Lost VA story

SS Here is that thread, I already read it. It is pretty good. Almost makes me wish I had stayed in Plan A a little longer.

NY

Wow! Thank you 2Long, for referencing this. Thank you NY for finding it for me!

That is exactly what I feel like I am doing for my WH. I was just explaining that to one of my friends tonight.

I am so blessed to have all of you at MB, and all of my supportive friends in my life.

I shudder to think of where I would be right now without either. Undoubtedly face down in the dirt somewhere on this path, unable to get up or move!

Thank you!

SS

I was just reading this post, and I have to say that I have read many of 2long's posts. They're always thought provoking and usually quite accurate. I just never looked at the signature line. TOO FUNNY!!! That was always my complaint with that movie - all they did was say each other's names over and over and over.......

It's nice to giggle when reading these mostly somber posts. Thanks.

Hi SS
I don't have much to say except for good luck today. Hope you are able to carry out what you have decided. Whatever that is.
Good luck
C&S

SS, thinking about you. Prayer with you. Hope everythign goes well.

I became available to meet him for lunch, and sent him an email last night saying as much. So, we'll see if the invitation is still there.

You never know with these WS, their minds change like the wind.

My goals are to do what I can to create a safe environment for him to tell truth. I think that is the only way to relieve his guilt, so he can feel remorse.

To do that, I am going to do everything I can to not LB, not get hysterical in front of him. If I cannot talk about it, I will table it for next week.

And come here and post. But first, I am going to my girlfriend's house for support and calming.

I have all kinds of support. Since I am so prepared, you know, I'm sure nothing will be said that even upsets me! Isn't that some law of the universe?

And chance does favor the prepared . . . so . . .

Anyway, thanks for all the prayers and well wishes. I am going to work out this morning, get all beautiful for him, take my anti-anxiety pill (literally), pray, and do my very best.

SS

I would say stay in Plan A as long as you can. But if you feel your love slipping away and are contemplating D more and more, it's time to move to Plan B...to preserve the love you have left, so you can have some steam left over for the Plan B and recovery.

I've heard Harley quoted on some posts that women are not able to Plan A as long as men...we get worn out...maybe we put too much of ourselves into it?

You're doing great. Keep it up as long as you can!! Do you know what his top ENs are? The top three? If you're not fulfilling the top needs, then you may be spinning your tires. Think about what he's complained about over the years, or gotten excited about. I've heard, commonly for men it is Admiration, SF, and a tie between Domestic Support and Actrativeness of Spouse. Just some ideas. Men are visual.

Good Luck Amy...

I hope something great happens for you today. One of us needs a little good luck! Hugs.

NY

I am totally confused now.

Apparently, WH made the statement about me not wanting to invite him over for dinner anymore, is not because there is a big bomb to drop.

It was just a "courtesy," so I didn't feel obligated. ???

And he is very calm and happy now. And he told me that he still considers me a great friend, that those feelings have never gone away.

So, now I am my WH's good friend. That should make me happy, and that we are communicating, but it doesn't.

Why?

He says he wants to make sure that the M is over before D. So, we are supposed to be building on our core of commitment (which I questioned if that was even there on his side anymore - didn't really get an answer) to each other, and see if we can create H and W feelings again.

Hm. How do I go about doing that? Do I address the betrayal issue later in "recovery?"

Right now he thinks I have betrayed HIM, because I told my friends to support me after D-day, when he bailed and went to a half-way house, then ran to his parents' house, then got his own apartment.

What else was I supposed to do? He crapped out on our M, and took my "best friend" out of my life, all in one fell swoop.

Ug. I am not very happy. But maybe I should be. Just more time?

His calmness and friendship comment make me nervous. What if he is done?

Thoughts?

SS

SS, I am very confused too. I am here only to give you moral support.

I think you need to resolve the A problem before recovering. You can't let it buried alive. It is too dangarous for the future.

Having been through a very brief A myself 14 years ago followed by an A my WH had a year or so later (started as revenge and got out of hand, I think), I agree totally with L&H about resolving those issues.

We didn't go to any IC or MC after they happened. We pretty much swept them under the rug and they tended to rear their ugly heads when we'd be really angry with each other. At this point I don't think of them anymore, but I think they played a part in how we recovered, or rather probably didn't recover correctly.

Thinking of you and praying for you for your Wednesday meeting.

LL

HI Amy
I am going to jump in. Yes confusing is the word.
I am beginning to wonder if your H is actually not still in the midst of his nervous breakdown. Talk about mixeed messages and irrational thinking!

Anyway, last I heard you had decided to remain in Plan A. Infact I don't really think you have had an opportunity to do a good Plan A due to his removing himself and placing the minimal contact clause in his dealings with you.

Saw some sign of him responding to the Plan A you were able to provide. (lingering a little after dropping kids etc.. a few good exchanges). Then the ugly scout issue raised its ugly head. Love banks drained dry again and back to square one. (actually probably minus). By the way waht has eventuated on that issue? It seems to have hit the back burner.

Evidence of a few olive branches thrown your way since then(emails) punctuated however with nasty, threatening and blaming emails as well. (don't you love fog). I am hoping one day your H will look back on all of this and reread some of those and your posts hear and find it hard to believe he actually said and did all of this. After he is out of fog I mean.

*** I see his present calm state as a good opportunity for you to actually be in a position to really instigate Plan A. A chance to show him the wonderful woman you so obviously are. To remind him of why he fell in love with you. To challenge all these notions he has formed in his angry fogged up brain with his blame Amy so I don't have to look at myself attitude.

I don;t think you should be comitting one way or the other though. I say Plan A your but off. Hopefully this will lead to all of that later. It is not like he is moving home and all is going to be forgotten if you use this calmer state to do a plan A.

Invite the guy over to dinner. Give it a go. Try to show him your great self. See how it goes. No love busts. Don't allow yourself to be baited. Listen to what he has to say. Show him some affection, interest. Express your feelings if needed in a respectful way. See how it pans out.

Plan B will always be there if you need it for later. You said you are in Plan A. Give it a good shot.

Just my thoughts. Hope they are of some help to you. If not throw them out.

Keep keeping on Amy
A day at a time
love C&S

lostnhurt and ll -

Thank you both for reminding me of the under-the-rug-sweeping issue. I am confused as to this MC's method. But I have seen positive (I think) results in WH in just 2 visits. I believe next Tuesday I will ask about clarification of what kinds of things we should be talking about or doing together.

Also, though, I think that to a certain extent, WH has to arrive at a place of remorse and clear thinking on his own. I think my role here is to be the best I can be, and show him that, and to be here waiting when/if he arrives at his destination. Does that make sense? I cannot force him along his own journey.

I can be the lighthouse so he moves in that direction rather than getting more lost. But I cannot lead him down any particular path. I need to trust that the man of integrity, honor, love, and commitment is still in there - just buried right now.

Thank you both for your kind words and prayers. They are so much appreciated!

C&S -

As always, thank you for your kind words. I will take advnatage of this time to Plan A my butt off. I have invited him to dinner. Maybe we can start off doing lunches.

The Scout issue has been tabled for now. He is totally closed to the idea of any changes for now. He even began having inappropriate conversations with the boys about it. He simply cannot handle that right now.

For the short-term, I am letting the issue lay. Baseball starts soon here, and OW's son will not be at many of the functions due to that - assuming she registered him this year.

So, it could be a moot issue, and during the summer they only have meetings once a month.

Once he is unfoggy, we can make a better decision, without conflict and involving the boys in a negative way. I am choosing the lesser of two evils.

Jazzygirl -

I needed to hear that! I am analyzing each of his words. Each of his sentences. I am trying to find out where I stand. But ultimately, I do not need that information.

He had an A! That is all I need to know. It is going to take time for us to get back to where we trust and respect each other.

I am sorry I keep bothering everyone with these silly word questions. But, as a BS, we all have to go through our own weirdness to get through all this weirdness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You being in recovery, though, and hearing that your WH said those same things, is comforting - no offense. But I think you know what I mean.

I needed to hear that. Thank you!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> SS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SS, We all need to be constantly reminded our WH's are in fog. I can see those words in JG's WH's also in my WH's. Do they all copy from the same text book? Sometimes I do wonder. Knowing JG is in recovery gives me some hope. I won't take those words to personally.

Hang in there, we will go through this rollercosater ride. I prayed for all my MB friends the first thing I woke up. I will keep doing that.

SS,

Thinking of you. How did your meeting go?

LL