Somebody sent me all this in an email and I read it a while back from the board. The funny thing is my WH wants me to move on with my life. Says I shouldn't feel guilty for moving on. This is what he told me when we last spoke on the Wed. that I started crying and he kissed me and stuff. He said he has moved on and it was time for me too. I said okay. Then I implemented Plan B to protect myself. I honestly don't think he cares, really and truly. He thinks that OW is the cats [censored]. I can't figure it out and neither can his own mother. But she must have something over me. I cook, clean, sew, am a mother, lover, friend, baker, hair dresser, pimple popper what more could I do for the man other than wipe his [censored]? Honestly I don't get it. He has problems of his own, depression. I can't help him, because he won't help himself. Right now she is the antidepressant for him. All I can do is watch, and see him fall once and for all I guess.

The funny thing is my WH wants me to move on with my life. Says I shouldn't feel guilty for moving on
This is a typical comment from a ws.
If YOU move on, then he does not have to shoulder ALL the blame for the demise of the marriage.
After all, if you move on, then you really didn't want it. (this is not something they are consciously thinking about, but it is simply the way humans will try to justify things to themselves)

Ny, that is exactly my WH told me. GO find someone else.

I just finished reading Carol's story. It really inspired me. I willl be myself from now on. I will be happy. He will see how much he missed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do think that he is gone forever though. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, Hopeful..I'm the one who is supposed to think everything is hopeless and that things aren't happening quickly enough, NOT YOU? Remember? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You've only been in Plan B for 5 days. Yes, I wanted mine to turn around that fast, but it hasn't. I've been in sort of an on-again-off-again Plan B (haven't seen him though) since 2/25 and mine shows no immediate signs of coming back either. I just can't give up hope yet, though.

LL

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Chris- Do I just keep going on with my life and kids without him? I mean what if I go out and someone asks me to dance. I wouldn't if him and I were together, so do I just keep respecting that we are married? I am glad you told me that this is a typical response. I have not heard or read this anywhere else on the board or any place else for that matter. I was very pushed over by that statement. He looked me right in the eye and said don't feel guilty for moving on with your life, and I said but I do because we are still married and just because you chose to cheat, I don't want to. Half the time I don't know if I am coming or going anymore. I am doing so much better in Plan B now though. So even if our marriage is over, this is the way I would have wanted it to end. The tears and the pain were too much for me in Plan A, mostly because of the kids and their pain. Chris keep talking to me.

L&H

You take care of yourself first, that is what I am doing. Me and the kids and that is all I am worrying about right now.

LL

I am a lot like you, just a calmer version. I worry and think, somedays I want him, somdays I don't. Somedays I wish someone would pinch me and wake me up. Someday I wish someone would shoot me and put me to sleep. I think they are all normal feelings from everything I have read. I am reading in the meantime, and not just friends right now. And the bible. I get most of my strength from the Lord, my kids, spider slayer and the MB board member and vets.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Do I just keep going on with my life and kids without him?
I guess you could sit in a dark room and cry a lot. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> But that wouldn’t be productive for your kids or real healthy for you.

I mean what if I go out and someone asks me to dance.
As long as it’s a girl, okay. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> No guys though.

so do I just keep respecting that we are married?
Absolutely. But his does not mean you cannot do things on without him.

I said but I do because we are still married and just because you chose to cheat, I don't want to.
Bravo for you!!!

So even if our marriage is over, this is the way I would have wanted it to end.
Plan B is not the end of your marriage. You are still married until you are divorced. It’s like "a little bit pregnant." Either you are or you aren’t. You are not shopping around either. If you get asked out, you tell them you are married.

I also got the "move on with your life" line. What a bunch of crap!!! He told me I could date if I wanted to, but he would like me to tell him first so he doesn't hear it from someone else. LOL! The same respect he gave to our marriage vows when he was screwing his whore on the side? Of course, not!

I asked him to please not date because we are married. He said we are separated. I said we are still married!!!! I will not date. Not at all. I have respect for the vows and I will never go back on my sacred vow.

I really miss him. :-(

That is the way I feel. Our 7th wedding anniversary is coming up on April 12th. It is going to be a hard day for me. I wonder if he will think about it too?

Chris keep talking to me.....you make me think...I like the way you think and you keep me in line and with a clear prospective on what I am doing. Without you and the others where would I be? I a dark room crying alone.....Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I forgot to tell everyone, as we were talking about this the other day on another thread and I can't find it anywhere. I received a card in the mail from my MIL.....and this is what it said.

The front of the card says Wishing you a day of blessings...

Inside she wrote:

Hi Tracee

Hope you are doing as good as can be expected. I think of you everyday.

Life sure is not easy and we always question why. Some day we may see a reason.

The lord gave you 2 beautiful gifts-
Britni and Justin they are your priority right now. The time and patience that you spend on them already shows.

You probably are finding out that you have strength that you didn't know that you had.

No matter what you do, the Lord is always there. You can talk to him. He will guide you, quite often unknowingly.

Miss you and love you lots-

Mom


Isn't that sad? I cried for 4 hours over that card. Boy I wish she had rubbed some of that off on her son.

I also forgot to mention that I had a little anger party with myself today. I went out to the garage and ripped all of his Yamaha snowmobile and motorcycle posters down and burned them in the burn barrel. I guess it was better than beating him up right. It felt good, mostly because the man the used to like that stuff is gone. Maybe someday if he resurfaces again he can get new posters.......maybe not.

Hopeful,

Hey, it was therapy!

Beats what I considered doing. My WH's nice, shiny Harley sat in our garage for about three months after I found out about his A, before he took it and stored it somewhere else. While I was hurt about it's being moved (long before Plan B) because I felt it was just one more sign that he was done with me, it was probably a wise thing.

He has NO idea how many times I pulled my car into the garage and contemplated the brief joy I would have gotten out of hitting his bike with the front of my car and knocking it over on it's shiny chrome side. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

LL

NY , I really enjoyed reading this thread , you seem to be off to a good start in PLAN B .

It does take awhile sometimes (months) to see a change or what your doing to affect him .

Getting things done around the house little by little will raise an eyebrow from him .

Maybe not the first thing but , wait and see he will call or leave a note around saying something . It may be about the rails when he shows up one day and they are done .

It may sound like oh glad to see ya got the rails done , but ya can bet its more like wow she is doing with out me .

Also OW and him need this time to really deal with the HOLE concept of a RELATIONSHIP not PARTY TIME !!!

PS- love the NY talk I am from queens ,,, talkin STUFF , PEEPS ect. You be strong girl , everyone here is great . and arks little PLANT a SEED in his head is great !! It works

One more thing , does your MIL live close BY?

If so when you are feeling strong enough ,,, FIX that hair dress and smell nice go and bake her a cake or buy her favorite dessert and bring it to her stop by to say hi and thanks for your wonderful words . Short visit on your way out some where.

MY MIL was/is my very best freind through all with husband . she was with me through everything night and day at times .

If she lives far away send her flowers and a card to tell her that you appreciate you being in her thoughts and she is in yours .

Your kindness will also go back to your H . I am not saying its not sincere ,it will servere to perposes.

3IAC

I am glad you are enjoying this thread as much as I am. Plan B is hard and I love all the support and ideas that I am getting off this thread. Plus I just don't know what I would do without you all. You are just like the only friends that I have in this. I can say whatever I want and someone always agrees or just gives me something better or different to think about. Since coming to MB I have a feeling I will never give this board up. As long as I have a computer I will be here, and when I am a vet I will be glad to help someone else, even if it is through a divorce. I think I will go visit his MIL, she lives out by him 50 min from here. But I could meet her for lunch or breakfast sometime. We were best friends before the A, and I do miss her. We even talked about Sex and everything, she used to make me laugh so hard we would cry. Anyway keep the posting going it has been fun and it keeps me from getting lonely.

If you where always close to her then make sure you stay that way . Like I said my MIL is my best freind , this KILLED OW there was NO way she would even meet her , although I told my MIL she would have to for the love her son ,, she called him and told him she would NEVER EVER meet her even if it meant loosing her son . It was wonderful . I am not saying all mothers would do that to there child , but mine did.

H lost everyone friends /family/ because of the way he went about this by having an A .

I played the good guy telling all they should deal with it , but the more they saw what he did while in fog the more they would never be around him .

THIS pushed OW to know she wasn't apart of HIS world .

PLAN B is a great place to be scary at times , also the anger and reage will sneak up on you . I suggest when you get healther kick boxing or boxing it helps take out the anger .

Music like CHER will help ya feel strong . be around freinds and vent when needed.

After I received the card in the mail, I sent her one of our new family portraits of me and the two kids. A really big one so she can hang it on the wall and he has to look at it whenever he goes there. Which is all the time. Also so if OW ever did go there she would have to look at me also. My MIL told me she supposed she would have to meet her someday, but she wouldn't like it. I wrote her a letter and mailed it with the portrait and told her that she didn't have to accept her into the family and that it wasn't right if she did because we love them and we aren't just replaceable items. It will strike her in the heart. She is very emotional and very religious. She was a sunday school teacher for a while. She knows what he is doing is wrong. I also told her that if he ever got his head out of his [censored], he has a whole family waiting for him. Maybe she will push on him a little from that side. I also told her that the OW isn't 1/2 the woman that I am and that she would never take care of her son the way I did. Hopefully she will rub some of that into him a little when he comes over. Maybe she won't say anything. I tried not to be rude. I told her that this was a blessing in disguise because I was far from happy myself, and that I was working on me, finding myself and the Lord also. I gave her a list of books that I thought she should read to help her understand what WH is going through and that he should read them too. Ha ha, like that would ever happen.

He will be pissed about the posters, but I consider this my house now. He left for OW. I did notice that he took my daughters go-kart and that really pisses me off. He must have taken it while I wasn't here. Every time he comes he takes something. That has to stop for sure. It was a painful reminder to have those posters in teh garage so I had to get rid of them. That man doesn't exsist anymore anyway, some a*****e took his place, ya know? Anyway, life rolls on. I am making changes in the house and he will notice when he comes and he will pay for it also.

My MIL told me she supposed she would have to meet her someday, but she wouldn't like it.
My Father-in-law threatened wankstain numerous times.
My brother-in-law said, "let's get in the car and drive down there. It'll only take 20 hours or so."

She doesn't have to meet her if she doesn't want to. And it would be a bigtime disrespectful to his mother if he took her to meet her while you are still married.

Chris

What about him has been respectful so far? Nothing. I wouldn't put it past him. Maybe he already has. I don't think he has. His brother even said he better not bring her here, and that is where he is living with his brother. I am not sure what will happen. We have spent every Easter, Christmas and Birthdays with his Mom so it would be interesting to see how the family treats OW. I told OW when I spoke to her that his family already told me she would never be accepted into the family and she didn't care. All the stacks are against them so far, his family doesn't want to meet her or be around her, and my son isn't allowed around her for 6 months. She must feel like the leper that she is.....atleast I hope she does.

Thanks for listening....

NY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And it would be a bigtime disrespectful to his mother if he took her to meet her while you are still married.

I speak from experience--that REALLY hurts. My WH took the OW to meet his friend (the one he's now dumped because the friend had the nerve to call me and tell me), AND he took her to meet his mother--both visits were early on in his relationship. His mother is odd though. I'm sure she just thinks, "well, whatever is best for WH is fine with me."

He hasn't taken her to see his dad's family yet. Though they are not pleased with what he's doing or how he's doing it, I think they'd accept her eventually, too, though because their marriage is the result of an A and they'd feel guilty if they didn't.

All the stacks are against them so far, his family doesn't want to meet her or be around her, and my son isn't allowed around her for 6 months.

This has GOT to be working in your favor!

LL

LL

You are doing very well I see the last couple of days. Once you get past the first few days it is very easy after that. Just quit thinking so hard about everything all the time. I hope all this is working in my favor, I have accepted though that if it isn't then it isn't. Life will go no with or without him. There are tons of fish in the sea, hopefully I won't have to go fishing anytime soon. But it is nice to know they are there just in case my fish chokes on her cooking or something.....LOL. Take care of yourself and pray hard I do every night. Sometimes I say "are you listening GOD"? And then I say "yeah I know you are, or I would be living in a cardboard box without my kids". He is there you just have to trust in that. And listen to Chris.....great advice giver.