Sarie:

I acknowledge your honesty regarding how you feel 2 US. You need 2 share these feelings, just as you stated them in your letter, with your H, and NOT the OM.

This is not a NC letter. It is an invitation for the OM 2 keep on hanging on. If you don't have a copy of SAA, buy one now. Use the sample NC letter in there for you AND YOUR H 2 write one 2 the OM. Print it out, sign it, GET YOUR H 2 SIGN IT, and snail-mail it 2 the OM. DO NOT EMAIL IT, because your H's signa2re needs 2 be on it.

There is no way 2 do this but the right way. Your letter will fail 2 achieve NC.

-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
<strong> This is it, I know some will say it seems like a love letter but afterall I do love him and always will!
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTW, Sarie, one more thing. The above sentence indicates that you are not being honest with yourself or your H.

You can't have recovery in your M if you love a man other than your H. Believe me, I understand your emotions, but try to identify what your feelings REALLY ARE. Don't confuse "addicted to" with "love". Don't confuse "lust" with "love". Don't confuse "co-dependence" with "love".

If you DO and always will love OM, why don't you leave your H and tell OM to get rid of his G. Then you and OM can love each other eternally without the interference of anyone else.

mrsx

<small>[ March 16, 2004, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

thanks guys.. well the OM sent her a birthday card which was about a week after she came back home she could of hid or opened it but she gave it to me. I'm so stupid I actually opened it and read the damn thing. Then a couple weeks later he sent her a package which turned out to be a CD of all his favorite Country music. She gave it to me unopened. I of course opened it and about laughed when it turned out to be all Country music. My wife isn't a big fan of country music.

I don't even think I can send that 'loving no contact letter', let alone one that is strict and to the point.

You have all been wonderful beyond words.
Just give up on me, I CAN'T do it; the lifetime of No Contact. I can't!

Maybe I am like the alcoholic that cannot stop drinking.

Mrsx, to leave my husband and end our 35 year marriage, damage our children and grandchildren for my selfish desire to be with another man, would NEVER bring happiness to me. I would grieve and sorrow constantly for the pain I caused my family! That is NOT the answer.

If and when I get to the point that I sincerely WANT to have 'No Contact' with the OM is when my marriage will totally heal and I will have my self-respect back, along with a clear conscious!
I have to want that more than occassional conversations with OM!
Love, Sarah

<small>[ March 16, 2004, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

Sarie (that is so cute <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), no one gave up on me little lady and no one is going to give up on you either. You aren't here to please us by what you do, this is to get YOUR life back. I don't really have time to go back and read all of your threads. Is the OM still married, if so, is she
supportive?

Sarie...do you mind telling me how old you are?

clarification here...your MB name Sarie is cute, not what you're going through...sorry if that came across wrong.

Lisa, your note made me cry that you are not giving up on me.
I DESERVE to be given up on, I am serious.

I am 53. My husband is 54 and the OM is 61.
I was married at 18 (a virgin)
My husband was the only man I had ever been with until I met the OM.
My H and I were very happy, had 3 daughters and our only son died at age 18 from a car accident.

When I first knew the OM, he was sick and dying but through the miracle of a heart/lung transplant, he lived. He is not married. He just recently had a friend he met at a class reunion, move in with him.
I was his hospice nurse, his friend, his angel, his reason to live! I became his best friend and his lover! Our love affair was a secret, no one ever knew.

Our history together goes way back, we knew one another since childhood. He now lives on a farm 4 miles from our farm. Our nearest town is a small town where everyone knows everyone!

I told my husband recently of my affair, but I led him to believe it had been over for a long time. Yes, I lied!
I didn't want to tell him at all but felt it needed to be confessed, at least in part!
(Don't lecture me anyone, I know this was MB wrong and not total honesty as advised!)

My head aches and my eyes sting from crying.
I hope I soon make some right decisions!
I feel like 'Lost Bird' and 'Finally Learning', waffling about with indecision!
Love, Sarah

<small>[ March 16, 2004, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
<strong> Lisa, your note made me cry that you are not giving up on me.
I DESERVE to be given up on, I am serious.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sarie,

No, you DO deserve a life full of happiness, and so does your H. Decide what it will take to acheive this, and we will be here to help you get there. We are all here for the same reason, don't forget that. No one has given up on me or any other the other WS's here....and we won't give up on you....but don't give up on yourself, either or your H or your M. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

First, hi to MrsX, how are things going for you?

And Lisa, Chris, SG so lovely to hear the tone of hope and happiness in your posts.

Now listen here Sarie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> we are not giving up on you. I am 50 in a couple of months so I feel our situations are very similar. Your situation is different in that you nursed your OM which I understand does create a very strong bond between people.

I have noted the ages of most of the women on here and I bet they're surprised that this can happen to people of any age.

We have ALL been where you are now with our feelings. Please, please listen to us. Pain and hurt and all that goes with it are a part of withdrawal and it is AWFUL. But my H and your H deserve all of us. What can I say? Have a really deep think about all we've said.

But we are not giving up on you.

Jenny

Sarie...I too was a virgin when I married at 18, 23 years ago. I have a 22 year old son and a 18 year old daughter. They are my heart!!

Do you have an email address that I can correspond with you on?

Sarah,

YOU LOSE!

You have managed to connect with a relentless group here. I have personally posted to one lady for over a year before she finally confided to her H about her A. You know what happened? He cried, he forgave and they began to rebuild their marriage. Her H had it rough but so did she with her guilt. Go look in the archives for a poster named "Jill"

So, Sarah, you are not even in the big leagues yet. No way is anyone giving up on you. If you don't want to hear from us, then YOU will have to pull the plug.

You said a few other things I wanted to comment on. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Mrsx, to leave my husband and end our 35 year marriage, damage our children and grandchildren for my selfish desire to be with another man, would NEVER bring happiness to me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you are happy NOW? Is your H receiving from you the love and focus he should be getting? How is he doing meeting your needs? I'll bet he is NOT doing so well, because he has had 10 years of being 2nd best in your life. Your children are grown and your grandchildren will learn. Your behavior has been noted by them already. They have some idea that "Dad" is not high on your list, and that you are sad all of the time. You don't think your sadness doesn't affect your children, your H, everyone around you?? If you have ANY meaning in their lives, what you are doing and what you have done HAS BEEN hurting them. Their Mother and Grandmother is sad and they can see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice, see the lack of reaction you have to your H, their Dad and Grand Dad.

They KNOW the most important thing already, you are NOT happy.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would grieve and sorrow constantly for the pain I caused my family! That is NOT the answer.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me ask you something. Does it hurt you when a close friend is sad and hurt? Does it hurt you when your children are sad and hurt? Does it bother you at all when your H is sad and hurt? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you are already causing them pain, and you have been for a decade.

The problem is that you have been so selfish that you have not seen, nor felt the pain you have caused to the ones that love you. The ONLY other person you have been worrying about is OM. Then you sit here and tell us that he has not stolen anything from you or your family.

You are a fool Sarah, if you don't think your affair has not hurt your family already.

You can go or you can stay, but your sadness, your neglect of their feelings, there response to seeing you sad or distracted has already hurt them.

If they love you at all and I would bet they do, they want you to be happy and act happy, and have you enjoy your life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If and when I get to the point that I sincerely WANT to have 'No Contact' with the OM is when my marriage will totally heal and I will have my self-respect back, along with a clear conscious!
I have to want that more than occassional conversations with OM!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you do have to want the more than the occasional conversations, but while you wait people are continually being hurt. Your marriage is eroding, your H will lose faith that he can ever make you happy.

The sad truth is as long as you base your decisions on your feelings, and those of OM, you will NEVER get yourself respect back. It is not your feelings that have to change, it is your perspective on how you are influnencing and affecting the people around you. If you ever woke up and saw the damage, that your lies and infidelity have done, you would make that decision right NOW.

But right now it is all about you, which means your comments of worring about your children and grandchildren (I note you don't seem to worry about your H maybe because you assume he will always be there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) are in fact a lie as well. All you are worried about is how YOU will look in their eyes, not how you might hurt them. Your sadness is hurting them now. Even your sadness about the loss of your son, hurts those around you. I doubt seriously if he rests comfortably KNOWING what you have done, and how you have allowed his passing to affect you, his father, his siblings, and their children.

Woman, you have a lot to face up to, but ironically the tough stuff is NOT the OM. He is just your place to hide so that you don't face your pain, and the pain you have caused other people. It makes you feel noble that you helped nurse him back to health, but you forgot what it cost everyone else.

Sarah, I know something that you need to acknowledge time is fleeting why are you wasting it? You know better than I that loved ones pass, and yet you waste your time on OM. What I see at my age which is somewhat older than you or H, is the surprises of life, which are not usually very pleasant. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> One of my younger son's teammates father, just found out he is dying of cancer. Found it out a month ago at most, he is not likely to make it through the summer.

Woman, reverse your cranial transplant and look around you. You are already hurting your family with your pain, sadness, and lack of resolve. Go talk to your minister, talk to someone that you will believe, call the Harley's whatever, but look around you.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Sarie...you mentioned that the OM has someone now who has moved in with him. If your pull to him is still partly due to the "caretaker" issue, he has someone else to fill that role. Your roll now, as it has always been, is to be the caretaker to your family!! I worry that this man may still use the health issues as a means of keeping you in his life. Sarie...think about it...he knows that your married...at some point he needs to honor that just as much as you need to. JL's comment about the person he knows who has recently been diagnosed with cancer brought back many times that during my A..the thought that if something happened to my H...I would never, ever forgive myself....

Sarie...try to clear your head for a minute...this is not to put you on a guilt trip by any means but to try to shake you a little <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and make you see how much of your life you have sacrificed for this relationship. Sarah, it's time to let go and get your life back!! You cannot imagine what a feeling of total liberation it is to finally "let go" and you will get there. If I could, anybody can!!
You will gain your self respect back which I know that you have lost through this. Again, remember, the OM has someone to take care of him, you take care of yours...Enough of your life has been wasted on this....We cannot ever go back and undo what has been done, but you know what the good news is, you have the power to change today and tomorrow <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm 42 and my H is 44...My H's health is not that great. He is diabetic and has had a mild heart attack. If I had been in the middle of this A when heart attack and if he had died...I would have never forgiven myself...never!! Sarie, life is too precious to test fate that something like that couldn't happen to you....I'm not hitting with you by a 2 x 4, God knows that I'm not, I just want you to shake yourself and ask yourself, what am I doing here?? I don't have to live like this anymore....this is a choice that I am making.

I am praying for you that God will open your eyes and your heart to all that is being said by people on this thread. Sarie...you are precious..don't sell yourself out anymore!!!!

Hi Jenny, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Things are going ok with me. I have my good days and my not so good days. Things with H are improving amazingly well. I am "falling in love" all over again with him. I cannot belive it. The effort really pays off. Putting OM and A into perspective has made me see what a real gem I have in H and I am making sure that he knows it.

There is a lot of room for improvement here, don't get me wrong. Thoughts of OM still haunt me, sometimes it really stresses me out. I have a few good friends, my sister & my therapist to help me thru this as H doesn't want to hear about my "OM Withdrawl" and I can't say as if I blame him.

However, the important thing is that I realize that my H is a million times the man OM is, and that I am very very lucky to have such a wonderful, forgiving and loving H. I want to prove to him that he deserves to be treated better than I have treated HIM. I am trying to make sure that his EN's and personal needs that I am responsible for are being fulfilled to the best of my ability.

He is also working on some of his own stuff, and consequently is becoming more patient and affectionate with me. There were a lot of my own EN's that were not being fulfilled and a few LB's that definitely irked me, and I see him making a conscious effort and that is great!

We are not out of the woods here, but this site is definitely my compass and the people here are so great! I really know that things are gonna be ok.

OK I don't wanna hi-jack this thread w/my life saga, thanks so much for asking!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KiwiJ:
<strong> First, hi to MrsX, how are things going for you?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ March 16, 2004, 04:41 PM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

kiwij and mrsx...It's nice to see that you ladies are doing so well...I just wanted to say hi. SG's thread has taken on a life of it's own, don't you think.

SG...I hope you don't mind all of us being here?? This has kinda become like a little chat room of all my favorite people on MB <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> !!

Sarah,

Listen to JL. He is so right that I can hardly contain myself.

As I have told you in the past, my situation is similar to your. My WW has had a long term affair and refuses to give up the OM.

During that A our family life suffered greatly. I knew I was second best as JL said. She was never fully there for me. She never treated me fully as a husband has a right to expect and as she vowed in our marriage. Just like JL said.

Our children have suffered also. They know our family is not 100%. They do not have the happy and healthy family life that they deserve. They do not have all the parental support they deserve. You see, the OM sucks off a good chunck of WW's time, effort and even money. Thus, it is not there for the children. Just like JL says.

There is one big difference between your situation and mine. My WW has made the decision to leave me for the OM. This makes reconcilliation very difficult.

You still have a chance to save your marriage and your family. A chance that my WW threw in the garbage heap when she moved out. Listen to JL, I can testify that his analysis is right on.

God Bless.

well ladies , listen to this poor soul. This is coming from the mouth of an OM.Listen.I have been going thru this whole thread for as long as it is existing....


It seems you all SG,Lisa,KiwiJ,SARIE ,mrs.X and all the poor cheating wifes having a hard time to let go off all those feelings for the great OM.
Oh, Am I great????, Am I a caring person??
Am I a friendly loving person????

YES YES AND YES. But did i have any feelings to the WW????? NO NO NO NO NO. Not even a trace of loving feelings. The only feelings were under my pants and not under my shirt.

She is just a hole for me.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Every WW is nothing but a hole, a hole which would do everything like a slave slut and nothing else. Just like a use and throw pen. nothing more than toilet paper. OMs do not invest emotionally into her. We say things, we listen , we make you feel great and when we are in A, we think with our penis and not our brain.

please all wake up wifes.

I can certainly feel the way how your husbands are feeling now from a male perspective view. U would never know what you have done to them. U have just put them in the ground zero of an atomic bomb. you have humiliated them beyond a level. U have raped them in the open in front of the whole world continuously. You are no longer special to them even what ever you do salvage the M. Yes ,salvaging the remaining pieces when the OM enjoyed everything when it is intact and new. They have to live with the remainings of some of the beautiful souls.(except sarie).

U can see the whole world from the hole you have made in their hearts. Cant you see that under their shirts.

The making of an OM and what we are:-

I am a great guy, loving caring, extreamly ambitious,knowledgable,good looking and everything a woman wants......(I am not boasting ,I am an internationally recognized person) thats one face...
This is when i think with my brain

I am dirty,manipulative,bad,dark,serpentine and evil when i think with my penis... thats another face. This is the face every WW gets at the end.

Every OM/OW has their own problems and voids in their hearts which make us to act in this way.
It is very very painful to see u all still longing for those feelings of OM. This is not love of the OMs. This is the love for how we made you felt . It does not matter if it comes from X, y,z,bush,blair and any other poor soul.

U are longing for those feelings. U poor WWs invest heavily on us. I am just asking you to do only one thing.. just forget us.

Just imagine what your poor BHs were doing when you were preparing for the encounter with ur OMs. What their faces conveyed to you that time.....
What their faces convey now.......
Are the BHs will ever trust you ..???? NO NO and NO. They all have come to a point of trust where they will understand that whatever they do , if you WW choose to do this again, u will do. So why bother about all of this?.

Will they tell this to you?. No we men wont.
It is sad that all you WWs here in this whole thread does not talk about your H much.

ITS ABOUT U , ITS ABOUT WHAT U HAD,ITS ABOUT OM.

Your Hs are just collateral damage. Just the unavoidable hinderance. People who have no cotrol over their life. People who had lived a drama set up by u. Is that not painful??? ,

All WWs say that they loved their H all thru the A:

Its not just you loved some people but for what you loved them also does matter. U all loved them because they are great fathers,great people to get along with, caring people, and GOOD EARNERS. U did not love them because they are your SOUL MATES, Your LOVER.

Can you see the difference......

WAKE UP, your BHs patience wont last long.

SG you are the poorest of all . U remind me of the film UNFAITHFUL. ur BH will wake up some time and leave u. This is gonna happen if you dont put your fog feelings out faster.

TO SPECIAL SARIE:

The best thing u can do to your H is a good ,peaceful DIVORCE. ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> are you his wife???)
or get a revolver, put in his head and blast him. Atleast he will have peace in heaven.
I have flamed you once. Thats a long time before.
U have not come out of your fog not an inch. U dont even listen to JL. You have not confessed to your H completely. U are still in deep **** A. U will never ever recover unless you treat your H as your H. Your OM has become ur H long ago.
Your H is just for the social recognition. JUst a variable for your own comfort.

Dont misguide the other WWs here. They do have a chance to salvage and become a great wife again. But you dont love your H for the reaons i have mentioned.

IF ur H AND OM DIE ON THE SAME DAY, U WILL GRIEVE MORE FOR YOUR OM THAN H. U WONT MISS YOUR H AT ALL.

If some people feel being flamed/blasted thats not the intention. This post is about the two faces of an real OM. I am not a male sauvinist. If i have used derogatory words, thats of the Former OM i was.

DHANUSH

dhanush,

Some of the things you say are not without merit and I agree with you on them.

OM definitely used me in a lot of ways, and I know that he doesn't "love" me.

Although a lot of his "thinking" probably was done by his "male anatomy", I also think that it goes a little deeper than that. Not that it is my business, but I think he also has a lot of unresolved self-esteem issues, insecurities and emotional needs that led him to having the A with me.

I am not making excuses for him or trying to justify his behavior but I do try to look at it from all angles, not just the "sexual" one, as my A was much more of an EA than a PA.

At any rate, OM is a very manipulative person and whether he was thinking with his "male anatomy" or being controlled by his emotions, he still USED ME to get satisfaction, just as I USED HIM to get mine.

If you read a little closer you will see that a lot of us WS's are focusing more on H than OM. Sarie is definitely having issues with this, but I do give her credit for sticking around and venting here. Hopefully SOMETHING will pull her out of the fog long enough for her to see that she is treading on very dangerous ground and is risking her M and a chance for change and true happiness. I truly hope that she can do NC w/OM and realize what a gem of an H she has. NC has helped me and H A LOT.

We are all works in progress, doing things at different speeds. I thank you and appreciate that you are trying to help us WS's save our M's but I think that there are more tactful ways to get a point across.

mrsx

dhanush...I hear what you're saying and you know what...my head knew that all along but it took my heart awhile to "get a clue"!!! I think that there are women and men out there that totally fit that profile of just wanting sexual gratification. Some of us though actually allowed the heart and emotions to come into play which really causes problems!!!

A very personal note here....this is not to gain sympathy for me or my H by any means...but my H is diabetic and at the age of 44 still is in denial of that fact. This has been an issue in our M for I guess two years or so. I cannot tell you when the last time is that he and I were "intimate". That is no excuse by any means in what I did to betray him. I did want to add though that there is the man that I work with who hasn't exactly made it a secret of his "feelings" for me...yes, they probably are sexually motivated as you say.

Even though my A has been over for 9 months and my H and I still physically can't be intimate until he makes the decision to get his diabetes under control, I do not have it in me to use this other man to meet that need. I'm not asking for a pat on the back here, not even close but I don't ever won't to be used or to use anyone else again. For so long I wanted to blame OM for "using" me....well, I finally realized that I used him too. Yeah, I thought that I had these feelings that went deeper..but you know what...I realize now that I didn't.

That 2 x 4 is needed though...it will hurt those that are still in denial about what the A is..I was the OM's 4th...what's worse than that is that I continued sleeping with him after knowing that. I needed to be hit by several 2 x 4's back then <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> !!!

dhanush...I'm sorry if this comes across has an afterthought because it isn't...more than the user/usee issue, I never want to hurt my H like this again...I'm sure that he thinks that the whole A was because of our sexual issue...but when it started out...I really just enjoyed the OM's attention. That makes me even more disgusted with myself for what I did. This is such a sensitive issue too between us...you see my H holds everything in but I know that he feels like he "can't" satisfy me...but let me tell you something...our intimacy level as far as everything else has improved so much.

If given the option of returning to the A with the great sex and all and my H...MY H WOULD WIN HANDS DOWN <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />