<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:07 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

Hi - Another day. He's still coughing so bad and aches he says " don't squeeze me , " when I hug him. What a time he came home to me. Had 2 good months with her and comes home here as sick as a dog. She said he insisted on sleeping with her when she wanted to go in another room when she was sick. So you can imagine my thoughts when he's coughing himself to death. He asked for it, he got it, and unfortunately, I got him back at the wrong time to try and reconcile. I can't even get close to him to feel loved either. I think that's what bothers me. Feeling loved by him at this point. Maybe when he is well he will show more affection for me. I still worry about when she comes home if he will try and contact her. But the other night I said to him " Boy, she gave you everything to please and keep him with her, Oral sex, massages, good conversation." And he said " and I still came back to you." That sort of made me feel better. But you know what. He did say all was not peaches with her either. She must like to go places too and he is a home body. Quite boring, actually. Plus she likes to go OUT to eat, and he hates that during the week after a hard days work. He wants to comevhome to a home cooked meal and relax, not jump in the car and go out. I think that helped my cause. " The way to a mans heart is through his stomach." I definitely believe in that quote. The first time he came back he said he missed my cooking the most. Not what I wanted to hear at the time, but I truly believe that's what he is missing with her. Well, I hope it keeps him here. But I am finding it very hard NOT to bring HER up in our conversation. I really think I've heard the worst of it at this point, so today I'm going to try my best to not bring her up. I also gave him a massage. He says he doesn't compare me with her on things, I find that hard to believe because it seems like what she did with him, she did very well....... But what you said about your husband not even thinking or feeling guilty when doing things with the O/W, my husband said the same thing. And yet not to have any love for someone while doing it. It simply amazes me how they can do that. He still insists that he DID NOT call her that morning when the phone was on the morning newspaper. That is hard to swallow, but I guess I will jave to let it pass, lie or not a lie. Did you find your husband still lying when he came back to you??????? What did you do??????? Confront him or ignore it???????????? Is there any suggestions that you have to forgetting the O/W.......... I just CAN'T get HER out of MY mind............That is my big problem. And I know if I DON'T, I will lose him again..............- Your last post really hit on alot of things I am facing with him....Made me see similarities that I am facing. Thanks again for helping me and seeing me through this.....

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:06 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

Its really odd. I was reading some of my messages and noted on Mar 2, I had that uncomfortable feeling about him and him not answering his phone. That was the day he left her that " I miss you card." I swear, I can read this man like a book. And that scares me, because I still don't trust him. Plus I asked him to write that n/c letter, but after him leaving that card, I feel it would be stupid for that to be given to HER since HE is the one thats making the first moves, not her. She is away now, so all is calm for awhile, but who knows what will be when she returns. I will see if she calls me again regarding who called me that one day I got the call saying he was leaving notes for her. Right now she knows we both have been lied to by him, so maybe she thinks I will give him up after all I heard from her that day about how he lied to her and me. I will just tell her we are getting it back together to just leave us alone....

Plus I asked him to write that n/c letter, but after him leaving that card, I feel it would be stupid for that to be given to HER since HE is the one thats making the first moves, not her.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I will just tell her we are getting it back together to just leave us alone....
As you said above, HE makes the first moves, so why are you saying anything to her?

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:07 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

He has said after leaving that note that he is done with her. He said he did call her that Tuesday when he left the note and she said not to call her anymore. I'm note sure of that either. I really don't think after hearing the fun she was having with my husband, Oral or not, anyone does something that often is a little oversexed to me. I find it hard to believe a 68 yr old woman would even do that to a man while he is driving the car after going out to dinner.........I really think even though my husband liked what she was doing, he would not want to live with someone who even does that. He said he wouldn't want me to do that to him........ If she doesn't find another play toy to play with , you can bet she will be back for my husband since he enjoyed it so well. It's just I'm wondering if he will be strong enough of a man to say NO MORE............. Personally, I'm not sure. But I have time on my side I told him, and if he sees her or even talks to her again, he can go with her for the rest of his life, because I won't deal with this anymore. I think I am getting stronger that if something does occur I can go on my own. I know I deserve better. Its just that he knows ME like a book, and he knows how caring and forgiving I can be, but at this point he is taking advantage of me. So time will tell. Chris and Blondblossom, you seem to be disappointed yet in my writings......... If she does contact me when she comes back from her home town, what shall I say to her to get her from even going along with my husbands advances to her, not that she would, but she also has to be hurt from all the lies he has told her, and now he is back with me.........This is the second time he left her too..............Maybe she will just leave him alone and go on her merry way.........She still comes up in the conversation yet, by me, is that Love Busting???????????? Is it ok to still ask and tell him when I am bothered by something and discuss it at this point???????????????? I find it hard just acting as if we can go on our merry way without discussing the situation............But am I right in doing so??????????

He has said after leaving that note that he is done with her. He said he did call her that Tuesday when he left the note and she said not to call her anymore.
This proves that he is not done with her. He left a note to be done with her & then called her.

He needs to write a No Contact letter, regardless of what you or your husband thinks about it.

Oral or not, anyone does something that often is a little oversexed to me.
Maybe to YOU it is over-sexed. It doesn’t mean that to everyone. If you were familiar with MB principles and His Needs, Her Needs, then you would know that what one persons needs are, are not necessarily the others needs are.

I really think even though my husband liked what she was doing, he would not want to live with someone who even does that.
Lefty, wake up. He DID live with someone who did that!

It's just I'm wondering if he will be strong enough of a man to say NO MORE
Why should he say no more?

Chris and Blondblossom, you seem to be disappointed yet in my writings
Simply because you pay absolutely no attention to anything written to you.

If she does contact me when she comes back from her home town,
She won’t contact you; she WILL contact your husband.

what shall I say to her
Nothing. Hang up with NO response at all.

to get her from even going along with my husbands advances to her,
Why do you think you could say anything to make her stop seeing your h when he wants to see her and he contacts her?

I find it hard just acting as if we can go on our merry way without discussing the situation
Where did you read that this is what you should do?

<small>[ March 18, 2004, 05:51 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I am making love deposits and trying to do my best with all of this. We will be going to visit relatives, a little get away for us, for 5 days. I'm looking forward to that. But I worry about about when we come back, she will probably be back too and how I will handle it and especially how he will handle it. It's so hard when he is his own business, I can't know where he is all the time. He keeps saying this time it is different and he is not going back to her. But after seeing the card he left and then him calling her, especially on his birthday. He said she said " Not to call her anymore." If that is true, that would be great. Maybe she felt she is wasting her time with him too. When I saw her that same Saturday after someone called my house saying he better lay off with the notes, she did say she didn't want him back. And there was some man there with her, he came in while we were talking and he said how upset she was for husband how my husband just left her and all. And then when they found out he came back to me and he didn't go to my daughter's, they realized that he was lying to her too, not only me. Is there anything that is a must for me to do or my husband to do to try and get my trust back??????

Lefty,

Please answer this serious question.

Why are you posting here on Marriage Builders and what would you like anyone here to do for you?

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I post because it gives me someone to talk to when I need it. And I do listen to what is being said. Each day brings something different it seems. He did not like the fact that I told him I wanted all monies accounted for. I knew someone gave him a check and he did not put it with the rest of that days monies. He said that work was done before he came back. To me , he should have still given that into the pot. He pointed out that he puts my gas sometimes in the car, he pays for our Sat. breakfast or if we eat out on Sat. night, that all costs money. And he is right, but I told him from now on I would like to just give him like petty cash at the beginning of the week to work from, and have ALL of his monies coming in accounted for until my trust in him comes back. He said if we are going to start arguing about money, we won't make it. I told him that is an unfair statement. We NEVER argued about money for 35 yrs., but I am not living that secure life like I was for all them yrs., so things have to be set up differently so that we can both come to a happy medium of agreement. But he is trying to act like I should just let everything as it was......Am I being unfair to him????????????? He always makes me feel as if I'm doing wrong, I guess that is why I come here to write, because he has me so insecure about everything at this point, I always seem to want assurance from someone that I am not making wrong decisions...... I don't want to have him feel pressured, but I have to have some kind of guide lines to make me able to win back his trust...And he does raise his voice when something is not going to his liking, I told him he has to learn to keep his tone down, because I DO NOT need to be treated with curtness at this point. We have to solve things in a civil manner.......Does it sound like I am on the right track, and is he still trying to control ME even after HE did the wrong????????????

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:06 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

Thank you for this response. After reading it it does sound right. To me, doing this meant I was setting some bounderies for him to follow in order for me to gain trust. I guess its how it is taken. I really didn't think of it as a control issue, but after reading your post, it sure sounds like it to me. Thanks I'm going to go your route and hope I don't find any other checks cashed without me knowing it.........PS He says he doesn't have any other stashes but the ones he gave me when he came home, but I did find one. Perhaps he doesn't even know its there........Nothing has been added to it though........Thanks again

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 06:06 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>