Zizzy - You are doing fine. You will get back into Plan B. It took me about 3 weeks when I broke it. It is difficult to get back into it, but can be done. That is why it is important to stick to it. Listen to me - why can't I take my own advice?

Believer...u must listen to yourself...so must i... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Melody...i went to the lawyer to find out the details. I want to know the cost, the duration and everything else. Part of me is ready for divorce so it is not a bluff. The other part is just hanging there still unsure. You asked me about WH family right? Welllll...looks like there is hope there after all.

I told WH niece about the situation so far and that i was ready for the D. She went and told WH family. My MIL called me and asked to meet up at my SIL place for dinner tonight. MIL told me that she wanted to meet OW and give OW her piece of mind.

At the first time i told MIL back in Oct last year, MIL wanted OW phone number to call and to tell her off. This is because MIL has experience this A problem with my FIL so she knows what i am going through. So did two other SIL.

Now they are the type who is ready to go to the office and make havoc in front of OW if given the chance. This is sort of my opportunity of getting it expose again without being in the picture. But of course WH will know who blab. Then again i can always say i did not know anything...etc etc...pretend innocent. WH knows i have confided in them before. Only i have stopped because i don't feel much support from them. I guess they thought maybe things where not so bad before now. Suddenly they realised how bad things had gotten and wanted to help. WH is the youngest in a family of ten and is kinda the favourite.

So should i allow them to go ahead with the harrasment of OW and expose etc etc? Very tempting? Of course WH himself knows the type of sisters he has and they are the no nonesense type. WH knows that they are capable of doing such thing.


What do you think? Let the WH family do the exposing or should i stop it?

ZZ,

Realize that you didn't tell his 'immediate' family, the cousin did. So what? If his A was that great, surely he would get a high five from someone you all respect instead of the fist that is waving. LOL!!!

Don't stop their need to speak. Freedom of speech includes this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Just stay out of the way and let them do what they must.

Whether it helps or sets him back, that is within his control and you can use his reaction as a measuring tool. If he gets angry then you are not closer to recovery and this incident has saved you further heartache later down the road. If he is remorseful with them, then there is hope and he will communicate that to you and so will they.

Either way, you can get a benefit.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

My sister in law and mom in law and WH niece all decided that it is hopeless to approach WH and get him to end A.

MY MIL decided to go to the office and TALK to OW.

I told them that i love and supported what they plan to do but i cannot be directly involve.

This morning i called my mom and she said she wants to get involved too... Whoaaaaa! Suddenly everyone wants to play a part in this drama. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My mom wanted to approached the OW parents too.

I told my mom to called my MIL and see what she wants to do first. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Orchid...i really really hope they do it. I cannot wait for it to happen. It is okay for me to give the address, Hp and Home tel to my mom and MIL? They do not have this info. I know if the **** hits the fan, WH will sure knows who gave the info. But again, i do not see why i should not give it to them. If i gave the info and not be in the picture that should be okay rightttt?

After all what more is there to lose?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It is risky but you and your family have to decide.

take care,
L.

<small>[ March 11, 2004, 02:40 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

I think a little uproar will be good. WH will know that his little honey is not going to be welcomed into the family. Also it is good for you to have so much family support.

Believer...i think i fell off the wagon again the second time in less than a week... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My mom brought a christian lady to see me. She has a similiar A story like mine. Her husband is also working in the same company with my WH. Also had an affair with a younger woman working at the same place!!!

I think my WH company is a horrible place to allow two recorded affairs to go on!

Anyway this lady prayed hard and finally after 3 years she is in recovery. She told me God will help me. She gave me the name of a marriage counselor with the church, she and her husband has been seeing. She asked me if WH will go. I told her that we have seen two priest and no follow up. I am disappointed with the church because there is no proper marriage counselor at all. She said this person is the best and i should try.

My WH is still seeking the ANSWER and i know he will go. She said i am lucky that my WH is willing to go because hers did not. i told the lady that i cannot go because i was in plan B. I also don't want to hear and see anymore of the fog talk from him because it will hurt me and i don't want the pain.

So that same evening i called WH over. I told him God has an answer from him through this person so and so...told him to go and see him. WH said he will make an appointment with the man on tuesday because he is busy with work at the office. I told him to text message me if he goes because a lot of people are praying for us and i need to show them that somehow God answered a part of their prays. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

i should have just pass the message and chase him out of the door immediately after that but i let him talk.

The fog is definately still there. How i wanted to knock his head. But at the same, as i asked questions and listen to his answers, i definately see the same pattern of WS and OW that all of you describe in here.

He said that sometimes he misses me even when he is with OW. OW notices and asked him. He admits missing us to OW and OW told WH that she is jealous of this fact. I am hoping she will start demands and LB soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He said OW is still looking for a new job. I was quite relieve to hear this. At least she will eventually go.

Remember i said one senior manager in the office knows about their affair and later she admits that she does not want to get involved. Well, WH told me that she is talking to him every other day trying to help him see the light. That makes me happy to hear. She ever told me that she will make sure OW resigns. Since she is still there then i am assured that she will try her best where she can help.

Then we got intimate. I honestly don't know how that happen but it was great!

When he left i told myself i need to do a better plan B. Strangely the two contact last week did not depress me as much as i thought it would.

I guess because deep in my heart i know WH will be back. I know that OW will never win. I don't know how i know this but i feel it. Plan B makes me see this clearly. In Plan A i was completely confuse and only see the part of losing him. In Plan B i can see how i can win this battle. Patience is the key but i don't know if i have that.

We could go on and on in this plan B and i know WH will never ever do a divorce. So where does that put OW...? Of course OW will end it because she don't have the learnings of MB. But i don't want to win by default. That really is depressing.

Then another question...how long can i last?

Zizzy

I am in the same boat as you are. I am so depressed tonight I don't know what to do other than cry. I went to go out with some friends and I just started crying in the car on the way there and now I can't stop. I have prayed and prayed for GOD to give me guidance. Somedays I want him back, other days I don't. I really want my life back as I knew it before. I want my H the real one. I want my kids to be happy again. I am tired of the pain, and tired of being alone. I wonder all the same questions you do. How long can I do this? I feel like calling, but I am in Plan B also and I don't call. Then I feel like I might be missing an opportunity to see him or to make him see me. I don't understand why this happened in our lives I just want it over. I wish I could just move on without him and never think about him. I am having a terrible night tonight and I don't know why. I don't know how long I can take this Plan B either. I miss him so much some days. Other days I hate him. We have to be here for each other.

NY

Hopeful

You are only in your second week of Plan B...it is okay to feel the way you do. You are going through a withdrawal. Hang in there. Those down days get less and less as you go on into the weeks after.

I cried too in the beginning of my Plan B. You will get better and stronger after that. By the end of the fifth week and this is where i am now...u don't cry anymore. You will also learn to shut out the pain in Plan B. Eventually but not immediately. It takes time to learn that.

You are a superwoman...always remember that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cry if you want to but just don't break contact...not yet...try sticking to NC until after the third week...and if you can continue then go on to the fourth week.

Take care and lots of hug from me to you.

Zizzy

Thanks. I am in withdrawal and it sucks real bad. I was doing really good and then all of a sudden like a ton of bricks fell on me. I can't even deal with anything at this minute. I can't stop crying and I can't think. I want my life back, I want my H back. I want her to fall off the face of the earth. God I wish she would. I have prayed and prayed so hard today. I must be driving GOD nuts, literally.

I hope it gets better, because withdrawal sucks and this whole things sucks. I was going to go out tonight but I couldnt find the place I was supposed to go. I think that it was a sign from God not to go. I was going to a bar to meet some friends. I am afraid that I am so lonely I would have gotten in trouble anyway. I think God is guiding me now and he wanted me to come home. So I turned around and came home.

I know it sounds pathetic and it is. Thanks for the inspiration. What is your story if you don't mind me asking?

NY

Zizzy & Hopeful,

I know how you both feel about missing your WH at times and being very angry at other times. You know by reading my posts from the last few days what NOT to do. I had myself in such an anxiety attack and was so in pain I couldn't function until about midday today.

It helped finally that I had to get out with DS and his girlfriend and buy him some glasses (and got myself new trendy prescription sunglasses), and then my sis and her kids showed up this evening and we visited and went out for a quick bite.

You guys are in my prayers. And like you, I want my life and my husband back SO badly. This all still seems like some surreal dream world sometimes. You're right, we just have to be there for each other and pray that in the end, it all works out okay somehow.

LL

LL

Look who got strength? I went downhill you went uphill. Thanks. Glad you are doing better. I hope I am tomorrow when kids get home.

NY

NY,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hope it gets better, because withdrawal sucks and this whole things sucks. I was going to go out tonight but I couldnt find the place I was supposed to go. I think that it was a sign from God not to go. I was going to a bar to meet some friends. I am afraid that I am so lonely I would have gotten in trouble anyway. I think God is guiding me now and he wanted me to come home. So I turned around and came home.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SOOO much like something I almost did on New Year's Day (long before Plan B but a very ugly day for me and WH). I went out that night so angry and so hurt I couldn't see straight. First, I was going to try and find a bar (remember, I profess to be a Christian). I was going to just go as a single woman, and hopefully strike up conversation and have some companionship. I knew where it might lead and I was so hurting I didn't care. But for some reason I drove and I drove and I just couldn't find a suitable place to stop.

So I was going to go to the casino and just blow about $400 for the heck of it out of anger, just to be with people for a night. (And I'm NOT a gambler!). I sat in my car out in front of the casino for nearly an hour in the freezing Iowa winter weather. I just for some reason couldn't go in.

I finally started my car back up and drove home and went to bed. I do feel it was God's hand in that, too. Things just didn't feel right or work out right. And now I am SO relieved I didn't act on those feelings!!

LL

LL

I am too! I know I would have gotten in trouble and truth be known, I don't want to be with anyone right now even if WH isn't ever coming home. I just miss my kids and my H. I will be better after a good night sleep and my kids come home. You are in my prayers, he is listening too!

NY

zizzy - Ahem - I don't remember that part of Plan B - getting intimate with WH. Must have been the part that I skipped reading.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Believer i know..last...i am telling myself...the last and last time...No more falling off.

Lordlady and Hopeful...i felt like doing that too...the first week of my temporary plan B in Jan...i flirted with a guy 8 years younger and he responded. It felt nice that i still could get guys interested in me. But i don't feel like getting involved so when the guy started calling me at home...i didn't like it at all. I tried ignoring his calls but he got insistant and that really freak me out. Luckily folks in here advice me to go back do a proper Plan A so i did and it was an opportunity to tell WH about this guy. WH told the guy off and that was the end of it. Surprisingly WH was not angry. Anyway after that incident i told myself better stay away from men until i am ready. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am feeling a little low today too. One question keeps on going on and on in my head...the question is how could he let me suffer this way...suffer means the waiting and the loneliness...

Hopeful...i think if compared to other stories in this forum...my case is mild

WH and me are both 37. We have known each other for 18 years and married 9 years. Daughter age 5. OW is a young coworker who is 20 years old. Still staying with her parents and completely opposite character from me as describe by WH.

I had 3 false recovery where my WH declared he had ended it. I learn about MB in my first week of discovery so i had the tools but i did not understand them. Probably due to the confusion, hurt, pain and all. He had all the characteristic of a person still in an on going affair but i failed to notice it. I keep a diary so when i read them now i can see where it all was. After i caught him in his fourth lie on the 29/Dec/03. I told him to move out. When into my own plan B then folks here told me to go back and do Plan A.

I did Plan A for less than 3 weeks. It was a good plan A but i started to LB at the end of it. I was losing the love badly. Going back to Plan A was also a blessing because i finally found out by snooping who OW was. WH hid her identity so well that i was going out of mind wondering who she was.

When i knew who she was...i started exposing. I told the senior manager in the office and latter OW parents. Both families and close friends also knows about the A.

I also confronted OW. I needed that closure and it was great. I did not pull her hair or call her names. I was pretty calm. This is the part i most regret coz i still wish i did pull her hair!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> By talking to her i knew immediately that this girl has issues...she is also nothing compared to me. I am worth 101% more than her. WH deserve this girl if that is what he wants.

I went into plan B after i expose the affair to OW parents. I had to. I was beginning to hate him.

During the whole ordeal...we saw two priest. WH also visited and posted in this site but gave up after 3 postings. A few close friends have given a lot of advice to WH but nothing came out of that. WH is still seeking for answers himself. He is a good man and is a better catholic than me. However he stopped going to church since leaving the house. He loves daughter very much. He loves me too but is IN LOVE with OW. He will not divorce me...this i know it in my heart. He said sorry. He feels guilty like s**t...he feels torn...but at the same time he is stuck in this foggyland unable to decide!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I have asked for almost everything if we divorce and he is willing to give it all to me. He is still supporting a big portion of all the expenses without any complaint. He feels responsible for everything. He has lost a lot of weight and looks haggard too.

He still insist that it is only an emotional affair. He said he did not have the opportunity to go further because OW did not let him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Part of me don't believe this but at the same time i don't want to know the truth...not yet...not while i am at this point of time because i don't think i can handle the truth.

There you go my story in short.

The best part...is finding this site...getting advice and support from everyone. I would not have last this long if not because of all the help i have gotten.

Zizzy

My story is about the same. WH met OW at work, we both knew her from his work. She is 1 year younger than me, she has a child from a previous marriage in which her husband cheated on her.

My WH started EA in July of 03 turned into PA in August 03. I never knew until Nov 1 about any of it. I asked and he lied, I asked 3 times and he finally told the truth. I told him to get out and I wanted a divorce. He packed up a bag and left.

Then a few days later I realized what I had done and I begged him to come home. He wouldn't said he had too many feelings for OW. Finally he came home in the middle of the night one night and said he loved us and told her it was over.

Six weeks went by and he was far from the man I married. We had SR like never before. Every night, he would wake up in the middle of the night and kiss me on the forehead for no reason. But during the day he would sit around and do nothing. NOthing! It was terrible. I talked to him as much as I could. He always said the same thing I want to see her and I want to talk to her.

He was still coming home late after work. She was then on 3rd and him on 2nd. So I knew they weren't having SR anymore. But then I found condoms in his work bag. I had already cleaned some out of it when he first came back. I confronted him with it. He lied. Said didn't know where they came from. Then I said tell the truth, just like a child. He said yes I put them in there. I asked him what he was going to do he said try to get her in the parking lot. I said is it her or someone else. He said her. He came downstairs to brush his teeth and all of that. I went to the bathroom door and I said why did you come back then? He said for all the wrong reasons....I came back for the house and for Justin our S. I said you should have never come back then.

Well he attempted to leave that day again. But once again I LBed him to death and he stayed. This was a Fri. So he was even worse acting withdrawals big time. Sat. was the same. Sun he went to work, I called OW. She didn't sound like she was really in love with him, just desperate. She said they had already discussed how wrong it was, but they couldn't help themselves. That he keeps coming to see her, not her seeing him. She told him to work on his marriage. I told her lots of stuff. That she would never be welcome into his family, and that we had SR the whole time they were. I told her that every tattoo on his body I either designed or it had meaning in our marriage and that everytime she looked at them she had to think about me. That the truck she screwed him in I picked out for him. She didn't care at all. Just wanted my H and that was all there was to it.

So he stayed one more week, went to see the pastor on Sat. came home said he was here for the wrong reasons. Hurt my feelings, said terrible things to me. Told me I was terrible in bed and that he hated living with me. That night we went to bed and I cried and he held me said he was sorry. I told him it was time I let him go if that was what he wanted.

Sun. he moved out. I continued with Plan A from then until 3/5. Now we are in Plan B. It was too painful seeing him and I LBed everytime. Now in Plan B I wish I could LB and kiss him. But I can't and it is better this way. I have no hope of him coming home what so ever anymore. He doesn't care about the house or us.

I found a letter that she wrote him and in it said that her Ex had made her feel so bad about herself and that my H made her feel so good about herself. And she went on to talk about his body and stuff like that. I thought I was going to Puke. But she does have self issues and so does he, so I don't see it lasting very long at all. Hopefully it won't.

There is my sad story. I have told everyone I can think of to tell about the A. Everyone is disgusted and disappointed in him and he doesn't care at this point.

I just pray things get better for everyone here. We all deserve to be happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Zizzy,

Your thread has fallen all the way to page three of the board. Are you still with us? Are you okay? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

LL

Hi LL, Thanks for asking.

I am still here...Still in Plan B...my sixth week. I have let my posting go down the line because i have no news to tell. Don't worry if there is any big event like falling off the wagon i am sure to tell! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am still going through my ups and downs. I had a good dream of him last night and that made my morning bad. I still think of him often but getting control of my thoughts is getting better each week. I still miss him. I don't know if i want him back though. I still think of divorce.

On his side...two days ago he did text message telling me that he made an appointment to see one of that church leader i mentioned in my posting. No news after that.

He had not been to see DD for two days and that is pissing me. I know he is a good father and loves DD very very much but not seeing her for two days is untolerable for me to witness. Luckily my DD did not make a fuss about it. To my eyes he starting to be a bad father. Sometimes i think it is right for me to divorce him so that i could find a step father for my DD. A step father fully committed to be at home is better than the one she has now!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

It is beginning to feel like he is never ever going to come home and i am tired of waiting.