</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong>

(MelodyLane, you will be happy to hear that I am recognizing that a "true" Plan A has had no effect on the current situation. However, I'm still not convinced I want to go to a totally N/C Plan B, or rather do what SSS did and still have some contact.)

LL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LL, why would you maintain SOME contact? I am curious how you think that will help him.
And what is the reason for staying

MelodyLane,

LL, why would you maintain SOME contact? I am curious how you think that will help him.

I don't see how it can hurt to still see him or talk to him, as long as I'm not allowing him to live at my place, stay at my place, have SF, buying or condoning his drinking, and making it clear that the criteria for his being able to move back into the house (should he ever desire that) are that he has to prove NC with the other woman and has to be in a plan of some kind for his drinking. SSS didn't break off all contact, and her WH is in recovery both from the A and the alcohol. Dr. Dobson doesn't require a total no-contact plan.

And what is the reason for staying

Staying where?

I do agree with Danneill, by the way, that there a lot of conflicting posts on here re: dealing with an alcoholic, so it is very difficult to decide exactly what plan is the best.

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> MelodyLane,

LL, why would you maintain SOME contact? I am curious how you think that will help him.

I don't see how it can hurt to still see him or talk to him, as long as I'm not allowing him to live at my place, stay at my place, have SF, buying or condoning his drinking, and making it clear that the criteria for his being able to move back into the house (should he ever desire that) are that he has to prove NC with the other woman and has to be in a plan of some kind for his drinking. SSS didn't break off all contact, and her WH is in recovery both from the A and the alcohol. Dr. Dobson doesn't require a total no-contact plan.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LL, I am still not clear how you think continued contact will help *HIM.* SSS's situation is entirely different from yours. And didn't he just spend the night there the other night? Is Dr Dobson an alcoholic?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I do agree with Danneill, by the way, that there a lot of conflicting posts on here re: dealing with an alcoholic, so it is very difficult to decide exactly what plan is the best.

LL </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So your treatment of him is the result of confusion from conflicting advice? Or is it becuase you don't want to go to Plan B?

It is sort of a combination of both. Just as I believe there are multiple plans that may or may not work, I also believe that while alcoholics all have a LOT in common, they all differ in some respects, too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> It is sort of a combination of both. Just as I believe there are multiple plans that may or may not work, I also believe that while alcoholics all have a LOT in common, they all differ in some respects, too. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chicken!

Your plan sure isn't worlking.... he's working you!

I "kicked" my WS out and told him no AA no marriage.

8 years later, he says I saved his life and we began a new marriage.

Pep

<small>[ February 20, 2004, 06:47 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Maybe/Maybe Not...

How come Dr. Dobson's book (which has also come highly recommended) doesn't go so far as to mandate complete no contact/total darkness?

(And we'd have to have some, because we have a unique arrangement now with our D's schooling where he will be doing the noon-Friday pickups on most Fridays. AND, I have to know if his $ is in his account (or why it isn't) when I do my weekly transfer.)

I'm not trying to be snippy. Just asking. (Think of me as a child who always has to know "why" and then analyze it to death.)

PS..pissy about everything now anyway, but not going to steal Danneill's thread. If curious, or have more advice (or 2x4's for me), see my latest posts to my thread about "disoriented by his fog"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The whole town probably knows he drinks too much anyway.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is very correct. Its a small town. The problem also is that all or most of his friends do the same.

He was raised in a family of drinkers. His father and sister are both practicing alcoholics. I have watched my mother in law put up with so much. Been in the family for 20 years so I have seen alot. His father is also verbally and emotionally very abusive. Its a pattern. Kinda glad I don't have sons.

I'm not sure what my plan will be. I just know I don't want to live like this any longer. Nothing over the years had made a difference. I've begged him to choose between alcohol and family. We all know that doesn't work. I've threatened to leave him ect.....My wrath does not matter to him. He probably just feels the fun he has is worth the expense of me being pissed off. That is a no win situation.


The advice from AA is to not enable. He does not miss work, he is self employed. I do not buy his beer. He has never been picked up for drunk driving. There are no consequences for him to deal with, so how can he hit bottom?

You cannot establish boundaries with a drunk. I recently asked him if he believes that a drunk mans mouth is a sober mans mind. He said yes, definatly.
If thats the case, I am crazy to still be here.
Danneill

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> Maybe/Maybe Not...

How come Dr. Dobson's book (which has also come highly recommended) doesn't go so far as to mandate complete no contact/total darkness?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You would have to ask him. Marriage Builders does recommend it in many circumstances.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(And we'd have to have some, because we have a unique arrangement now with our D's schooling where he will be doing the noon-Friday pickups on most Fridays. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's a normal part of Plan B that is handled easily.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Danneill:
<strong>


The advice from AA is to not enable. He does not miss work, he is self employed. I do not buy his beer. He has never been picked up for drunk driving. There are no consequences for him to deal with, so how can he hit bottom?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You may not be able to help him hit bottom. He may NEVER quit drinking. But you would get enormous help from Al-anon in learning how to detach from him and start living your own life IN SPITE OF HIM.