Realize that I've written drafts 1, 2, and 3 and never delivered, and then wrote draft 4 last night and revised to 4.5 today, I'm having a hard time with this.

Please review my latest draft (which I'll post as my next post) and let me know your thoughts. Does it get my point across without LBing all over the place?

I know it's long and I've been told that WS's have the attention span of a gnat, but H is used to long letters from me, and this one is actually short by comparison, so it should be an easy read for him.

Since I’ve done such a poor job trying to communicate verbally with you in a way to help you understand , I’m going to try on paper this time….

Let’s start with this quote: “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back to you, it was never yours to begin with.”

The hardest thing I’ve gone through, I truly believe in my life up to this point, is what I’ve been experiencing for the last few months. Being rejected by the love of my life for someone else is devastating. And then watching that person go back to drinking heavily after doing such a wonderful job being sober for 2 years just compounds the pain.

I thought I was doing the right thing when you said give you time to get your head on straight. But now, 4 months later, things are still the same, and I realize that by not setting rules early on, I have not made things better. I’ve only prolonged both your pain and mine, as well as allowing my self-respect to go down the tubes. I have no more guarantees now that you won’t decide to walk out than I did four months ago. Allowing you to bounce back and forth, I believe now has actually been the worst thing I could have done for both of us, even though I thought I was doing it out of love.

Thus, what I’m doing now is “setting you free”. This does not mean I’m filing for divorce. What it means is that I’m stepping out of your life for a while, to give you the space you need to truly decide what it is you want, and in the process, to distance myself from the pain until that decision is made.

Here is another analogy I read somewhere that I think makes a lot of sense (paraphrased in my words): “The doctor tells you that your loved one has a serious heart problem. If surgery is done, there is a 3% chance they may not survive. However, if it’s let go, there is a very good chance they will die from the condition. You have to make the choice.”

You have a very serious condition (the affair, compounded by alcohol dependence—and they feed off each other.) If surgery is done (if I cut myself out of your life for a period of time), there is a chance our marriage may not survive. You may decide you are much happier on your own. However, if I let things go the way they are, it is almost a guarantee that our marriage is going to die, maybe rapidly, maybe slowly, but it’s very ill.

Because of the depth of my love for you, I want more than anything for you to get well. I am willing to take a chance of losing you through “surgery”, if that gives our marriage better odds of healing and surviving through the years.

Okay, putting this all into real terms….

I love you…period. That has not changed. If it had, I’d have walked out permanently by now. Having an affair played out blatantly before my eyes by the one I love and trusted has to be the most painful thing on earth to endure next to separation by death.

I pray daily for the survival of our marriage, and for your healing—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I know you are in pain, and I truly believe that how I’ve dealt with all of this, while it was meant to ease the pain, has had the opposite effect.

It’s time someone makes a move, before all hope is lost. That move needs to be for us to stop contact (calls—except to discuss kids or financial issues, visiting, etc.) until you have reached your decisions.

Think of it as the ultimate giving you your space you wanted. Also, not having me around for a period of time will also help you see if what you want is to live permanently without me in your life.

I realize this move is risky. But if it will save you from your own destruction, and hopefully save our marriage as well, it is well worth it in the end!

During this time, I’d ask that you to seriously give AA another chance—visit a meeting or two in a couple different places, and genuinely listen to what others have to say. It only requires a few hours of your time—no huge commitment—and I doubt they’re all “touchy-feely” like the one you attended years ago was. I’m going to pursue Al-Anon as well.

The moment you are absolutely certain you are done on the east side and can guarantee no further contact, and you are pursuing help to get sober, if you still love me and are still interested in coming back home, PLEASE call me and let’s talk.

What? 18 of you logged in right now and NOBODY has opinions on my letter? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

lordslady,

Don't confuse it with analogies. Make it clear and concise.

Im gonna look for some samples....

Stay online...

committed

Gee lordslady, give me a chance. I'm making some stew right now. But it is long, let's see if we can put our heads together here and shorten it up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The hardest thing I’ve gone through, I truly believe in my life up to this point, is what I’ve been experiencing for the last few months. Being rejected by the love of my life for someone else is devastating. And then watching that person go back to drinking heavily after doing such a wonderful job being sober for 2 years just compounds the pain.

I thought I was doing the right thing when you said give you time to get your head on straight. But now, 4 months later, things are still the same, and I realize that by not setting BOUNDARIES early on, I have not made things better. I’ve only prolonged both your pain and mine, as well as allowing my self-respect to go down the tubes. I have no more guarantees now that you won’t decide to walk out than I did four months ago. Allowing you to bounce back and forth, I believe now has actually been the worst thing I could have done for both of us, even though I thought I was doing it out of love.

Thus, what I’m doing now is “setting you free”. This does not mean I’m filing for divorce. What it means is that I’m stepping out of your life (for a while,) take that phrase out to give you the space you need to truly decide what it is you want, and in the process, to distance myself from the pain until that decision is made.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Make sure that you tell him that you will not be waiting forever though.

Maybe some "seasoned" Plan B ers will chime in.

committed

<small>[ February 21, 2004, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

Actually, you get a break. I have to go run a couple errands (so Believer, go finish that stew--send me some?? Sounds good. Coooold up here.)

My main concern: the letter must end up sounding like it came from me. He knows my style.

I was sort of proud of the two analogies. (Can I leave 'em...please? If I shorten the rest?)

Then if I get this done and am happy, I need LOTS of prayers for the courage and strength to deliver and stick to it.

He called about noon today..I think to see if I wanted to go play cards, but I can't because I'm working, so it was a good excuse. He went by himself. However, he (being poor at lying) made the mistake of mentioning seeing someone at the gas station this morning and having to help her start her car.

No worry about the someone--she's dating a coworker and is the ex-roommate of OW, but the mistake was telling me who he saw, because I know where she lives and I know the gas station he was at, and it's VERY near the place the OW is currently living and nowhere near his apt. He may have said he spent the night alone, but I believe he didn't think that statement through very well.

So right now I am rather disgusted with him (not that he's actually promised N/C or anything, but just because he tries to make people think he's backed off) and if things stay this way, this is a better time to do the letter.

Seems each time I've been ready before, he's done something that totally screwed up my brain and then I wimped out.

Here is an example from last year that Chris replied to. He is an expert. Post a request for him to help you.

I&#8217;m still in shock that <mutual friend> is gone <passed away unexpectedly yesterday>. It makes me think that life is too short to waste time or to take people and things for granted.
I know you are setting up the tone of the letter but make the letter strictly about Plan B.
I truly don&#8217;t know if we could ever recover and rebuild our marriage. When I think about getting back together I get a sick feeling, wondering how I could ever trust you or believe what you tell me. It scares me to death right now!
You are not setting a very appealing picture for reconciliation (or even the thought of it.)

I love you so much and it hurts to think that the person I believed to be God&#8217;s gift could be responsible for so much destruction and total disregard.
Just say you love him & you hurt over what has occurred. No need to rub it in. This will make him feel as if he is "in for it" if he would decide to return.

I know you don&#8217;t want us to be in no contact mode.
Don't tell him what he knows, even if you know it to be true.

When we are in contact it sets me back in my personal healing and recovery. I start back with my &#8220;stinkin thinkin&#8221; and I become extremely miserable.
Think this would want him to return to you/marriage?

So back to my plan &#8211; I am spending my time healing myself and focusing on the boys. I would like to sit with you at <mutual friend&#8217;s> funeral if you&#8217;re there, but need no contact for normal day to day routines.
Put it more plainly. We will not be in contact until you are willing to end your affair.

The length of no contact will depend on you. When and if you are ready to hear what I would require to reconcile you may contact me and I will give you my thoughts and requirements. Then I&#8217;ll give you time to consider what I would be asking and we could discuss it and work accordingly.
How very kind of you your Worship to grant him an audience!
Change to something like, "When you are ready to end your affair, we can talk and decide what needs to be done.

Until that time I am moving on with my life without you!
You are not moving on without him. You are focusing more on you. Change to something like, "I will focus on what changes I am making in my life so I am a better person and have more understanding of what it takes to make a relationship successful.

If I don&#8217;t hear from you within 1 year I will file for divorce.
Don't give a time frame. Keep it intentionally vague. What if he waits for 364 days? What if you change your mind and don't want to wait 1 year?

You, the boys <he has his 2 boys from a previous marriage> and extended family continue in my prayers. Have a terrific summer and please be safe!
Good.

This letter should be written so it cannot be misread as to it's intent. Also, it should not be blaming, spiteful nor finger pointing. It should be a love letter of sorts.

The tone of this letter is very demanding and hurtful and disrespectful. You want him to feel as if he has a "buy-in" to the plan instead of you "dictating" exactly what he will do.

[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]


--------------------
Prayers & God Bless!
Chris

lordslady.

IMHO....by the time he reads the analogies he is not going to pay attention to the rest of the letter. You really need to make it clear and to the point. Do not wax poetic with him...do not tug on his emotions. It will do no good at this point.

Say what you mean...and mean what you say.

committed

Okay, I told you you could take a break and then you all went firing stuff back, and I haven't even run my errands yet (you just can't please me, can you?)

I read the comments so far. I'm sure this is still too long (and there is still one analogy), but it's short enough that it now fits on one page in Word in a more-readable 12 point font.

Oh yeah, and another question: Provided I find the courage to do this, how do I give it to him? He doesn't have email.

NOW I'm really going to go run the errands. Be back in a few hours.
-------------------------------------------------
The hardest thing I’ve gone through in my life up to this point is what I’ve been experiencing for the last few months. Being rejected by the love of my life for someone else is devastating and I doubt anything other than physical separation by death is more painful. And then watching that person go back to drinking heavily after doing such a wonderful job being sober for 2 years just compounds the pain.

I thought I was doing the right thing when you said give you time to get your head on straight. But now, 4 months later, things are still the same, and I realize that by not setting rules early on, I have not made things better. I’ve only prolonged both your pain and mine, as well as allowing my self-respect to go down the tubes. I have no more guarantees now that you won’t decide to walk out than I did four months ago. Allowing you to bounce back and forth, I see now, has actually been the worst thing I could have done for both of us, even though I thought I was doing it out of love.

Thus, what I’m doing now is setting you free. This does not mean I’m filing for divorce. What it means is that I’m stepping out of your life, to give you the space you need to truly decide what it is you want, and in the process, to distance myself from the pain until that decision is made. I will focus on what changes I am making in my life so that I am a better person and have more understanding of what it takes to make a relationship successful.

Here is analogy I read that I think makes a lot of sense: “The doctor tells you that your loved one has a serious heart problem. If surgery is done, there is a 3% chance they may not survive. However, if it’s let go, there is a very good chance they will die from the condition. You have to make the choice.”

You have a very serious condition (the affair, compounded by alcohol dependence—and they feed off each other.) Because of the depth of my love for you, I want more than anything for you to get well. I am willing to take a chance of losing you through “surgery”, if it gives our marriage better odds of healing and surviving through the years. I pray daily for the survival of our marriage, and for your healing—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

That surgery needs to be for us to stop contact (calls, visits, etc., except to discuss kids or financial issues) until you have reached your decisions. You will have the space you want and need. Also, not having me around will help you see if what you want is to live permanently without me in your life.

I realize what I’m asking involves risk. But if it will save you from your own destruction, and hopefully save our marriage as well, it is worth it in the end!

During this time, I’d ask that you to seriously give AA another chance—visit a meeting or two in a couple different places and genuinely listen to what others have to say. It only requires a few hours of your time—no huge commitment—and I doubt they’re all “touchy-feely” like the one you attended years ago was. I’m going to pursue Al-Anon as well.

The moment you are absolutely certain you are done on the east side and can guarantee no further contact, and you are pursuing help to get sober, if you still love me and are still interested in coming back home, PLEASE call me and let’s talk.

ok, cut out all that sappy stuff and cut to the chase. He does not relate to analogies or abstract expressions of love. He doesn't even FEEL love.

Dear John,

The hardest thing I’ve gone through in my life is what I’ve been experiencing for the last few months. Watching your affair and your descent back into active alcoholism has been devastating to me and to the kids. It has torn this family apart. Watching your affair played out before my eyes has to be the most painful thing on earth to endure next to separation by death. It has caused me great pain to watch our children lose all respect for you.

Your behavior seriously impairs the feelings that I have left for you and it is because of this that I must cut off contact for now.
Please know that I am not cutting off contact to punish you, but rather to protect any remaining love that I have for you in the hopes that you someday decide to end your affair and stop drinking. It is necessary to protect myself and the kids from your destructive and wreckless behavior.

I would be willing to discuss reconciliation once you have completely ended all contact with the OW and have stopped drinking through the AA program.

Until that happens, I would request that you not contact me except in an emergency and not come to the house. The locks have been changed on the house. You can contact the kids and arrange for visits with them away from the house. I will not allow them to be in contact with your girlfriend, however.

For now, I have taken your name off our bank account, so you will need to open up you own account. [enter other financial housekeeping issues here - just make sure that there is no reason to contact each other over finances - get them separated!]

Just know that I believe that our marriage could be wonderful under the right circumstances. I love you very much and want so much for that to happen some day. But until the OW is gone and you enter a alcoholism program, I know it is destructive to our marriage and to our children.

With all my love,

LordsLady

ok, be prepared for him to come to you with "offers" to quit drinking and seeing the OW. It is all BS designed to worm his way back. An alcoholic will SAY ANYTHING to get their way. They make promise after promise after promise and it is all TALK. We know you normals will almost always fall for it long enough to get off our backs so we can go back to drinking when things calm down.

So, when he calls you trying to get back in, I would first ask him if he has ended it with the OW and if he has joined AA and stopped drinking. If yes, tell him to call you after he has attended 30 meetings. [I don't give a DAMN if they were "touchy feely" there - better to be touchy feely than drunk]

It is imperative that you see a DEMONSTRATION of action on his part. This is especially important when dealing with an alcoholic.

Another thing you need to know. Since you are going through all this, you might as well do it right so that you aren't back here again in 2 more years. Your H was NOT SOBER that 2 years he didn't drink. He was a DRY DRUNK. He was still very sick.

He never addressed or fixed the problme that led to him drinking in the first place. That is why he is drunk again. And he will continue to get drunk the rest of his life unless he goes to AA and addresses the living problem that has led to his drinking.

Just stopping drinking DOES NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM! So don't settle for that. It is a waste of your time. While you have the power in your hands, make your best attempt to force him into RECOVERY, rather than just SOBRIETY.

ok, cut out all that sappy stuff and cut to the chase. He does not relate to analogies or abstract expressions of love. He doesn't even FEEL love.

MEL...
I LOVE YOU MAN!!!!!!!!!!!

ARK

LORDSLADY..
PLAN B LETTERS..
SHORT
CONCISE.
KIND
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS LEADING UP TO THE AFFAIR...

I know that sounds like no fun..
but you want his attention focused
you want to be taken seriously
you want to leave nothing in it that leads to power struggling over you writing this or that...cause that will drag you out of plan B..
and knowing you if you leave the flowery stuff..you want feedback...

it will make your words have no meaning...
it will say my boundaires do not need to be respected.

short
concise

ARK

Dear Melodylane,

Will the letter you helped lordslady with be the same content if there is no A at this time and possibly was not previously?

If one were to remove sentences pertaining to an A and just leave it to the alcoholic, would this still be ok?

I want to (am forced to) thump my H on the head really hard also. I have tried all other approaches and see no other way except a plan B.

Lordslady, I am so much in your boat. In one of the other posts someone advised you to pursue your own interests. This is a great idea. He needs to see that you are capable. That is what I have done for the past 15 years. But stick to it no matter what.

I did exactly that. I learned to entertain myself and kids without him. He did what he wanted. It was easier than complaining or being clingy. He was never home.
I started and ran my own business (which was also my favorite hobby) and tried to ignore the drinking. Be careful in the future with that though if you do get back together. My H has never quit drinking. Now he is on a power trip. He basically harrassed me into get rid of my own business and interests. Now I am nobody.

You are from the north also?
Danneill

Sorry to hone in here. I have a question also. What if you plan B and your WH really doesn't care if you do or not? I know that Plan B is risky and it is about stopping the pain so you can stop loving that person if they don't come back. But it is really scary to think that if I plan B he will just forget about me. All he cares about is OW and his son. He doesn't even look me in the eye when he comes. I just don't understand what I am supposed to do. Should I plan B? Plan A just isn't working mostly because he doesn't live here anymore and he spends all his time at work or with OW. He only comes on Wed. and every other Sat. to get S. I am so confused here with the plans.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Danneill:
<strong> Dear Melodylane,

Will the letter you helped lordslady with be the same content if there is no A at this time and possibly was not previously?

If one were to remove sentences pertaining to an A and just leave it to the alcoholic, would this still be ok?

I want to (am forced to) thump my H on the head really hard also. I have tried all other approaches and see no other way except a plan B.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Daneill, but how can you do Plan B if you say you can't separate? Personally, if I were you, I would go to Al-anon meetings and learn how to detach from him.

Hopeless, I started up a new thread with your question in the General Questions II forum. Please my post there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Boy, you guys really went to town on here while I was out running errands...

HoplessinNY,

But it is really scary to think that if I plan B he will just forget about me.

My fear, too. That's why I know if I do this, I'm going to have an uphill battle maintaining N/C.

ML,

The locks have been changed on the house.

I don't think I can technically do that without a formal, legal separation. And he still has a LOT of stuff of his here, especially in the garage.

About contact with the girlfriend, the kids would probably kill her on sight. He would never mix them together. He's already said that.

just make sure that there is no reason to contact each other over finances - get them separated!]

He has his own checking account--made him get it right after Christmas. The thing is, I do transfers of the weekly child support $ from his account to our (my) account because it's the easiest and most sure way to get them. He gets paid weekly. I wait until I see his check deposited, and I zap the $. I just might have a finances issue if the check didn't go in.

ok, be prepared for him to come to you with "offers" to quit drinking and seeing the OW.

I'm actually far more afraid his response will be F-you.

[I don't give a DAMN if they were "touchy feely" there - better to be touchy feely than drunk]

You'd have to know him. He's EXTREMELY sensitive about guys saying "we love you, John" or trying to give hugs--especially when he doesn't know them. He has a very wide "personal space". I think he probably went out that night and drank to drown the "we love you's".

Ark,

Bet you'd never guess back in English classes I got 'dinged' a lot for being too verbose.

It's going to have to have a little of my "personal touch" or he'll never believe I wrote it (or he'll know I had a lot of help). I'll try to compromise.

Danneill,

You are from the north also?

Iowa. Brrrr. Where are you from?


Okay, all... I'll try yet another version and maybe post it, too. I will promise it will still be too wordy, and may still be too sappy, but like I said "personal touch". I'll try to do better, though.

One thing besides finances that is going to be difficult to not contact about is my daughter's schooling. She is now attending an alternative HS (yeah for her...been in school a whole week now!). Mon-Thurs we're fine, but Fridays are a special arragement - 10am-noon. I do the drop off and he's agreed to do the pick-up. However, it's not guaranteed she'll have school each Friday. They can get "free days" about once a month if they earn all their points. I won't know until probably the day before. How do we work that?

And then my other question--how do I get this letter to him?

(My bigger questions, like "help me! how do I stick to this?? What if he doesn't come back?? I'm sure you'll see soon.)

LL

Sweetie - He will come back.

Believer, where is my stew? I'm hungry!