Well, I am now out of town for the next three days and I am waiting for the other "shoe" to drop (again). I am on the west coast and she is on the east coast - how wonderful for her. She now has 3 days of "freedom" and doesn't have to feel like she is under a microscope. I am still wearing my wedding ring, but she ditched hers many months ago. It is really hard to keep wearing the ring, knowing my wife doesn't want to ackowledge our marriage - or be part of it. I want to start writing my feelings in a journal, and don't want to have to hide it. I don't want my wife to find it, read it, and have my thoughts become a LB. Having to hide a journal, "snoop" to get intel on what she is doing - all of this seems to fly in the face of honesty. I have always thought of my wife as a deep thinking person - how can she be so deep, yet so shallow when it comes to her 13 year marriage. She continues to tell me that the way my mother has mistreated her is one of the main reasons she wants a divorce. She says she wants in-laws that love and respect her, and cannot get that being married to me. I've already asked her "If my mother died tomorrow - would that fix our marriage?" I say no, not after what she is telling me about feeling trapped and needing freedom. It might eliminate hurt coming from the relationship with my parents, but it does not fix her pushing me away and saying things like "I want passion & romance" and "I don't feel any passion, or feel romantic towards you". It certainly does not explain why she would tell me she will leave if I question the guy I suspect she is having an affair with about the nature of their relationship. It does not explain the note she wrote about being "passionately involved" with a married man. It does not explain why my wife refuses to have sex with me - I was deployed almost a year - believe me, I am ready for a passionate,romantic sex! It does not explain why she would even ask me why I don't seek out another woman. I am really fighting resentment. Just the other day she makes it clear that her cell phone bill is HER cell phone bill. My bills are still OUR bills. How do I handle my building resentment - I have read SAA and HNHN and think I am doing a good job, but I am having trouble with the feelings of resentment, anger and her constant lying/protection of her relationship with the OM. RATS- this sucks!

Well, I just got back last night from my business trip and the first thing she said to me was she wants a divorce, she is angry, wants me to move out, thinks I am having her follwed, etc. Blah, blah, blah. Same old thing. I am seeing the marriage counslor today, but she will not go. Then this morning (she slept on the couch last night) she said that sometimes, when she is with a certain group of friend from church, she thinks the "tumoil" between the two of us is getting better and she thinks to herself that things are not that bad and can get better. In less than 12 hours we went from "I want a divorce and you to move out" to "maybe things can get better". I will only be home for 2 more weeks before I have to leave again. I'm sure I will get the same "welcome home" when I return from that trip. Oh yeah, she asked again if I was reading her email, tapping the phone, having her followed, called the guy I think is the OM or if I have benn to his house. I told her that I know his phone numbers and where he lives, but I can only think of one reason she is more protective of her relationship with him than she is with ours.

Apache03,

Just keep getting your IPB. And dont let on you are getting it...you may need it later.

She is DEFINITELY in the fog! No doubt about it. So, pay little attention to what she says, although there is truth in what she speaks. You just have to learn fogese. I am a little rushed right now, so dont have the time to go thru what she is saying in detail. But she is waffling back and forth. You just said this. This is a distinct sign that your Plan A is working!!

she feels the pain. Both of losing you, and if she stays...of losing the OM. She moves back and forth between the two because she cannot find a pianless way out of this whole thing. And guess what...there is NO painless way out of this mess. But, what you are doing in Plan A is getting her pain level so high that when you pull everything away that you bring to her life in Plan B, the pain will be unbearable. And the OM will be ill-equipped to meet those needs.

As for your feeling resentment, etc...this is natural. This is why Plan A is only for a short duration. When you get to the point that she hasnt ended things with OM, but you cannot go any further without losing your love for her...then it will be time for the Plan B letter (PBL) and go to Plan B. I dont think you are quite there yet. But who knows? She might move out, or whatever and start Plan B for you. So, use every day, every hour to make a good Plan A, for as long as it lasts. Dont hurl stuff back at her, EVEN IF TRUE! When she says you didnt do this or that, just tell her that you hadnt realized that and thank her for her observation. And that you will work on it. When a person in the fog has the finger pointed at them, they retreat further. So, let it be for now. You have plenty enough time later to be right.

Sounds like when she goes to church, she comes back closer to you. If you havent already, you may need to enlist the help of the pastor. She has to find out (NOT from you) that what she is doing is NOT okay with God.

Hang in there. Keep up with the plan. Get your intel for future use, if needed. Which state do you live in? It may make all the difference if this does go to divorce.

Actually, by what you wrote, I think things look promising. She is a classic case of being lost in the fog. If you play this right, I believe you have a good shot.

One other note. You said you have 16 years in the military, and it would be foolish not to finish it out. I want you to think about this VERY clearly. If that job ends up costing your marriage, that retirement will mean zero! I am leaving the service right now with 17 years of active duty service. Why? Because if I stay, I will have to deploy at least one more time (my unit just left for Afganistan without me). And if I leave, my marriage is over. Things are too tenuous right now. Is that retirement worth losing my wife, and maybe my kids? No way! I can get a job. I have experience, degrees, etc. What I cant replace is my family.

So think about it Apache. God asks husbands to die for their wives. That means in all things, daily. If you staying, and deploying, will allow Satan to continue to have a hold on your wife, then you KNOW what you have to do.

Think about it.

In His arms.

She keeps telling me that she wants me to leave and if I don't, then she has a place to go (one of her divorced, older lady friends). I keep telling her that is up to her, but I'm not leaving. I intend to stay and work on our marriage. This is making her very mad. She says that the house is her house, she has made it a "home" and that if anyone should leave - it should be me.

APACHE,
Alot of your story here has a similar ring. I have been in the battle for a little over 4 years now. I am not quite ready to call for an extraction yet...but I am close! Anyway, I found Harley and this site about 6 months ago. I sure wish it had been sooner! Another piece of my puzzle was discovered about a month ago. Is your wife by chance a child of an alcoholic? If so, there is a book called Struggle for Intimacy by a lady named Woititz that may give you some more insight as to what you may be facing.

You know why she's resisting and fighting so hard right now? Because she's probably losing her battle to resent you and paint you as a terrible person in her mind. I'm guessing that she's trying to provoke you into something so that she can reassure herself of what a jerk you are. So keep up the good work. If you've seen Hearbreak Ridge, you'll remember the scene when Clint Eastood is trying to win his wife back and she gets mad as heck for him switching tactics. It reminds me of your current skirmish.

Keep up the good work. The other side fights the dirtiest when they feel they're losing.