I am in Plan B, which is going quite swimmingly actually. I am really enjoying my life now. I do have some questions about it though and I could use some answers. There are a few things about the house and so on that need to be communicated to WH. I have written up a letter that I will give to my mother and when he comes to get S on Wed. from there she can give it to him. This is the letter.......

I will be at Walmart getting an oil change and running some errands this morning so you can go back to the house if you would like, and then just drop him off at Mom's at noon.

I need my halt out of the top of the toolbox that you took for when me and the kids go bike riding please.

I can't do a legal separation until the house business is settled, so things will remain as they are until then.

Wondering if you have contacted anyone about the handrails yet and the railings for the porches?

Also the overhead garage door will not open about 50% of the time. It is hitting on a wooden beam where you have already shaven some off and I am not sure what exactly to do about it. Maybe you could have the people that come for porches look at this also.

Justin will be starting counseling soon, as will Britni. He will be going to the Family and Children's Center in Ithaca. There will probably be occassions where you will need to take him on Weds. because I am sure the therapist would also like to see you with him. You will be getting the bills for this also. He has many issues still, none that you will probably notice because of the small amount of time you are with him now. He bit his sister extremely hard on her neck and left a huge mark there. He tried to stab me with a small screwdriver, and he did in the hand. He also has ripped his blanket again. He also talks about you and leaving and when you are going to come home again and the same old stuff. He still wants a new dad, one that won't leave, one that will have ice cream in bed with him and do Easter Eggs with him and so on. Potty training is still an issue also. I do believe that I have held off long enough for counseling for him and for Britni because none of her symptoms are due to food allergy. They seem to be purely anxiety and attention getting symptoms. I think she is calling out for some help in her own way, she is also in a lot of pain from this experience.

I have not given this letter yet because it is not Wed. yet. Now my question is.....is this okay type of contact? We still have a child together and we still own a home together. I have to have some sort of communication with him on these business levels. He does not have email. So how does everyone else communicate about these things? If we don't get the handrails and railings our homeowners insurance is going to cancel us.

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: HopefulinNY ]</small>

I will be at Walmart getting an oil change and running some errands this morning so you can go back to the house if you would like, and then just drop him off at Mom's at noon.
Drop off who? Make arrangements that don’t have to be altered. For example, he will drop off (your son?) every Wednesday at noon at your mother’s house.

I need my halt out of the top of the toolbox that you took for when me and the kids go bike riding please.
Get a new top.

I can't do a legal separation until the house business is settled, so things will remain as they are until then.
So? Let them stay as they are.

Wondering if you have contacted anyone about the handrails yet and the railings for the porches?
YOU contact someone about the handrails. You are not helpless and if oyu get divorced you will not be able to rely on him for this type of stuff.

Also the overhead garage door will not open about 50% of the time. It is hitting on a wooden beam where you have already shaven some off and I am not sure what exactly to do about it. Maybe you could have the people that come for porches look at this also.
Why can’t YOU have the porch people look at it?


Justin will be starting counseling soon, as will Britni.
Doesn’t he know this already? If not, keep it brief. (2 lines).

Now my question is.....is this okay type of contact?
I think you are putting in ALL kinds of stuff which don’t require ANY contact

I have to have some sort of communication with him on these business levels
What can you do on your own? If he were to get this stuff done, what would he require from you?

I can see communicating about the rails and the garage door if this is something that's kind of been interrupted midstream. No point in both of you waiting on the other one to take care of it, but if he was already intending to call someone, you don't need to both be calling repair people...

On second thought, though, just leave it for a couple of weeks or a month. If no one shows up, handle it yourself.

The part from "He has many issues still, none that you will probably notice because of the small amount of time you are with him now." to the end should just be cut out. The line I quoted is a disrespectful judgement and the rest comes across as a lot of blame laying and guilt tripping.

If something is really amiss, and if he is at the counselor's occasionally, he'll find out.

I pretty much agree with Chris unless there's a REAL NEED to say something... like maybe the garage door leaves you vulnerable to burglars and you have reason to think he's already called someone to handle it.

Hi Chris

I haven't heard from you in a while. Nice to hear from you again.

Drop off who? Make arrangements that don’t have to be altered. For example, he will drop off (your son?) every Wednesday at noon at your mother’s house. He really has no place to go with a three year old unless I leave, so I was giving him the house until the weather breaks and he could take him to the playground or something. We have standing arrangements for him to just take him and find something to do. Yes my son.

Get a new top.
It is just a can of pepper spray, I can get a new one.

I can't do a legal separation until the house business is settled, so things will remain as they are until then.
I told him I would be getting one and now I can't I was just letting him know. I can take this out and forget about it.

Wondering if you have contacted anyone about the handrails yet and the railings for the porches? YOU contact someone about the handrails. You are not helpless and if oyu get divorced you will not be able to rely on him for this type of stuff.

He said he was getting some names when we were in Plan A, and he has to pay for it. I can get my own people and mail him the bill.

Justin will be starting counseling soon, as will Britni.

No he does not know, he knows the Dr. suggested it but he doesn't know that I called to make it happen.

What can you do on your own? If he were to get this stuff done, what would he require from you?
Right now I do everything on my own. He walked out on our kids, me and this whole old house that needs so much work. I am a SAHM waiting for a SSD claim to come through and I am doing the best I can. I have had two back surgeries and some of the stuff I am doing is totally not anything I should be doing. Taking out trash and so on. I always griped about how he made everything so hard around here when he was here. Now that he is gone everything is still hard from the garage door to burning the trash. I will edit and leave some extra words out.

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 04:38 PM: Message edited by: HopefulinNY ]</small>

I agree with the others. There is much that can be taken out. I have had to learn to just report the facts myself.

It is hard. There are so many words I want to insert into a business conversation, email, letter. But pretend you are a reporter.

Just the facts, ma'am.

SS

Find someone else to help you. You're in Plan B. Don't let the man in the house, don't ask him for stuff, and don't offer him stuff. He doesn't need to know any of this stuff.

That's right, NONE of it.

If you need him to take the kids to counseling at some point, fine, let him know that. And yes, send him the bills for the repairs. But DO NOT tell him stuff. He doesn't have that privilege anymore.

Just J -

I wanted to commend you on your use of the word "stuff" in that post! I love it.

Did you hear her, New Yorker??? None of that stuff needs to go in that letter!

He doesn't need to know all that stuff. That stuff is your business, not his.

Hm. Stuff. I like it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> SS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks peeps, I got it! Too much info.

I won't give as much in the letter.

Thanks for advice that is what I was looking for!

The evil Ark side of me...while sticking to plan B...would take advantage of some things if he is coming to the home....

I would try to have just cooked something in the oven that makes the place smell really really good...the sense of smell is the strongest scent in relationship to triggering the brain...
engage his senses to facilitate what he is leaving...nothing like taking advantage of the frontal lobe where all those emotions are stored...

have a plate of his favorite cookies/brownies there...bet warty OW isn't spending much time cooking goodies for him....she probably doesn't wash her hands enough..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I would also consider leaving out vacation brochures on the counter...where he sees them.places perhaps you have gone before with the family...or talked about going...
just sitting there....life goes on eh?

If he is going to the house you have lists you havre written...have a "INVITE LIST" and fill it with the friends and family names question marks and doodles...plan a dream party.... you would have if you were having company.....
get his curiousity going....

Leave photo albums out on the table in a state of dissarray that appears you were just going through organizing pictures.....

and if you really feel evil get a fresh bouquet of flowers...and a helium balloon that says have a nice day..or even better thank you....and place it there....
no card
no word
no mention...

It is plan B right????

and while I realize these smack of game playing...is it...???

no it's the forcing of the hand of the reality of his choices...and engaging the five senses...

life does go on...

ARK

Thank you all for showing/advising different ways to handle various situations. I think the hardest thing to do would be find the balance between them but if you could, wow what a difference I'm sure it will make.

NY, This is a great thread. You are getting a lot of good advice. I learn a lot too.

ARK

That is great. I am on my way to the store as we speak, that stuff is right up my alley. I love to see him squirm. I have called someone myself to do the porch railings, because like everything else it won't get done unless I do. He can't see past the fog. I am leaving everything out of the letter other than I won't be at the house so he can come.

I have a lot of work to do today, baking and buying some flowers, and making some vacation plans and some lists of people to invite over. I might even have to put a few of the other sex on the list if you know what I mean.

Keep on giving that great advice! We live for it as the sufferers in this game we call life!


L&H I am glad you are learning with me.

NY

ARK

I did everything you said the flowers and all. I made cookies..he didn't eat any though. WH ate the taco bake left over from dinner last night instead...LOL.

Here is the letter I gave my mom to give him:

I will not be home at all this morning so you can go back to the house if you would like, and then just drop him off at Mom's at noon.

That was it. I called someone about the porches myself and he coming to work on them. I did not talk to him or see him at all. I did really good with Plan B and I feel great. I do think that he is gone forever though. I am going to move on with life now. He is still with OW and is showing no sign of the fog clearing. I am not willing to wait the other half of my life for someone to love me again. Plan B makes me feel better though.

HopefulinNY

don't forget to hang some "sexy" underware some place that he will see it!!!!!! (get his mind twirling! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
Put some flowers in your bedroom......and don't forget to drop your new & sexy nighty someplace that he'll see it.

Just don't make these things too obvious, let it appear as if you were in a rush. Also make sure that the house smells like you. Sprinkel abit of your favorite perfume around. (not too much)

Oooopssss I guess my advise came too late.......... Maybe there will be a next time.
take care
bb

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 01:38 PM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

I did everything you said the flowers and all. I made cookies..he didn't eat any though. WH ate the taco bake left over from dinner last night instead...LOL.
Why is he eating your food? He shouldn't.

Good Question Chris. If I was talking to him I would ask him. He was here at the house with S for 3 hours before he had to go to work. So he fed S lunch and ate lunch himself I guess. I wish that there was some place else he could take him so he didn't have to come to the house at all actually. He lives 50 min away from here and he only has from 9-12 on Wed. and there is no place for him to take a 3 year old. Last time he took him to Walmart and McDonalds for 3 hours. Maybe when the weather breaks he will take him to the playground or something instead of me leaving and him coming here. Maybe by then his name will be off the house and it will be all mine anyway. Wouldn't that be nice?...Yes it would.

Chris I just love the way you think and speak!

Hi...I loved Arks suggestions and wondered if you followed them and had any good results.

(Sometimes these threads are like a 'real life 'soap opera and sometimes there are beautiful and happy endings!)

Could you tell if he even noticed the travel brocures or the party list?
I think it is ok that he ate some leftovers, he probably misses your good cooking.
(Afterall the cookies were there for him to eat.)

What a deal life is sometimes.
I wish I could find a previous post where a woman wrote that she just finally decided to be happy and to make a happy envirement for her children and if her husband wanted to join in the happy family, then fine, if not, then he could go live somewhere else!
(Life is short and we only have ONE life, it should be lived in contentment and not turmoil!)
Love, Julie

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Sorry, I clicked on 'enter' twice!

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

BT


I did the flowers and the cookies and put a card on the table that his mother had sent me telling me how much she missed me and loved me and that there are reasons why things happen, but she isn't sure what they are yet, but to look to the Lord for strength. He didn't eat the cookies and I can't tell if the flowers made him wonder or not. I almost wondered if maybe he thought they were for him or something......LOL. Wouldn't that be funny, if he actually thought I was buying him flowers.....ha ha ha. I can't stop laughing about that thought. Anyway I really don't know if any of it made him think or not. I guess I never will know unless he tells me.

I wish I could find a previous post where a woman wrote that she just finally decided to be happy and to make a happy envirement for her children and if her husband wanted to join in the happy family, then fine, if not, then he could go live somewhere else!

here it is...

carolkh's recovery with 180's

and oldie but a goodie...

ark