LL

I did it. I plan B'd today after I got custody of our son. He left teary eyed but said okay. Now the real test will begin I guess. You can read my thread under general questions II. Custody hearing and plan B'd all in one day! is the subject line. We will have to be here for each other now. It is going to be a tough road for me, but the right road.

Sounds like you came out good in the custody hearing. (I read and responded to your thread, too). I didn't have a custody issue, since my kids are both teens and have no desire to do anything with their dad, and right now he seems to have little desire to do anything with them. Neither one has met OW and I intend to keep it that way. If my DD met her, with her behavior issues, she might just assault her. WH hasn't suggested any meeting of OW anyway...he knows how dumb that would be.

Well, I've gone from taking a little hope from the phone call I shouldn't have taken from him last night but did to my hope going down the tubes again. I'm not even sure why. I guess just because I think he's entangled in such a screwed up, scary mess, that maybe on top of not really wanting to give it up because he's addicted, I'm worried that maybe he truly IS afraid of jeopardizing his or his family's safety.

I pray he doesn't stay with her and destroy his life just because he's afraid if he gets out that bad things might happen.

And I miss seeing him. Guys, keep reminding me that I can go months without seeing him, and it's not a guarantee that he's going to forget me or quit loving me, or decide to leave me.

Not as blue as I have been, but again stuck here working and it seems when I'm here by myself I really have a tough time--maybe because it's so quiet and I'm staring out at a dark city and it's just creepy and lonely and I want my H back.

LL

LL

I know what you mean about being lonely. I want my H back too. Not my WH but my real H. That is what I keep trying to remind myself of, that I just got rid of my WH. My real H is in there somewhere and he will surface again I hope. It may be too late by then, but maybe we can at least be friends again someday. We used to be best friends before someone took my place. After we had my son who is three, I became a very full time mom because my H worked so many hours. He had his things I had mine and we lived separate lives. Sometimes I think about how bad our M was and about how lonely I was even though I was married I wonder why I would want him back in the first place. Please just remember that you are not alone, that we are all here for you and most of us are suffering with you and we feel your pain. My mother is an alcoholic so I know where you are coming from. She has never quit before though. She admits she would die if she did. She said she can't sleep, or go to the bathroom or anything without it. It is worse when my kids are at their dad's houses and I am alone too. I try to not spend too much time alone and if I am I try to keep myself busy. Doing laundry or dishes or vacuuming and listening to upbeat music instead of sad sappy stuff. Try listening to something that pumps you up and makes you feel good. Also I know you are thin and all, but exercise makes you pump adrenaline and you just feel so good about yourself afterwards you should really try it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My real H is in there somewhere and he will surface again I hope. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is probably what troubles me the most about this whole deal. I know my real H has to be in there, but he's buried so deeply that I'm afraid he'll never come back. And I love that hidden H so much. He is really a good, albeit immature, guy. Because of my Christian beliefs, it's VERY difficult to watch what's happening and think that he may ultimately destroy himself if he doesn't get straightened out.

I was at work a little longer than even I anticipated tonight. One of my coworkers was working, too, and he came over to ask for help on something and we got off the subject and started talking about a bunch of other stuff. He's a really nice guy--scared of his own shadow--but pretty cool overall. We were talking about this sordid mess and how it might actually be funny in a sick way if it weren't happening to ME. He was saying that he thought, of his prior relationships before he was married, the one that was the hardest to get over, was when they broke up, and then she just moved on with her life and left him in the dust. That's when he realized just how much he'd lost and how good it really was.

His point: Keep doing what I'm doing (though do it a little better, so WH really does believe I'm not sitting around pining for him, but that I'm moving on with my life despite what he's doing). He thinks that should let WH really know how good he had it and how much he's losing (of course he's not an alcoholic like WH is).

So, even though I continue to blow it, this is just one more person (guy, too, so should know how guys think) who is telling me this is the absolute right way to handle things.

Okay, so why am I so darned lonely and scared again tonight? (Answer: because it's the weekend, I know he's with HER and it drives me crazy). Need to be HOPEFUL, not HOPELESS.

Praying for sticks, stones, thorns, hurdles, mountains, boulders, and anything else that God can cook up to throw between them and screw up their relationship....

I have a thread on the recovery board that today a post came from a BW whose H's A had gone on a total of 5 years, and the last 2 they spent separated. They're back together now and in recovery. I can't imagine have 5 years worth of strength. I'm going nuts at 5 months!

LL

lordslady,

This is one Christian speaking to another.

Sometimes you have to turn it over to God. Don't interfere with God's work.

Sometimes you have to let your spouse hit bottom. I know everything is really scarey now with ow and situation.

Yes, your WS is needing a fix. I really think what he said about old gf going on with her life is an important sign.

Plan B hon. He needs to know what he his losing. He is starting to see what is going to happen. Stop rescuing. Stop the fixes.

Let God deal with your WS. Don't intercede for WS with prayer. Just turn him over to the Lord. If you pray for anything, pray for God's protection over your family. Pray for God to work in your WS life.

I know it is scarey, and what is happening with ow is not good. Do we see a little LBing going on with ow? I think so. Stick to your guns, and let WS know you will move on if you have to.

I know it hurts. I know how much you love you love your WS. Trust in God. There are some good things happening, but as long as you rescue your H, it will go on.

WS needs to get to the bottom. The lowest level. Trust in the Lord.

Pray that God will do what needs to be done. Let you WS go where he needs to go until he comes to the point where he needs to make the changes.

Just pray for God's will to be done. Sometimes God brings us to the point where there is nowhere else to turn but to Him, so do not pray for intercession, pray for God's will to be done.

I know you are lonely. I know how much you love your WS. God knows too. Pray for that miracle. But most of all, pray for God's will to be done. God knows what your want, and He knows what your hearts desire is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Do not intercede on your WS behalf. Pray for God's will to be done. Not in your time, but in His.

I feel for you girlfriend. {{{{{hugs!!}}}}}

I have come out of lurkdom to pray for you!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

ps. You are doing great with your daughter. Alternative school is not a bad thing. Some kids don't funtion well in the mainstream schools. My son could not cope with the pressures of mainstream schools. Support and encouragement will help her. Ignore the outbursts. Keep a calm and clear heart. Oh by the way, pray for that calm and clear heart.

Love you, and the Lord loves you too. Trust in Him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 06, 2004, 11:09 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

LL-

I posted in your thread in recovery. After reading just a little here, there are a great deal of similarities in our stories. I don't have time right now to go into some of the things, but wanted you to know about rejoice ministries. It
is for the standing of your marriage. Things really began to change for me when I gave my husband, my marriage totally to God. Now I had thought I had done that before, but God got my attention in so many ways.

I need to post my story (I had been off these boards for a while) For me and for others to see that there is hope, even with drugs and alcohol involved. When I began to pray for my FWH's salvation and spiritual things, his world collapsed very quickly. Rejoice ministries emails helped me see that I needed to turn this over and seek God.

You will get thru this because of the grace of God.

C.

LL -
you can email me if you like @willgetthruthis@yahoo.com

D.

I just emailed my pastor to ask for prayers from him because I have put this in GOD's hands now. I was never religious before this experience. I had went to church a few times and so on, but this experience really gives you a closer look at your life and at what kinds of possibilites the lord can give you in life. I think everything really happens for a reason, I am not sure why though. We weren't happy and he wasn't happy when I look back at our M, maybe the good lord is trying to show him that he won't be happier anywhere else either. I am praying for you both.

Here is an exerpt from an email that my MIL sent me a few days ago (strange in a way, because they really don't live like Christians, but they are very nice people and have told me I will always be a part of their family no matter what, as long as I want to be.)


God's Cake

Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this", or "Why did God have to do this to me".

Here is a wonderful explanation!

A son is telling his MOTHER how everything is going wrong, he's failing algebra, his Girlfriend broke up with him and his best
friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, his Mother is baking a cake and asks her son if he would like a snack, and the son says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."

"Here, have some cooking oil," his Mother offers. "Yuck" says her son.

"How about a couple raw eggs?"

"Gross, Mom!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!"

To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a
wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these
things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!


Let's all keep reminding each other of this!

LL

WillGetThroughThis,

I responded to your post on the recovery board first with the alcohol story, before coming to this one this morning.

I'll log your email. By the way, mine if you ever want to email (or if any of you do) is
tjc9999@aol.com.

LL

lordslady. I wish that I knew how to ease your pain somehow. Just reading your thread breaks my heart for you. I saw your picture on the MB Album and you have a beautiful family...DO NOT GIVE UP. I have posted my story before my I think that you need to hear it. In my senior year of high school my dad broke the shocking news to us one day that he was leaving, that he no longer loved my mother, actually he told her that directly and that he had just been waiting for me to graduate. I am the youngest of 3 siblings. Before he actually left, my mother was going through his truck and found the letters that he had written to the OW was also married. She then understood why he was leaving. I cannot begin to tell you the hell that my family went through, as I know yours is too. I was dating my no H at the time and my mother n law is a wonderful Christian woman. She listened to me vent so many harsh and bitter feelings. She and my H were my lifeline. My H and I married during that time. My father was not there, my brother walked me down the aisle. I wasn't a Christian then nor was my talk <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> but my mother n law never judged me for that. She told me that she was going to have the church pray over this. In fact she told me exactly what they were going to pray the outcome would be. That my dad would reach rock bottom and realize what he had given up. She told me to not be surprised at what it would take for God to open his eyes. I have to say, that her prayer was answered exactly as the church prayed. My dad was actually to the suicidal point when my sister happened to run into him at the mall. My mother had become so bitter towards him that we wondered if she even still loved me and would take him back. That was also a work that God had to do. I left out one major point. My dad married the OM, left her to come back to my mom!! God does hear your prayers, let him work on your H and don't think that just because you can't see it that he isn't working on him!!! I am praying for you.

It is strange, I agree as I read others' posts, that now that I'm in this situation, I wonder about others I see and if they're really happy or if it's a front, or what their lives are like. You're right--from our photo that I posted, you'd think we were just all peachy. That photo was taken right before I found out about WH's E/A--it was right around the time he was getting attached to her. Looks can be deceiving...

I do continue to hope and to pray. I'm not a patient person, and sometimes I think part of God's plan is to grow patience in me. I want it to all be fixed NOW. I keep telling myself I can't take the pain forever, but He keeps giving me strength to get through another day. And even though I still hurt a great deal and I SO miss my H (the one who acts normal), I am much more functional now than I was 2 months ago, and I'm eating again (now if I could just regain some weight!).

I have also sat on the WS side of things 14 years ago. You may have read that in my posts. It was not like what my WH is doing--not that emotionally involved and no intentions of leaving my marriage, but very painful and wrong nevertheless. So I sort of have a bit of both perspectives.

All I can do right now is pray, and keep reminding myself that God allows all things to work together for the good of those who love Him. The things themselves may not be (or feel) good, but He has a purpose for everything. It's really hard for me to hold to this some days, but I'm pretty sure if I didn't have my Christian faith, I would have been committed to a mental ward (or perhaps would have done something far more stupid and dreadful) by now.

Thanks for your encouragement (and for telling me I have a beautiful family. I think they're pretty special myself!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LL

Okay, Lordslady needs lessons on how not to answer phones, no matter how many times they ring in a row... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Just a couple things. The calls were yestarday afternoon-over and and over. Finally answered, he wanted to know if everything was okay because he couldn't reach anyone anywhere. I resisted saying something sarcastic (very difficult because it's against my nature). We were all fine.

At any rate, the conversation started by telling me that his employer did pay him his full paycheck even though he missed three days last week (small business--sick leave is paid on an "if we feel like it or not" basis), so I can take my full amount from him again this week. Okay, that was about finances and was permissible.

Went from there to telling me not to get son a cell phone because WH got another one with his $100 credit (instead of replacing his piece of junk phone) and added a family plan. Well, guess who has grabbed onto new fancy phone?? Yes, the OW (I'm sure she didn't have to work too hard to get it). That still ticks me off, but it's not my business. The new phone will do txt msg, his own phone will now receive them, but still won't seem to send. His comment on her having a phone--if things get ugly and she won't give it back, I'm willing to give up $100. It'll be useless if it is inactivated.

Anyway, I don't want to know any more about OW so changed subject. I did comment that he sounded much more sober this week when I'd talked to him. He said other than one day when he had a shot of whiskey and a beer, and the last two days when he'd had one beer per day, that's all he's had. I commended him on doing much better (I know, it's not AA, but at least he's been coherent enough to think about what he's doing right now--though I doubt he's remained sober last night.)

He asked again if I'd see him. I said "no, not until you break contact and prove it." He said something to the effect that this will hopefully all be worked out by April. (Uh huh...starting to sound like the dates Believer's WH gives her.)

And then he said "We ARE still married, you know."

That comment goes WAY back. It's the comment he made over and over during the time I'd filed for divorce 12 years ago and he was very worried I was going to go through with it. So he kept reminding me we were still married.

My question: They're obviously still together, so he's obviously still in his fog. I'm still taking his calls, so I'm obviously still stupid <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , but I did try yesterday to let them roll to voice mail. He just was relentless--kept calling and calling both my cell and my work phone while I was there. But I haven't seen him since Plan B night and I'm NOT seeing him and I'm sticking to that, no matter HOW hard it is.

(Okay, that wasn't my question...this is:) Is it too risky right now for me to grab onto the possibility that there is still a fair amount of hope that we'll end up back together and not divorced? I just need something to keep me going, but I don't want to believe something falsely and then really get whacked when it doesn't happen.

Opinions??

LL

LL, you are not in Plan B, so let's not even pretend like it. You are in contact with him whenever and wherever HE CHOOSES. Because he is still in control. You are not in control and he knows that.

Talking about finances is not "permissable." No contact is not contingent upon the SUBJECT. No contact means no contact. When you continue to break contact like this, your H knows that he can play you like a fiddle and that you didn't mean what you said in your PBL.

tell him if he calls you more than once (unless someone is dieing) you will immediately file for divorce (or restraining order, multiple phone calls is harassment). (I assume you have voicemail on all phones)...tell him to leave a message, and you will call back if you see any need to do so.

Hang in their LL, if you want a better life, this is the cliff you must climb to the promised land...whether than includes spouse or not is up to him..

Sufdb,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> tell him if he calls you more than once (unless someone is dieing) you will immediately file for divorce (or restraining order, multiple phone calls is harassment). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unless one is in plan D, I though you were supposed to avoid LB regardless. This I see as a huge LB--especially the divorce threat or restraining order. I'd have to be willing to follow through with it, and I have no intentions of filing for D right now or filing a restraining order. I want him to think good of me, not hateful thoughts. I want him back in the end. I still have a lot of love feelings for him.

He does have text messaging (can at least receive them) now. This may help some.

ML,

You are completely correct - I'm doing a very lousy job. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> It's gone downhill. The only thing still going for me is my total refusal to see him in person at all. I am NOT strong, and I'm having a very difficult time making it clear not to call me. I tried, obviously in too gentle a way.

I did leave him a test text last night to see if it was really working (so that now I know I can correspond that way if I must). He left a voice message this morning in response that he got the txt message and is currently in possession of both his phones.

However, he went on to say he saw the movie "The Passion" last night (this means with OW so of course--date for them, pain for me) and that I should not see it because it will totally mess me up, that it is really horrifying.
All I can pray at this moment is that he truly thinks on some of what he saw last night, and
thinks about how he's walking away from the One who went through all that for him, and that maybe some good can come out of it that way.

I did not return his voice message. I'll probably just shut my cell phone off today. I hate to keep it off, because if DD needs to call me and I'm out, it's her only way, but if I keep it off, WH can't reach me either.

None of you guys answered my original question. Do you see his conversation from yesterday as hope for us eventually getting back together, or is all still lost (if I do better at getting my act together.)

(If you haven't noticed by my pattern, weekends are very tough for me, I think because I know he's with HER the entire time doing things that we should be doing.)

LL

<small>[ March 07, 2004, 01:37 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

I just read one of Spider Slayer's (Amy's) posts and at the end it talked about trusting God, letting go of trying to control the situation, having faith, relaxing, trusting, etc. THAT is what I need to do.

Okay all, so I just txt msg'd my WH with the following--still wimpy but didn't want to completely LB but still get point across. Did I blow it again (ML-I expect nothing less than brutal honesty from you!):

"Request asked with love: please cut voice calls to occasional. As long as you are still in contact w/her I can't be w/you. Too painful. Praying for you - that you make the right choice for your future, but living my life outside the center ring until then. I won't share my spouse with another woman and remain a part of it."

Too late to take it back--it's been sent, so just tell me what you think.

LL

LL

I think that was good, but I am absolutely no professional or expert on this.

From what I am seeing and reading from your posts is that you are still living for your WH instead of yourself. You really do need to relax and let go a little. I know exactly how you feel, believe me........I didn't think I could ever live without my H. The thing is he isn't your H, he is your WH. You don't want him right now, and you don't want him to see you the way you are right now. You need to get to a point where you can concentrate on you and only you. Every now and then I think about where my WH might be and that kind of stuff, but I have found that I feel better if I don't think about it. As hard as that sounds and is to do. Sit down and meditate or something when you feel like calling or txt messaging him. Just don't do it! Bite your finger, do anything. Get on your knees and pray instead. Ask god for his hand in guidance for your WH. Post, do anything but live for him right now. Live for you, it is so much easier for the heart. We are here for you and we all know how difficult this time is for you! Hugs.

NY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong>

Okay all, so I just txt msg'd my WH with the following--still wimpy but didn't want to completely LB but still get point across. Did I blow it again (ML-I expect nothing less than brutal honesty from you!):

"Request asked with love: please cut voice calls to occasional. As long as you are still in contact w/her I can't be w/you. Too painful. Praying for you - that you make the right choice for your future, but living my life outside the center ring until then. I won't share my spouse with another woman and remain a part of it."

LL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LL, "occasional" contact *IS* contact. Plan B is NO contact, not occasional contact. Occasional contact is probably just dandy with him. He can get his occasional "fix" and still carry on his adulterous life without repurcussions.

LL -

The main message of my thread is SURRENDER.

Surrender control, surrender expectation, surrender yourself.

YOU cannot make this turn out one way or the other. YOU cannot make him do something.

Even if you follow Plan B with NO CONTACT, there is no guarantee that your WH will CHOOSE to come home.

Not until you SURRENDER, can recovery for anything begin.

Is it easy to let go? No. Is it easier for me to let go than you? No. It is as hard for everyone on these boards to do as it is for you to do.

You have no monopoly on loving your WH. You do not love yours more than I love mine. I am doing what I am doing because it is the best chance our M has. Because my WH is incapable of helping himself.

YOU are perpetuating harm in your M. You are not making anything better. You have full knowledge, full support, full comprehension of your actions, and you refuse to surrender yourself to reality.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Why cannot you stop yourself from contacting your WH, and I can? Why can you not?

All I can say at this point is what NY said in her post. Get down on your hands and knees and pray for the strength. He is the only one who can give it to you. His grace is enough to sustain you.

You must believe that.

SS