Here's a quick quote from my own previous thread as background: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> One stupid, stupid thing he did was approach the OM I worked with a few years back and had fooled around with on several occasions. Some of you may recall that I only confessed to that affair back in Nov. or Dec. of 2003. Well my H walked up to this man (at the end of the wine down, long after I'd gone home, and after MANY drinks on his part) and said to him, in front of at least one other colleague AND my BILs, "Just between you and my, my wife says you have a small youknowwhat." It got all sorts of "You're unprofessional" remarks out of that OM and his friend, and my H called me to tell me about all of it, a bit worried that he'd gotten himself into trouble. Although, when he called, I wasn't here, he left a message that was a LIE saying that OM had hit him, just to get me to call him back. I told him he made a stupid choice. When I was at that wine down, I even made polite chit chat with a woman on his staff that he had confessed to kissing at a staff party last month and acted as though I knew nothing, so as to maintain professional decorum. There's no point in getting into what happened with these people (OM or the woman he kissed) at a public event or at all really, it's not productive. He of course said something in regards to how he was struggling still with that confession of an A with that OM and that combined with the alcohol led to what he said. Oh well, his foolish choice. I just hope that's the end of it, a dumb remark, and that I don't hear from that OM or his friend that muttered on about professional conduct.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, that was last Thursday that my H opened his big mouth in public and after told me that a only couple of people witnessed it. Now fast forward to today. There were A LOT of teachers around at that point, including administrators. My H didn't just make a remark about the size of this ex OM's penis, he also pushed OM very hard from behind, and yelled that he (OM) slept with me and that he broke up our marriage. All this in front of teachers that both that OM and I have to work with in this district. So OM starts emailing me today asking to talk, to find out what my H knows about us from way back when. I haven't talked to this OM in years actually. Now it is at the point where both the OM and my H are threatening legal or professional association action one towards the other. I have just gotten off the phone with OM, and then my H. I was trying to get to the bottom of what rotten things are now being said about me in the district. My H has no remorse for slinging mud upon OM, or for what effects it might have on him, his job, or his wife and 2 small kids. He also sure didn't sound like he had any remorse for the hurt it all brings upon me, ruining my reputation as well, although he kept screaming apologies into the phone.

He is such an angry man, stuck in the role of victim who feels he's been hurt so bad, tough, others can suffer too. Why can't he be the kind of victim who says, "This hurts so much, I'd never wish it on another person"???

So slowly but surely, the rumour mill will do it's thing and people will eventually label me an infidel and an adulterer in my school district, the one I took 10 years to build my reputation up in. I guess maybe I need to look at moving away and throwing away 10 years worth of work, leaving behind family and friends and starting fresh.

If only I was just a person who worked in a small industry, in a small office, or who even ran my own business, I'd be fine right now. But I work in a profession where reputation is everything.

Of course my H ended the phone call again telling me how he never wanted a divorce, that I screwed everything up by filing for one right when he was trying his hardest, and that I had no respect for him when he kept trying after I filed, and that I am such an angry person, that I hate him so much, that I really need counselling. I told him he needs it too, and reminded him again that if only we'd both gone for it together we might not be here now. He said something about how the rest of his life will be made up of "if only"s, forever regretting how our marriage ended in divorce.

I know my life is no where near as complicated as that of people recovering from infidelity and who have children, but this hurts so much. I ruined my life when I chose to let myself cheat on my H.

If any of you posters that are still trying to wean yourself from OW/OM are reading this, just cut them off already, end it already, it will only bring you more pain.

I don't know what to do other than pray to God that the rumour mill doesn't work so well, that people look at what my drunk H said as something that reflects badly on him and not me, and if people ever have the nerve to bring it up to my face, I pray that I have the strength to say to them, does what you've heard matter, or does how you know me to be matter?

What the heck can I do? Right now I have to sit back and wait and pray that OM and my H don't launch nuclear attacks on each other, either via lawsuits or sicking the professional association on each other.

Jen (Help, I'm kind of pulling my hair out) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Boy he sure is bitter.

Jen destroying your reputation is a form of control.

Sad sad sad.

Jen,

This is going to sound harsh and I guess it will because it is. You had the A and these are the consequences. Don't be the OTHER victim in your family. You posts sounds alot like victim talk.

Your H and soon to be exH is as you preceived him to be a selfish self-centered jerk, BUT he was a victim of your choices. It does not justify what he has done, but it wasn't unexpected was it??

As for leaving your district, maybe it is a good idea, but one interesting thing about rumors; they only hang around until another one comes along. You have to admit NOTHING to anyone else. If you district super calls you in, admit it, tell him you have worked for two years to rebuild your marriage, and you have stayed away from OM. Given your poor judgement, you have done ALL you can do, so hold your head up.

I think if you don't run and hide, if you don't offer justification or even comments, and if you act with grace and pride, this will pass.

As for your H, it is clear it will never pass, and it is time for you to move on. I hate saying this, but really it is ALL about him, except for the part where he has to admit that he messed up as well, and then it is all about you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Why was your H there? I guess I have forgotten if he is a teacher as well. What is clear is that he was not worried about what this might actually do to him. OM has skated on this, and he shouldn't, but your H isn't handling things well at all.

Nevertheless, deal with it. YOu have to own it, but you can do it with grace and class. In the long run, your remorse, you learning from this, and the class with which you handle this will carry the day.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Indeed JL, my choices started the ball rolling that got me here. I just talked a bit further with my H about all the possible routes of action he or OM could take, and by the end of the phone call I apologized to my H for my original actions that got us here in the first place.

Yes, my H is a teacher too.

And, thanks for reminding me to stick to my philosophy of "the best revenge is living well". Grace and class are the answer.

Jen

I am going to be even more harsh. You got what you deserved.. but not near as much as your STBX got when you "fooled around" with the OM. He has suffered irrepairable damage to his Self-Esteem, lost his wife, and was made to feel less than a man because you could not keep your pants on. It was YOU who damaged your reputation by your unprofessional behavior, not your STBX. Frankly, I think he should have been a little harder on the OM.

I dunno jen, I am kinda with jl in part, set the record straight (with a few trusted individuals who can champion you), hold your head high, and let the storm pass over. You SHOULD NOT be talking with the om, or even your H...they are adults and will reap what they sow....nor do I have any particular sympathy for om, he made that bed, and now must lay in it. Your stbxh has demonstrated again how dangerous he is as a relationship partner.....I personally don't believe you ever had a good marriage, I think you were just inexperienced and unaware of the poor character of your H.....His consistent loutish, abusive, crude, insensitive, dishonest, narcissitic behaviour over the last 2 years provides a true image of who he is....thank everything you hold holy you have found this out at a young age and childless....you are truly a fortunate young woman at this point...and while your professional issues may even require you to relocate or some such...that is trivial in comparison to the prison you narrowly escaped...your glass is 99% full, ignore the other 1% and stay completely out of your H and om fight, you owe neither of them a thing...do not be sucked in, that is what your H wants....also be aware he is not done, when this fails he will most likely try other ways to essentially stalk you in some form or another.

<small>[ March 02, 2004, 10:38 PM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

Sorry to hear about what your H did to you. One of the previous posters was correct...rumors only last until a new one comes along.

<small>[ March 03, 2004, 03:28 AM: Message edited by: mnmbug7 ]</small>

Jen:

JL is right. I think you should stay in the district and BE JEN. Show the world, the people who are important 2 you, just who you are. You made mistakes, your H made mistakes, the OM made mistakes. You're all reaping the consequences of those goofs now. And it's precisely how you handle the harsh criticism and gossip in the weeks and months ahead that will show those around you just what you're made of. Running away won't do it, and you know it (it's also s2pid throwing away 10 years of experience and reputation).

illek:

I'd only suggest you look up Jen's original posts. You don't know the half of it. Jen's "betrayed spouse" essentially set her up, TWICE. He listened outside the door both times and did nothing 2 stop them. Recently, we've learned he's had 2 affairs of his own while they were separated and he was allegedly "working on the M". This has been a dysfunctional relationship for a long time. And it may be one of those that should just end.

regards,
-ol' 2long

Dear Jen,

I'm with JL and 2long - they have articulated much better than I could. I also want to remind you of one thing, whenever you have to face people in public when you might be wondering what they are thinking of you. Remember that in that crowd of people at whatever function you go to, are other people who are having and/or hiding affairs. You are not the only person in that room who ever made these mistakes and these choices. There will be some people in that room who will be judging you harshly, but there will be others who will be watching you, knowing they are guilty of the same faults, and watching to see how you have handled your life, what the effects on your life have been, and how you deal with things from now on. In other words, even though you feel ashamed for your choices in the past, your conduct can still be an example to others, and just the way you conduct yourself now can have an effect on other people's lives in ways you don't even know about.

Whenever you have to go into a crowded room now, remember the story of Jesus and the woman taken in adultery - the crowd was going to stone her, and they asked Jesus what they should do with her. He looked at them all and said quietly "Let he who is without sin among you cast the first stone", and they all turned away, one by one, in shame.

Remember that - you may be ashamed of what you did, but you do not need to run away - you are probably surrounded by people guilty of the same.

LIR

I think there is nothing wrong with anything your H could say to the OM, although shoving is not appropriate. I wish I had been brave enough to have let my H's co-workers and boss know what was going on when I found out, to tell them that he had called the OW to the tune of almost $100 on the company nickel. WHen his boss called one afternoon looking for him, I wish I had told him that he was probably with the OW, though it was only a suspicion at the time. I wish I had been brave enough to "ruin" the reputation of the OW at the school where she and now my H work. There might be fewer affairs if people knew that having the affair was likely to cause their careers to go down the drain.

illek - I went back and found your old post that explains your situation. I guess I can understand your anger as who I am and what I've done correlates quite closely to the actions of your W, if you don't know the particulars of my sitation that is, as others have alluded to. I am sorry for your pain. I went to bed with your post on my mind and guilt tormenting my stomach yet again.

To everyone else, thanks for the posts of encouragement. I really needed to read them. I plan to life my life as best I can from this point forward.

Something odd that is now coming back and really making me wonder: when I talked to my H last night the last time, he again was almost yelling how I was the best he'd ever get, how he was the best I'd ever get....such a strange approach in my opinion....he just doesn't get it. You don't repeat that over and over, you show someone love and kindness through your actions. But he thinks he did so. I feel sorry for him. He's going to end up a lonely and bitter old man, a shadow of who he could be.

Jen

JL

I have bit my tongue after reading so many of your post. (I see you have over 7000 of them)

This one really, like so many other of yours, just grates on me.

Yeah...it was harsh. You seem to pride yourself on being so direct as if you didn't sting people with your harshness, you have failed to uphold your self appointed calling.

Where do you come off suggesting this poster is in a 'victim mode'. I hear nothing but remorse in her post, admitting her mistake, and pleading with others to turn from their own folly, while she seeks sincere advice for her own issues.

Why do the 'wag a finger in her face' with this pious "You brought this on yourself". She is hurting for a number of reasons. Give her a break, will you?

Man...your stuff just irritates me at times. I know you offer some good sound advice often times, and are appreciated by many who do read and post here. But for crying out loud...you sound like a male Dr. Laura and then end it with a "God Bless".

Please...work on 'speaking the truth in love' and when someone is fallen, 'restore with a spirit of meekness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted'.

Sorry...but I have wanted to respond for a long time and just held my peace.

Jen, I have followed your story for so long and anguished over what you are going through. Will it end? It has ended. Don't take this on. I was a compulsive gambler for the first 7 years of my M but a model citizen for the last 11 years. Guess what? My W still brings up the gambling in front of people who we've only recently met. I have told her numerous times I have forgiven myself the problem is now hers. I have gone to GA meetings, been humiliated in business as I had to borrow money from my employer and looked down on by my family for years. Today I am self employed and do very well. On the day my mom died I was sitting in front of a banker crying and she told me we'll work this out (referring to my considerably overdrawn checking account as a result of gambling and writing bad checks; kiting is what they call it). I had to explain to the woman I was crying because of my Mom not the missing money. Anyway I have risen so far above that now but I still have to hear about it today.
Fast forward to today. W is still in EA after ONS
but very ashamed of the ONS and soooooo grateful I have kept my mouth shut. While I don't consider it revenge because I love my W very much,it is very satisfying to be able to demonstrate to her how things in a M should be handled. My point of all this is: DON'T MOVE. Everybody makes mistakes and nobody can embarrass you but you. What your husband did is make an A$$ of himself. What about forgiveness. I'm not minimizing his pain as I am there right now and councelling with Harley's. But enough is enough.
If somebody has the stones to approach you about such a private matter you can simply respond "yes, I've made a mistake and I have learned from it". As others have said you will be much more admired if you face the fire. I can't tell you how satisfying it is to hear my W's aunt say to me that "I have more than rectified the mess I created with gambling". That same aunt is very dissappointed with my W's present behavior. Just go out and live excellently!!!

Jen - did you start out (on this board) by saying you had a one-night-stand that was quickly terminated? And now this thing you admitted in 12/2003 is something else?

Maybe I have you mixed up with someone else.

- Tom

Jen,
It is understandable that you feel embarrased that your H lost control and said those things. However, considering that all three of you share the same profession and are in the same circles, that is something that you should have thought of before becoming involved with someone else. You do present a scene as if you are the victim and that is not true. Have you taken time to consider how your H was affected? What were the consequences of your actions on his life? Actually, I do not know what I would have done if in the same situation. That is, if I met the OM in a common place. I know I would not have said anyhing that may compromise my wife's reputation, but I am most certain my blood would have boiled from seeing the OM and who knows what may have happened. Do not think so much about yourself and your reputation. Thinking only about yourself is what got you where you are today. As far as your reputation is concerned, you took care of that yourself.
You said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H has no remorse for slinging mud upon OM, or for what effects it might have on him, his job, or his wife and 2 small kids </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, are you worried about the other man's reputation? It sounds as if you still care about that @#$*@ more than you care about your H.

Hey Jen! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm sorry that your stbxH acted out the way many of us knew he would... but come on now... are you really all that surprised? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

What I"m stuck on is why did you call him last night? His atrocious behaviour, to me, would be MORE than enough to firm up some no contact barriers.

You let him suck you right back onto the roller coaster ride. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> What do you think you need to do to get off and STAY OFF? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

And as far as the embarrassment of the OM and his family... HE should have thought of that before he had the A with you. Consequences can really bite sometimes (even years later... as most MBers know all too well).

Karen

tmmx - I actually admitted to another affair back in fall of 2003 to my H and to this board. We never had intercourse, but we fooled around on several occasions over several months. That's the OM my H had an altercation with.

To those of you that want to attack me for even suggesting that my own pain is real, or that I'm playing the victim and have no right to, because I made the poor choices that got me into this mess, well, that's your choice to vent on me. I understand you've been hurt immeasurably by your own WS. However, it doesn't mean I don't feel pain too.

I am NOT more concerned about the welfare of OM and his family than my H. The reason I called my H was to give him the heads up about OM's possible intentions of filing charges AND to get the whole story from my H.

Maybe I am mentally ill. I woke up from a very nice dream about my H this morning, it brings tears to my eyes just typing about it. We were lying in our bed at home holding each other like we used to all night long, and I then we just got up, kissed each other and went to work, like a day out of the happy past. I sometimes wonder if I don't deserve to live out my life alone for my infidelity, but if my H still loves me and wants me around, maybe I should try one last ultimatum, let's go to counselling together if you really love me. Even though many of you think it probably never was a healthy marriage, I really WAS so happy with him at one time, and him with me. I am so afraid of ending up alone and childless in this life. I feel quite evil right now for how much I hurt my H by cheating on him, and again by filing for Dv from him. He did ask me to wait until summer to file.....

Sorry, I'm a bit out of my mind this morning with guilt and pain and regret and sadness....please just take this post as a measure of my pain, and a chance for me to vent somewhere (supposedly) safe rather than dashing off and contacting my H or something wreckless. I know that the rational side of my mind that is hiding somewhere has a list a mile long of reasons to divorce him, but I'm sad this morning.

Jen <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 08:48 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Jen, everybody's entitled to a bad day. You are right to say that this is supposed to be a safe place and I think the responses are a bit harsh. Anybody that's followed your story from the beginning knows that you have paid a high price and don't need to be kicked now. I am in the same situation as a BS and my only thoughts are I wish my W was 1% as remorseful as you are. Have a great day.

sad is normal, you will mostly likely experience sad feelings for a long time, doesn't mean anything except to tell you you have experienced an emotional trauma.....it is the same thing as a dull ache from an injury that is healing.

Jen,

I think you need to separate two things. What was done in the past from what is possible in your future. The A and its consequences are predictable and you must face that. I mentioned yesterday about handling this with grace and class. Today, I still think the same thing.

But, Jen you have learned alot. You have tried hard. You have grown. So while you must face and except the consequences of the A and behavior of your H, that does NOT mean your future isn't bright. It is.

You are young, you have a lot of knowledge, and I think you will handle the "grace and class" challenge just fine. As you do, as you move on from this, you will see that you do have a good future. All is NOT lost.

So stop with the downer, the feeling sorry for yourself, the wishing it was NOT what it is and start focusing on who you are, what you can do, what you do bring to the table as a professional and as a human being. Everything I have read in your posts suggests that you are capable of being a spectacular human being. Go for it.

God Bless,

JL