Dreamcatcher- I cannot wait until I am at the point that you are. It's not that I am pining away for OM, it's just that he's always there in my thoughts at the most inopportune times. I don't desire him and I don't crave him but it's really hard to describe what it is that he has over me exactly. I supppose it's a combination of guilt mixed with a bit of fog and that's why I feel the way that I do.
Someday I will be where you are and I can honestly say that I can't wait.

SG

Sounds like your Dad has a Quantom boot which allows you to take a Quantom leap dependent upon certain conditions. I just have this Far Side image of what this might have been like. Man talk about your Prozac moments...sorry but you had me laughing when you talked about you Dad and how he would express his opinion regarding OM. Oh by the way thanks for the suggestion on the spray, we have tried some before, but she still gets the tangles. Everyone says to cut it, but she loves it and all the attention she gets from her hair. My biggest worry is how will I handle the things that I just assumed her mother would be around to do. Buying a dress was easy when she was young, but things are changing and I will be learning right along beside her.
I am hesitant to post a reply SG. I understand what everyone is telling you and I agree that I think your H is wonderful, and your wonderful, and the focus is to maintain the marriage. I read everyones replies and your responses and I am left with an awarkerd feeling a feeling that we are all engulfed in the fog. I find no one to be at fault or to be blamed its just this gut feeling that we are trying to maybe force a square peg into a round hole and that your responces reflect of someone who is trying to convince there onself. If I say something enough times then I will eventually believe it or accept it. SG, I know your in the ocean and your fighting like hell to keep from drowning and hear I am instead of throwing you a life jacket alls I do is yell to you a desription of that ocean!!! I don't want to discourage your efforts, maybe recovery should not have to carry the burden of a time frame and that a positive success can have many different outcomes. I find it funny that we always associate love with multiple numeric of 2 or more, however it just takes one to give it birth and sustain its existance...SG, you probably know exactly what I have been trying to avoid saying. I will end with that for right now, and my apologies if you feel I am out of line.

Quantum- I guess to a degree you are right in terms of me trying to convince myself that my H is the love of my life and that is where I want to be. I couldn't look you in the eyes and tell you with 100% conviction that I'm not scared to death right now. I am and I hate it. For the past 2 years I have been involved in an A that let me escape my M and made me feel good. Now, that escape is gone and I'm left with the same M that I hate pre-A. I'm scared to death that I will never again experience the things that I experienced when I was with OM. But, I am also starting to understand that I will never experience those things with my H unless I actively make them happen. You have to work at Love and that's what I'm realizing. I'm still reeling from losing OM and it's very difficult for me each day. So, alot of what I say about how wonderful my H is (even though I know in my heart he is a wonderful person) is said to convince myself again and again and again in the hopes that it will pull me out of this fog once and for all.
I know that right now my H is the only one in the relationship that is capable of giving the kind of love that it needs. You're right when you say that love can be sustained by one. But, with each passing day and the more I realize what I do have in my life, the more it becomes clear to me that I really do love my H. Yes, I am trying to convince myself of that right now- just as I'm trying to convince myself that what I felt for OM was nothing more than a fantasy. But, you don't just get something without working for it and I guess that's what I'm trying to do- work for my M.
I've been gone from my M for 2 years Quantum. 2 Years is a LONG time to be emotionally absent from someone so it's going to take time and it's going to take work and it's going to take a little convincing to realize that I can be happy with my H.
There was a reason I fell in love with my H in the first place so I know it's possible. I guess what I'm trying to do is find my way back to that. It's a long, scary path but with a little persuasion and alot of work I'll find it.
I will repeat what I said before and that is that I don't think you should stop posting. I think you have valid points and I don't think what you're saying is cruel. You just fail to accept that ok it's been over now for a few weeks and now everything is good again. That's good that you don't accept that, because that's not reality. I'm not trying to claim that now that I've ended the A that I now have this sudden realization that I should have never strayed because my M is everything I wanted and more. I'm simply trying to go through the actions that will eventually show me this. Like I said, I am still in a fog but I'm slowly trying to come out.
I hope this makes sense and isn't a lot of rambling.
Anyways, take care and I'm not sure what else to suggest with the snarly's in your daughter's hair. Don't cut it though- I'm sure it's beautiful.
SG

SG,
I know this is hard for you, and all those feelings of pain, and sadness from ending the A are very real. This I do know and understand. I read so many different sites, forums, and all the BS talk about it being a fog or fantasy. As if it the emotions (love)should not be recognized. I guess I have a hard time with that, because I do believe for that time,moment, or period they are real. I need for it to be real, because it gives me hope that the love my W had for me was at least one time real. My reason for the last post was just to give you support and strenght to maybe explore the true depth of the relationship in your M. This forums sometimes just offer one solution, but for whatever reason yours needs to be looked at with several possible solution and I want you to know that is ok. SG when I was in high school I use to Pole Vault and my coach always used a term called "The Angle of Repo". It comes from Geometry and basically states " the point at which resistance no longer exits". Think of a stir straw that you bend using your thumb on one end, and the middle finger on the other. You bend the straw trying to match up the two ends. At some point the straw reachs the angle of repo. It now easily bends without any tension or resistance. Well this term I discoverd applies to me in so many aspects of my life. I am trying to get to the angle of repo letting go and being able to take my wedding ring off someday even knowing now what I know. SG, your also trying to find your angle of repo one is being able to no longer need to resist the feelings you have for OM and the other angle of repo is the emotional and intimate resistance you feel for H will someday cease to exist. I know everyone tells you and you say it to as to how proud you are of your H which you should be, but let me also say that he should be very proud of you. I think you both will be ok and just let father time be the healer. I know he is very slow, but the wounds are so very deep! Take care SG.

Quantum

Quantum,
Thank you again for your reply, I liked your analogy of the "angle of repo". I think you should change your login name to that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> (what do you think).
How long after your W died did you find her journal? Was she still involved in the A towards the end or had it already ended? Did you have any idea at all while she was alive that something like an A was going on?
I honestly cannot imagine what you are going through. Just know that your W loved you and she just happened to make a terrible mistake but she loved you.
Think of how things were between the two of you before she died, I know that she loved you with all her heart and she trusted you to raise your beautiful children in her absence.
I pray you find peace.

SG. I hope that today has been better for you!! I'm sorry that x-OM, and that is important, contacted you!! I know that you must feel like you're starting withdrawal all over again after that! That was totally selfish and manipulative on his part. If you'll read my thread to mrsx, you'll see that I have had a bad day!! But, I did want to tell you that something has happened to me over the last two weeks that I can't quite explain. There is this undeniable peace and calmness that I haven't felt in two years. I have been reading inspirational books and praying like I never have before. There is a scripture in Psalms that keeps going over and over in my head. Psalms 103-He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He ransoms me from death and surrounds me with love and tender mercies. The Lord is merciful and gracious, he is slow to get angry and full of unfailing love. I heard this scripture paraphased once as "He has redeemed my life from the pit"! I'm not trying to sound like "super Christian" here, please don't misunderstand, but I know where my help is going to come from. I have been to the bottom of the pit as I know a lot of others here have been too. There was a time that I had to stop on the way to work to get a drink, I would go at lunch and drink and then after work too. I was popping 8 to 10 Hydrocodone, which is a strong narcotic, a day just to numb me out. I've had thoughts of suicide to actually cross my mind. To be able to sit hear tonight and type this is a miracle in itself. What God is restoring to me is a miracle. I have a long road back, I know, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel at last!! I read your thread about how hard it is to get away from the memories. Listening to the radio, a movie, just any little thing can trigger that. I have tried to get away from everything that I can control to avoid those memories. I don't listen to the same radio station/cds that I did when I was seeing the OM. There maybe things that you can choose to avoid too that just makes you pine for him all over again. It is an absolute addiction. One great truth that I am trying so hard to live by, is that when I get up in the morning, I pray for God's help for that day!! This reminds me so much of an alcoholic. They live from day to day. You can't control tomorrow or worry about tomorrow but if God can get you through this day, then tomorrow will take care of itself. I hope that this helps in someway SG. I wanted to share this with you because I can so relate to what you're going through. This has helped me tremendously even having to see him every day at work!! Now, you know that is a miracle in itself!!!! I'm thinking about you!!

Lisa- Thank you for thinking of me and caring about how I'm doing. As I said before, it helps alot knowing that I am not going through this alone and knowing that there are people out there that I can talk to that know exactly what I'm going through. I am so glad that you are starting to find peace in your life and I'm glad that you're in a much better place now than where you were.
I'm trying to lay all my hurt and sadness before the Lord and I'm asking Him for help each time my mind wanders to thoughts of OM.
This week is so hard because I know that he has today through Friday off and I don't know why he does but I keep imagining that he's spending it with his W and I also know that Friday is their anniversary so I'm just sick wondering if they'll be together. I want so badly to drive by her house and see if his car is there or drive by his house and see if her car is there. But then I ask myself, what will I do if I do see his car at her place or vice versa. I mean, it won't change anything for me- it'll only hurt worse to see that. I keep praying for the day that I get to the point where I don't care what OM is up to or who he's with, etc. I think all in all I do fine until my minds wanders back to wondering if he's with her or not. That seems to be the one thought I have a really hard time controlling.
I am going to pull out my bible and read the psalm that you were talking about. Maybe I can find strength in it just as you have.
I hope that you can continue to find peace Lisa and I know that each day is a huge struggle for you since you have to see him. I really don't know how you can do it.
God's peace to you and thank you for thinking of me.....
SG

SG. I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and wondering how you are doing?

Hi Lisa-
Thank you for thinking of me, I'm doing better than I was. I feel a little more strength with each new day and I know that there are still bad days ahead of me.

How about you? How are you doing? Have things gotten any better at work for you?

SG

SG. Yesterday was not a real good day. I am trying so hard at work to resume some normalcy with OM. Yesterday was his birthday so I wished him a happy birthday. I don't know why I'm trying to strive for a friendship with him. Any conversation that takes place with us is from my prompting. I told mrsx last night that I guess that now that he has no use for me, there's no since in even acknowledging my presence. I would be a liar if I said that, when my works calls for it, standing next to him, the whole "scent" of him,still gets to me. But I can tell you, with no uncertainty, that I do not affect him whatsoever now. I can actually handle working with him now. The fog has lifted. It's still a day by day process. I'm also not stupid enough to deny the fact that he is my "thorn"! He absolutely has no feeling whatsoever. I know that I shouldn't care, but it does hurt. This whole incident with him had to end and I'm glad that it has but the fact that he obviously has gotten over this with no problem, without telling his wife, and will no lasting impact on him personally bothers me tremendously. Some may not agree with my thinking on that but I'm just being honest.