Good vent,Nid,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I asked him about his feelings for OW, he said he doesn't know how he feels. That told me that she has a lot more to do with this than he is willing to admit </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so glad you are interpreting what he said that way.

I still think this has lots to do with OW. Your plan A and optimism that a much better marriage is possible for you together, is all helping with his confusion. Good stuff.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Without her (OW) full and unconditional cooperation the husbands and boyfriends of the world would have only one place to go, home. Single handedly she can turn a happy home into a house of horror." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So true CV55. She did have a choice. So did my H.


Thanks 4give. I am coming to some sort of acceptance, no matter how painful.

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 12:05 AM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also have come to realize that if he is unable to see my worth, I can be happy without him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Most certainly, and don't you ever forget it. He must be able to SEE and VALUE your worth in order to CHERISH you as his wife.

How will he learn to SEE and VALUE your worth? By finding out what it is like to live without you.

You are doing great nid! I just hope you can hold it together thru the month.

I just thought of something else. It's amazing how the memories jump out every so often. Before OW and H began their A she was having marriage problems. H would come home and tell me how he was encouraging her to go to MC. He even gave her the name of a therapist we had seen years ago. Now I'm curious if she ever suggested that to my H. Somehow I don't think so. I really don't like her today.

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 12:06 AM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

nid, my H decided to stay. As I said I won't believe anything until some real time passes, and some real recovery work has begun. Right now we are dealing with withdrawal. And right now, today, I don't even know what I want.

This whole process is so weird. I will be Ok and then I will just have days like today. Days where I can't even believe my H did this. I got a book out of the library called "Not Just Friends." Just started it. If you haven't read it the author says that now more men are having emotional As, and more women are having sexual As. Of course the worst combo being the EA/PA. One of the main reasons and places is the workplace. First these friendships develop, boundaries begin to cross, all of a sudden the feelings are love, and then they have sex. I'm reading the high statistics and it gets me sick. I'm thinking, great, after 27 yrs together, almost 19 yrs. married, now we are a f$$$ing statistic. Today I feel sick inside that my H did this. It's difficult to even believe it's possible to recover from the betrayal. I guess that is why we came to this pplace, to get some hope. Hang in there! I know you have it tough, but you are a tough woman!

Okay, this is really stupid. I feel so childish.

The other day I was telling my H how much I wanted to go to a basketball game. We used to go and it was so much fun. Anyway I just talked to him a few minutes ago, and he said, "Guess What? One of my clients just gave me two tickets to the Rockets'game!" I thought for sure that after our conversation the other day, he was going to ask me to go with him. Then he said, "Would mind if I take S?" I said, "Oh, okay." Then he asks whats wrong. I said I just thought he was going to ask me to go. Then I said I needed to get off the phone.

My heart just sank. It has nothing to do with the fact that I don't want him to take my S, I just thought he was going to ask me. I feel so sad and stupid at the same time.

He called me back. I didn't answer. He left a message saying he was sorry, but it sounded more like he was irritated.

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 06:13 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

About expectations.......

Do not have any where WS is concerned. That way you save yourself any and all disappointment and you might get some pleasant surprises at times. If you have no expectations then you decrease the possibility of LBing.

You need to remember that he's purposefully looking for reasons to be less than enamoured with you. You continue to give him the ammunition he needs. I guarantee it will get worse before the end of the month. You see, he is going to be needing big time justification to ease the guilt he will have for leaving his family behind. Your Plan A behaviors probably make him feel even more desperate to find reasons why he needs to move out. Anticipate him continuing to bait the hook, but more frequently. I think his announcement of the Rocket's tickets was just that, a bait. He knew you wanted to go and announced the coincidental good news and then throws in that he wants to take son. You reacted the way he hoped you would and now you have to back pedal all because you are still EXPECTING your WS to act like your H.

You know nid, I had the best intentions of Plan Aing for as long as I could but it's darn near impossible to do it very long. LBers end up getting the better of you when you have to live with them day in and day out and constantly deflect their denial and projection and rewritten marital history. If you cannot control the LBing it's time for anti-deps and/or Plan B. Does he even have a concrete plan for being gone at the end of the month?

For damage control I'd do my best to do as WAT suggested and then I'd have my own plans for the evening. I'd say "geez,I'm sorry I reacted selfishly at first but then I realized what a good opportunity this is for me to do........whatever." Then go about acting like you are jazzed about being able to do whatever you have decided to do.Do not let him think you are going to spend the evening alone at home thinking about the 2 of them being at the game together. Give him a surprise of his own...something to think about instead of something to be assured about.

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: mthrrhbard ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Call your H and apologize. Radical honesty. Tell him you selfishly thought first about spending some quality time with him, but now better understand and prefer that your son take in this treat. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Already done WAT. I didn't LB at all. He just could sense my disappointment and asked so I told him the truth. He wants me to be open and honest with him. This is what he's been striving for for so long. So I'm doing my best to answer him truthfully. I called him back and said I was sorry. I just had wanted him to ask me to go.

He came home from work and we talked about it. He said he had just gotten the tickets when we talked and hadn't really thought anything through. He said if he had had three, then we could have all gone. I told him I had absolutely no problem with him taking S, I just felt left out. If he had asked me I probably would have said, no why don't you take S?

Anyway, we laid on the bed together before he left and talked and got close. When it was time for them to go, my darling S asks him, "Is Mama going?" H replied, no there's only two tickets so its me and you. I kissed my son and told him to have fun. My H hugged me and kissed me goodbye.

H told me again earlier that he is just confused about everything. I hope I'm helping to clear the fog <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 12:08 AM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does he even have a concrete plan for being gone at the end of the month?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, Mthrrhbard, he just says he's doing it. He hasn't started looking anywhere and hasn't organized any of his things. We have decided not to separate our checking account.

Next week is Spring Break and I had planned on going somewhere with my S. But now, knowing that he's going to move out, I want my S to have as much time with him as possible before he goes. Does that make sense? I guess too, I don't want that to lose a week of Plan A'ing. What do you think?

I think you're doing a terrific job!

WAT

You're doing fine. Keep up the good work.

One ?

What are your plans if at the end of the month he doesn't go and still has not agreed to NC?

The vacation thing can wait. If you are separated in the future it will be a natural consequence that you chose to vacation alone with son.

One thing I told my H before he left, was that if I was going to parent the kids by myself all week, then it was only fair for him to have them on the weekends. It wasn't so much that I wanted this to happen. More than anything else I wanted to see what he would say so that I had a better idea of whether or not his statement that he was moving out to "think" was quasi legitimate or not. He agreed and then the kids never wanted to go with him. He ended up missing us so much that he was at home every weekend. Sometimes I stayed around and purposefully cooked what were his favorite meals (he adores my cooking), other times I left and took advantage of the break it gave me.

Enjoy your quiet evening!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What are your plans if at the end of the month he doesn't go and still has not agreed to NC?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think he is either going to move out or commit to NC. He knows where I stand and has agreed it is unfair to me to stay and be in contact with her. He says any contact he has had with her is not personal but about LL stuff. I'm not too sure I believe that completely.

Mthrrhbard, what did you mean by "One?"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What are your plans if at the end of the month he doesn't go and still has not agreed to NC?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That was my one (1) ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi all,

Last night, I forgot to pick up razor blades for my H, so when he returned from the basketball game late last night, he had to go get some. Well, naturally whenever he runs an errand I have great anxiety. He was gone for 45 minutes, way too long in my opinion. BUT, as much as I wanted to call him and see what the heck was taking so long, I RESISTED.

He came home, I was in bed reading. He said "Sorry it took so long. I tried to call you, but my phone was out. I had to go to two different stores because they didn't have them. You can look at my receipts to check the time if you like." I said, no thats not necessary. Its okay. I believe you.

How'd I do?

I could tell he wanted to talk because he sat down in the chair in our room. He had noticed that my friend had called (she had gone to a meeting that OW was running for LL). He wanted to know what we talked about and did we talk about OW. I said naturally, we talked about her a little, but mostly we talked about things she needed help with for baseball. Anyway, it was an okay conversation. Then we went to bed. We held hands, but he felt a little distant. Everytime he feels he gets too close, he pulls away later.

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Tonight he has a board meeting. I'm trying not to worry about it. I've thought about calling the board Pres. but something makes me hesitate. I just don't want to screw up any progress I've made. I think he's really trying to end this with her because I've not noticed any evidence of contact. I know, I'm not going to put too much faith in that, but all things indicate he's backed way off.

He told me that OW doesn't know that my friend knows everything. He said he never told her. My friend thought OW seemed to be going out of her way to talk to her last night, small talk. My friend said she was polite to her, but somewhat stand offish. Oh, my friend also noticed that OW still has her wedding ring on. Do people normally take these off when they are going throught a divorce? Why would she still have it on? People already know they are separated. If they are divorcing, why keep it on?

<small>[ March 17, 2004, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

Nid,

Wanted to stop in and tell you that I think you're doing beautifully!!

On the anti-d question from several days ago; I think one reason you don't feel like you have to use them is because you're a runner right? Daily regular exercise especially in the sun can make all the difference.

I was on and off anti-d's for about 20 years. Ugh, hated the side effects; however I couldn't imagine being without them until I committed 4 years ago to daily exercise in the sun. Haven't missed the anti-d's as a result.

Blessings, CSue

Thanks CSue. Yes, the running works wonders! I feel so much better after a run. Last night when I ran, the sky was so clear, the stars were everywhere and it just felt good to be alive. I knew as I looked up at the sky, that no matter what happens, I will be okay, God is with me.

Thanks again.