Lordslady & hope

Read my posting. I blew my plan B big time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But i thought i share with you what i found out from WH.

You know how in plan B you really really wonder what WS think about? What they feel? If they are happy and going on with their life? Having fun time with OW?

NOT AT ALL!!! I found out...WS misses me terribly in Plan B! Every day and night he told me. He could not get ME out of his mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Mine was not happy in plan B...he was in pain for me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So trust Plan B...it works somehow...keep to no contact...Plan B is to make them feel the pain of NC and hopefully that will make them make the right decision.

I am going back on the wagon and try again. Keeping my fingercross that i won't fall again.

ZC

Thanks for that info. Very helpful. As I was sitting here tonight wondering how my WH likes going 7 days in a row without seeing or hearing from his 3 YO son. He has to feel like sh** on the bottom of a shoe you know? I would never break NC ever, ever....unless someone died. Honestly, this has been the best thing in the world for me. I can see why Harley recommends this. NC means no pain, it means not seeing that person, it means going on with your life. I am like Believer, I love it. In fact I love it so much I might just live with my kids for the rest of my life.....no one to answer too! This has done a world of good. I went from 1st H right to 2nd H so I have been married since I was 19. I am 35 now and I actually like being by myself. Of course once I have to pay all the bills alone and all that it might not be such a cake walk. But for now I will keep eating the cake and I will not break NC. And you just gave me even more inspiration and hope and a big reason not to. Thanks....good luck to you also. Hugs.

NY

SS,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why cannot you stop yourself from contacting your WH, and I can? Why can you not?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believe me--I ask myself this ALL the time. I know it's doing harm--and I'm very angry with me for it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly a Christian at all. Have I really made Jesus my Lord? I truly believed I had, and I trust him for my salvation, but I keep screwing up so bad I'm not sure who I am sometimes.
-------------------------------------------
Have I screwed it up beyond repair. Yes, ML, the text did say "occasional voice contact". I know that's stupid. I should have said "none". I lost my guts and occasional seemed better than all the time.

I still haven't figured out a go-between for things like, well, this week DS has to get glasses. I can't afford full price. Need 1/2 of all medical from WH. Need to tell him this. How? Things like that. Other than that, or if DD goes missing again, I see no reason for contact.

And you're all right, now that he's starting to drag relationship talk into it, it's making me miserable again because all I can think of is OW and how happy they must be.

Zizzy, I hope you're right, and that's he's miserable missing me most of the time.

And SS and all of you, I know you love your H's just as much as I love mine. Your strength through all this is amazing. I want it, too. I do feel calmer around the house with him not here. I just feel like a piece of me has been ripped away, though, because I've never had a life without him in it somehow. Never even seriously dated anyone else. So it's really hard to look beyond "us" or at least the memories of us.

And the sermon today at church was about marriage. Tough topic for me right now.

Again, I go from hoping, to feeling like I'm an utter failure because I for whatever reason can't find the strength you guys have, to just thinking I should file D right now because I'm going to screw things up so badly, that's where they're going to end up anyway. And that's NOT what I want.

Vicious circle! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

LL

At this moment, I feel like life has ended...

Like I said, I left a text (commented on earlier). WH left a message back while my phone was off saying he got first txt (it was actually just something short--not the one I mentioned), but that the second one (the BIGGIE) came through all garbled. He wanted me to know he loves me, he misses me, and he's working on things...

I felt really peaceful for a few minutes, but he HAD to know that I need contact diminshed. So I called, got his voicemail, and left basically the same message in person, except that I said we needed to take it to very limited contact, but that no contact would be even better, because the pain of everything is really getting to me again as I talk to him more, because I want to believe everything is okay, but it's not. Told him that when he broke contact with OW, that I would love to resume contact with him again. Ended the message by saying I loved him and missed him, too, and that I was praying for him that he would make the right decisions for his future.

Fast forward about 20 minutes: Cell rings--I run upstairs to grab it, not thinking that it's probably him, and say "Hello?"

His VERY hateful and VERY angry words, "Don't worry. You won't hear another f***ing peep out of me!!" (He hung up before I could say anything.)

I called back (stupid), in tears, he'd shut his phone off. Left a message through the sniffles that I didn't mean it to push him away, that I still love him VERY much and want so much for our marriage to be renewed, but just that talking to him all the time isn't helping. I know my ending comments trailed off in tears.

How freakin' dumb am I? Where is my faith? I am really hating myself as a wife, as a person, and as a failure of a Christian right now.

Maybe this whole deal isn't to work in WH's heart but is to take me to the bottom so that one way or another, I have to hand over control to God. I want to do that anyway, but no matter how hard I try, I keep failing at it.

(Okay, phone just rang again and I answered it. WH again. I'm afraid now. He was crying, telling me I was f'ing cold. Telling me he can't take this any longer. Telling me he didn't want to live. He says he has no one. Then he said just a minute... And his call ended. He won't pick the phone back up.)

I don't think he's suicidal, but I'm worried about him. Now what do I do?? Do I just assume he's okay? Do I call someone? I don't know what to do. If he did ever harm himself and I didn't help, I'd blame me forever.

LL

LL!!! I am cyber-slapping the sh** out of you right now! Good grief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish there was stronger punctuation than just an exclamation point!!!!!

Doesn't your cell have caller ID? Don't they all? You know it is him. You did not run up the stairs thinking it was anyone besides him. You are lying to yourself. Stop it!!!!!!!!

He is an ADULT. You are not his MOTHER. He knows what is required, and like a 3 year old, he is trying to get out of it.

Don't you remember your son at 3? Or 6? Is your WH acting any different? He has to do work, he has to be accountable, and he doesn't want to.

And you tell him over and over again that he doesn't have to be.

Perhaps you do need to get to the end of yourself, before you can turn and put it in God's hands. Before you can surrender, and let God hold YOU in the palm of His hand.

Melody is not going to be happy with you. I am not happy with you. You are not happy with you.

These are your decisions. You are capable of being in control. You choose not to be, just like him. Right now you two are not good for each other at all. You are codependent.

Break the cycle. Do you want your children in this hell when they grow up????????

Lighthouse. Be the lighthouse. Not the fuel for his fire of self-destruction.

SS

Plan B is Plan B.

don't call and don't ask. Go dark. Plan B won't work if you don't follow the rules.

Take one day at a time. For a start...if he calls...do not pick up that call. Let it ring or unhook the phone.

Let us take tiny steps and go along that way.

Dear LL:

Calm down. Take a deep breath, put one hand in the other, hold tight. Tell yourself: I can do this. I will do this right.

You have to stop this phone terror. Turn off your cell. Do not answer any calls. If your phone is off, you will not hear it ring, everything will go to voicemail.

Obviously your H cares a great deal about you. So now stop giving him LBs and ammunition to like OW. No contact is just that: no contact. It is no rocket science...simply start by turning the phone off. Do not call him back.

He is still in contact with OW. Getting her a new phone - aren't you angry LL? Very angry about him. Let that anger kick in a little when he is trying to manipulate you again. Do not call him back. Stop being so fixated on him.

You showed him that you still love him, but he needs to break contact with OW before you two can work on the marriage. LL, be firm.

AND TURN THAT PHONE OFF!!!

OK, two things. First, an apology to you, LL.

I am sorry. I did not mean to yell at you. I know you are hurting and confused. All of this does not feel natural, does not feel good.

But you must trust the process. You must. These are tried and proven techniques. Your situation is incredibly complex with the alcoholism. I can only imagine your feelings right now. I have compassion for you.

I do believe that you will not find peace until you can unplug from him. He enrolls you in his chaos. How can you be his peace and stability when you get all caught up in his chaos?

I know I am not one to talk, since I can get enrolled in my WH's crap, too. But I am not in Plan B. You need to be in Plan B because of your circumstances.

Lots of love and hope and prayers for you. No more slapping.

And my second apology is for saying that Melody will not be happy with you. I can speak for nobody except me. So, sorry, Melody. I just lost control of my senses momentarily.

HUGS to all. SS

SS, Liza, Zizzy and all...

I needed the cyber slap. You can't believe what a mess I've made of things in one 24-hour period. Bear with me--may be long even for me:

* Gave WH very mixed messages. Answered phone nicely. (yes, DO have caller ID--just often grab it without thinking--probably because hoping it's him.) Talked. Then later sent a message saying no contact. No wonder he's confused and ticked off at me. I am totally failing Plan B and pushing him away and LBing and feel at this point why would he want to come to me?

* Am VERY worried about his health/safety. Tomorrow is his 39th Bday. I know he's really feeling the pressure of all that is going on. This probably prompted the sobbing and the feeling that he doesn't want to live because he's so messed up. But because I was cold and said "no contact" at precisely the wrong spot, now I don't know if he's alive or dead, and if it were the latter, I will never forgive myself.

* What more could I possibly screw up? I got in my car and was actually going to break my n/c rule with him. Drove to his apt to make sure he was okay. He's not there. Drove by the shop he works at (because he did still have one gun there). He's not there either. Not sure where he is. Left text and voice messages asking to just let me know that he's okay, to not just say something like that and then say "just a minute" and never come back Told him it was cold to do that, and to please just let me know he's okay.

* Final message left for him just a few minutes ago--punctuated by sobs on my part (not word for word because it was 4 minutes long): I do love you. I am not trying to push you away. I know Sheryl (mutual friend) thinks otherwise and we just had another very heated conversation because I called to ask if she'd heard from you or thought you might be suicidal. I know I've left mixed messages, and I know I'm not meeting your needs. I just can't do that when you're giving what you should be giving to me to someone else. If you want her or want no one at all, please just let me know that, so that I will stop hoping and praying. Right now I'm praying for us, and am praying that you'll come back to God (I'm sure that made him even angrier..). Again, I love you so much.

And now I'm sick, mostly at myself for being such a screwed-up basket case. I got an earful from mutual friend about how my plan was going to drive him right into OW's arms (okay?) and why in the world would he want to come back home where his needs aren't being met at all, if he can go somewhere where some of them are being met.

Let me say--I don't buy her expertise over that of the professionals, and I actually hung up on her but she called back and got DD and demanded she could speak to me. I decided listening was better than the ugliness that could follow if I hung up again.

And then I got the story of how I'm too lax with my DD (and I know I have been, I've allowed everyone to have their way and to walk on me). I heard how she shouldn't have been allowed to go anywhere for a month after pulling the all-nighter last weekend. Probably true, but I want so much to trust her, and I love her and want to give her the benefit of the doubt, so I only grounded for a weekend and then have given her priveledges again this week. Caught H*** for that.

And why haven't I been down on my knees praying instead of doing all this? Because I feel like I'm so far away (and such a doubter) that my prayers can't even be heard right now.

Do I doubt that God can do anything? No. Am I afraid His will and my will may be vastly different? Yes! Can I change that? No. Am I trying? Yes...

I can't tell you how much of a failure I feel like right now except to say that for a brief moment, I felt like running in the house and downing all 40-some Xanax I have in the bottle. Fortunately, it was a fleeting thought. I've never attempted it and pray to God I never get to the point that I do. I just think stupid things once in a while.

I want the strength you all have. Here I am expecting a man to give up the OW which will be very difficult, and I can't let him go either.

I'm feeling very damned if I do, damned if I don't tonight. I really am on the edge. I feel like maybe tomorrow I should just contact a D-attorney, end the pain for everyone, and maybe also give custody of my DD to her father. They're very much alike, but he's much more stern than I am. I could give him and the kids the house, pay them child support because I make more than he does, live in an effeciency apt of my own, work, and just remove myself from all of it before I cause any more harm.

Can you tell, I do believe I'm the one who caused this mess, and I also believe strongly in self-fulfilling prophecy (not anything wacky or against God there--just simply that if you worry about something happening so much, you can actually set up the scenario that causes it to happen.)

I do hope if God is taking me to the bottom, that I hit soon. I feel like I'm already there, but I just keep sinking.

Not a very inspiring post, huh? Today I'm back to where I was before I found this board.

Not your faults--think where I'd be had I not found it. So how do I find out if he's okay? Can I call his shop tomorrow and find out if he came in? And assuming he IS okay, can I use his not getting back to me tonight when I asked that question as a reason to ignore calls from here ever after, or have I LB'd so bad that he now has no reason to ever think of me again anyway.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

LL

LL.

1st of all {{{{cyber hug}}}}. I am sorry you are feeling so down. Remember this:

1. Your H is an alcoholic.
2. WS are given to threats scaring the BS and family.
3. You can not protect the WS from everything in life.
You couldn't even protect your H from everything
It is 100x harder to protect a WS who seeks out
destructive paths.
4. Stop calling your WS. Wait until he shows signs of
being your H and then make contact.
5. A WS will use your fears against you. An H will not.
6. The more you contact a WS while in plan B the
longer it will take.

Let me share a piece of my story. Back in 2001, I received a 'distress call' while I was on my way home from work . It was the WS calling to say that he decided to ended it all. There were more words so the thought I got was that he was sudical. His family has a history of bipolar disorders, 1 brother commited suicide (schizophrenic) and WS had considered suicide an option just previously. So with all that running through my mind, his words and me driving down the freeway, I called 911. Gave the dispatcher the WS' cell # and gave the conversation verbatum. I was told that they considered it a viable threat and that they would handle it.

I continued to drive to the babysitters home. When I got there practically in tears, the police called to say the WS was located in a motel just 1/2 mile from my work. Evidently the OW and WS fought, he said he was going end it all and did mean it was his life but when the police came he looked distraught and told a different story. OW left like a bat out of h3ll! I got a call from that witch accusing me of ruining the WS life.

What both the WS and OW didn't know was that I was on line with one of the 4 officer's who showed up at the motel and was getting a play by play recap. I asked the officer to tell me if anything I did was out of line and was reassured I was not. The OW had the nerve to tell me that the police called me crazy. What a nut. I had evidence otherwise. In fact, I called the police the next day to thank them for their assistance and ask if I did the right thing. Again I was reassured I did. The officer I spoke with was the same one and she said the OW left because she didn't want to be seen by the police. Hm......, so how could the OW know what the police said? I questioned the WS and he said he did not tell her anything like that so she was clearly making it up. I know she was home by that time because she e-mailed me to tell me off royally. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

So it goes with the nuts in their A. My advice is protect yourself and your family. Realize you can't protect a WS so don't. No R talk with your WS. Wait until he shows he is an H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JMHO,
L.

PS.. MelodyLane, I'm sure SS is VERY correct and that you are VERY unhappy with me. Please feel free to cyber-club me yourself. Please don't go away. You and all the others are the voice of reason. I have none right now. I have no one to call, no one to talk to ... you guys are it.

-------------------------------------------
And just a little FYI on what I'm dealing with in addition to the WH:

1) DS soon to fly the nest to college 120 miles away. I'll be going from happy, whole family to basically empty nest in one year, since DD is now in HS and is out most of the time with friends, and WH is with the OW.

2) DD's school/behavior problems. Always difficult with ADHD, but since the A, expelled from HS, drinking, smoking (all behind my back), possibly having sex (though adamently denies it). Now in alternative HS. Trying to be a mom while coping with this, and have not done a great job.

3) Work--horribly stressful. Taking my new employee through annual audits--much more time consuming for me because I'm training in addition to my real job. Have two accounting vacancies in the field so trying to do their jobs as well, and failing. During all this, we're in a 2+ year long system conversion that has not gone well. Lots of hours required, but not willing to give as much, because that's what toasted my marriage and because my energy is just gone, so falling way behind.

5) Losing lots of weight with all this. Eating, but nothing is sticking. Nothing fits. No money to buy new clothes, but can only safety pin for so long. Went out today and spent $120 on more clothes (hard to find 4-talls) and even they're a littl large, but will have to do. I don't look anorexic yet, but I'm starting to look really tired and haggard, and the weight loss hasn't helped.

4) I take care of my parents' bills because my mom gambled all their money (what little they had)away before anyone realized it. They have nothing. So each month I pay their bills with Dad's pension $, and then get calls all month from mom asking for money from dad's account because she's low. (She's low because she still gambles it away at bingo and occasonally at the riverboat casino, but I have to give her $ anyway because if I don't, there won't be groceries or medicines for them.) And I know my mom needs the escape, so it's hard to fault her. She's in a little town of 300 people miles from anything decent.

5) My father is losing his mind. We suspected early-stage alzheimer's for a while, and it's really hard to watch the dad I love forget so much, but then he ended up with pneumonia just before Christmas and nearly died (1st time he's been in the hospital since I was a little kid). They found that he has COPD (i.e., trashed lungs) from smoking all his life, so he's now on the patch, except that mom has recently quit buying them because she needs her money to gamble. And then the pneumonia episode really did something bad to Dad's brain. He went from repeating sentences before it happened, to now not even knowing he's in his own house half the time. He doesn't always recognize my voice on the phone, and he almost got lost coming home from town a few days ago.

* This brings me to the last point: Soon, we will probably be faced with putting dad in a nursing home. I HATE that idea, but there will be no other choice if his mind keeps failing. He won't be safe unsupervised at home. They have no money. This means find whatever Medicaid home will take him, no matter what it's like. It means pulling my dad out of the house he remodeled when I was a baby and has lived in all his life. And it means that my mom will lose his pension because Medicaid will require most of it as his payment per month, which then means WHO GETS MOM? She won't be able to afford where she is, so she'll probably have to come live with either me or my sister.

I feel like the entire world is teetering on my shoulders sometimes. I need stability SO bad. And I know who can give it to me--Jesus! So WHY can't I feel the peace? Why can't I just let go and let God? Why can't I just relax and let be whatever is supposed to be? He has to be so angr with me right now because I can't just give up. I don't even know what I'm hanging on to. I just keep trying to juggle all the balls.

So, long post...long vent...long I don't know what. Depressing...not uplifting. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I want to be like you guys.

LL

OK, LL, calm down.

You are where I was a while ago. I wanted to move to another state, leave WH with the kids and the house and just get away!

But then I realized I would be leaving my children with a man who is lost to himself, depressed, and not making good decisions.

And while I was not making the best decisions either, they were and still are WAY better than his.

LL, you have a pattern of behavior that alarms me. You know what you do, you know it doesn't work, yet you continue to do it, and expect different results. That is the definition of insanity, BTW.

You are the only one who can do this for you and your kids right now. Make an appointment with an IC, or your doctor. For all of you (you and the kids).

You need help, your kids need help. I am very worried about you.

Please make appointments. Please do not contact him again. Please leave him alone. Please unplug yourself.

God will hear your voice, even if it is not very strong right now. That is how it all has to start. Very small, very weak. Then, in time, it all gets bigger and stronger. I promise. Leap of faith. Surrender. Let go. Take care of you and your kids.

SS

SS,

I think I was posting my last post at the same time you sent. It may explain a little of the insanity. At any rate, I already do see an IC, and I have seen my Dr. and am in A/D and tranquilizers. (I think I forgot to mention that my mother has a LONG history of clinical depression and is, I think, obcessive/compulsive.) And she can outworry me any day.

I actually told an IC I was seeing 2 years ago that I was worried I was going to wake up some morning and not know who or where I was, and I meant it. (Right after 9/11 I totally freaked out, and then 3 weeks later my H had a bad cycle accident that could have killed him but landed him in the hospital). Out of all this (though you can't tell now) came a real recommittment to Jesus. I'd been pretty backslidden for years. I was going to church & living decently, but he really wasn't in my heart where he needed to be. This did it, and I can look back and say for the most part, I've grown steadily as a Christian since that point--until this hit.

I don't know what else to do, except pray, pray, pray, and plead for others to pray for me because if I'm living in sin (and I most definitely am with my worry and my doubts), I'm not sure God hears my prayers.

I want to be strong. I want to believe that my WH is still alive and that I haven't totally botched things with my lousy attempt at Plan B. I just don't know what to do next. Write another Plan B letter, recognize that I gave him mixed messages over the last couple weeks, but tell him that at this point because of all that has happened, I MUST stop contact until he decides?

LL

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 12:19 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong>Write another Plan B letter, recognize that I gave him mixed messages over the last couple weeks, but tell him that at this point because of all that has happened, I MUST stop contact until he decides?

LL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LL, you stop contact until *YOU* decide. You are driving the train, not him. I would just go dark and forgo yet another message. If he happens to talk to you, just ask if he has ended contact. If not refer to your Plan B letter and tell him not to contact you until the affair has ended and he has STOPPED DRINKING. THEN you can discuss things.

P.S. you really need to get to Alanon. All this chronic manufactured high drama is what is wearing you down. This is typical in an alcoholic family, they love all this chaos and insanity. It helps keep the focus off the real problem, which is the alcoholic's drinking and your co-addiction. I feel sorry for your kids.

ML,

It is good to see you are still around. I feel sorry for my kids, too, if it's any consolation. They've been through h*** this last year.

I know, I probably am not dealing with anything more than anyone else in this world is, but I'm not handling it well. I am tired--very tired--physically and emotionally.

Where I'd like to turn to parents, I can't. I'm their parent. Where I'd like to turn to friends, I can't--I don't have many. I have one sister--she has her own problems. So that leaves this board--and it's a blessing. And God--and why I can't hand it over to him is what's further messing me up.

Maybe SS is right. Maybe I am insane? I've gone full circle from being this way, to gaining quite a bit of strength, to feeling like I was really going to survive, to being this way again.

And I ask again--have I totally blown it with him? Did I blow my one and only chance?

(And I ask, why do I love him in the first place?)

LL

LL -

You are not insane. Your actions are crazy, and do not support your goal, but you are not insane.

You are scared and overwhelmed and undersupported. Good grief. I would be, too.

I have to run my DS to school, I'll post back in a few.

Lots of love and support! Chat at you soon.

SS

I think I'm no longer thinking coherently as of today. Still worried about WH's being alive, I drove by the shop this morning and saw no truck which further scared me. So I called them to ask if he'd come in. They had to go check. When she came back, she said "Yes, he's here. He'll call you in a little while."

Not being sure I actually wanted called I shut my cell phone off. Walked into work, work phone was ringing. Picked it up--it was him.

Conversation went something like this:

"You know, I have 1000 mobile to mobile minutes. What the F am I doing burning up my peak minutes calling you on your work phone? What the F do you want?"

"I want to know why you scared the F out of me last night."

(Click....from his end...)

---------------------------------------------
Being insane, I called back (NOBODY hangs up on me). Of course, no answer so I left a message that, through more tears, said I was worried about him last night because the last words out of his mouth before he disappeared were that he didn't want to live. I drove around town looking for him. I felt it was very cold and cruel of him to play me like this and this is the whole reason I need to be out of the picture. I told him I did still want to be married but that I felt he didn't anymore, and that he was pushing me toward D, and that my resolve was weakening. I told him I might be contacting an attorney soon to end this mess.

So you see, I have now LB'd beyond anyone's wildest dreams because I've thrown in the D word. It is the last thing I want, yet today I am in so much pain (between him scaring me and not caring enough to let me know he was okay, and the thought that he did get HER a phone.)

I'm at a point today where I think I am going to start calling attorneys. I want a good one if I have to do this. Am I giving up if I do? Yes. Will I hurt and regret it for the rest of my life? Probably. I just can't take the pain he's causing right now, and I don't see that he has any intentions of ever changing. It's all going to be my fault.

Like Melody said, she feels sorry for my kids. I do, too. What have I done to my family for the last 19 years? I am a neurotic wacko. It's no wonder WH can't live with me and ran to her. I doubt I'll ever find anyone who can live with me. But I did it to myself, and I feel like I need to take it all the way and end it now.

Maybe if I do file and go through with it, WH can heal.

LL

LL -

Snap out of your pity-party. It is natural, it is understandable, but now is not the time. As my aunt told me, "I'll let you know when the time comes for you to feel sorry for yourself. Right now you have to take care of yourself and your kids."

He is an alcoholic. He is having an A. He is out of his mind. He is going to hurt you! He is going to scare you! That is why you are supposed to be in Plan B.

If you continue to react to him, you are going to end up in a nut house. Literally. Your mental state is deteriorating. We cannot do this for you. You are going to have to grow up, I am afraid.

I had to do the same thing. I have been with my WH since I was 16. I never knew my father, and my mother has been in a nursing home since I was a teenager, because of MS and brain damage. All my relatives, except the above-mentioned aunt, live in another city. And I am not close with them, since my mom moved us to this other city when I was 7. I thought I would die if anything ever happened to my WH. He was my whole life.

Then the unthinkable - he left me. He left me!!!! I cried, I wailed, and chased, I screamed, I called, I emailed, I didn't have a clue! Then, I realized that what I thought would kill me, didn't. I was still breathing. I wasn't eating, wasn't happy, but I was alive.

Some days, for many weeks, I literally got through my pain and confusion and fear second by agonizing second. I would not go back to those days for anything. But you have to live through them to get past that stage. You are stuck at that horrible stage.

You should take some deep breaths. Look at your life and make a list of what you can control and what you cannot. Then come here and post your list. Let's look at one thing at a time.

I have to go cook now, but I will check in later this afternoon, as I'm sure other members will be looking in on you.

Be calm. No more phone calls. Make a list. Post it.

SS

ll, regardless of what contribution you are making to this mess, it isn't all your doing....you should be feeling crazy and overwhelmed, the stuff with your parents is bad enough itself, add in DD, work and such...and you have a recipe for major depression, you are normal for someone stessed to the max and scared out of their bloomers, it's ok. Try to do something, anything, but something significant for yourself on a regular (even daily) basis, that is really important. Your kids will have to sort their own lives out, they are essentially adults, all you can do is mentor, and lend a helping hand.....your H you are getting good advice on, your parents are a big worry..try to get your sister (and anyone else related) to help solve this, start a file on the nursing home issue etc... and then go out for a hot fudge sundae (well maybe not, but that is how I cope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />