Be Very Careful.

This guy is a Silver Tounged Devil!

His message is carefully worded to avoid any accusation that he is trying to lure you back, but the things he brings up are designed to make you come back to him.

Especially vulgar is the comment about God sending you to help him in his time of need. This is pure deceit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Suzet, my WW also believes that God wants her and OM together, first as friends, then as lovers, and now eventually a married couple who will carry on a ministry in God's name. My wifes OM is also another STD (Silver Tounged Devil) and with the willing cooperation of my wife he has helped to destroy two marriages.

Do not answer this e-mail.

Why does he still have an e-mail address for you that works? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Change your e-mail and don't tell him.

Show the e-mail to your husband.

JE

P.S. I just noticed that Silver Tongued Devil and Sexually Transmitted Disease have the same initials. Interesting! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Rose,

Thanks for your post!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know receiving the e-mail from OM has been difficult for you emotionally, but that just proves the reason for NC. Even the slightest contact starts an unhappy rollercoaster ride again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So true and the reason I&#8217;m determined to keep NC. I have made this commitment and agreement with my H, I love my H with my whole heart and I don&#8217;t want to violate his trust again in any way. I SO want to do the right thing but I&#8217;m still struggling in so many ways&#8230; I know opening and reading the e-mail was wrong. I have already explained the reasons I&#8217;ve opened the e-mail, but as another poster have said on the In Recovery board: You are learning, and curiousity that "killed the cat" is something that you are struggling to master. This is so true&#8230; Even if I would receive an e-mail from OM again, I know it would be very difficult to just delete it without reading because I&#8217;m too damn curious. Even if I would stay strong and delete it without reading, I would still wondering what he wanted to say in the letter. You know, I have said to another poster yesterday that I feel embarrassed and upset that I allowed myself too feel somewhat flattered by OM&#8217;s attention after I&#8217;ve received his e-mail. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I&#8217;m venting now, but it helps to talk.

Anyway, it&#8217;s impossible right now to change jobs and block e-mails internally in this institution, but within the future (somewhere this year) an upgraded system will be installed that will enable staff to block another person&#8217;s e-mail address internally.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Don't worry about appearing rude to him - he's the one being rude by contacting you when you have asked him not to.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Initially I felt rude by ignoring his letter, but I realize that I don&#8217;t have to feel rude towards a person who&#8217;ve shown only disrespect and no remorse towards me and especially my dear H...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> From your posts, it's hard for me to tell what you mean by "inappropriate e-mails" or just how far you two went, but it sounds like you were playing with fire nonetheless.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me explain the reason why I view my previous friendship with OM as inappropriate (that developed to beginning stage of EA) and not an actual emotional affair:

1. During my friendship I&#8217;ve shared some inner self, frustrations and triumphs with OM at work, but we NEVER shared intimate issues about our marriages and spouses and I never shared more with OM than with my H or shared anything my H didn&#8217;t know about. However, I&#8217;ve developed and inappropriate emotional attraction towards OM.

2. I never hide the friendship from my H and always informed my H the view times I visit OM in his office, but when the friendship became inappropriate I didn&#8217;t told my H about OM&#8217;s subtle flirting and &#8220;joking&#8221; on e-mail sometimes and his continuous request to send holiday photos of myself in swimwear...which I did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> This was what I meant with &#8220;inappropriate e-mails&#8221;.

3. There was definitely an unacknowledged sexual attraction between us although we never acted on it or expressed the existence of this feelings verbally or otherwise. Although I fell in love with OM, I never confessed any of my feelings towards him. He never confessed any romantic feelings towards me either. However, I acted adulterous in the sense that I had private thoughts and fantasies of him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

However, I know an obsession with another person outside marriage, an inappropriate involvement or a fantasy based EA can just be as damaging as any other full blown EA/PA. I was definitely on a very thin slipper slope and as you have said, indeed playing with fire. Sometimes I wonder if an involvement based on fantasies and obsession is not more damaging than a situation where a &#8220;real&#8221; A has taken place and have died a natural death.

JustinExplorer,

Thanks for your post too and sharing your situation. It must have been extremely difficult and painful for you. It&#8217;s so sad that your W still believes the lie that what happened was &#8220;God&#8217;s will for them&#8221;. You know, the sadest is that both of them is actually believing their own lie&#8230; <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My father have this friendship with another woman for 20 YEARS now... (She became a family friend of my parents after her divorce.) There is many things that is inappropriate and wrong and which my mother feel very unhappy about, but both my father and this OW beleives they do nothing wrong and that their "friendship" is so innocent and special. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyway, I haven&#8217;t and won't respond to the e-mail and have shown the e-mail immediately to my H after I&#8217;ve left work last Friday. (At least one thing I have done right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

OM work in the same company as me and internal e-mail addresses of staff can&#8217;t be block or deleted from the system. But as I&#8217;ve said to Roses, within the future (somewhere this year) an upgraded system will be installed that will enable staff to block another person&#8217;s e-mail address internally.

<small>[ March 11, 2004, 03:47 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

Suzet - OM's "continuous request to send holiday photos of [you] in swimwear" was inappropriate in itself, but was also an obvious attempt to lure you into even more inappropriate behavior. I would say that proves him to be dishonorable and untrustworthy.

"He never confessed any romantic feelings towards me either."

When these inappropriate communications begin, women think with with their hearts, men think with a different body part!

"I acted adulterous in the sense that I had private thoughts and fantasies of him."

A's start in our heads! I believe we get so used to the fantasies that it makes it easier to continue on with the A in reality. One thing leads to the other. That's why Jesus said that to look on a woman with lust is the same as committing adultry. You were right to nip this mess in the bud.

My pastor once preached an entire sermon saying that if we're married and a member of the opposite sex begins to flirt with us, we shouldn't be flattered, we should be OFFENDED and let that person know it in no uncertain terms that we are not available. This might sound harsh or even prudish, but too many of us find out the hard way that it really is excellent advice.

This guy is bad news. Keep hanging on to your self-respect and dignity by avoiding him. You can do it!

Rose,

Thanks again for your post and support! Again, you were right on spot with everything you&#8217;ve said, especially the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A's start in our heads! I believe we get so used to the fantasies that it makes it easier to continue on with the A in reality. One thing leads to the other. That's why Jesus said that to look on a woman with lust is the same as committing adultery. You were right to nip this mess in the bud.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was a big struggle and religious problem to me. It felt if I was commit &#8220;adultery in the heart&#8221; because according to Scripture &#8220;adultery in the heart&#8221; is the same as &#8216;real&#8217; adultery. So, I know in God&#8217;s eyes, I was just as guilty as anyone else who has committed &#8216;real physical&#8217; adultery&#8230; <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Most of my wrong and sinful thoughts and fantasies started while I was in the midst of the fog and withdrawal and in a deep depression. While I was moving further into depression my thoughts and feelings started to became very excessive and obsessive. At the time I KNOW my thoughts was wrong and sinful, I felt very guilty towards God and my H, but at the time it felt if I couldn&#8217;t control my thoughts&#8230; It was like a big vicious cycle &#8211; I would have the thoughts and fantasies, feel very guilty and anxious afterwards and then confessed towards God and pray, but only shortly afterwards I would have these same thoughts again and so the cycle continued&#8230; It was terrible, like a downward spiral and I couldn&#8217;t seem to get out of it. Most of these obsessive thoughts and feelings stopped after I&#8217;ve started taking medicine for obsessive/compulsive disorder with associated depression & anxiety a year ago. This was of tremendous help. I have also find great strength in my religion and I certainly know if it wasn&#8217;t for God&#8217;s help and my H&#8217;s love and support, I wouldn&#8217;t be where I am today in my personal recovery.

The medicine still keeps the Obsessive thoughts with associated depression under control and normally it also helps for the anxiety, but during the past few weeks the anxiety has became more severe again... My H's current circumstances at work (after he was victimized and unfairly dismissed at the company where I also work) is definitely a big factor. Currently I&#8217;m also a target of victimization by this institution (because of me and my H&#8217;s connection). This is a difficult time right now so I think the increased anxiety about OM is also normal and will pass again when I things will get better again. I must get a follow-up prescription from my psychiatrist somewhere this month, so I will just discuss this with him to make sure that I&#8217;m still on the right track with my current medication. A while back I've discovered interesting information on the web regarding the effect of sexual childhood abuse on the physical response of adult woman&#8217;s' stress hormone, so after I have read that article, I understand why my current medication is keeping everything under control but not really helping for the anxiety-deviation.

I was getting off track but thanks anyway for listening! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 01:53 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>