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Please take a look at my post in the resolving conflict page...I need some help and didn't know where was best to ask....Thanks
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Welderboy, I will pray that you open your heart and mind to her pleas and listen to what she is telling you. It sounds like she loves you very much but just wants you to meet her needs. She can fall in love with you if you identify and learn to meet her needs. A good first start would be to run to the book store and get His Needs, Her Needs by Harley. Ask her to take the Emotional Needs questionaire from this website so you can understand what she needs and start meeting those needs. You have alot of work to do, but this is very promising! Don't lose hope! Start reading here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.htmlPrint out 2 copies of this along with the emotional needs questionaires. Take it yourself and ask your wife to fill one out too. Then you can exchange copies: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html
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Welder, I have brought over your link so others can go straight to your other thread. Welderboy's threadYou have brought your request over to the infidelity site. Is this a factor in your M? L.
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Thanks for the replies, no there is no third party involved in this. My wife had just phoned...she calls me the minute her alarm goes off...we always started our day together and took turns making the coffee. Man this has been a true awakening.
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Well...I wanted to give a little update...and ask for advice and more prayer. Deb and I have really been spending some close time together....I have spent 5 or 6 nights with her at her place and she has stayed with me at our home twice.We both have been seeing the same councelor and will go together for the 1st. time Monday.
Now ....what's wrong? Yesterday she phoned and said she was going to spend the day alone to help clear her head, and the lady that phones me 2 or 3 times a day hasn't been heard from since. She did say that just because she wants to be alone, she doesn't love me any less....she just needs to find herself and clear her head. Thanks people...I just miss the sound of her voice at bed time...and I love her tons.
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I just ran into Deb at the store....we had hugs and a kiss...shopped together and she is going to call me tonight. She said this time alone is for her....she has no plans right now, and is going day to day. Told me to pick her up at work to go Monday eve. to counseling together then a dinner.
Please give me some insight on this "time alone".
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Hi Welder,
That is something she has to explain. Tell me when you love someone would you want to be with them as much as you can? Respecting each other's time and space but still be with them? Marriage is based on the desire to share one's life together. More time apart than together is not healthy for marriages yet that is what happens to most of us due to things like work and other responsibilities.
What events in her life do you think contributes to this 'need to be alone'?
L.
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Orchid...she has a real stressful career, plus her Mother is really close, but has just moved...her Dad and Mom share time between the apartment in which Deb is now and a home 4 hrs. away. Her parents have been married 40 years and since her Dad has retired, have been having tons of issues in their own marriage. I think her mom is pulling Deb away?
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Welder,
When 2 are married, they become 1. Start a family different than the one they each came from. Not better or worse but different. A new family.
It is then the responsibility of each family member of that new family to work on keeping it together. An old passage reads: "...For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and stick to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has yoked together let no man put apart."
This passage is a wise one. Even the parents of the couple are not allowed to pull the new marriage apart.
So if what you say is true, it is not proper for a parent to encourage their child to leave a M unless one's safety is at stake.
Yet she said she needed time to be alone. Something isn't making sense. Does it to you?
L.
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No it doesn't make sense to me either, but hope that at counseling Monday eve I'll learn something. The only thing I can think of...is that it was a really big thing for her to leave...and things since then have been great and moving really quickly...maybe she just wants to pull back and make sure we are where we need to be. The Bible verse is a great one and I'm a Christian, I pray each day for the Lord to let my heart touch hers and have the chance to right my past wrongs. Thanks.
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The latest....I went to my wives workplace to pick her up as planned to go to counseling....and she called me into her office where she began crying and saying she was sorry. Seems that she had a rotten day at work and with the trouble her parents are having said she was'nt ready to go. Told me a few times she was sorry and that she loved me...and she hadn't brought her nerve pills...Adavan to work and she just wanted to go home. Any advice? I myself attended the session.
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TTT.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Any thoughts?
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It is probably going to take more history than this for us (me at least) to have an idea of what is going on. You want to work on things - really badly. She is afraid - or wanting space for some reason.
What is your plan? How are you coping with this difference in your feelings?
Do you get anxious and show it so - that she is afraid of you? Have you asked her what she thinks is the problem?
I think part of the problem is that these things take time, and often we men want ACTION NOW !
Does that make sense?
SS
PS, I think many don't know what to say to you, so they just don't post. Remember we are not experts, just fellow travelers. If you don't get a reply, just post again with more of what is happening, someone usually comes along in time.
<small>[ April 13, 2004, 06:27 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>
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Tonight...I'll post a update, the last few days have been wild. We spent 5 days and nights together and all was great. Visited my in laws and just enjoyed each others company....she went to counseling at lunch Monday and phone that afternoon....telling me she needed space again to figure herself out. She says she loves me....but still don't know what she wants. I went to that same counselor last night and was told to beleive in myself and our love....give her space to miss me and our relationship. That she sees a girl that is mixed up...but has tons of signs of love for me. Later.
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sounds like you've got a good counselor based on what you've said and does sound encouraging. i'm still new at this so all i feel i can say right now is hang in there, continue to go to counseling even if it's just yourself,and continue to go to the best counselor of all, God. prayers to you.
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hi welderboy, i just wanted to add my encouragement to your post as well. Can you share more about the two of you, how old are you, how long married, any kids?? OK, i see you are married 6.5 yrs.
I agree, you seem to have a great counsoler, just keep loving her. Learn her emotional needs. If there has been distance between you both for many years, it's just going to take some time for her to feel comfortable and safe re-committing herself to her.
use this time to work on yourself. understand why your relationship got the way it was.
good luck
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Man...I'm confused. The same lady that asked for space...phoned me before work, and twice today. We had to schedule to drop her car off at the dealer Sunday night....and she said she is really looking forward to dinner and seeing me that night. The other day she said she wants freedom, but knows you can't have both....in a marriage. May 1st is 7 years since our first date and ct 14th will be 5 years of marriage. Thanks for the prayers and let us heal and grow.
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A little about us...I'm 44 and she is 39. We both work alot, although my job isn't stressful like hers. She is a human resources recruiter for a dog racing/gaming center...and is faced with job postings, interveiws, orientation of new hires etc. very fast paced. I've been learning my faults as be both began counceling 2/18/04 on a weekly basis. I have a 16yr. old son from my first marriage and met W after she came away from a physical abused relationship/marriage.
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Hi Welderboy,
Is your name your job?
Oh shoot, I got off subject already.
I think you would do well to get the book "His needs, Her needs" and read that, and maybe also "Fall in love, stay in love."
It sounds like you are a lot like me, and need to work on you as much as anything.
It took me about a year and a half to get where I wanted to be - sometimes it was pretty good, and somtimes I wondered if things would EVER be where we wanted them to be. My problem was Love Busters - habits that destroy romantic love. By getting the books, and doing what I learned, we have restored our love for each other, and life is good.
What are you working on right now - you seem to think you are learning something about YOU in counseling. What direction are you going in working on your own issues?
SS
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Yes I'm a ASME code pressure vessel and pipe welder or a chemical plant, 23 yrs. I am a classic example of "love Buster" as I have a warm heart and a sharp tongue...I picked apart my wife with a smart mouth and hurtful things I'd say and really not even think.
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