I would let OW's H know. He deserves to know and may put pressure on the A. If you have to, wait until tomorrow.

He just pulled in the driveway.

Please pray for us.

I hope everything is okay please post when you can and let us know, we are worried about you. Yes, tell the OWH no matter what your H says...you said yourself people think she's done this before. The man deserves to know. We all know how it feels to be kept in the dark on something so terrible.

Don't worry too much about the LBing...I did so much of that it's a wonder my H didn't leave...I was out of controll for months!!! He knew it wasn't me..he knew it was the horrible pain I was in and that my world was destroyed and out of control...funny even through all the early LBing...he always thought I was very strong and brave...go figure.

I am hoping with all my heart that things are going okay for you now!!!

Im so pleased you seem to be on the right track, I think mortarman can take a lot of the credit for that.

Please post as soon as you can to let us know you are ok and how things are going.

There is light at the end of the tunnel!

Sending my love

Heroswife,

I know this is a very difficult time for you. No matter what happened last night, keep your chin up. It will get better. There will be a way out of this mess one way or the other. Please believe that.

Hang in there, kiddo.

~ Snow

Heroswife...please let us know how you are doing, we are worried. Thanks.

Ok...not sure where to begin here.

I'm sure you all will be very disappointed in me after this post.

My H came home Friday and I set the girls up downstairs with their dinner so H and I could talk.

He just laid down on the bed with his eyes closed. I sat down on my stepper at the foot of the bed and just looked at him. I was waiting for him to say something but he wouldn't. He never says anything...other then I'm sick of this sh*t. I started to get frustrated. I asked him to please talk to me. Please just say something. Tell me what is going on in your head right now. He could sense me getting upset and just said...I'm so tired of this. I'll do anything you want just to make this stop...I don't want to have this conversation again.

Now in my mind - I expected an entirely different response. If he's going to tell me that we are leaving here I wanted him to say that we will leave because it is killing me and he doesn't want to do that. But now he says we will leave so you'll shut up about this.

I told him I didn't want him to leave here to shut me up. I want to leave here to save our marriage. I told him I wasn't trying to hurt him or make him feel more guilty about what he did. So then I said, you aren't leaving but I am. I told him I would leave today and go find us a place to live. He said he didn't want that to happen. He said he wanted me here with him.

We kept talking...long story short. I got angry quickly. I threw some things around the room in a rage because he wouldn't talk to me. He said "I f'ed up. Why can't you just hear that and let that be enough!" That was all it took. I lost it. I grabbed my shoes to put them on. I was leaving. He jumped up and said that I wasn't leaving he was. Before I knew what happened I threw my shoe at him and screamed that I hated him and how could he do this...blah blah blah. I backed him into a corner and that was it. He yelled some pretty terrible things back at me...it got really ugly. I was more violent then he was. The kids were crying at this point. He tried to run out the door saying he was going to kill himself. I told him he wasn't going anywhere. I said you made this mess now you live with it. I told him to tell my children what he did to their mother and grabbed my keys. I was leaving and I wasn't just going to leave him. I had other things in mind...I'm sure you can fill in the blank here. He wouldn't let me out of the house. By now the kids are terrified (I'll never forgive myself for that). He tried to walk me back upstairs so the kids couldn't see me. I got halfway up the stairs and just collapsed. He went to calm the girls down. I waited until I knew he was far enough away from me so I could make it to the door and get out. I ran to my truck. He started calling my cell phone. I wouldn't answer. I finally did and he was crying. He told me not to do anything stupid. He told me my girls needed me more then anything in this world. He said I was a good mother and deserved better then this. He begged me not to do anything stupid and said for me to come home so the girls could see I was OK. He said don't do it for me...do it for them. He said they need you more then they need me. I drove to an empty parking lot and cried. I wanted to end it.

I know I should never feel that way and it's terrible that I was so close to just swallowing a bunch of pills. It would have been so easy to just walk away from all this pain.

I came back home after praying for about 30 minutes. I hugged my girls. I could hear my H crying. I knew that I had come back from the lowest point of my life and I had resolve to end it there. I told myself I would never get like that again.

The girls went to bed. I took a bath and sat next to him on the bed. We were both crying. He put his arms around me and told me that he loved me more then anything in this world and he was so sorry he had hurt me so bad. He just held me tight and comforted me...that was the only time in our relationship he has ever done that.

We talked to the girls and told them that we were so sorry they had to see what just happened. We promised that it would never happen again. We told them they could talk to us if they wanted to and that we understood they were upset and may be confused.

I am absolutely humiliated now. I can't believe I acted like that. I can't believe my life has come to this. I'm not sure what to do to get my life back. I know I need more help then I had originally thought. I was completely out of control. COMPLETELY! I don't care what anyone has been through in their life there is no excuse to behave that way. No amount of pain warrents putting your children through something like this. I feel like a terrible mother and a very poor excuse for a Christian.

Oh, I can see how hurtful you are. Please calm yourself down. You got to be strong for your kids. Keep praying, ask for strength. You will be strong.

Lost -

Thank you for your support. I do pray. I pray so much it's just a habit now and I do not realize I'm doing it half the time.

I'm trying to be strong. It seems like everything is back at ground zero now. I feel like I'm starting over as if Friday was DDay all over again.

I know I need help for me not just the M now.

OK, hw, here comes another frank post from me.

Is the affair over or not?

I gather that it is, and your problem is that your H is stuck at this duty station for another two years with OW and that this is what's driving you bonkers. Yes, this is a valid concern, but if your H says he's willing to recover and he's willing to do whatever it takes to make things better - short of leaving this duty station - THEN GET INTO COUNSELING AND START TO WORK!!!

Ask him to post here and let us help him understand your feelings. Print out some info from this site for him or order the books, SAA and His Needs/Her Needs for him to read.

He may decide on his own that relocation is necessary.

If I'm wrong and the affair IS NOT over I apologize for my harshness - contact OW's H and then seek advice from the base chaplain if further exposure is out of the question.

WAT

WAT -

Thanks for posting. I do not care how harsh your posts are. I need real help here and I know that help will not always be easy for me to take.

Yes the A is over. I honestly believe that. He gives me access to everything and even offers up information when I do not ask for it. He does everything and anything he can to show me that his life is an open book. He even calls me everyday on his home from work and jokingly tells me to clock him. He is the first person to leave his office each day...I have confirmed that by speaking to some of his co-workers. He brings things home to work on instead of doing them at work which would be easier because there would be no children there to distract him. I do not mind him doing this at all.

The real issue here is not leaving the post. This position will help him career greatly. That is why he says he does not want to leave. As of Friday he said he was going to try to leave the duty station. I know that he cannot do that without impacting his career and I honestly feel like he will resent me for any negative impact this has on his career.

I do not want to cause more damage. I just wish I could handle the fact that he goes to work with her. I also think that one of the reasons I wanted to leave here so bad is because I feel like he has her and I have no one here. Keep in mind that he is not seeing her anymore...she has moved on to someone else's man. I told him about that and he said he didn't care what she does.

This weekend I made a friend here. I'm sure I will someday post here about my new friend. No, this is a woman and not a man. I have had many many opportunities to retaliate with an A of my own but I will not do that. So I made a friend this weekend. Someone I think God may have sent to me in a time of need. We played a softball tournament on Saturday and we already have plans to hang out Friday night. Her H works with my H. I feel like having a friend here will help me make it through this mess...if we leave or if we stay. I still have trust issues with people in general but I'm sure this friendship will help me get over that.

I'm trying to avoid LB's now. This weekend probably drained my Love Bank with H. It's going to take a long time to recover from that. I think that was as bad as the A.

So hit me with a 2x4. Tell me I'm being a baby and that if he is willing to work towards recovery I should let him and stop LBing.

I sent him this web address. We have all the books but he will not read them. We even have the corresponding workbook. We've been to Marriage conferences and will be going to The 5 Love Languages conference next month.

I keep asking him if he's visited this site but he says no but that he'll get around to it. He hates it when I nag at him to read the books. Should I stop asking him to read the books? We've been here 3 months and he still hasn't picked up one of the books.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heroswife:
<strong>So hit me with a 2x4. Tell me I'm being a baby and that if he is willing to work towards recovery I should let him and stop LBing.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you can hit yourself just fine.

Please consider a different kind of exposure - ask him to visit this site and read the materials on emotional needs. Please consider printing out two copies of the emotional needs questionaire. Fill one out yourself and ask him to fill one out.

Expalin that if he chooses, he can post here and guys like motarman and I will respond in a constructive manner. He has nothing to fear and EVERYTHING to gain - most notably, your better peace of mind.

Preface all of this with a sincere apology for losing your cool the other night. Explain that you believe that some real marriage building needs to get started and that his sincere participation will HELP YOU! Explain that this is what you need to regain the confidence in your marriage and benefit your family. Starting down this path is the solution to YOUR anxieties about remaining at this duty station and thus, is a win-win situation. YOU get your issue addressed and HE gets to stay in the career favorable situation and your family benefits by rebuilding your marriage into one far better than your wildest dreams.

WAT

I am sad to say that I had a very similar story to tell a few months after dday. I too ran screaming out of the house, tore off in my car with sole intention of hurting him as bad as he hurt me...I actually called him to tell him I wanted him to listen to me drive my car into a tree...then I couldn't do it (thank God) and hung up and wouldn't answer his calls. I was out of my mind and at that point he was out of his mind with worry. He even called my mom...he left kids with older kids and went looking for me. I checked into a hotel and just soaked in a bath...eventually I answered phone from my mom and she convinced me to let him know where I was.

Believe it or not something good came of that night...he confessed all remaining little details of affair, said that he realized more then ever how much I meant to him, said that he experienced fear that night like never before in his life, committed to do anything to help me, us, kids heal.

Your H witnessed first hand the agony you are in..now is time to try and move recovery forward...take advantage of this (all's fair in love and war). Tell him that you're not sure if you can live another 2 years like this but you are willing to give it some time if he:

1) Agrees to counseling with Harley's
2) Reads the books
3) Reads the MB info
4) Goes to IC/MC

These are just examples but I think you get the idea.

Harley's do a good job of coaching WS into putting a good plan of protection together, among other things...they consider themselves marriage coaches..not therapists.

Torn Asunder is a good book to read regarding how to process the A, as is SAA.

If an A isn't processed (individual problems recognized and addressed and marital issues identified and addressed) likelyhood greater for repeat A or ultimately divorce.

It's obvious your H cares...just need to find the right recovery plan.

I have already apologized for Friday night. Again and again and again. I think he knows how bad I felt because he said it was his fault. He said he knows I am a good mother and that my children know that. It doesn't take away the guilt I feel for acting like that but I will just try to move past that and not ever let it happen again.

Do you think it is good for me to keep asking him to read the books and this website?

I haven't said anything to him about the board yet. I just figured he would find that on his own. I do not think he would ever post here. He is just not the type to do that.

Should I ask him to? I do not want to LB anymore. If nagging him about the books and this site is a huge LB I want to avoid it.

Should I just express to him again (one more time) how much I need this and see what he does? I've done this 1000x and he still doesn't do it. What if he doesn't do it this time? Do I take that as him just not caring. That frustrates me so bad. I feel like I'm saying this is what I need for you to do and when he doesn't do it I feel like that means he just doesn't care.

Heroswife,

So sorry to read your gut-wrenching update, but I am so glad you are here to write it! The way you reacted has happened to many a strong BS when they find their breaking point. Looks like you found yours. But it is over.

The best suggestion I have read here so far is explaining, one more time, to your H that in order for you to regain trust and love in your marriage that he needs to take ACTION.

Then lay out the actions as others have stated.
Counseling, reading a book, coming here for support and understanding.... whatever you think fits best for your situation. Then give him a time frame to make the appointment, pick up the book, or whatever. Lovingly tell him if he can't make his own deadline then you will take that as an indication that he doesn't truly want to work on the marriage. His words are wonderful, but you need to see ACTIONs.

Your H is probably caught in the guilts. He just wants it all to go away. This is understandable, but he has to come to realize that what he did doesn't just go away. It needs work to discover what the intimacy and other personal issues were in your marriage that allowed him to make the wrong choices he did.

And if he thinks he can do this by osmosis (and most WS do believe that), then he is wrong – and apt to make another wrong choice five years down the road, like my H did.

If he wants to bury the problems, he might as well just bury the marriage. And you can tell him I said so!!! LOL!!

One thing I would add on my list, if I was you. If you're going to try to stay at the post, that you be allowed one conversation with both him and OW in the room. Then tell her calmly, but plainly, that she makes you sick to your stomach and that you'll gladly put on the happy face FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S SAKE whenever publicly necessary. Then make it clear that she is not to toot her horn at you or wave at you or try to be your friend in any way, shape or form as you consider her the enemy. Oh, and finally, if she makes your H's life hard because of your words, you'll drop the nuke. And if she feels that's a threat, well, it is a threat and one you'll make good on.

If she has any designs left on your H, I guess that should take care of it.

As you might recall, my H and OW worked together for 18 months after dday but they were able to avoid each other for the most part. Although your situation is different, I certainly was going crazy every time he went to work, too. After some time, though, as he WORKED HARD to build my trust, I was able to relax. I knew she had no power over him.

If you HAVE to stay where you are for two years, it can be done with a great deal of your husband's help and hard work to make you feel loved and to trust him again.

And when you finally leave there, whether next week or in two years, you'll be able to breathe easy again.

~ Snow

Snowbelle -

I would like nothing more then to have a sit down conversation with her and my H in the same room. I asked my H if I could talk to her and he said he didn't think it was necessary and that started a huge fight between us. I think to push the subject would only cause more problems. I have her email address, I know where she lives, I have her phone numbers and her H's cell phone number. If I feel like I need to talk to her I think I can get in touch with her without telling my H. I will not ask for permission again. I'm grown and can make my own decisions.

I have not told her H yet. I tried last Friday but never found him. I have since gotten his cell phone number. I'm not sure how to move forward with this now. I wish I had gotten him Friday so it would be over now.

I do not want to cause anymore problems. After the way I acted Friday night I am afraid this will kill us.

What should I do? Should I continue to try to tell him? Should I shoot her an email and tell her to tell him by a certain time? Should I just pick up the phone and call him and ask to meet him somewhere for a quick chat?

I know they are having problems with their marriage....heard that on the rumor mill this weekend. I was told that she comes to the office everyday trying to get people to feel sorry for her by saying that her H just goes off on her without any reason. What if he's having an A and when I tell him he launches the nuke?

They are having problems and he probably has no clue that his wife is a crazy hootchie that is chasing every man that pays her attention.

I've also heard that she has moved her sights to another man....who is also in a committed relationship. If I do not expose this then I am the enabler and will be the cause of this other woman's pain when her DDay comes.

hw - In my humble opinion, I don't think communicating with XOW is in your best interests. In fact, it could be detrimental. It'll just cause a big dramatic scene that will resolve nothing.

Your focus should be on your marriage and your H. If the affair is over, OW is no longer an issue for you. If she has moved on to another "victim", good for your marriage. The perfect MB next step is for your H to send her a NC letter with a copy to her H. I understand that anything in writing can be detrimental to your H's career, so perhaps the next best thing is a strong, verbal NC rebuke from your H to her - if he hasn't already done this. The downside of this is that you don't get to confirm it very easily. I guess this was the thought behind your "meeting" with her.

Based on your description of your H's recent reassurances to you, and the rumors of OW's next alliance, it could be a safe bet for you to just calm down and forget about OW. Your H is displaying some very positive things. OW was a problem preventing you from working on your marriage. Although some unavoidable contact will continue, you and your H are now the problems. She is nothing. A scab on a wound trying to heal. Don't pick at it.

Informing XOW's H is a tough dilemma. Again, the perfect MB answer is to inform him for his own good if your H is truly repulsed by her now, i.e., the classic case for exposure is to motivate an affair to end. If it's over, the need for this is a moral one rather than a strategic one. If you sense that he'll get tipped off through another source, you may not have to bother. One thing is clear - if your motivation to inform him is driven by vengence or retaliation - drop it. It sounds like OW is well on the way to getting all she deserves.

WAT

Sorry to hear about Friday, but it is understandable considering the amount of pressure you have been under. Dont beat yourself up over it. In a way it was probably good to let your H know how much this has been getting to you.

I still think you and your family should make a fresh start somewhere else, and its good that your H kind of agreed to it. After friday, he may be more understanding about why it is a good idea. His career development is not what matters right now. All that would result from a transfer would be a minor setback. Please talk about it with him, starting over somewhere new may also make your children feel more secure. You will be able to put all of this behind you.

Hope you are feeling better

P.S. You are a good mother, we can tell that just by listening to you here.

OK....the exposure to the owh is not for vengence. I do not want to do it at all. But I do not want to be here for 2 years watching this crap by myself. I feel like if I'm going to stay here her H should know to put pressure for the A not to start back up.

Does that make sense. I also feel like he deserves to know.

I don't know what to do. I'm confused but feel like I'm making all the wrong decisions. I say I'm going to tell the H...but I can't find him when I'm ready to do it. Now I feel like the perfect time has passed.

I wonder if I'm making decisions now that will impact our recovery negatively.

I want to recover...I can't stop picking the stupid scab....I honestly think that a BS response to an A can be just as harmful to a M as the A itself.

I feel like if I tell OWH now then he can watch her and I can watch my H and we can compare notes when things look strange. Again, I do not want to mess this up.

I doubt every decision I've ever made from the beginning. If I had just called him then this would not be happening now.

Telling the OWH could have some positive effects.

Her H finding out may stop her shagging other womens husbands once and for all!

She may leave her job out of embarrassment/her H making her/not wanting to lose her position.

Either would be great!