I'm not sure where I should post this, so moderators bear with me please. Another member suggested that this better fits under Infidelity.

I'm presently in a relationship of 15 years, it's been a good one and we have two wonderful preschoolers. However, I have gotten involved with a coworker in the past the year. We have a lot in common and both admit that we have fantasized about being together for a long time (6 years). I can't really pinpoint any glaring problems in my marriage that would have prompted me to let this happen this affair happen. I've completed the Emotional needs questionnaire and my partner and my wife and I come out well. My mistress (for lack of a my politically correct word) however does not fare as well there are at least 6 areas of the questionnaire that are very poor.

She and I have tried to end the affair at least 5 times now, but we always seem to polarize back to one another. Her husband knows about the affair (my wife does not), although she has only told him the least amount of info to call "us" an affair. She's even in counselling, but still we continue. She and I have spent a lot of time talking - as we always did even before this thing began. I know more about her than her husband does (past and present), she has many issues past and present - she was raped when she was a teenager, her father was/is an alcoholic, she was second fiddle to her sibling, she always messed around (although no sex) when out with her friends, her husband has never been able to satisfy her sexually... and the list goes on and on.

She says she's not going to leave him because of their kids, but is she's unwilling to come totally clean with him.

I on the other hand, I'm unsure of what I want more, my wife or her. I love both of them, I ache when I think of ending it with either of them. On one hand I've been with my partner for 15 years and we have so much together. And with my coworker, it just feels so right - this sounds crazy, but with her it's like it's meant to be. I lay awake at night torturing myself about a solution, but cannot come up with one. I know the "right thing" is to end it with the coworker and rebuild my marriage, but I cannot seem to do it. Many of my friends have told me in the past that my wife and I are opposites and they're amazed that we get along so well and have lasted this long. My bestfriend (who knows about the affair), alternates between me leaving my wife and staying with her. So as you can see I am messed up!!

I'd love some different points of view - but please no flaming as I have beat myself up over this without any help from others.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You have come to the right place.

It sounds like your mistress has some issues. She is not happy with her H. If you and she got together, she would probably soon not be happy with you.

So I guess I would advise looking at what would make the most people happy. If you decide to work on your marriage and make it better than before, then you will be happy, your wife will be happy, your kids will be happy, OW's H and kids will be happy.

If you continue on the path you are on now, only you and OW will be happy, and that may be for a very short time.

Good luck to you and please keep posting. We will help you through this.

Well, I think the first thing you have to do is bring your W into light since she has a say in your decision too. This is her life, too, so she should have a say on the outcome. She may not choose to stay in your marriage, so your hand wringing here is all for naught.

This concerns her life too, so to withhold this information from her is cruel and manipulative. She has the right to know what is happening in her own life.

Believer is right. If you choose to work on your M, everyone(you, your wife, your kids, OW's family, your friends and relatives) wins. If you choose your mistress, everybody loses. Think of breaking up two families, your kids. How much will they suffer? You know you are messed up now. Wake up and stop the contact. It maybe painful for a very short time. But you and your family will be happy in the long run. Read all the concept in this site, you will find out.

So here's my dilema - what if my marriage doesn't work out? Or what if the OW's marriage doesn't work out? What if this is an opportunity bourne of more than just convenience and proximity? How can I know what to do? I mean I know what the "right" thing to do is - but I guess I'm having problems deciding if that's what I want to do. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish, but it's the truth. And why don't I tell my wife? - because if I do and her reaction is catostrophic (which it should be), then I think I may use that as a reactionary device to leave her(and again I don't kknow if that's what I want).

I know many of the folks here have been hurt by creeps like me - having an affair and not knowing which way to turn, but believe me this is my first affair and I've ample opportunity in the past to do so. However until now I always thought I had control or that I was above that. It's just that this OW is someone whom I've always been attracted to, both intellectually and physically. And I think if she would actually leave her husband, I would leave my wife........I think....well I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane...............

You are a classic WS case. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Everything you said fits the pattern of a WS in action.

Here, try reading Lostbird's postings

web page

He got some really good responds from members in here.

The strange thing i realized after being here for 6 months is that BS knows what exactly they need to do but WS is COMPELETY undecided.

My advice...tell your wife.

So here's my dilema - what if my marriage doesn't work out?

Lets just be grownups about all this....lets just try to be logical.....

1. THIS...the what if my marriage doesn't...out..) line...that is NOT your dilema..

YOUR dilema is that you are yourself are so far from living the things in life that have value in pursuit to make sure that no matter what YOU feel good in the end...

Take it logically...
WHAT IF MY MARRIAGE DOESN"T WORK OUT>>>

Well is their not great irony that YOU are the one engaging in activity that pretty much puts your marriage in one of the most perilous situations that it can be...

that a person can not claim to desire or fear such a thing....and then disconnect themselves from the fact their own actions are counter productive to that..
and then USE that sentiment to justify the actions that THE actions that jeopordize it in the first place...

keep acting the way you are...you will pretty much tip the scales towards your marriage not working out...
logic right??

Marriage is not some entity that exists outside of our lives..
marriage is an EXACT product of what we create it to be...
marriages do not fail...
PEOPLE fail.....

At this point you should not be concerned about if your marriage doesn't work....you should be concerned that you are failing to work at your marriage....

It is your choice day after day to betray the ONE person in the world you vowed to honor and cherish...

YOUR unhappiness in not borne of your indecision of which too choose...

your unhappiness stems from the reality that no matter what lip service we play to the things we believe in....
honesty
respect
decency
truth

It is our actions that define us..and when OUR OWN actions are ones that are in direct conflict with our core beliefs...we are not happy people...
but we people are really good at turning those negative feelings and conflict on to other people to alleviate our burden of pain....

It is not your actions..it is the thought that your marriage might fail...

I'm just gonna cut to the chase...
I'm gonna tell you that when someone comes here and speaks of a "good marriage" and chooses to cheat.....

the thought that those actions motivated mostly by that good feeling put their own children at such risk for breaking up the family...I would think that alone would cause me great anxiety...

imagine becoming a stranger and visitor in your own home...
forcing your children to split weekends and holidays based on my own selfishness and need to be happy...even though you weren't ever unhappy...

the thought of NOT being there to tuck them in...hold them every morning when they wake up warm and sleepy....

all because of wanting to feel something...

I love both of them,
And yet your actions are anything but loving...
you are making your wife your enemy via your actions and there is nothing loving about that...

you aren't loving...
you are seeking, grabbing, and settling for shallow reflections of love and other feel good emotions...and you lay awake at night and feel tortured because you know deep down that it is you that is acting in a way that brings great pain to you your wife and the OW>..no matter how much you attmept to justify and rationalize during the daylight hours...

No matter who it is that sleeps next to you ..it is YOU alone you face in the mirror....how's that person looking these days...the one in your mirror....

looks like to me he is in great conflict....
because of his actions...

Many of my friends have told me in the past that my wife and I are opposites and they're amazed that we get along so well and have lasted this long.

so if you want to use people opinion polls to rationalize such actions like affairs...why not ask your friends how many of them support you cheating on your wife.....

the affair is a symptom of something inside of you ....

I am not some save every marriage at any cost person...
but you claim to have a good marriage so the risk you place your children is heartbreaking...

I am not a betrayed spouse...reacting to your post in some knee jerk reaction...but I certainly welcome you to read about their pain..and hear their words in your wife's voice.....

ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TryAgain?:
<strong> So here's my dilema - what if my marriage doesn't work out? Or what if the OW's marriage doesn't work out? What if this is an opportunity bourne of more than just convenience and proximity? How can I know what to do? I mean I know what the "right" thing to do is - but I guess I'm having problems deciding if that's what I want to do. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish, but it's the truth. And why don't I tell my wife? - because if I do and her reaction is catostrophic (which it should be), then I think I may use that as a reactionary device to leave her(and again I don't kknow if that's what I want).

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ok, but its not all about what you want, is it? This is her life too. And she may not want to be married to you. She is the only person who has the right to make that choice, NOT YOU. You really don't have a choice about HER LIFE. Only she has the right to make that choice.

Otherwise, you are just keeping her in your marriage based on a lie. You are manipulating her for you own selfish whims and are a very dangerous person. You are tricking her into staying married to you.

You know what? A hero dies once and a coward dies a thousand deaths. You know what the right thing to do is. Every time you don't have the courage to do the right thing, you die a coward's death inside because you know you can't cut it. How hard it must be to live a coward's life and die a little every day. You don't even have a good excuse for not doing the principled thing. "I don't wanna!" sounds like a snot-faced 13 year old juvenile deliquent, surely not a man.

<small>[ March 23, 2004, 06:46 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

TA,
It may seem to you like you are getting blasted. Don't interpret it that way. The majority of us (if not all of us) here value honesty. We expect it from each other, and give it to each other. For the most part, it is a lack of honesty from someone, at some point, that has thrown all of us together. Few of us have room for anger, so our replies won't show that. Don't misconstrue honesty as anger or aggression. Everyone is willing to help, if you are truly willing to listen.

One thing that stood out to me from your post is that you know what the "right" thing is. That is all that needs to be said. You know what the right thing to do is, yet you have and continue to choose not to. If you would like an easy solution to your problem, do the right thing! I am a BS, a few times over, despite my "youth." (And I use that term loosely) Would it be simple for me to pack my bags and move on? Yep. Is that the "right" thing to do? Nope. Is your W going to be upset? Yes. Will she one day appreciate your honesty and willingness to change? Yes. But it starts with you.

And stick with us. Believe it our not, those of us that are or have been BS's want to help you. Good Luck!

Ethan

Thanks Ethan - I appreciate your POV and the others' as well (although, I do believe Medolylane is a bit angry). Yes I do know what the right thing to do is....I have spent some time reading the material on this site. I do feel like a child sometimes - and I do deserve yor wrath. The points that ark^^ made regarding my kids hit home hard - and that's why I'm still here - that's why I am making the effort to face up to what I'm doing. I read from one of the other posts that it's easy to start an A but difficult to get out - well that's an under statement. When I get to work in the morning I'm sure it's the day that I will avoid her and then BAM, she's in my office and I melt (yes, yes I'm weak). I fel like I'm on the edge of a springboard ready to dive into the deep end, but unsure if I can swim yet.

I do appreciate the encouragement and understand the anger. And the two friends that know of the affair - one was horrified and wept when I told him, now he's says he has always wondered why I've been with my wife as long as I have without this happening - the other who knows is himself having an affair (birds of a feather hunh?).

I'm trying to understand it all myself, and have found reading these posts and the info on the sight very helpful. Again thanks for input.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TryAgain?:
<strong> Thanks Ethan - I appreciate your POV and the others' as well (although, I do believe Medolylane is a bit angry).</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What would have given you that impression? Actually, I am not angry at all and have seen no anger or "wrath" on your thread, just some very straightforward points that were probably hard for you to hear. But that is understandable.

<small>[ March 23, 2004, 07:39 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Tryagain...

newsflash...
your behavior makes me angry..very angry...

the audaticity and blatant creuelity that it takes to place ones spouse and CHILDREN at such risk is just mind-boggling...

The futile attempts to layer your actions (and most WS attempts with such sentiments as...

and believe me when I read these words I hear them in the most annoying whiney twang reminiscent of characters on the old show HEE-HAW!!!
(which I was just a child....)

but it feeeeeeellllssss gooooood
but I can't heeeeeeelllllppppp it...
We try to breaaaakkk upppp but caaaaannn't...

I can't really pinpoint any glaring problems in my marriage that would have prompted me to let this happen this affair happen.

oooh oooh I can pinpoint a glaring problem in your marriage.....

It's YOU!!!! and your infidelity....

each day your actions, YOUR actions, bring great pain to your wife...
each day you risk the wellbeing and chances of YOUR children...the ones you are here on this planet to protect from coming from a broken home...
the ones you brought here....
these are YOUR children... and they are in direct attack....from YOU>..

See the fantasy that builds up to justify these acts are so enticing...and sound so plausable...
and yet they are very far from reality....

See the thought that this OW turns you on does not automatically equal OW making some type of good step mom for your kids....if you leave your wife....
cause see your kids have a MOM>..they don't NEED another mom....and your fantasy of leaving wife and making OW and you...some happy new family is insane...

Just because you grow weary of your wife...doesn't justify destroying your childrens lives.....no matter how it feeeelss whine whine...


what if today you wife just decides..you know..Tryagian is a pretty good dad...but I think i will go out and get a NEW dad for the kids...
we will call him step dad...just because it feeeeelsssss goood...and we will replace dad with step dad...

cause thats the next step for your kids...new mom and new new dad....can we make their lives any more complicated...while telling them with our actions that eveyone is replacable..whenever we grow weary of them or find someone 'new and exciting..."

how does that feel?...
it does make me angry......

ARK

I have to agree with every word that ark spoke. After I wrote my post explaining that I WASN'T angry, I realized that I most certainly WAS when I read this thread. And justifiably so. It makes me angry to see injustice; decent people get angry at injustice. It makes me angry to see such unapologetic, selfish cruelty to another human being.

See I knew you were angry M. Thanks for your opinion ark, but I have to disagree wth a few of your points. You may see my comments as whiney - you pov - however, I was trying my best to give MBs my pov, no matter how messed up it is. I absolutely do not want to replace my kids mother with another, and I have not grown weary of my wife - I cannot explain what is happening, nor why I did it/am doing it. Perhaps I will clue in (insults will not help, and trust me my best friend tries that route aleast once a week!). Regardless I do appreciate your point of views, and I am trying to work through thinks in my brain - I do read your posts and consider them objectively.

I don't mean to make light of this, nor is this a flame, but your options seem obvious to me.

1. tell your wife and end the affair.
2. Tell your wife and repair your marriage.
3. tell your wife and leave her for the OW (assuming she would leave her h) then, next time she (OW) is out "messing around" YOU will be the one she's telling some man "has never satisfied her in bed" etc.

Let me think, how many times have I told a man who is not a family member of the troubles in my marriage? ZERO! Why? because that's done FOR A REASON! Anyone that complains about their home life to a member of the opposite sex has an agenda. Do YOU want to be the guy that's no good in bed? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Doesn't matter if it's true or not, she'll say it.

Now that is an interesting pov and my friend has already pointed very similar points (saying that the OW really doesn't know what love is - and am I prepared for all the baggage that she comes with? - and what will I do when she doesn't communicate with me anymore?). Thanks. I do think of those options as well - and believe me sometimes they haunt me! Believe me I do realise what the right/best thing do is - I just haven't found the "cahunas' to do it.

Try again?

I'm glad you know what is right. Now you need to do it. What you have with the other woman is fantasy; what you have with your wife is real life. Real life is always harder than fantasy. I am sure you feel tore up inside trying to have two women. Well, you cannot for long; you will have to decide. If you commit to your wife and have no contact with OW your marriage will have a chance; if you try to keep both you cannot have a good marriage. With work your marraiage can get better.

There are lots of FWS here that know what you are going through. I had an EA and told my husband. Telling my husband was scary, but it also helped my marriage. Tell your wife about the OW and end all contact with the OW if you want to keep your marriage.

TryAgain,

Ever heard of the "white knight" syndrome? My H fell for OW because she was just like yours: rape victim, incest victim, depressed husband who didn't connect with her emotionally, sexually.... all of it.

But for that time they were secretly together, he was her white knight in shining armour, rescuing her from the big bad world and big bad marriage. And she was the fair maiden who would love him to the ends of the earth.

Now my H just pities her. He realizes she has many deep-seated issues and that he only made them WORSE (have you ever thought about that.... that you might actually be harming OW?).

The most surprising thing to learn, though, is that now that my H is out of the picture, OW and her H are working on their marriage and, last heard, were doing better. And, yes, OWH knows about the affair. OW had the guts to finally tell him. It was either she did, or I would. She chose to tell him herself. That was a good move and I was proud of her.

By not telling your wife what has been going on, you make it virtually impossible for your marriage to be saved. You are, in a sense, making your choice.

~ Snow

It's amazing that as I'm living this I'm thinking that I am living a very singular experience. But others have come forwad with comments and stories that I find eerily familiar. Snowbelle, I thank you for you input - the OW often tells me that she needs me more than I need her. In fact in the beginning I resisted, caving during an opportune quiet moment that normally would not have been available - now it seems we can always find those moments and I cannot find the resolve i had 12 months ago - it was her "confessions" to me that heped hook me. She says often that she never realied that there was more to a relationship until we started our secret one. Again I thank - you word again sound like my friend's advice: he always says that the thrill of "saving" her is as great as the romance.

Tryagain, by "rescuing" this woman you will probably be leaving the woman who LOVES YOU (your wife) in serious need of being rescued. Whatever pain your OW has endured in her life, it can't be worse than finding out that your love has betrayed you.