I understand what your trying to say. But how in the world would anything be solved if he moved out of her house and went on his own. At least when he is coming home here, I can have ample routes to check on him. I have his milage, his business books, his time that he leaves and comes home. If he goes on his own, I will NEVER be able to know if he is seeing her or not. I think it would be harder to see her if he was home. But he is not home yet. I'm still trying to build myself up just in case he doesn't come home. Today it is pouring rain outside, he has to take my grandkids to school, and he doesn't work in the rain, I want to see if he calls me to go out to breakfast, or if he goes over to where he is staying till 12 noon when he picks up my grandson.

I understand what your trying to say. But how in the world would anything be solved if he moved out of her house and went on his own. At least when he is coming home here, I can have ample routes to check on him. I have his milage, his business books, his time that he leaves and comes home. If he goes on his own, I will NEVER be able to know if he is seeing her or not. I think it would be harder to see her if he was home. But he is not home yet. I'm still trying to build myself up just in case he doesn't come home. Today it is pouring rain outside, he has to take my grandkids to school, and he doesn't work in the rain, I want to see if he calls me to go out to breakfast, or if he goes over to where he is staying till 12 noon when he picks up my grandson.

lefty,
Checking up on him might feel productive...but if he wants to continue his affair he will, and he will lie about it. You might catch him, you might not.

If he goes into his own house for awhile, he can no longer use you as a scapegoat for his decisions. Like he has said he left because you didn't trust him, because you asked questions. If he only has his own behavior to blame, he might realize WHY he has done the things he has and hopefully take responsibility for his choices.

If he comes home and you become a detective, or his jailor then he can blame you if he "has" to leave again. And, it still won't be your fault.

Certainly letting him move home directly from the OW's house to yours is a decision you can make. He could have the complete change of behavior in one day that he is assuring you he will. One can hope.

What I'm trying to tell you is that if he is living with her today...the affair is not ended, whatever he says is not trustworthy because he hasn't the honor to end it properly right now while telling you he's coming home. You have no idea what he's telling her, besides, you already know he lies to you, it's common for the OW to be lied to as well.

For example, my H never filed for a divorce. He told the OW he had and something like he spent so much time with me because I was being difficult, plus he wanted to see the kids.

Your H's "way" is disrespectful, dishonorable, and isn't likely to work out the way he is telling you it will.

So, I agree you need a plan if it doesn't work out the way he says. If you want his move home, then talk to him about the list of things I made in my first post to you. Find out what he willing to do to ease your worries. His telling you that you have no worries is not sufficient...actions speak louder than words.

When words and actions are in conflict, believe the actions.

If he doesn't come home, you may want to consider Dr. Harley's Plan B. There is still hope for your marriage, even if March 2 doesn't turn out the way he is saying it will.

At least when he is coming home here, I can have ample routes to check on him.
Okay, so you check on him, he lies about everything. Then what?

If he goes on his own, I will NEVER be able to know if he is seeing her or not.
Why would this make any difference? He is living with her now and it makes no difference. If he is on his own, you will not have to wonder if he is with her. Accept that he is with her. Just as you do now.

I think it would be harder to see her if he was home.
How would it be “harder”? He had no problem doing it last time.

I'm still trying to build myself up just in case he doesn't come home.
You NEED to build yourself up and NOT let him come home until you have a written agreement. If you simply have his “okay” that he will do things, then YOU know he tell you, “I don’t remember agreeing to that.”

I want to see if he calls me to go out to breakfast, or if he goes over to where he is staying till 12 noon
And if he doesn’t?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 05:59 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

I am getting nervous as each day goes on. He lied to me again this week. He called it not actually lying. Tell me what you think. I made a Drs. appt for him last week for Thursday. When I called to ask directions they said it was cancelled. When I asked him he said he cancelled it. Yet he was making ME pick up the 2 kids and keep them till he came home from the Drs. office which never was.......... He said he was going to tell me at supper after the appt. I told him lies like that will kill our recovery. Everything must be honest and no secrets. I was mad and told him if thats the way he intends our recovery to be it won't work and he might as well stay out until he can be honest with me. Don't you think he should have told me he cancelled that appt. instead of acting it out just so I wouldn't be mad that he cancelled it? I think he might be coming home tomorrow sometime. But you never know. He said he would call me tonight. Hasn't called yet. I am not secure in my feelings with anything he is saying to me. I have very bad vibes with even taking him back. But he has said he is ending it and I will NOT have to worry any more. He said he will write the NC letter and do whatever I say in regard to getting my security back. Well, he did call but there was such a bad connection all I really heard was I'll call you tomorrow. How is he going to handle fulfilling my needs throughout the day to feel secure with him? What can I do when I go to cards two nights a week. That is when he used to call her on my calling card and I would see minutes used. Would taking the phone for 3 hrs. being out of line????? I can't think of anything else to secure those 2 nights. How can he prove to me that he didn't make any calls???????? Any opinions????? Well, acutally I better wait until he comes home to pre-guess anything..........

I did not realize I wasn't answering questions that some people ask.
So now that you realize it, why don’t you consider what anyone suggests to you?
Why don’t you make some response to what others suggest?

Any opinions?????
Yes, many opinions. Why do you ask?

<small>[ February 28, 2004, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:00 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

He said today that he is coming home tomorrow. I guess he is taking advantage of that extra day for leap year. Isn't he lucky. I think all this waiting has gotten to me, its been too long. I don't feel the excitement I felt about him coming home like I felt 3 weeks ago. Now I feel very unsafe and unsecure about him. If he had come home earlier than the date he mentioned I would have felt different, but to go to the very end, worries me. He said this morning he is NOT having any problem leaving her. And that I agreed to him coming home before Mar. 2 and now he said I am trying to make him come home earlier. I forgot about leap yr. so I really expected him to come home today. He is taking me out to dinner tonight. Before he comes back tomorrow I am making a list of things that I feel I require for my security to return. A N/C letter is # 1 on the list, being honest, no phone calls, no seeing her, devoting so many hrs. to ME, not TV, at least 15 hrs. a week, going places together, getting away together once in awhile, this will be hard in the summer he is real busy, respect, if I call him I should get an answer in at least 20 minutes, all his books and jobs should be known to me, no seperate monies just kept for him. More conversation.......He hardly talks at all, we will have to think of something to bring in good conversation. Basically if he is totally honest it will cover it all.......... Can I send that N/C letter, signature required??????????? I will let you know if he comes back tomorrow. Oh, he said today that the O/W mentioned moving. I wonder where????? Maybe to another place in town where I don't know where it is......... That's no way to think, that's what I mean, it is going to take alot for me to retrust him again.......But I will try.........

I am very upset today. Today is the day he should be coming home. I left a message on his phone where to meet me so we can go together to my sons property to help him. He is golfing now, but wouldn't you think when he wakes up and goes out to his truck he would look if there are any messages from any of his family??????????? The message is still on his phone so he didn't get it, unless he got it and didn't delete it. He also told me he cancelled a golf 3 day golf tournament he goes in every yr. He said with all that has happened, he just didn't feel like going in it this yr. That worries me. He really enjoyed this one and we enjoyed the dinner together after it. So he is not himself. Just answer me one thing. I am going to be a basket case if he doesn't come home today. Is there any suggestions anyone has to get me through this day???????? What will I do??????????????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lefty:
<strong> Is there any suggestions anyone has to get me through this day???????? What will I do?????????????? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, I have a few suggestions.....

Maybe you'll start by reading all the Concepts about MB, and start applying them to your life and your M.

Lefty, if you don't get ahold of yourself, and your LB's, there's no point in waiting for him to come home. He won't stay long.

Lefty,
I don't know what you mean about going to your son's property, but just go do it.

Do not wait by the phone, do not wait for your H to walk in the door. Get out of the house.

In fact, if at all possible, after that, go somewhere else on a day trip. Shop, see a movie, go for a hike, try out a gym, go for a long drive...whatever your area offers.

He said you didn't have to worry, right, so don't. If he comes home, he does. If not, he wasn't going to. You can't control it. You have opened the door for him to come home and all the waiting and worrying in the world will not influence his actions today.

He is disrespectful today, and it is unlikely that tomorrow he will wake up and consider your feelings. But, if that happens, great. If not, you have a life to live.

Well, he came home yesterday around 5:20. He gave me his stash money also to do with what I want. He said he will just take so much to keep in his pocket. We didn't walk much last night. He worked all day with my son and was exhausted. I was just glad to see him come home. Now I don't want to mess up anything to send him out again. I have to get the cell phone programmed for another # because she knows the # now. Is there any other suggestions for bounderies that anyone can suggest in my case when he is on the road from customer to customer to make me feel secure?????????????? It is very hard in that case to know at all moments where he is. I want not to LB, but as everyone says, I have to give him boundaries during the day. Oh, he said the OW is selling her house and moving out of State. That sounded a little too convenient to me. Maybe I guess because one time he told me he got a note from her husband not to do the lawn, and he actually showed me the note, and then I found out that the husband was dead since 2000. So, right now, everything seems to be falling into place too easy and in my favor. So time will tell on that one. Any more suggestions would be appreciated, even from some of you who feel I am not listening and doing everything right. I AM listening but sometimes each individual case is different. But I'm glad he's home, but I want him to stay so I don't want to make waves....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:00 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

Well, he came home yesterday around 5:20. He gave me his stash money also to do with what I want. He said he will just take so much to keep in his pocket. We didn't walk much last night. He worked all day with my son and was exhausted. I was just glad to see him come home. Now I don't want to mess up anything to send him out again. I have to get the cell phone programmed for another # because she knows the # now. Is there any other suggestions for bounderies that anyone can suggest in my case when he is on the road from customer to customer to make me feel secure?????????????? It is very hard in that case to know at all moments where he is. I want not to LB, but as everyone says, I have to give him boundaries during the day. Oh, he said the OW is selling her house and moving out of State. That sounded a little too convenient to me. Maybe I guess because one time he told me he got a note from her husband not to do the lawn, and he actually showed me the note, and then I found out that the husband was dead since 2000. So, right now, everything seems to be falling into place too easy and in my favor. So time will tell on that one. Any more suggestions would be appreciated, even from some of you who feel I am not listening and doing everything right. I AM listening but sometimes each individual case is different. But I'm glad he's home, but I want him to stay so I don't want to make waves....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:01 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

What do you mean leave his cell phone??????????? Leave the same # on it, don't get the # changes?????????? Isn't that a little risky?????????? I asked him if he wanted it this morning, he said no........ So maybe he doesn't trust himself with it at this point if she calls.............He said he told her not to contact him or follow him. But who knows..........But I did intend to change the # as a precaution. He does understand why I'm doing that................ So why do you say leave it as is..........???????

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:01 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

You told me a bunch of things what not to do, but YOU didn't answer MY question about the phone!!!!!!!!

I think your H answered the problem with the phone, he left it with you. And if you have a question about the phone, ask your H. POJA!!