Well my H is at a board meeting tonight with OW. I am not as anxious as I was before when I knew they would be together. Before he left he said, "Hey, don't worry, no talking, okay?" I smiled and said, "Okay." I'm going to tell him later that I appreciate him telling me that, it helps. He should be home pretty soon, so I'll post in the morning.

Oh, when he came home today, he gave me a kiss. He hasn't initiated that in a LONG TIME. He asked if that was okay that he did that. I said of course it was!

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 08:54 PM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

Well, I'm going to see my priest today, the one who married my H and I. I'm really nervous. I know in order for him to get a true picture of our M, I need to tell him about my A. This is so hard. H still isn't interested in going, but asked me to let him know how it goes.

I'm not sure what I want to come out of this. I guess just spiritual guidance. I wish my H would go.

He was pretty distant last night after the board meeting. He didn't say anything about it and I didn't ask. He fell asleep shortly after getting home and he made sure not to be under the covers with me. I can't help but feel every time he sees OW or talks to her that he wants to get away from me and takes great care that he doesn't show me any signs of love.

I don't know, sometimes I read into things way too much. I guess I'll see how things go tonight.

He still hasn't said anything about apartment hunting or gone to look at any. Maybe he will this weekend. I still keep hanging on to the hope that he will change his mind and say, "I don't really want to leave you. I love you. I want to make this work."

Dream on, huh? He's obviously still very confused.

I just talked to my H on the phone. We are no further ahead than before. Why am I even bothering to go talk to a priest. What good will it do? He doesn't want to be married to me. Why am I even trying? I'm not the one here who needs to be convinced that our M is important and can be rebuilt. I'm not the ONE!

After D-day of the last A I spoke with our Priest alone first and then my H agreed to speak with him the next day, alone and then with me. It was positive for us but my H wasn't as dead set to leave as yours seems to be.

He still insists that one was an EA for the first 7 months and then PA twice. That has been extremely hard for me to believe because the previous A went PA rather quickly.

Your H's A could be anywhere in between but I feel like he is more enamored with his OW than he is admitting to you for both their best interests. He is protecting her as much as himself. From reputations to possible reprecussions in the divorces and custody decisions.

My H did the same type of waffling as your H did in the previous A. That is why I think you will probably have to let it run its full course.

The sooner he leaves and experiences the reality of life without his family together, the sooner you may have him back.

Keep remembering that he has responded the best when he thought you were going to move on without him. Otherwise, he wouldn't ask that poor puppy question of whether you will date when you are separated. Leave him to guess a bit.

I still have great hope for your marriage being better than ever before in time. This is not hopeless, yet.

You are an attractive, vibrant, woman yourself. Don't sell yourself short.

I don't think you read too much into things, nid. I think you're pretty much right on the money when you read your H with your head and not your heart.

Your H isn't saying anything different than we have seen hundreds of WS say on this site. You're trying to save your marriage because right now your H is LOST. It helped me to see my H with a degree of pity for his confused, lost self. You are the lighthouse, nid, steadfast and true and giving him a way to find his way back, WHEN HE IS READY!

Do not fool yourself into believing he doesn't talk to her even when he tells you he won't. His actions speak louder than his words. H's who are detatching from OW usually do not pull away from their W after every contact they have. He's in the thick of this and as confused as ever.

Do you see your part in keeping the status quo? I'd bet my bottom dollar that he does nothing to initiate moving out unless you play hard ball with him. At a certain point Plan A becomes enabling and I think that's exactly where your H is at in your Plan A. He knows he's got a great wife, or he wouldn't worry about you going to the gym or dating while separated. If he didn't really want to stay married he wouldn't be worried at all. BUT HE IS! However, every time he gets a little worried, your Plan A tells him he's got you in his back pocket, ready and willing to be "played" with whenever he feels like it. That's all fine nid, if you are comfortable living that way, but that's not the impression I get from your posts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> every time he gets a little worried, your Plan A tells him he's got you in his back pocket, ready and willing to be "played" with whenever he feels like it. That's all fine nid, if you are comfortable living that way, but that's not the impression I get from your posts.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mthrrhbard, you're right. I am not comfortable with this. i want a commitment from him and he isn't ready to give me one. He needs to go because I don't think I can take much more of this ride.

mthrrhbard, you always say it so much better than I do. I wish I had your ability to put my thoughts into clearer words...I try. but... Oh well. I agree with your assessment. Mel and WAT too...

Thank you for the compliment 4Give.

Nid, I honestly think he'll drag this out as long as you allow him to. Did you read tellthetruth's post? Sometimes being strong means packing their bags and telling them to go. I always felt that it wasn't a good idea to let my H outright disrespect me for too long. I felt that if I allowed this, I sent the message that I really wasn't a "prize" or to be valued as extremely "precious". You know what? I am both of those things and I knew it was not good, especially for my kids, to see me live with a man who saw me as less than and seeing some OW as greater than.

I found deep inside of me I knew I had to maintain my dignity above all else. Living day to day with a spouse that lies to your face everytime you turn around is not dignified, it is insulting. Evil flourishes when good men stand silent. This good man <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> said "You'll have to leave now, no more of this." Nid, he can stay at a hotel until he finds a place to live.

My mantra here at MBers......

No consequences = No motivation to change

You know, he wants to move out, have his space "to think", and be able to work on being friends with me. I'm willing to work on being friends if he stays, which is what I've been trying to do, but when he leaves, I'm going to tell him I don't want any contact. That would just be more torture, trying to be all buddy buddy when he's not even living at home.

He told me that he isn't willing to talk to our priest or anyone else I want him to talk to because they all have biased opinions that you should save a marriage no matter what. Then he says he believed that once too. I guess his opinion has changed now. I guess our M isn't worth it anymore.

Now, he just called and apologized to me for getting upset with me. Here I go. . . reel me back in. I will stand firm. He needs to make a decision and just do it. This weekend hopefully.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess his opinion has changed now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep and it will change a few more times before he finally pulls it together.

I told WAT this when he was in the middle of his struggle. Who do you want to be in control in this crazy situation that has the potential to alter the rest of 3 peoples lives? Your confused H or you? Right now he's abandoned the driver's seat and the car's still running.You are at the mercy of his whim of any given moment, and you are the one thinking about this day and night and having it eat you up inside. Plan B puts YOU in the driver's seat of your own life. It limits the damage that may occur to you and your S if H can't pull it together. It makes you just that much more ahead in the process or healing and gives H something to have to think about day and night and eat him up.

I agree in your situation , with one older child, that you should do as strict a Plan B as possible.

Praying for you!

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "I would never touch a married man and wreek havoc on someone's family." Was that a LB? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The truth shared in love is NEVER a LB. He might not like it ,but it's not a LB. I bet this won't be the last time he asks about the dating issue. He's trying to get you to say that you will date, so he can do so as well, minus the guilt. As my H was secretly planning a 350 mile trip to go "get some" from the OW, I was the one asking if he was planning to date while separated. He said "no"! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Let me just throw this in. Last night I was in the bedroom and I could hear my H,(who usually serves in the sound ministry at church on Wed nights), listening to the everning service online and singing the worship songs. He's a different man than he was before his A. I cried a few tears of thanks at the incredible work God can do in a repentent WS. Your WS shows all the signs of getting there nid. Hang on, Jesus is with you.

<small>[ March 11, 2004, 07:37 PM: Message edited by: mthrrhbard ]</small>

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

It's the way he gets worried when you pull away.

It's because OW isn't really that great of a catch with 3 young kids.

It's because your history with him is legitimate and right and his with her is ugly and evil and that is a powerful fact.

I feel this way too because if he really wanted to be with her so bad he'd be hurrying to get out of the house and he's not even making concrete plans.

He doesn't want to do this, he doesn't want to lose anything, he's just crazy about how she makes him feel every now and again. Put him with her, with no thrill of the chase and he'll see the grass is greener on the side that's watered.

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

I give him six months IF nid is diligent doing Plan B. I think her H is one who will need occasional "peeks" into his old life. I really think this is a MLC on his part. He's self medicating for some pain.

nid, have you read Dobson yet?

Mthrrhbard, what is an MLC? And no I haven't read Dobson yet. Is that the Tough Love one?

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

Love Must be Tough by James Dobson, a must read.

Not that I think it will take him six months, I just don't give him any longer than that.

MLC=Mid life crisis

MLC=Mid Life Crisis.

Yes,the Love Must Be Tough book by Dobson. It is good for you right now.