Well the truth is he hates himself...
and i'm not saying that for lip-service...or for the sake of using trite cliches...

I am saying it because the truth is that his actions have direct consequances on his life and the lives of others...

and he can not face that...so he does exactly what human nature guides us to do...
blame others...

says he can never trust me again. Has lost all faith in me.

he says this to you...THIS THIS
the epitomy of hypocrosy...who is here that really has proven to be untrust worthy??...

but you are somehow untrust worthy because you spoke of your pain....to someone...

or because you protected your children when people used really scary terms ...like

for the sake of the kids..
what's best for the kids...

does this make sense...

and i know it hurts you....

He projects on to you all the negative things he feels and believes of himself...even through all his denial he knows deep deep down it is insane to expect your children to be exposed to his OW...

I mean in the game of family fued top ten answers on the board of what is an insane expectation of the WS for the BS to do...

in the top three is have the children go to scout meetings...with the OW for their "own good"

Hate is an easy but exhausting emotion...it will run its course...
especially when where ever he turns...even to his own mother...they do not sympathize...will he run to the OW to cry and wail victim...perhaps..but it is sad when the company one chooses is based soley on being free of accountability..
it has no value when the people you surround yourself with lack values...

He should fear your apathy more than you should fear his wrath I kid you not on that...

MT said I screwed up making a unilateral decision and everything I had gained I lost, plus more.

Well your therapist is dead wrong on this...because you are the only one standing up to the rights of your children to not be into forced exposure to dad's "soulmate"....

and you had no choice but to make that unilateral decision because your husband had chance after chance to compromise or change....and you should set your therapist right on that point...that the only other thing he ever offerred was gaining an OW as a pretend role model in a scouting troop for the sake of the children.and make believing it was anything else but husbands fix was not even a choice but something that had to occurr.

.and that in that move you gained way more than even you can appreciate at this time of pain....versus anything she can say you lost...

husband not real comfortable with his reality that he created...
oh well
boo hoo.
he will either grow from this or he will wallow in self pity and self destruction...


I would have done exactly what you have done...
over my dead body would I expose my children to their fathers girlfriend under the guise of scouting...
never ever never ever never...

ARK

{{{{{{{{{AmyMaree}}}}}}}}}

You are so strong and brave! I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Your H is angry because he has been shocked into reality.

Stay strong. You did the right thing for your boys. Well done.

Amy Maree

Big hug for you from me in NY. I am sorry things didn't go well. I am here for you and you have my number. Ark is right in MO. You take care of you and those boys. By doing that you pissed him off. Oh well! Who else is going to look out for their best interests if their mom isn't? You did just fine. Lots of love and hugs.

Amy,

So let me get this straight...the MC agrees that it's harmful for your boys, but you're supposed to wait for the agreement of your fogged spouse, who walked out on his family, to make a joint decision when the wellfare of your little boys is at stake while you wait???? Oh that's good reasoning *ACK*!!! Amy, your husband is going to be furious as his fantasy world tumbles and falls and he has to accept real consequences for his actions. You can't prevent that unless you enable his affair. If you enable his affair...you have no marriage. There is an ENORMOUS difference between enforcing HEALTHY boundaries and making unilateral decisions. Don't you dare let that MC convince you that you've compromised your chances or are responsible for the mess your H has created. I'd like to make a suggestion. Give the Harley's or cerri a call....if only for yourself.

I'm just so mad for you.

ark,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would have done exactly what you have done...
over my dead body would I expose my children to their fathers girlfriend under the guise of scouting...
never ever never ever never...

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me add a few NEVER EVER NEVERs!!!! Not in this lifetime!!!!

Somedays I just seems like a whole lot of folks must be just smoking crack or something. Sheesh!

(((((((((((((((Amy Maree))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry this went badly. His anger will dissapate. Your MT talked about "what you've gained" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ....What have you gained???? I don't see that you lost much at all...except the pain of knowing you don't have to subject your children or yourself to this travesty. Let the smoke clear and things will settle down. You may be surprised at how brief his anger may actually be. Hang tight.

Your MT is exactly right. There was a unilateral decision made that is threatening your marriage and family. The only thing she is wrong about is who made this unilateral decision. It was your WH. Don't listen to his crap.

WH just called here at home! I gave phone to S. WH wanted to talk to me, but I am on my cell with a friend, and S told him that. Thank God!

So he told S that he was going to send me an email because he wants to talk to me.

When I left IC, he was parked next to me, at his IC appointment. I think he scheduled an emergency session.

What could he possibly want? I might have to draft my Plan B letter sooner than I thought!

It can't be good. Ug. Ug. Double ug ug!!!

Worst case scenario:

He has decided that the boys will NOT be leaving Scouts, he's filing for D, and taking all the money away.

I called his mother. I was worried that he didn't have anyone to talk to, and that he would do something rash. He trusts her. She supports my Scout decision. She could not believe he threw such a fit about changing Troops.

I'll let you know when I know! Ahhhahahahahahagggggggggggahahahahagggggggg!

And I mean it!

Amy

Oh yeah, I am going to consult an attorney as soon as my friend gets me some names that are referred by people we know. That is my next step. Thanks to Star*fish, I know my basic rights. Thanks Star*fish!!!!!!

This is what he sent me:

Well, I don’t think today was very constructive. I was hell bent on getting a lawyer and tearing you apart by the end of that meeting. However, I talked to my counselor and have decided to wait. He would like you to sit in on my next session if you are willing. It will be next Wed at 1pm. If you are unwilling to do that or want to call him about it he can be reached at: *******

What should I do???

Amy

amy,

We can't tell you what to do...but I think it's safe, a good step, and could be productive. It sounds as the though the counselor calmed him down alot and I'm encouraged by that. Don't jump into Plan B too quickly....as long as he doesn't get abusive and stays in counseling...give it some time.

I say go Amy. But I'm not an expert here, hardly one to give advice. But he's already stopped screaming and perhaps listened to reason of his IC, right?

He said you could call him and talk to him about it....so why not feel him out and see what he says?

Oh yeah, good idea, Star*fish! Duh! I'm going to do that right now. I'll keep you posted.

Oh Amy. Tons of hugs to you.

I am so proud of you. You did what was right for your boys. In the face of threats and fury. I am so sorry that your MT was not more supportive of your decision. What did she/he want? For this situation to drag on indefinitely with continued exposure of your sons to this? Your H has been making a lot of his own unilateral decisions with ONLY HIMSELF in mind. You made this decision thinking of your children. Don't allow anyone to put a guilt trip on you.

You said yesterday that if you pulled boys out your H would crash and burn. I say let him crash and burn. That was my instinct when you said it and it is more so now. Let him hit bottom, then maybe he might claw his way out. If not, don't allow him to take you and the boys with him.

While I think most of his fury is about losing his fix,, I think some has to do with an awarenwss that you are not going to allow him to continue pushing you around and will not just continue to accept all of his actions. He is like a small child throwing a tantrum because for once in this sorry saga he is not getting his own way.

You did great. You have shown him that you are prepared to act with integrity and be strong. I think that is a good message for him to get. I am sure you would not want to salvage a marriage where you had to compromise your boys or yourself to remain in it.

As far as his email is concerned, I would say rather than wait a week tearing yourself up about it, call the IC now. I know I would, bit then I am not the most patient of people.

I think too and I could be wrong (I am often) that once you H's anger settles he may rethink his actions.

Stay strong Amy
we all love you
C&S

And another thing.

I think you knew that this situation had to be sorted out sooner or later. It was going to set any attempts at reconciliation back whether it occurred now or later.

Better to get it over with now, rather than allowing it to drag on. In some ways it was holding you back. If it had continued and more progress was made it would have probably negated progress anyway. At least now if progress is made in future, you won't have this bogey hanging over your head.

C&S

BUT . . .

What could he possible have to say to me? I'm not changing my mind about the Scout issue. If this is his lame attempt at changing that, it ain't gonna happen.

I do not want to hear anything else about how much he loves her, how he never loved me, how our M was a mistake. I am done hearing that crap.

He could possibly try and explain his feelings to me regarding himself??? Why would he be interested in doing that now? Why have I not been invited to his session before? Scouts. I am convinced.

I guess I think we need to hire a mediator, not a counselor.

Regarding his statement about wanting to file for D and tear me to shreds, I want to email him back and say, "Go ahead! Take your best shot, I can take it!" Maybe I'll just sing parts of that Pat Benetar song to him.

Any ideas as to what he could possibly say that I would want to hear? I have a call in to his IC, but he was in session and I haven't heard back.

I was so happy and calm and excited about Plan B. I crave Plan B. My love bank is dangerously low, and everything he does, says, and even when I look at him, withdrawals are made.

The person he has become makes me sick and disgusted. To not be able to see past the end of his nose for his own kids' welfare. PUKE!

Screw him! Let him rot in his own poison. Let his wound fester and puss and explode all over him. I want no more part of it. I want to sit back, relax, get to know ME, take care of my boys, cook, do my thing.

IF he ever pulls his giant head out of his pinched a**, cuts all contact with the HW for FOREVER, he can come and ask my forgiveness and if I could possibly see past all of his many shortcomings and work on our marriage.

Period. The end.

Why do I want to go back to anything else?

Amy

You just go girl... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Tear him apart. Leave him for dead. I think you are very low on the love bank, and that if you think Plan B is for you then do it. You know what is right for you and your kids at this time. I would however talk to the counselor like you are going to do and find out what it is about before you plan B. Hugs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Amy Maree -- I want your strength! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LL

Then I think it is time for Plan B.

I do think though that I would talk to his IC. Even if to set your resolve for plan B.

It is clear that you are losing love quickly for WH. Difficult to do good plan A when you are losing love fast.

Time to read up on plan B, write the letter. You already do so much for yourself. Time to think about Amy and boys. Any contact with him seems to be pulling you down. You need to protect yourself from this. Good tome for plan B. Let him crash and burn.

C&S

Amy he said you could call his IC....I didn't mean you should call your husband. What if he had a breakthrough in that office today after he calmed down? Why not see what the IC has to say?

Like Starfish, I meant to call IC. Not husband.

I didn't call WH! Good grief. No way.

I called IC. He just called back. Here is my update.

WH's IC said that he wants to see us together, see what WH is talking about when he says he is frustrated with me.

This IC does not think Plan B is a good idea right now. He thinks NC is building up uresolved issues between us.

BUT, he has asked that I only commit to come one time. He said what would NOT happen is that WH and him would gang up on me.

This would be to help IC to help WH. If it leads to more joint sessions, so be it. But he asked for one meeting. For benefit of WH, so he could help him on a deeper level. This IC has had 14 years experience working with couples, and I believe what he said.

I agreed. So, it is next Tuesday at 1 pm.

I feel safe going there. I told IC my concerns of being target of WH's anger, that I have done nothing to deserve it, and I will not tolerate it projected at me. It is his guilt and shame. He can deal with it himself.

Tell me what you think.

Amy