JL,

my concern is that i tell him this little piece now and then the rest of it later, will he feel played??? am i being manipulative??

P.S. he is in a room on his own, but it is too far for me to join him. we do intend on talking on the phone.

i'll be back later, i'm late!!!

2 things:

1. two nights ago, even though he was not ready to discuss/respond to my note, i did read it to him. i almost didn't because he said he had not have a chance to re-read it yet and he was worried that if he did not respond to it I would feel bad. well i figured i had written it well over a week (9 days) and I wanted to stop thinking about how i wanted to read it to him and i just wanted to do it. so i told him not to worry about that and we could always still discuss it more later. i felt preaty ackward when i read it to him. i did not at all read it to him the way i saw myself doing it in my head which included looking into his eyes a lot and giving him a kiss on the cheek at the end. he told me it was very sweet and that he did hear at least 2 questions in there and he would think about them. he did answer the question of what was it that enabled you to never give up, he said he deep down always believed that we belong together. he acknowledged that there were a couple of direct questions in the note, but i kinda doubt he will ever read it again without some prompting from me nor do i think he will reflect on it and initiate any more discussion. i am glad i read it because now at least i don't have to keep thinking about it and waiting for him to say he has thought about it and is ready for me to read it to him. it also takes any pressure off him to get ready. i am disappointed that the note did not result in us talking more but i am still glad i wrote it and i am still glad i read it to him. it may not have been anything that got us talking at a deeper level but i am sure it made him feel good emotionally. i don't think it was not a waste of time. it was an attempt by me to draw us closer to each other. just one attempt, it certainly is not the only one, i will continue to work on making more opportunities (i think i was feeling disappointed about how it went and i think i just attempted to give myself a pep talk, now the question is, did i help myself to not feel as disappointed as i actually feel??? i'm not sure, but then it is very early in the morning still!!! i think more encouragement not to feel disappointed would help me) one last thing to say on the subject, in the morning, on the phone when i was at work, i did tell him i felt ackward while reading it to him and how in my mind's eye i was wanting to look him in the eye more and kiss him on the cheek. i just wanted him to know that.

2. last night i did talk to him about my thoughts on how i was (and therefore will always be) addicted to the internet, how on 1/12 i had deleted my screen name and vowed to never make a new one, and how i was feeling a little worried about breaking that vow come this friday. a long time ago (like a LONG time ago, this may have even been before the A started) I had confessed to him about going in chat rooms and cybertype activities. so he already knew that but in the more recent times, i played a lot of backgammon online, that is all he saw anyway. as you know, i met OM in a chat room, it's not like he was the first person i had ever chatted with. in fact i had gotten into a very bad internet chatting habit for a little over a year before then. The first time i went into a chat room was april of 2000, i remember it very clearly. my H was on a job out of town that occurs every year about that time (in fact it is coming up again very soon). it was in july of 2001 that i met the OM. So for a good year i was falling into the pit prior to getting to a point when i decided to meet OM in person (although i had only first chatted with OM once before agreeing to have lunch with him 2 days later and then agreeing to go to his place 5 days after that). going online in 2001 really was the start of my giving up on the marriage. i had tried so hard to get thru to my H and nothing was helping. I was so very lonley and extremely vunderable. the internet is a terrible place to be when you are in that kind of mindset, unfortunatly there are so many extremely lonley people out there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> i acknowledge to him about how my usage of the internet really hampered my ability to make progress in the marriage once he was open to doing so and i told him i was sorry. i told him that i wish i had talked to him more about it back then, that i know now that he could of helped me (although i'm not sure i believe that last stmt. i did confess about the cyber activity and i did once even tell him that i was scared that i was having thoughts in my mind about straying. so i think i did try some back then, neither of us were where we are now. i was not very effectively and he was not so interested in fixing anything about our marriage). we talked about what my friday night would be like, dinner with mom, helping out at church retreat and then soaking in tub and talking to him right before bed. the key will be to just go to sleep right after talking to him, sometimes when he is out of town i have a very hard time getting to sleep, i just walk around all night. taking a hot bath will help that too.

i feel good about the talk last night and yet overall i am feeling discouraged this morning. Any help trying to understand why that is would be very welcome.

FL,
I've been reading your posts, thanks for sharing. I have to admit that some of them are unsettling because of the addiction issue. It makes me aware that my W could fall again also. The post you erased was very revealing and I think you are like alot of other W's and how thier H's have not been sensitive to their needs.

As far as why you feel discouraged...I just think the weight of your past is coming upon you all at once. Not just the A, but all the baggage that has never been addressed. I go back to how you will acheive the type of intimacy you crave with your H. There is a huge roadblock. It goes beyond the A to the root causes of your search to fill the emotional holes in your heart. I know of only one person who can do that completely, Jesus Christ.

I have learned one thing about relationships, the longer they go on the more you will be disappointed. When you are looking to someone or somthing to fulfill your life, it has the potential to become an addiction. Also, you will harden your heart against the person who has disappointed you. You not only need forgiveness from your H, you need to share your deep feelings with him. The risk for you is his response. You face the risk of rejection. I am not saying you unload everything all at once. Ask yourself did the OM solve all you personal hurts? Who is really on your side? Also, you need to forgive him.

I think you are on a good path. The pain you are experiencing will continue to push you to a solution. Having help from JL is great, he has so much experience and wisdom. I have learned to place my hope in God. He will never let me down. Once I have that secure relationship with God, I can be a true giver in relationships with others. I can rest in the fact that He will never reject me. I still my be hurt by others, but I can risk that because I have His love. Knowing that I can give in all circumstances. I fail when I start to think of myself first and my needs not being met. When I go to God, His abundant grace is there for me.

Please keep hanging in there and trying. You have to be patient and the right time will come to reveal everything to your H. Get right with yourself first. Intimacy takes time and consistant effort. You must believe in the power of love. A safe haven marriage takes time and trust. It can be acheived, just don't give up.
Your heart is in the right place and going in the right direction.

Christ's love,
Roman

Roman,

thanks for the post, i saw it earlier but it's been such a busy day!!!!

it's amazing to me that i can be 40 and yet so inept at living.

my day calmed down. i was very anxious this morning when i got up and then when i got to work it just got worse.

in my other post "how did i feel when OM contacted me" (i don't know why i made that a seperate post!!) i wrote about how i was worried that i was feeling so vunderable that i would end up finding some stupid small thing to get hurt about so that i could go back to feeling hurt as opposed to vunderable. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i'm really struggling today. i feel like i am closing so many doors to things i used as crutches, OM, internet chatting, and i am feeling very panicy!!!

I don't think my H really understands extent of the internet issues and he absolutely does not know about As.

I'm feeling terribly vunderable right now. My H is going on a trip tommorow morning. I think I will feel a bit better after he is gone (which sounds very bad!!!) but i worry that i will find something stupid and small to get upset about so i can stop feeling vunderable and focus on feeling hurt about whatever cuz that is a more comfortable feeling for me.

i am guessing i am making no sense here but unfortunately that is how i am feeling right now.

any help/support in any way would be so extremely appreciated today

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">then i had the bright idea to actually tell my H that as opposed to just telling people here. I called him on phone, told him i was feeling vunderable, and i told him exactly why. the note and our lack of talking about it in more depth but i added that i knew it was just one opportunity for us to talk and i know there can easily be others so i am trying to keep it in perspective and not fret. and he said, you really want to talk about it more don't you, and i said yes and he promised that we would (although we didn't set an exact time/date).

then i also told him i was feeling vunderable because of what i disclosed to him about the internet. and that although i had already been offline since jan, telling him was closing the door for allowing me to go back even more because i will not lie to him about it again and if somehow i slipped i would tell him, which meant i have more at stake and more reason to not slip. he said things were really bad back then, between us and due to my dad'd illness, that i have no need for it anymore and i told him i cannot blame my choice of doing what i did on what was going on in my/our lives. everyone has stress in their lives, even extreme stress at times but i choose to deal with my stress in a very destructive way and that was all about me and my choice in acting that way. but that now i want to live differently now and i really want to keep nothing between us ever. and i apologized again for not coming to him sooner when i first started to really fall apart bad. i think i'm remembering this all right. he said he knew about the cyber activity before, that i had told him about it back then. and i said but you don't know the extent of it and how long it occured. so he asked me if it had in fact continued after i had told him about it and i said yes and he asked when did it really stop then and i said jan 12 was when i closed account, that it had been about 6 months since being in a chat room but even while playing backgammon i would end up chatting/flirting and that my behaviour was totally wrong and it hampered our ability to move forward. he was not happy to hear stuff like that had been going on so much longer than he realized but he was very kind about it and said that it was ok and that what was important was how i came to realize how wrong it all was and he appreciated that i wanted to tell him about it now and that i wanted things to be so much more open now. then we changed the subject, after all this was all over the phone. we had lunch together which was very nice. he leaves very early in the morning. i am sure we will have a very nice evening tonight and i no longer worry that i will find some small stupid thing to get upset about. but i know my window of telling him the rest is upon me and i cannot drag it out anymore. i am certainly not going to tell him on the eve of him leaving but it has to be pretty quickly now. but i have to be honest, i'm really not sure if i can take that last step <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

thank you again for your interest and your help. same to you JL and all others (that includes you SS!!) here that have helped me so much by sharing.

FL,

I think you need to realize something. What you are doing by talking to your H as you have been doing is "planting seeds". Don't expect him to just turn around and change, but he is noticing you talking to him, he is feeling what you say, he is noticing that you are changing the way you two communicate and the subject matter of the communications.

You are planting a garden FL, it won't bloom overnight so don't worry about his reaction unless it is really negative, which it has not been. He will think about you on this trip and he will reflect on what you are saying and asking. You very likely will have to bring it up again, but your questions are NOT challenging him so he is likely to respond the next time you talk to him like this in the same non confrontational manner. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You have noticed that I have not been on you about telling him, do you want to know why? I strongly feel that you must tell him. But, I also feel you need to learn how to talk with him first. You are learning these things now. Once you know them, once the seeds start to sprout, YOU WILL TELL HIM. I am pretty sure of that.

You are edging closer, and he may yet actually ask you about the A and how far it went. You will tell him then, that I know. But, meanwhile you are learning and you are planting, and next you will learn how to nuture the seeds and gain confidence. It will come FL, I really think it will.

So keep planting, keep talking, keep expressing your feelings. The way you are doing these things now is NOT an LB as you can tell from your H's reactions.

Let me ask you something, don't you feel better for having told him what you have? Don't feel closer, and freer? I think you will because not only are you planting seeds in your H's mind, you are planting them in yours as well.

Have fun while he is gone, and relax. You can do this.

God Bless,

JL

Roman,

i realized i did not comment on the part in your post when you mentioned your wife and i realized i do not know your story at all. i don't know if you are a BS or a WS or neither like JL. i don't know your age, how long you have been married, etc. You mentioned my story makes you worry about your wife and your fear that she could fall again. was it also an internet addiction or something else? (of course you don't have to answer those questions if you prefer not to). i just wanted to acknowledge that part of your post and tell you that although no one can gaurentee that she will fall again, she has a loving H beside her and that can make all the difference in her life.

regarding the post i eraesed, i was thinking maybe no one had read it, i actually started feeling rather embarresed about stuff i wrote in that.

I have always believed in God but until recently i never got the concept of "having a close relationship with God". i knew i was missing something, i just didn't know how to get it. sometimes these days, i think i am finally getting it. but i also think i have a very long way to go. but i will keep hanging in there.

JL,

i realize i did not respond to your list of reasons why H might not be wanting to talk about his feelings.

1. He does not have practice at speaking the language of emotions.

This one is true. His family is not the type to show emotions, not even his mom, although they all love each other very much, they were not the type of family that even hugged much.

2. He was trained, as most boys are, to hide his feelings and never show weakness.

not sure about this one. if there was anyone in his family that did show emotions more it was his dad, of course i knew his dad when H was already grown up, i don't know exactly how his dad acted while my H was growing up.

3. He fears you may think of him as a strong person and if he speaks of his feelings and fears you will no longer think of him as strong, and lose respect for him. He may think that the ONLY reason you love him is because you think he is strong.

i don't think that one matches.

4. He may fear that if he discloses what he feels to your that you might discuss it with your friends.

he is a very private person!!! so this one would not surprise me.

as for me, i think my number 1 reason is that i don't want him to see the bad side of me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he may yet actually ask you about the A and how far it went </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i don't think he views anything regarding the internet as an A, nor has he asked me directly if i met anyone from the internet, although he came close, he asked me if anyone ever wanted to meet me. i said for the most part the people i talked to were just other really unhappy and lonley people just looking for conversation and temporary escape but not looking to do anything life altering. and i am really splitting hairs to think that my answer was not an out and out lie. and that is not good.

he also asked me a few times if something bad had just happened, why now was this bothering me so much. i told him i am feeling remorseful about it all now, i was not capable of feeling remorseful about it then.

so that is where it stands for now. yes i am feeling better due to telling him what i have so far and i feel closer to him, but i have not been 100% honest yet so i'm not really there yet.

bumping up, hoping you see this roman.

FL, I'm here now. I've been reading your responses and other posts. How are you doing?
Roman

Roman,

I am doing good. H is out of town now, having a lot of fun on golf course although he was not happy with his score yesterday and he was not happy with how early the other guys wanted to get started this morning!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> he is not an early riser although for golf (and disney) he seems to manage.

my evening has become very full, dinner with my mom and then helping at the church with the youth retreat till midnight, i will be coming home to an empty house but i am not worried that I will get online or anything. it really helped so much to just talk openly with H. i don't know why it seems so simple now when i never could before. of course, H is not the same person he was before either which helps too.

so much has been changing so quickly here and it just seems to be speeding up sometimes it is so overwhelming, even though all the changes are very positive ones. i guess i still worry that it is all going to come crashing down very soon. maybe that is just my "nothing good lasts" issue or maybe that is because i fear either 1) I tell H about As and every thing will crash down terribly especially for him 2) i chicken out, don't tell him, have a false recovery and have it all crash down eventually anyway because i am not capable of being healthy enough to keep things going good.

I am looking forward to having a little quiet time with just myself (even though it wont be till midnight!) to center a bit.

How are you doing? or should i not be asking you that question? ever since you mentioned your worry about your W, i can't help wanting to find out if you are getting the suport you need, you certainly seem to be giving so much.

FL,
Thanks for your concern and please ask me anything that comes to mind. That's how this is supposed to work. How can we help if we don't ask? Anyway, I'd be lying if I said everything's okay. It's not, but it is better than a year ago. When I saw your respons to Johns post, I wrote one also. I broke down as I wrote it because all the pain of the past 7 months came flooding back. It was overwehlming. But I am learning alot about truth and committment. The truth about myself.

My battle actually goes back to October of 2001 when I knew somthing was wrong. I did not know the truth until Aug of 2003. The pain of those 20 months was immense. I tried everything to win back my wife. Nothing worked. Once the A was out in the light of day, the addiction had a chance to be broken. I knew this, but it still was painful. I committed to the 6 months I knew it would take to bring my W out of the fog. The entire time no one knew. I told no one. I know most disagree, but I wanted to protect my wife and children from the public humiliation. I suffered silently, fully trusting God for the outcome. I wanted to give my W a real chance to recover when she could make a rational decision.

MB did help. People like you still help. I know more about A's than I ever wanted to know. But I truly believe it will somehow serve God's purpose. I work patiently, moment by moment. I have the anger moments and the victory moments, but all in all we are moving forward. I have a lot more to share with you. I think it will help me to do that and also help you to see the forgiveness that awaits you out there.

Stay positive and try not to be too hard on yourself. You have given alot of great advice and God will honor that. He knows your heart and He knows it better than you do. Stay faithful and go to Him when you feel weak and need His grace.

Christ's Love,
Roman

Roman,

thanks for sharing, i am honored actually. but it also saddens me so much. you could be my H typing. his pain must of been so much like yours.

For us it was July 2001, we were having troubles before that but it was in July 2001 that I gave up, and that is when i met that guy, just to symbolize my throwing in the towel. I wish so badly that i did not take that step, if i would of just given up and insisted on a seperation instead, his eyes would of been opened, we would of started working on our marriage together and so much could of been avoided. i think one thing that kept me so stubborn and refusing to give us another chance is because i felt so broken, i felt it was too late already, nothing mattered. i cant tell you the amount of times i told myself as i went to the OM apt that this was just further proof, i just couldn't turn myself around. i know you say don't be hard on myself but it is so hard to not feel so unworthy.

do you share the depth of your pain with your W now or are you still trying to be strong and protect her?

FL,

Sorry, but I have not had a chance until now to check back. To answer your question about my pain, I believe she is now starting to realize what she has done. I try not to show my pain because I want to avoid causing her to feel guilty at all costs. She is really hard on herself and she needs my full support. I try to act as normal as I can. I am positive and loving. I fail at times, but it is rare. I really believe there will be a time of healing for both of us. For now, I want her to feel safe with me. I want to become her best friend.

Trust me, I am human with plenty of flaws. There are many times I just want to give up. I know that is the wrong attitude and won't let it dominate my thinking. I have some tremendous resources to go to to adjust my attitude. Sometimes I just go to her and hug her. She is usually responsive, but it was not always that way. I endured her rejection for a long time without knowing why I couldn’t reach her. But I owe my resolve to God and some Godly men and women who wrote relationship books that taught me how to love in all ways. I just kept going to the books and to God. I learned how to love unconditionally. I learned how to love my wife and I learned how to do it in the face of deep and continuing rejection.

Everything I read says get counseling. I have asked my W, but she refuses. However, she is trying. I just don't think she realizes the emotional damage she has done to herself. She is trying to avoid dealing with it. I have offered over and over to listen to her. I told her I would talk about anything. I know she is judging herself harshly, but she does know I have forgiven her and that she can trust me. I have learned to trust God for my counseling and trust Him to continue to work in her heart. The way I see it is that I need to reflect God's love and forgiveness so she can begin the process of healing. I know it takes time and I am willing to wait on her and God.

How did you make out last night? I thought about you and your struggles. I think if I had not discovered the A, my W would have been in the same place you are. I have wondered if I had never known about it, would I have changed this much. Probably not. The one wish I had was that she would have come to me early on and told me about the R. It may have been enough to get my attention. Trust me, I always loved my W, but not the way I should have. I just don't know. FL, do you think your H can fully comprehend his shortcomings in your eyes, unless he knows what happened? My fear for you is that he will eventually disappoint you again over a period of time and you will be vulnerable.

What I am saying is can your M be what you envision if he doesn't get it? You see, I truly believe NOW that M is 100% give and no take. Before the A, we were both takers and givers. But I know mutual submission is the foundation to a strong M. If we are looking to have our needs met all the time by our S, we will eventually be disappointed. With unconditional love and mutual submission, a M will be all it can be. If we don't give ourselves completely and unconditionally, our M will never be what it can be. These are choices each of us has to make and commit to from the heart.

I have much more to share with you, but I want to give you a chance to think about what I am saying. Thank you for giving me the chance to share my feelings and experiences. I believe you are becoming a true giver with pure motives. You are not looking to get something in return, but you just want to give. I am striving for the same thing. Just keep searching, you will find the answer. Everything that happens is not by chance, but has a purpose in our lives and our relationships. Even our choices, right or wrong, have a purpose. What really counts is how we go forward from where we are at this time.

Count your blessings and be positive. This will work out for you.

Christ’s Love,
Roman

this post will no doubt be very choppy i didn't sleep much last night. and i have been going back and forth on the computer all day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do you think your H can fully comprehend his shortcomings in your eyes, unless he knows what happened? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i think he really has, he is so much more giving and gentle with me than ever before. the point is he does not fully comprehend MY shortcomings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How did you make out last night? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i really missed him last night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> i swore to myself i would not admit what i did last night to anyone but i CANNOT live that way anymore. i wnat to live honestly, i also want to leave like a normal healthy person but even if that is not possible, i want to live honestly.

i so much wanted a physical connection, for many days before he left, SF was 1-sided because it was bad time of month, the last night we could of but he was too tired. i don't understand myself, i had a good plan, dinner with mom, bowling with church youth group, once home soak in bath and then get in bed and talk to hubby. only problem was the timing, H is hr ahead of me and he called me while i was still at bowling aisle, said he was tired and was going to sleep, i was not scheduled to be dropping off kids back at church until midnight which would of been 1am his time. i got home closer to 12:30 am. house was so empty, i locked up, turned off lights and went upstairs. i washed the tub so i could take a bath but i never filled it. i craved the physical feelings so bad, i dont know what is wrong with me. what good are the physical feelings without my H? he tells me he NEVER masterbates, feels it would be pretty pathetic to do that, tells me i keep him completely satisfied he has no need. i didn't used to do that so much but when i started the internet thing i got into a huge habit, then it escalted into a PA with a real person, i am so screwed up now!!! i don't have much luck being satisfied anymore when i am on my own, the only way i can with H is if i am giving to him first for a long time, that is only thing that gets me going. i've worried that it is getting to an unhealthy spot, i just don't know. to get to the point, i wanted to have O, i just wanted that physical sensation, i needed the release and then i could sleep soundly. i figured if i was to talk to my H after the bath and in bed, at least i would have just had a nice converstaion with him and i could fantasize in my head about him. but i couldn't call him. so i thought before i got in tub i would look at just a little porn (which is another nasty habit i picked up, although i never did that all that much, i chatted with people instead, somehow i decided porn would at least be better than chatting.) but i never got into the tub before the night was over, i found myself making a new yahoo id, going in a chat room and around 5:30am, i was on the phone with someone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> i feel pathetic, and cheap, part of me really thinks i did this just so i could once again show myself i am so totally incapable of being healthy. i got about 4 hrs of very bad sleep, spent the day cleaning house, got in a little bit of a nap and i am about to take the kids out. i will clean more tonight and with the kids here, i expect i will get to sleep ok. I have really screwed myself up here big time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

i did delete the screen name and the downloaded software when i got up this morning. i am so mad at myself for screwing up like this. i feel like i own everyone here a huge apology too.

I am fighting the urge to delete my last post. But I won't do it, instead i AM going to open up to my H and tell him about it!

I am going to tell him that i did something that i know will make him unhappy and at the same time i will be asking him to help me overcome this. It is the only way.

FL,

Still staying with you in all of this.

YBIC,

S&C

thanks S&C. It helps to be heard.

i am still determined to tell H about friday night. i will NOT have anything current go undisclosed. Not to mention I obvioulsy need his help. and i trust him enough to ask for it now. I really hope i am right about that.

<small>[ March 14, 2004, 09:03 AM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

FL: I know what you are going through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Sucks!
There is a book "addicted to love" by Stephen Arterburn. You may wat to pick it up. It might give you a little more insight into why you feel like you do. I'm here if you ever need an ear to bend. I have been where you are many times.
Chris

FL,
Have you considered why you feel the need to go to the places you know are wrong for you?

I know you want to tell your H everything. I understand you feel that if you don't, your recovery will be incomplete. I know you want his help and need his help. These are all good things. What is the best way? I can't think of one, but I'm not sure he will understand your struggle. I know he will be crushed and your M will never be the same. I think showing him that post now may be too much. The letter you wrote was better. I know it skirted around the truth, but it had a positive effect.

What will you do if he rejects you? Will you go back to your addiction? Do you understand why you have this unfulfilled need? Do you understand that you are trying to fill a void in your heart? Do you see that your H or anyone or anything cannot fill it?

The post you deleted a while ago was painful for you. There are events and circumstances in your life that have caused you deep emotional wounds. Your H can help you, but he can’t do all of it. So, where is the hope for you? Are you destined to go through the rest of your life shackled to the very things that will destroy you?

There is a better way, a way that will bring permanent healing. It will take time and effort on your part. Also, it will take something that you don’t have now. I have spoken to you about a personal relationship with God. I spoke about intimacy with Him on a level that only those who seek Him will reach. You want to place the burden on your H to make you a better person. All I am saying is yes he can help, but that is not enough. Yes he will be there for you, but only God understands your pain.

I have learned through my experience that God allows bad things to happen in our lives. It does not matter if you have a relationship with Him or not. It does not matter if you are good or bad. God allows our good dreams to shatter. They can be shattered early in life or later, but they will shatter. Often, when our dreams shatter, God seems to be no where in sight. We feel alone and abandoned. We cry out to God, but there is no response. Why? Why doesn’t God hear us and rescue us? He has the power to do so, and yet He does nothing. Why?

Before I answer, please consider your shattered dreams in your life. Did you seek answers and try to fix them or did you ignore them and let time cover the wounds? Either way, healing did not take place. The wounds are just waiting there to be reopened. So what do we do? We try to make ourselves feel better by seeking lesser things. Some people seek drugs or alcohol. Some seek unhealthy relationships. These things make us feel better for a time, but sooner or later they make us feel worse than before. But we still go back to them. These lesser dreams are the addictions of life. They take us away from God because we depend on ourselves and others to feel better. We are not healed this way.

Why does God shatter our good dreams. The dreams of family and marriage. The dreams of growing old with someone to love and be loved by. It seems so cruel. God should hear us. The reality is that He hears us and is ready to be there for us. It is God’s desire for His creation to give us everything we need. God wants our desire to be for Him. He wants us to place Him first in our lives. He wants your love and He wants you to go to Him for healing. When you seek Him and build an intimate relationship with Him, he will meet your needs. When we accept the saving Grace of Christ into our hearts and make Him Lord and savior, He will begin the work of healing our hearts. You see, God is the greater dream. Instead of seeking lesser dreams like addictions, we need to seek God who is the greater dream. He will never abandon you or reject you. His love and forgiveness is unconditional. All we need to to is accept His love and seek His forgiveness. His grace is sufficient for all our needs. It is like the air we breathe, free and abundant. Breathe in His grace and begin to heal from the inside. He will heal your wound permanently. When you have a secure and intimate relationship with Him, you will be a true giver in relationships with pure motives and no needs.

God wants your M to work and glorify Him. My hope is for you to be happy and find peace from this turmoil. Please pray and proceed with caution with your H. He seems to be responding well andhe does need to see your pain. He needs to help you and I’m sure he will do all he can for you. But the real healing begins with God.

Christ's Love,
Roman

Chris, thanks for the post. I have heard of that book but have not seen it. About a year ago as i was trying to break out of these habits, internet as well as the affair, I found a support group site for cyber addiction, cyberaa.com. thinking that might give me some insight and help. Someone in there recommended a PRIDE workshop (online program) which is offered at www.understandingaddiction.org. I signed up but then I did not do it. I actually still have the email about the program, maybe I should look into that again.

Roman, as always thanks for your post too. It has given me lots to think about. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have you considered why you feel the need to go to the places you know are wrong for you?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">part of me now thinks that I simply did what I did on friday for no other reason that I was physically craving a sensation and I fell back on a habit that once helped relieve that craving. I do know one thing for sure, I did not do it because i wanted to escape life or wanted to conciously push myself away from H, which is why i used to do it. I will also say I got no pleasure from it, not even short term, which is a good thing.

part of me thinks my subconcious wanted to sabatoge the good that has been happening. reason: I may still be fighting on the inside as to if i should really trust. and i am trying hard to find a reason to prove to myself that i should not.

i am glad i had no desire to contact OM. I didn't even think about it. All I really wanted that night was to feel physically good. I was disappointed that H and I did not get to talk, although i was not mad at him.

most of sat i was all over myself, beating myself up. then on sunday, i lightened up, told myself it was a mistake but not to go overboard with bad conclusions. i just made a mistake (true again, but it could of been worse) but it did not have to mean terrible things. and i was encouraged that it was such a unpleasant experience.

do i need a 2x4 for those thoughts, am i trying to brush this under the table? I'm sure there are here that will tell me this and I would appreciate that feedback.

I was sooooo happy to see H home again last night. His flight was late, he didnt arrive at airport till after 10pm. Kids stayed up to see him a bit and we had a very nice reunion too. but he was extremely tired. we leave for vegas now in 30 min.

One extremely good thought i had yesterday. I really missed him while he was gone. In the past I used to be glad to have the space. But this time i really did miss him. He was happy to hear this too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What will you do if he rejects you? Will you go back to your addiction? Do you understand why you have this unfulfilled need? Do you understand that you are trying to fill a void in your heart? Do you see that your H or anyone or anything cannot fill it?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">these are question i really have to keep digging into. Please keep asking them. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I spoke about intimacy with Him on a level that only those who seek Him will reach. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how to seek Him is what i feel I am missing. I believe in God, I really do, but i don't feel like i have a "personal relationship" nor do i know what that would even feel like. i have tried to talk to H about God and his views. I get impression he feels very solid about his relationship with God, but he has hard time sharing. He is an extremely private person.

I don't think i am really looking for H to fix me. But I do want him to help convince me he loves me and i am worthy. I think that may be putting too much onto him. i would love to talk more about how to seek God on a personal level. Do you have any books you would recommend. It seems like it should be so easy and simple, i don't understand why i struggle so.

I have to get in shower now!!! thanks, i'll be back on thurs.

as for you, I hope things are still moving forward. I would love for you to share more if you want to, if it would help you. I worry you are not allowing your wife to help because you are trying to be so strong. you may need to let her see your pain. you should think about that. are you in MC together? take care.