that in private. So, two years ago I went to my church and confessed the whole thing to our priest. It wasn't until after that that I could finally begin to fogive myself. You will be able to, too.

Lisa, the first thing you must do now is to learn and FORGIVE yourself&#8230; This is SO important! Please give yourself permission to do so... You have remorse and repentance and God has already forgiven you. Forgiveness to yourself will be the greatest gift you will ever give to yourself and your H. You can&#8217;t be the wife God wants you to be &#8211; a loving, happy and good wife - if you continue with this self-destructive behaviour. If you keep &#8216;punishing&#8217; yourself, you indirectly also &#8216;punishing&#8217; the people around you who loves you and deserves a happy, fulfilled person. Please think about that&#8230;

I&#8217;ve responded to your first thread last year. I remember I&#8217;ve send you a reading called &#8220;SOMETIMES&#8221; that was of great help during my own recovery. I have often re-read it on my &#8216;down&#8217; days and it helped me kept my focus. I&#8217;m sending it again and hope it will be of some help to you again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">~SOMETIMES~

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be(possibly your roommate, neighbor, professor, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger), but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime&#8230; When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season&#8230;

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.

Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. Life is an unceasing process of change.

Just as the seeds of the poppy fall back to the earth, only to flourish yet again, so too, will the proverbial circle of life touch our own existence. Hardships may indeed befall us, but the ebb and flow of life energy prods us to survive.

The Bible say: "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the sun. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted..."

Whether we are experiencing the death of a loved one, an ended relationship, or grief for the past, as incomprehensible as it may seem, life does go on.

Troubling circumstances and heart-wrenching situations may inwardly tear at our heart and cause us to feel like crumbling, but let us not forget that even in cemeteries grow flowers, grass and trees. Death, be it in the loss of friend or loved one, or mourning for a relationship or friendship failed, indeed has its sting, but as long as Christ promises us hope, life shall not cease.

God's grace is as a healing hand. As does the sweet scent of the poppy linger in the air, the warm memories and love for those we have lost will remain always safe in our hearts. If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to when you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things. Make every day count.

Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make of your life anything you wish.

Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets. Life is about living, and that is why God offered us His Son, so that we may have eternal life. A life without Christ will rob one of salvation, but with Him, all things are possible!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good luck and God bless,
Suzet

<small>[ February 12, 2004, 08:32 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

Lisa,

I just read your post and HAD to reply. I don't work with OM and have not physically seen him in over 9 months.. And we "ended" things over a year ago. There were couple of phone contacts just to see how the other was doing but that was it. (Yes, H knows of those)

I STILL think of him. We (OM and I) were never physically involved, but both told each other we loved each other. I still remember the first time he said it. I was blown away, I thought how could you love me, I am not worthy. I know in my mind... Gosh, how could you really "love" each other, did you really know each other?" and all the RIGHT things that are in my head. But, my heart still says "yes, I love him" I miss him some days so badly that it hurts. Gosh, If I could just have a hug from him..

Then, I PUSH this OUT OF MY HEAD, I think I can and will! I am working SO SO hard on my M. I can't possible do this without 100% from me. This is what I have and will give.

I had trouble forgiving myself for the A too. Especially when there were/are still feelings there. I was in MC one day, and he said "You have beat yourself up enough.. it is time to forgive yourself" He said God has forgiven you and it is time you forgive yourself. I said I know I should forgive myself, but I would think God would want me to remember how bad of a thing I have done so that I never do anything like it again. He replyed "Jesus died on the cross for you so that you would not have to bare that sin and if you think you have to carry it then you are saying he died on that cross for no reason.. (WOW) and the reason you won't do it again is because you will live the life that God intended and to please him" That was a wake up call for me!

I have this constant internal struggle, but I will get though this! I will and am doing the right thing for me and my family.

You can too!!!

Lisa,

You have been getting some excellent advice. I think you should really listen to the ladies and gentlemen who have been there, including that OLD TIMER <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Sheryl (NB).

However you comments sort of started my mind considering a few things.

1. Your situation is a text book case why companies should and do, forbid affairs in the workplace. Your OM has caused you great damage. I am sure he has affected your productivity. AND you are watching him do the same things to other women in your office. Have you considered turning him in?

2. You said a few things I thought I would comment on. Some of the comments are going to be repeats of what you have heard so you are just getting another vote. I won't comment on NC. I think the message is loud and clear on that one AND I think you agree.

Anyway you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's like a constant reminder of the biggest mistake of my life. I can't stand to see him flirting with my co-workers and using the same lines that he used with me. I wonder if I'll ever forgive myself for being such a fool and for most of all, letting him still get to me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is it him or the fantasy that is getting to you? You are watching playing the same game on your coworkers, you know he CLAIMS to love his W. Yeah right? He doesn't love anyone but himself. You know you were used, and he is getting to you?

I don't think so. I think you need to reconsider what is really getting to you. My guess is the fantasy of the A, not the man himself.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have tried so hard to hate him but I can't. I hate what I allowed him to do to me. I can blame no one buy myself. I wonder if I'll ever be able to have the dignity and self respect that I once had. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't want to hate him, bad idea. That is still a STRONG emotion. Have you ever heard the quote by Eli Weisman: "The opposite of love is NOT hate, it is indifference."

What you want to achieve is INDIFFERENCE.

As to you last two questions, the answer is a RESOUNDING YES. You can do this, but ONLY if you are honest with your H and open up to him. You have NOT done that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wonder if there is anyone out there that can relate to this deep dark tunnell that I can't seem to crawl out of! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have heard from many who can relate and have been there done that. Listen to them. They will help you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H is a wonderful man and I know that I'm so blessed to have him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do I hear a resounding...BUT at the end of this line? I think you have NO idea what or who your H is. To you he is a nice guy who has forgiven you. He is much more than that, but you are going to have to open up to him to see it. You see you are keeping him from helping you because you won't discuss what you are struggling with. You are not allowing him to be your H. My guess is that he will listen to you, he will do his best to help you, AND he will hurt while he is doing it. BUT, he will do it because he has something you have not acknowledged really...he has love for you. A strong love for you. He is more than just a nice guy, much more.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I try very hard to keep this hell that I'm going through from him. He still has no idea of how deeply involved I was with the OM emotionally. I feel as though I sold my soul to this man. I beared everything to him and I want it back but I know that's impossible. For this man that I lost so much of myself for, could never even tell me that he had deep feelings for me. He admitted to "special" feelings. Why can't I let that go, can someone tell me?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, someone can. You can not buy back your soul from this man, because you have no money, emotional money. Your H on the other hand has. He will get your soul back for you if you will let him. You have not lost as much as you think. Your H holds it, in his memories and thinking of you. He will give you what he has if you ask him and work with him. Your H holds the key to getting you back, you just have to be smart enough to realize who is the most important man in your life. It is not the OM. Is that a clue? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Please think about these things Lisa. Your biggest mistake right now is NOT allowing your H to help you. The second... no NC.

You have complete control over the first mistake. Open up to your H. Ask him for help. Talk to him about your feelings and struggles, and the watch as he works on helping you. Your view of your H is far too limited to do him justice.

Like many WS you don't see the strength and ability of the BS to help you. Use it and you will gain more than just your soul back. You will gain a new perspective on the person you are married to.

God Bless,

JL

JL...thank you so much. Your words of wisdom never cease to touch me deeply when nothing else seems to. I know nothing about you but the fact that you have had to have gone through some hellish times yourself to have the wisdom that you impart. Thanks!