2long...I was reading over the posts and noticed your comment about the EA going on even after NC is established. I have never looked at it like that before but that is such a good point <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> That's exactly what it is. I guess the A that I was involved in moved on to a PA rather quickly so I never really experienced the EA part until after the PA was over. I was talking with a co-worker today who is really special to me. She knows my situation and she was sharing some of what she's been through. She has been involved in 3 abusive relationships and like she said it's all due to lack of self-esteem.

The things that she was telling me blew my mind!! Everyone here seems to be blessed with caring spouses who love us unconditionaly. I told my H about the A two days before our 23rd anniversary <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...I didn't really expect an anniversary gift at all. He bought me diamond earrings!! I wonder what I ever did to deserve such a loving and caring man to be able to do that two days after crushing him with my confession.

SG and Chris...sounds like you two are making great plans with your spouses <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Justin and 2long...I can definetely see your point about wishing that your spouse had just left you during the A. I can see how you would feel that way. I know that my H isn't nearly as trusting now, doesn't want me working late, etc. etc. You know what, I totally understand that too. I often put myself in his shoes and wonder how I would be. I don't think that I would have handled things nearly as well as he has, especially considering the fact that I still work with the OM. He has never thrown any thing back in my face.

I try to make a point of checking in with him if I'm going to be even the slighest bit late getting home from work because I know that realistically he will never trust me completely like he did before and I can't blame him for that.

I also know how absolutely devastating it is to the WS to still be somewhat in the fog from the A and trying to work on the M too!! Your heart is so divided and you feel like such a hypocrite!! I carried on this charade for 11 months...too long!!! I never knew that I had it in me to be so selfish!!

Sarah- You're getting awesome advice here, alot of people really care about you and want you to make it. Let me just say one thing that has helped me- "the upper hand". What I mean by that is that I was the one who chose to end it with OM, I was the one to stop returning his calls, I was the one who decided that I deserved better than what OM had to offer, etc. See, I got to be the one to have the power and to decide to walk away, not OM. For me, that gave me alot of power and it helped me to heal faster I believe. If OM had been the one to stop calling me or emailing me, etc. then I would have been left standing there feeling dumped and no good, etc. If you are the one that ends contact then you have the power and the upper hand. I don't know why it helped me but for some reason it did. I guess it left me feeling like I was in control and if I was strong enough to end contact then I was also strong enough to control my thoughts as well.

All I'm saying is one day OM will decide that it's too much hassle to keep calling you, after all you guys don't have anything in common anymore. Well, you'll be sitting around waiting and waiting for the call that never comes and you're going to feel horrible, desperate, used, etc. All you'll think about is how OM has moved on with his life and you're no longer a part of it, etc. That doesn't sound like fun, does it? And, it'll haunt you the rest of your life. You'll constantly be wondering why OM never called you anymore and if he still thinks of you or not. Now, if you're the one to take the upper hand and tell him next time he calls that you can't talk to him anymore, then YOU have the power and you are taking control and you won't be the one left all alone. It's your decision, and I honestly believe that it's going to end eventually one way or another, so why don't you be the one to have the upper hand and do the ending? You can do this, you really can. If you stop and look at the situation, what is it that he's even providing for you anymore? I mean, all he's giving you is the occassional phone call and that's it- seems to me that you would be better off without that. Be strong and keep coming here, we'll help you.

Chris- Thanks for the name change suggestion. I was thinking about changing it but it has kind of grown on me; reminds me of what my goals are in life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm so glad that you had a happy day today. Isn't it nice to have those defining moments when you realize that you are actually happy and that it's such an amazing feeling because you haven't felt it in so long? I love those moments and they seem to happen the most when I'm alone and driving to work in the mornings- these are also the times I feel closest to God.

So, you need suggestions on ideas for presenting your W with her gift huh? Well, I'll need to think about this a little bit. When is her b-day anyways (so I know what my deadline is)? We'll help you come up with some cool idea- there's alot of smart, romantic people here.

By the way, I liked the message you wanted to leave on your disconnected cell phone line- I think that if OW were to hear that she'd probably get the message. After all, it's nice and subtle <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

KiwiJ- You give great advice as well and you're so right in the fact that it's liberating to actually end all means of communication for OM. When I finally got up the nerve to close my email account and voice mail, I was scared and nervous at first but then I had a freeing feeling where I didn't feel so obsessed about looking for messages from the OM anymore. It was probably one of the biggest steps I took in my recovery.

I'm glad that things are back on track for you and your H. Sometimes you need a little disagreement now and then to shake things up a bit. I know that it helped me because it made me realize that my H wasn't going to just sit around and take my cr&p anymore. Tough love is a good thing sometimes.

Lisa- I'm really glad that you're still doing well- how many days in a row is that for you now? See, you're doing great and you're being strong. You do need to stop having conversations with OM though because they can't be good for you. I worry about you- especially with the fog looming so nearby. Just don't get in too far over your head with your contact with OM at work. I know that right now you say you have no choice because there are no other jobs available, but just be careful. I know that if I had to see my OM daily it would be so easy for me to let myself get sucked back in, even with all the progress I've made. I'm strong, but not that strong yet. Keep praying, I'm praying for you as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SG

<small>[ March 15, 2004, 09:35 PM: Message edited by: stupidgirl ]</small>

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: chris37 ]</small>

Ok... I'm concerned. Do A’s typically think excessively about the OM or OW after they cut it off? Are there any kinds of statistics? My wife told left that world and told me she never looked back. I'm I being stupid in believing that?

Good Morning on this snowy central Indiana day!

First I want to say to 'Stupidgirl' that you have a GIFT of excellant advice for FWS.
Perhaps one good result of your affair will be so you could cousel others!
I liked what you said about the phone call and the way you worded it.

And I agree that the person that initiates NO CONTACT is on the higher ground; with a sense of pride for being the one that chose the right thing to do!

The timing isn't quite right now, as last week when he called he said they found a cancerous tumor on his tongue and he has surgery on it this week.
He will call me when he is back home from the hospital.

I know, I know, it is suppose to be "no concern of mine", however, I was his best friend for 10 years. Now he is living with another woman, a former classmate (they are both 61!) and even if she is now his best friend, him and I are still good friends.

Just because an affair ends, even if there is NO CONTACT does not mean that the affairees stop loving and caring for one another.

emafia Maybe your wife really was able to get over the OM quickly.
Just as every one of the millions of people in this world have different faces (amazing isn't it?) the story of every affair is also different and everyone handles the ending however their hearts direct them.
(The mind seems left behind sometimes!)

JennyYour advice about NO CONTACT is good and I hope to be there in the near future.
Just like your Mom and you dealing with your dad's death, you survived, went forward with your life BUT YOU STILL MISS HIM. (I sure miss my good Dad!)
It will be the only way our marriage will THRIVE; if there are NO MORE SECRETS!

Chris You mentioned changing my phone number...If I asked the OM not to call anymore, he wouldn't!

We are all SO pleased at the turn around you have made in your marriage.
GOD DOES ALLOW U-TURNS IN OUR LIVES!
I am surprised you are not being advised to tell your wife of the 7 year affair; that is a BIG THING to hide from her as you are trying to re-build your marriage.

JL, 2long and Justin Explorer.
Your main messages seem to be that the OM is not kind and caring, a no good man for having an affair, a liar, thief, cheater, cold, manipulative, not worthy of respect; yet to generalize and say that, you are also saying all of us FWS on this Marriage Board are the same since we are the other half of the affair!
What we are is SELFISH, we are that for sure!

JL, you are right that my H does NOT know the depth of my feelings for the OM. I white-washed my feelings when I told him about the affair.
He does not need to know that thoughts of the OM cross my mind every 5 minutes!
How could that possibly help him since there is absolutely nothing he could do to make these thoughts go away? Total honesty about our every thought is going too far...(IMO)

Ok, friends, I am going to back away from this thread for awhile and read only and let someone else receive your kind attention and advice.
How about we uphold Lisa, she is still struggling yet doing quite well~
I am not sure how talking with the OM every day is helping her in recovery.
Lisa, talk to us some more, your experience at church seems to really have changed your heart.

Love and THANKS to all of you, what a wonderful BLESSING to have so many people that take the time to give such good advice and share their thoughts.
Love,Sarah
My ID name is 'Sarie', my name is 'Sarah', but you can keep calling me Sarie; it is kinda a cute name! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

<small>[ March 16, 2004, 07:17 AM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

emafia.....I obessed big time after the A!! Perhaps your wife is like the OM was in my case. It seemed to be that after the A was over that it didn't phase him at all to have to still see me everyday at work. It seemed that once things were ended that he too never looked back.

sorry...can't spell..it's too early in the morning and I haven't had enough coffee yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I look so forward to reading this thread...There are so many different variations of the same problems that we are all facing and I think that we are all truly helping each other to muddle through!!! I appreciate all of you guys so much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Here's to a good day!!!!

SG...Hey girlfriend!!! I'm glad to read that things are going good for you and H. I totally agree with your comment about limiting my conversations with OM. I really needed to tell him that I forgive him though. I said what I needed to say and that will be it. I really raked this man over the coals during and after the A. I said some horrible things to him about his character that I regret. That was definetely me calling the kettle black, don't you think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I do appreciate your concern though and I will definetely use caution here because I do not take for granite one bit what great blessing has been bestowed upon me. I never, ever want to feel like I felt before!!!

I have not shared the church experience with many people. It's like a precious gift that I am still holding close to my heart. Those words, let it go, are still going over and over in my mind.

Hey!! One other thing, has anyone here read Dr. Phil's book "Self Matters"? It is an awesome book about changing the way you view yourself, from the inside out. I want to do all that I can and understand myself better than ever before to ensure that I never have to go down this road again!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sarie posted:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JL, you are right that my H does NOT know the depth of my feelings for the OM. I white-washed my feelings when I told him about the affair.
He does not need to know that thoughts of the OM cross my mind every 5 minutes!
How could that possibly help him since there is absolutely nothing he could do to make these thoughts go away? Total honesty about our every thought is going too far...(IMO)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And asked....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your main messages seem to be that the OM is not kind and caring, a no good man for having an affair, a liar, thief, cheater, cold, manipulative, not worthy of respect; yet to generalize and say that, you are also saying all of us FWS on this Marriage Board are the same since we are the other half of the affair!
What we are is SELFISH, we are that for sure! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Read what you have posted very carefully, Sarie....

Isn't a "white-washing" a lie? You have also stole from him his RIGHT to make HIS OWN decisions, and HIS chance to see what HE can do to help feelings go away that you have. He IS half of the marriage, ya know? Yet...you have decided to take FULL control, and cause him to sit back and let you do all the driving. THAT, Sarie, is manipulation....You have "cheated" him in that you are making ALL the choices as to the direction that your and his relationship goes.

Seems to me that you proved 2Long's point.....


HCII

hcii:

How are you, man!!?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sarie:

"The timing isn't quite right now, as last week when he called he said they found a cancerous tumor on his tongue and he has surgery on it this week."

YOU AREN'T LISTENING. This is NOT your CONCERN. If he were dying a horrible death, it would NOT BE YOUR CONCERN. If it WERE your concern, you and your H could sit by his bedside and watch him go, and you would feel no guilt whatsoever.

"He will call me when he is back home from the hospital."

CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO THAT HE IS UNABLE 2 REACH YOU.

"I know, I know,"

No you don't, no you don't.

"it is suppose to be "no concern of mine", however, I was his best friend for 10 years."

No you weren't.

"Now he is living with another woman, a former classmate (they are both 61!) and even if she is now his best friend, him and I are still good friends."

I give up.

-ol' 2long

Sarie:

"Your main messages seem to be that the OM is not kind and caring, a no good man for having an affair, a liar, thief, cheater, cold, manipulative, not worthy of respect; yet to generalize and say that, you are also saying all of us FWS on this Marriage Board are the same since we are the other half of the affair!"

That is EXACTLY what I'm saying, with one major misspelling in your 2uote: It's the WS, not the FWS that is the "same" as the OP. And remember, it's their ACTIONS that make them unrespectable. People can earn their respect back, if they're willing 2 do what is necessary 2 do that.

You are a WS, not a FWS. My W is probably a FWS. Though I'm not absolutely 100% certain that she hasn't had contact with RM since December, her behavior around me seems 2 suggest it's true. More precisely, perhaps (for the labeling crowd), she's a "recovering" FWS. We've got a long way 2 go, still. At least we're going forward without RM.

-ol' 2long

Sarah,

We are talking about marriages here and we are talking about vows. You and OM have raped, pillaged, and plundered your marriage. IT is up to you two to repair it and you both know it.

YOU have to repair it by removing OM from your life and focusing on your H.

HE has to repair your marriage by leaving it alone.

You both know this. Yet, he is calling you. HE is not an honorable man, he is in fact a thief. He continues to steal from your H your focus, your love, your honor, and THE TRUTH.

At this point YOU are no better. You continue to steal from the marriage rather than rebuild it. YOu continue to lie to your H. You continue to conceal things from him that might cause him to terminate the marriage. You, and I mean YOU not someone else, are no more honorable than OM.

It is time you at least, decided to attempt to repair your marriage.

You responded </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your main messages seem to be that the OM is not kind and caring, a no good man for having an affair, a liar, thief, cheater, cold, manipulative, not worthy of respect;</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With regard to your marriage I said that, I meant that, and worse IT IS TRUE.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> yet to generalize and say that, you are also saying all of us FWS on this Marriage Board are the same since we are the other half of the affair!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, it does NOT generalize, because most of the FWS here are FORMER WS's, you ARE NOT. Your affair continues on an emotional level. So yes you are at this point the same as your OM and you will be until YOU decide to make amends to your H by doing him the honor of telling him the truth and focusing on your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What we are is SELFISH, we are that for sure!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wrong again! The FWS WERE selfish, they are NOT now. You are not a FWS, you are a WS and yes you are very selfish, just like the OM.

When you are married you really cannot be "friends" with someone you slept with and dishonored your marriage with. Sorry, you cannot have it both ways. This man is a deadly disease to your marriage, and that is what we are talking about. He may be a paragon of virtue to anyone else but he is a disease to your marriage.

2L, said it right, if he was a friend BOTH you and your H would be visiting him.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JL, you are right that my H does NOT know the depth of my feelings for the OM. I white-washed my feelings when I told him about the affair.
He does not need to know that thoughts of the OM cross my mind every 5 minutes!
How could that possibly help him since there is absolutely nothing he could do to make these thoughts go away? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He could leave and find a woman that is worthy of his love. Right now you are not, and you show no inclination of becoming that woman. You still lie to him, you decide what he "should" know. You still knowingly focus and contact OM. This is NOT about THOUGHTS of OM, this is about continuing contact with him. THis is about you intentionally keeping him in your life. This is about you intentionally continuing to dishonor your marriage,by YOUR ACTIONS.

This thread started because the FWS's here were discussing the issue of continuing thoughts for the OP. That is NOT your problem. Your problem is continuing CONTACT with OM.

Your H can help make these thoughts go away, if he knew about them. Many FWS have posted here telling about how discussing things and thoughts with their spouse helped put things is a different perspective. And in deed eased the intense feelings that were associated with thoughts of OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Total honesty about our every thought is going too far...(IMO) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are not talking about every thought. If indeed your everythought is about OM, then you should really do the honorable thing and leave your H, your marriage is truely dead. But, I don't believe your every thought is about OM. I do believe you that you have some love for your H, you just don't have any respect for him.

I am being so belligerent about this because your H cannot speak up for himself. You have cut him off. Someone needs to speak up for his position in this, and see if you can finally come to see what you have done and are doing.

Sarah, the real problem I have, is I don't see a happy woman. I see a woman that should be happy, should be rebuilding and rejoicing in her marriage for her and her H's remaining years. That is what I want for you.

If you don't rid your marriage of OM, then your life will be one large lie. If you don't do it before OM passes and since he is younger but in poorer health the jury is still out, he will be the ghost that you are attached to and your Marriage and happiness will have no chance. Your H cannot compete with a ghost.

OM is NOT alone. He has a woman in his life to take care of him as he always wanted. Leave it to her and to OM to deal with what his future may be. Your issues are right in your house.

I know I was harsh, and I don't apologize for that because I think something has to blast you out of this position of one foot in and one foot out. Your H's love doesn't seem to have any effect on you. Your sense of honor does not have any effect. Apparently your religious beliefs nor sense of fair play aren't havingg any effect. You continue to cake eat.

Sooooo! I am trying this.

I do earnestly hope that you come to see what you have before you lose it. I am willing to bet your H is losing and has been losing love for you over this last decade. I worry that he is just there now. I worry that you will not know what you have lost until it is too late. Time is NOT on your side.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: chris37 ]</small>

Sarie:

I sense that you view our criticisms as a personal attack on you. They're not. They're attacks on bad behavior, sadly very common bad behavior.

My earlier posts about "weaning" off the OP were intended 2 make a serious point 2 you, because you appear 2 be trying 2 do that. It won't work.

It won't work because you AND your H will go through a process of healing from your A. You'll progress at different rates. And for the BS, one of the most painful realizations that can happen is that the WS has not ended their A but has said they did and has been forgiven for the past. Forgiveness is a prescious gift, but it will feel like another cruel betrayal 2 your H when he learns that he forgave you for something you were still doing.

Please take this 2 heart. Everybody has setbacks. Sometimes, the setbacks are "fatal" 2 the relationship. I know, I've seen plenty such cases here in the past 2 years. The truly strong, caring, and loving BSs and WSs hang on even when hard truths are revealed late in the game. In fact, I would suggest that they DO hang on precisely because sharing those truths rebuilds trusts and helps the healing. Living through the anger, hurt, and devastation of D-day through recovery is no damn fun, either, so you must know that these people held on and worked through their problems because of some deep, abiding love. THAT was what was real, all along, but 2ples in long-term M's are not very good at remembering that fact until they're jolted awake by some trauma like infidelity.

Healing (recovery) without the help of your S (whether the WS or the BS) is POSSIBLE, but it's harder. Probably until 7 months ago, that was what I was doing. And BSs have a lot of self-improvement work 2 do. The "answers", both for the BS and the WS, lie within. Always did. Rest assured, if this process goes on long enough, your H will come 2 the realization that his sanity and his happiness come from within. When I started 2 realize that and LIVE it (I'm not perfect, but I'm "better" than I was 2 years ago), he'll be amazingly perceptive of things lacking in his surroundings. He will KNOW your affections are still divided, without you having 2 tell him. What do you think he might do then? If it were me (and it's not, my W is far less attached 2 RM than you are 2 your OM, of that I am certain), I would want 2 end my M amicably, and I think I could do that now.

I suppose it might be possible for you 2 "keep your H in the dark", but you would also have 2 stifle his growth, and I'm not sure you could succeed at it. Even if you could, would you want 2?

The OM "has a new woman in his life" 2 be sure. But it wasn't what he needed 2 heal. It's a bandaid 2 help him try 2 wean himself gradually off his addiction 2 you by replacing you with another substance. That's unfair 2 his new GF. What he needs 2 do is find solace in his own soli2de. When he does, he might be ready and able 2 have another relationship.

This is just what would help him heal, if he really were 2 choose 2 do so. By no means take it as instruction 2 contact him and coach him along. You are the WRONG person 2 do that.

best,
-ol' 2long

Sarah....I really feel for you in your situation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> and you sound like a person who is caring and has a tender heart but you must listen to the advice that is being given to you. One thing that kinda will put things in perspective is to ask yourself if your H was the WS how would you feel if this contact was still going on with the OW? I wouldn't like it and I don't think that you would either. I can't imagine how hard your situation is because you two were friends for so long but unfortunately that friendship can never be regained.

The addiction of an A is much like that of any other addiction. I had been quit smoking for 18 years and I always knew that I could never trust myself to even smoke one cigarette without running the risk of becoming addicted again. Well, guess what, one day during this crisis that I've been going through over the last two years, I decided to smoke one cigarette, just one. Well, I am now dependant again on tobacco. I
think that it's a fair assumption to say that all of us that have been caught up in the A are looking for a "fix" to make us feel better.

Please do not tempt yourself with even "one conversation" with OM. Before you know it, you could easily be addicted to him and the A all over again. I don't think you want to go through that hell again <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hello everyone and thanks!
I believe that you all are giving me the right advice.

'He' called me this morning and our conversation turned to our love for one another, accepting that things have changed, he has moved on, but admitting the feelings remain.

It has to stop!
I cannot handle this bondage on my heart.

I have the NO CONTACT letter written and am going to e-mail it soon.
I basically used the words SG suggested.

I am weeping and it is killing my heart to let him go from my life but I HAVE TO.
I want peace and a clear conscious.
I like the idea of taking the higher road, being the initiator of No Conact.

JL and 2long, you are right, I am still a WW not a RWW.
I hope this no contact letter is the answer.
I know he will do what I ask, maybe it will make it a lot easier on him.
I will go get the letter and copy it here.

Love, Sarah

Sarie,

I am not convinced that you are doing this for the right reasons after reading this post.

Do you want NC w/OM for yourself and your marriage? Do you love your H enough to make this commitment? Do you value your M enough to make this commitment?

Withdrawl is HELL, so be prepared for it. You will at first be consumed by thoughts of OM/A. Fight these thoughts and vent here and pay attention to H. Your H is a million times the man OM is, you will soon see this. It will get easier, I assure you.

Decide whether or not your H and M is worth it.

I wish you the best, and hope you, your H and your M can heal and get past this HUGE obstacle.

mrsx

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
<strong> Hello everyone and thanks!
I believe that you all are giving me the right advice.

'He' called me this morning and our conversation turned to our love for one another, accepting that things have changed, he has moved on, but admitting the feelings remain.

It has to stop!
I cannot handle this bondage on my heart.

I have the NO CONTACT letter written and am going to e-mail it soon.
I basically used the words SG suggested.

I am weeping and it is killing my heart to let him go from my life but I HAVE TO.
I want peace and a clear conscious.
I like the idea of taking the higher road, being the initiator of No Conact.

JL and 2long, you are right, I am still a WW not a RWW.
I hope this no contact letter is the answer.
I know he will do what I ask, maybe it will make it a lot easier on him.
I will go get the letter and copy it here.

Love, Sarah </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

This is it, I know some will say it seems like a love letter but afterall I do love him and always will!


"Dear ~~~My great friend for over 10 years.
My heart feels very heavy right now as I am writing this to you.

I appreciate your friendship SO much, however, I find that I just can't continue to have you be a part of my life anymore, if I am going to try to make my marriage work.
I think about you far too much. I long for peace of mind and a clear conscious.

Plus it is not fair to ~~~, for you to have me as your secret friend; talking love talk.

I believe in my heart that it would be for the best, for both of us, if we stop talking and having contact with one another. It is too hard for me to hear your voice, and hard on you also, to pretend that things are the way they used to be between you and me.
They are not. So please ~~~ do not call me anymore.

It makes me really sad to write this...I am weeping...We need to go our separate ways and be free from this bondage we have on one another.
Your relationship with ~~~ will thrive without me in your life; likewise, my marriage will once again be on the right track.

I know you have ~~~ as your helpmate now and she will be by your side and love you and take care of you for always. You will never be lonely again.

Your Sarah friend"

Sarie,

No, this should not be a love letter. It should be void of emotion and meant to convince OM that your A was a MISTAKE, you want your M to work, you love your H and you don't want to hear from OM again.

You are leaving the door to the A wide open with your letter. Please decide WHY you are going to do NC before you do it, otherwise it won't be long before someone's phone starts ringing (either yours or OMs).

Read the post I made before your letter.

Another note: this letter needs to be shared with your H for his approval before sending. Do you really want your H to read that kind of foggy love-talk?

Please Sarie, if you want to end the A and work on your M you need to look at this honestly. If you are still in "love" with OM and your heart and mind isn't into NC, the A is never going to end. TRUST ME!

mrsx

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
<strong> This is it, I know some will say it seems like a love letter but afterall I do love him and always will!


"Dear ~~~My great friend for over 10 years.
My heart feels very heavy right now as I am writing this to you.

I appreciate your friendship SO much, however, I find that I just can't continue to have you be a part of my life anymore, if I am going to try to make my marriage work.
I think about you far too much. I long for peace of mind and a clear conscious.

Plus it is not fair to ~~~, for you to have me as your secret friend; talking love talk.

I believe in my heart that it would be for the best, for both of us, if we stop talking and having contact with one another. It is too hard for me to hear your voice, and hard on you also, to pretend that things are the way they used to be between you and me.
They are not. So please ~~~ do not call me anymore.

It makes me really sad to write this...I am weeping...We need to go our separate ways and be free from this bondage we have on one another.
Your relationship with ~~~ will thrive without me in your life; likewise, my marriage will once again be on the right track.

I know you have ~~~ as your helpmate now and she will be by your side and love you and take care of you for always. You will never be lonely again.

Your Sarah friend" </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ March 16, 2004, 12:36 PM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>