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Dear Daddy,
It's late at night, and I'm sitting in the middle of my bed writing to you. I've wanted to talk with you so many times during the past few weeks. But there never seems to be any time when we're alone.
Dad, I realize you're dating someone else. And I know you and Mom may never get back together. That's terribly hard to accept - especially knowing that you may never come back home or be an "everyday" dad to me and Brian again. But at least I want you to know what's going on in our lives.
Don't think Mom asked me to write this. She didn't . She doesn't know I'm writing, and neither does Brian. I just want to share with you what I've been thinking.
Dad, I feel like our family has been riding in a nice car for a long time. You know, the kind you always liked to have as a company car. It's the kind that has every extra inside and not a scratch on the outside.
But over the years, the car has developed some problems. It's smoking a lot, the wheels wobble, and the seat covers are ripped. The car's been really hard to drive or ride in because of all the shaking and squeaking. But it's still a great automobile - or at least it could be. With a little work, I know it could run for years.
Since we got the car, Brian and I have been in the backseat while you and Mom have been up front. We feel really secure with you driving and Mom beside you. But last month, Mom was at the wheel.
It was nighttime, and we had just turned the corner near our house. Suddenly, we all looked up and saw another car, out of control, heading straight for us. Mom tried to swerve out of the way, but the other car still smashed into us. The impact sent us flying off the road and crashing into a lamppost.
The thing is, Dad, just before being hit, we could see that you were driving the other car. And we saw something else: Sitting next to you was another woman.
It was such a terrible accident that we were all rushed to the hospital emergency ward. But when we asked where you were, no one knew. We're still not really sure where you are or if you were hurt or if you need help.
Mom was really hurt. She was thrown into the steering wheel and broke several ribs. One of them punctured her lungs and almost pierced her heart.
When the car wrecked, the back door smashed into Brian. He was covered with cuts from the broken glass, and he shattered his arm, which is now in a cast. But that's not the worst. He's still in so much pain and shock that he doesn't want to talk or play with anyone.
As for me, I was thrown from the car. I was stuck out in the cold for a long time with my right leg broken. As I lay there, I couldn't move and didn't know what was wrong with Mom and Brian. I was hurting so much myself that I couldn't help them.
There have been so many times since that night when I wondered if any of us would make it. Even though we're getting a little better, we're all still in the hospital. The doctor's say I'll need a lot of therapy on my leg, and I know they can help me get better. But I wish it was you who was helping me, instead of them.
The pain is so bad, but what's even worse is that we all miss you so much. Every day we wait to see if you're going to visit us in the hospital, and every day you don't come. I know it's over. But my heart would explode with joy if somehow I could look up and see you walk into my room.
At night when the hospital is really quiet, they push Brian and me into Mom's room, and we talk about you. We talk about how much we loved driving with you and how we wish you were here with us now.
Are you alright? Are you hurting from the wreck? Do you need us like we need you? If you need me, I'm here and I love you.
Your daughter,
Kimberly
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The is from the book
The Language Of Love - How to quickly communicate your feelings and needs
By Smalley and Trent
This is an example of "emotional word pictures" .... a technique to help your listener "feel" your message on a gut level.
They suggest this as a tool to lead toward greater intimacy.
This letter is "real" .... someone they minister to. But, I suppose the names are not real.
Pep
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The "car wreck" is the affair. Not an actual car wreck.
This child was getting her father to understand the aftermath of his choices ... by writing a word picture .... something he would immediately experience a visceral reaction to, not just an intelect reaction.
Pep
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This just made me ball. I wish I could send it to my WH and have it sink in at all...but he is so stupid, I mean blinded by the fog, I think it would be wasted on him.
This is exactly what my WH did to our family. We were not perfect, and I certainly was not the perfect wife, but, no matter what fogese he tries to convince himself of, we were in love and had a happy family. And there was such a better way to solve the problems we had then hit us "head on" with an A.
This articulates well something that I have been unable to articulate before now.
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Pep - is this to make us think?
When I was 11, my Dad left us...one day I came home and found all his clothes gone...my mom said he would come to see us that weekend. It was right after my 11th birthday. My brother and sister and I already knew it was over another woman, and we had already been introduced to her by Dad. She was 21. I didn't know it then, but Dad's OW and I share a birthday, and Dad had chosen to spend my birthday with his OW...that was the final straw for my mom...he had promised me something and then gone back on it and spent the day with the OW. Mom threw him out.
I was in such pain and wanted him to come home so bad. My mom suggested I write him a letter. I remember sitting down at our big table and getting out my best stationary...special parchment with beautiful pink and gold angels going down one side...I wrote my dad a love letter, begging him to come home because I missed him so much. He didn't write back to me...but he did come on the weekend.
My Dad never came home...he is still with OW and now married to her..not too many years ago, OW told me that she had seen the letter I had written to my Dad. She said it was just like the letter a lover writes to a man who has left her..."so beautiful.." she gushed at me...but ya know? That's how she saw it, how she INTERPRETED it subconsciously - as COMPETITION - his 11 year old daughter who just happened to have the same birthday as her. It gave me some insight into just how selfish some OP can be....
My Dad's OW is a real "head case" - yes, she has good in her, but she is also never going to let go, no matter what the cost. I have often, often, often thought that she "collided" with our family and left us in pieces - just like your car wreck. She was one of those desperately needy people who leave mayhem in their wake - and its not surprising, with her background...that still didn't give her justification for wrecking our family.
But you know? It was Dad's choice...Dad let go of the wheel...and after she had hit us, he let her do all the driving...
LIR
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LIR
Write OW another letter.... but on second thought...
....if she's such a cold hearted person to read your letter to your Dad and discount your hurt .... maybe do this instead...
Write your Mom a love letter, an emotional word picture ..... your Mom was great.
Pep
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My father is law died in an auto accident with his OW. His parents were not separated but we think his mom knew about her and he was getting ready to leave.
My H had to identify his body. (It was all way before I met my husband). H is one of 7 kids. Only a few were still at home at the time.
My H had lots of anger and resentment for his father about his infidelity. But still, my H did the same to me...3 times in our marriage. The sins of the father???
During his 2nd A he said he really could understand his dad more and relate to him. He wished he was around to get to know again. He seemed to embrace his corrupter.
I believe he is healed of all that now. Thank God.
<small>[ March 07, 2004, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: 4give ]</small>
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Originally posted by 4give:
So, where is that sad story from, Pep? [
Book called
The Language Of Love
"An emotional word picture is a communication tool that uses a story or object to activate simultaneously the emotions and intellect of a person. In doing so, it causes the person to experience our words, not just hear them."
I haven't finished the entire book, but I thought I'd bring this story to the board for a couple of special people.
Pep
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Hi Pep,
I've given up on trying to have a R with my Dad in which OW is not included. A few years ago, there was a family bust-up - OW LB big-time at my uncle's birthday party...since then, relations with her and extended family have been cool...but polite...anyway, it became clear that Dad wanted me to continue having a R with her...he asked me to...that's the way he wants it...I accept that she is part of his life and I am positive to her about her good points...
But yes, she has invaded every private area of my R with my dad...even recording our phone conversations and letting me know later that she had listened to every word...but it was my dad who helped me through H's affairs...Dad called me a lot...whenever he was alone, and I was alone...he tried very hard to keep H and I together, and his advice was very useful, since he had been a male WS, and he wanted to help me not make the same mistakes he felt my mom made...he helped me keep my cool many times...and always let me know how much he loved me and how much he regretted having damaged our lives all so much...Dad is in a position where he feels he made mistakes but there is no was to go back...
Yes, I am going to write my mom - at this point, I talk to her every day, but I can hear she is weakening...there are things I need to say...she is a marvelous person...who taught me so much about grace under pressure...dignity...."never let yourself stoop to their level...if you do, then she's won.." she would say..."try to live your life, so that when you are done, you can respect yourself..."...so many things she taught me not just by talking to me, but by walking through the fire herself....
Great concept...I will have to sit down and try it...
Thanks so much for posting this...I hope you are OK. Can I ask how your mom is doing? I have been away for awhile...
LIR
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Oh LIR .... you brought a tear to my eye!
Mom is dying. I have taken a leave from work, and I am going to drive to stay with Mom and Dad for her final days/weeks.
I think I am going on Wednesday.
I just feel so lost.... where are the words to say to her how much she has meant to me?
I am happy you made peace with your Dad.
Such a lot to say to those who held our hand when we were little.... baked all my birthday cakes... gave me perms.... taught me to bake sugar cookies like grand-ma....
>sigh<
Pep
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PEP
I know what you mean about how much they mean to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mother. I can't even imagine that I have to go through that some day. That is one heart break I can not even think about. You are such an inspiration to the rest of us, we wouldn't know what to do without you here. Wish there was something we could do for your pain as well. Hugs.
NY
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Dear Pep, (((((Pep))))) - I know how you feel - my mom is going in for a CT scan tomorrow - her liver is enlarged, and my sister and I are afraid it has metastisized to her liver now - we know time is going to be short if that's true...my brother died of liver failure 3 years ago... I know how you feel...I want to say so much to her...and can't think what I could say that could mean anything...she knows how much she means to me (I think) - because of Mom and Dad's D, my sis and I have been very close to her emotionally. I guess most of all, I want to give her hope for her new life...my mom is not ready to die...she has a lot of regrets...and this isn't what she wanted...I know she is not happy about it and neither are we...somehow we have to come to terms with that...I am trying to keep her spirits up by chatting with her the same as always about all the stuff we are both interested in...politics, religion...health matters, the kids...emotions...my future goals...all that...at the same time, I feel like I should be trying to find a way to help her talk about her feelings...tonight she said "I'm going to leave all my silk to you...all the pieces I have saved that I never made anything with...' She is saying stuff like that now...I can see her...sitting in her room, going through her books and papers and all that "stuff" every person gathers around her all their life...trying to let go of it...one thing she is doing is making a photo album for us of her life...starting with her baby pictures....its a gorgeous album, and tells us all about herself, and identifies all the people in those old pictures for us...her friends in the WACs during the war, etc.... I will pray for you, Pep - you mom must be one hell of a woman - look at how YOU turned out! Hey what LIFE you got in you, girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Are you a Christian? When I was 16 I had a dream - I was running around inside my house, crying out for help (you got an idea what kind of life we were leading then) - my brother said to me, stop, don't you hear the knocking on the door? I stopped and yes, there was someone knocking on the door. I opened the door, and there was a huge STOP sign outside. I stopped, it disappeared and then, before me stood the most beautiful sight I have ever seen before or since - a King stood outside my door, in all his glory. He looked like the King in a chess game - that shape, very tall and looking down at me - this radiant otherworldly being standing there - in MY world, on my doorstep. He seemed to be wearing a long cloak that reached the ground - so he had this chesspiece King shape - not a shape like a human body. There was nothing "human" about him but his eyes, which were dark and so full of love for me I couldn't believe it, but felt in love just gazing at them - and why was he so beautiful? Because he was made up of jewels - living jewels of every colour of our universe, known and unknown - tiny, moving specks of living radiant light that crawled all over his robe in a kaleidescope of psychedelic colour - I was mezmerized, because I KNEW these jewels WERE his body and that they were alive! And on his head he wore a crown of fire-jewels that leaped up and down all around his head like living flames. I asked him if he had come to help me and his eyes just told me how much he loved me. I stepped outside my house. That "vision" has stayed with me all my life, Pep - I was not a Christian and knew nothing about the Holy Spirit and had never heard of Pentecost. It was years before I sat in a Christian church and heard the gospel story of Pentecost. I called him my Fairy King and carried him around in my heart. Now I know who He was, and I'm sharing him with you because in my heart I wonder who those jewels on his robe were - in our Church, we refer to ourselves as "the body of Christ" - all believers are "the body of Christ" - maybe when we die, we become one of those jewels that I saw...... I know your Mom is going to sparkle! LIR P.S. (Hope you don't think I'm crazy)
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P.S. (Hope you don't think I'm crazy)
I can't tell if you are crazy or not ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I can tell you are a lovely warm caring beautiful soul.
Yes, I have been called to His supper .... but your story is soooo great! Jewels and everything!
Pep
<small>[ March 07, 2004, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>
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Thanks Pep - Ya know, I'm too old to worry whether people think I'm crazy or not! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Since I have a lot of really crazy family members, I KNOW I'm not crazy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'll pray for you - take care. Gotta go to bed now and get some beauty sleep! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> LIR
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Lady_In_Red, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ut yes, she has invaded every private area of my R with my dad...even recording our phone conversations and letting me know later that she had listened to every word.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't understand why you would have any relationship whatsoever with someone who behaved so badly toward you - not to mention toward your mother. I realize your father asked you to, but that was an unreasonable and cruel request under the circumstances.
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Dear Pep,
I am sorry to hear about your mom. Let us know what we can do from this end. ok?
Thank you for taking the time to post this letter. I believe this is the same book that Cali used to recommend. It is a touching and heartfelt letter. Cuts to the core as it should.
Hugz,
L.
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Hi Pep, Thank you for taking the time to post this letter. I see your point about trying to get your listener to "feel" the messages, and as a woman I can relate to the story told between the lines. But - in my case my H is very much a "Cut the BS" - "Get to the Point" kind of guy. That is why I try to keep my requests short and succinct. Unfortunately, this method of writing or speaking would drive him bonkers before he got the point. I did use a similar method when trying to describe the damage his A had done to our M when I had ran out of words in trying to describe the hurt I was feeling. I believe that at one point I likened our M to a house (he's in construction). I remember saying that what happened with the A was - "Like an earthquake had rocked the foundation of our house but that it was still standing. There were some cracks that needed to be repaired, the foundation needed immediate reinforcement, but the house was still habitable and would continue to serve as a home for us and our family if we were willing to do the necessary repairs" That imagery seemed to work for him. Our house is still standing, it's just got this funny smell in a couple of the rooms and could use a good "airing out". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Take Care, Shelle
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Pep,
Great story, and great idea about the word picture. I like analogies, so that falls right in line with the way I like to think and communicate. Shelle's idea about the house and foundation is a good idea - something a lot of men can relate to, even if they don't discuss feelings well.
About your Mom. My Mom died almost 16 years ago, when she was only 46. She was having a rough time of things, with recently diagnosed lung cancer and having survived a serious heart attack about a year prior. She was at home though, and up and around and cooking meals and everything.
I was working full time and going to college at nights (no kids yet) and it was the week before finals. I was going to go visit her on the weekend after finals for a much needed rest and replenish session. I almost always went to see her after finals, to sleep and visit and regroup. But I just kept missing her and wanting to see her. I couldn't get her off my mind. So I finally phoned her up and said "Mom, I've got finals next week and I really need to be studying. And I know I'm going to be up the weekend after finals, but still. Would it be okay if I came up and did my studying there? I won't be much company..." Well of course she said come on and bring your books.
So I went up and did my studying and we talked and chatted and visited some. I went home and had one final Monday night and one on Tuesday night. She died Tuesday and I got the phone call late that night, after my last exam.
That loss was the hardest thing I've endured in my life, other than my H's EA. I have always been SO THANKFUL I had a chance to visit with my Mom that weekend. So glad I didn't listen to reason or common sense telling me I was going to see her the next weekend anyway.
Go, and be with your Mom. And don't worry about how to tell her everything that is filling your heart literally to overflowing. She knows, because she's your Mom. Your being there is all she needs.
Much peace and love to you, Pep.
<small>[ March 08, 2004, 09:55 AM: Message edited by: turtlehead ]</small>
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