yesterday afternoon. please pray for him. he is on a business trip now, he will be back tommorow night.

he really doesn't know if he can get passed this. faithfullness is very crucial to him. he asked me to be patient. i have no doubt i can be that. I pray he will give us a chance to heal and recover.

thanks to everyone that has been of support here.

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

FL, congratulations! You have done the right thing and no matter what husband will both admire and respect this difficult decision. And respect is critical for there to be love. This may seem contradictory but I know my W regrets telling me every single day of her life. But you know what? It was the greatest gift she every gave me. I wish I could someday make her see that. You have truly given your H a gift with your honesty. I'm sure he would agree that he is better off informed than in the dark. Good luck and brace yourself. But everyday forward you will be moving in the right direction and no more limbo. I feel very sure of that.

FL,
I just felt the need to check the site and there you were. I know it all seems so uncertain. I am here to listen and help in any way I can. You will need patience and trust. I will continue to pray. Please keep praying for God's guidence and wisdom. I believe you have taken this step at the right time. I was thinking this morning that you will need to tell him soon. It is the right thing. Please hang in there, God is with you and your H.

Christ's Love,
Roman

FL,

I don't know if congratulations is in order, but I am proud of you. I know it was a very hard thing, but I suspected you were going to tell him as you got yourself together.

Have you talked with him since you told him? If so how does he sound? I think his response is a very good. He wasn't certain he could get past this, and he asked for YOUR patience. The first is a very honest assessment and the second suggests that he will do his best to overcome this.

By the way, what made you decide to tell him now and when he was on a trip? How did you tell him?

I ask these things because to some degree they will have some impact on the short term reactions he displays. Long term there was no good time or place.

So are you ready? Ready to fight for you marriage and show your H that he is married to a woman that loves him? Get some information ready for him and do your best.

Hang in there FL and we'll do our best to help. Please do see if you can find a counselor for you two to help address this.

God Bless,

JL

walkingoneggs, thanks for the encouragement. after i told him i wrote him a small note last night, i put it in his camara bag so he would see it when he was packing for his trip today. as it turns out, i did not go to work today, i drove him to the airport instead. i know he saw the note before he left. one of the things i told him was that telling him the truth was the only gift i had left to give him.

roman, thanks. i don't know what to do with myself now. i did not go to work, i don't know how i will get there tommorow. i have hurt him so bad. i'm so scared he will not heal from this.

JL, he was not on a trip when i told him. he just left this afternoon. there was never going to be a good time to tell him. on sat he said something about how he thinks i do not want to be married to him and that is why i was not able to move forward. i couldn't let him think that anymore. i don't know what info to get him. i mentioned the SAA book, he did not want to see it. i very much doubt he will want to do any counsoling. i think he is shocked that this did not come out while we were in counsoling before, he said he thought we were being honest back then. He may not be able to recover. I am willing to do whatever it takes though. He fought for us for so long. I just hope my love is enough for him now.

after i told him, he asked me to let him have the room to himself. he did come down and have dinner and the family watched a movie. after the kids went to bed, i asked him if he wanted me to sleep downstairs, i told him i did not prefer to sleep downstairs but whatever would be more comfortable for him. he said it did not matter, i could sleep upstairs. we didn't really say good night. at one point, he asked me who else knows about it and i told him. i told him about how i talked to the pastor back in 2001, when it first started and how i was advised to not confess. of course the pastor asked if it was over and i said yes because it was at that moment. of course, he started back up and kept going for so long after that. i told H that is why i have had such a hard time at that church since then. he got up after a while and went downstairs, he said he was just going to stay up a while. i didn't hear him come back upstairs. i kept waking up throughout the night. one of the times i did, i found him back in bed.

this morning, as i was taking my daughter to school, i backed into my neighbor's car as he was taking his daughter to school. no injuries, just damage to his car. we are very close to these neighbors, this is the guy my H went on the golf trip with a week ago. neighbor was very angry, kicked the car, i was surprised. he went in to call the police, his wife came out and hugged me and i cried like a baby, of course she does not know why. then she got mad at her H.

our son didn't want to go to school, he was upset last night too, i am sure he has picked up on this stuff. we told him to see how the morning went. i asked H if he wanted me to stay home from work and drive him to the airport, he said yes. this also made it possible for me to have lunch with son instead of making him stay at school for lunch. son seemed much better at lunch.

H didn't say anything to me until we were in the car on way to airport. this is when he said he didn't know if he could get over it. he said he was having a heard time putting more than just a couple of thoughts together at a time. this is also when he asked me to be patient. I am assuming he read the note i put in his camera bag by then. i definitely know he saw it anyway, because it was moved. i hope he read it.

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

FL,

Let me ask you a few questions.

When your H was fighting for the marriage for 2 years and you were having the affair, what did you learn about him?

When you think of your H what is it you admire and respect about him?

When you think of your H what is it you don't admire about him or respect about him?

When you look inward what sort of marriage would YOU really like?

When you go on the internet, looking for something, do you know what it is that you are looking for, or is it just SOMETHING to jump start you inside?

When you get off the internet and you start to think about your H are they good thoughts, bad thoughts, or sort of neutral thoughts?

Does he do it for you sexually?

I am asking you these questions to see if you can begin to see why YOU should fight for this marriage. Your H has decisions to make, but my guess is that somewhere deep is a love for you or he would have not fought for two years while getting little back from you.

I also suspect he is very very tired, hence some of his responses in the last few weeks to you. It was not lack of interest, it was fatigue. I suspect his weariness will be your biggest hurdle.

So you must prepare to provide the energy in this situation. You cannot waste it on surfing the internet now. You will need all of your focus, your love, your energy to make this work...IF you decide you really want it too. I worry that you are not convinced. If you are not, then your H will pick up on this and won't fight it. That is my guess.

So prepare, plan, talk to him, love him. You have a huge weight off of your shoulders now, use this to your advantage.

God Bless,

JL

i found my note to him in the recycling.

i don't know if he read it or not. should i ask him??

this is what i wrote:

H,
I never knew how much you loved me until you fought and fought for us. I wanted so much to let this secret be buried with me but as you can see I couldn't life with it. You deserved the truth. You deserve a healthy person as your partner in life. The truth was the only gift I had left to give you. It was the only hope for us. I pray we can survive and recover. Now, finally, we both understand what we are recovering from. I have no right to ask you for your forgiveness but I pray you will find a way to heal. I am committed to do whatever you need. I will never stop loving you, no matter what, I will wait and pray you will give us another chance. Words can never express how sorry I am. With this lie out of my soul I know I can now let my actions show my love. I pray my love can now save you.

no one else has ever had my heart, least of all the other person. I couldn't let you think I didn't want to be married to you anymore.

I love you, Karen

Karen,

It was a beautiful note and I am sure he read it. It won't make a lot of difference now, but you planted some very powerful seeds. Now let your actions meet your words. It is all you can do.

God Bless,

JL

What a beautiful note... You have taken the first step for recovery, and now he needs to decide, but the decision to go ahead and build trust with you again will be easier because of your courage to tell the truth.

When your H was fighting for the marriage for 2 years and you were having the affair, what did you learn about him?

that his commitment to this marriage/family is overwhelming.

When you think of your H what is it you admire and respect about him?

his commitment, his love, his patience.

When you think of your H what is it you don't admire about him or respect about him?

i'm not sure right now, historically, my percieved notion that he did not put much effort into being a good provider, i felt he was happy living off my salary, what ever he made was bonus but not manditory and therefore not worth too much effort. i didn't believe he wanted to finacially provide for me. right now, i don't see why that should matter all that much to me. his love for me and this family are so much more valuable. along those same lines though was his lack of effort in the marriage and our relationship (this would be prior to the last 2 1/2 years).

When you look inward what sort of marriage would YOU really like?

one full of intimacy, love, respect. high on my list is the desire and ablity to have fun with each other, and to share secrets.

When you go on the internet, looking for something, do you know what it is that you are looking for, or is it just SOMETHING to jump start you inside?

it was just for SOMETHING to jump start me inside. i really don't have the urge to be on the internet anymore. there is nothing worthwhile for me there. i really think going on the internet last week was completely about forcing there to be something for us to talk about and forcing me to prove i could be honest about something which could then finally kick me into telling him everything.

When you get off the internet and you start to think about your H are they good thoughts, bad thoughts, or sort of neutral thoughts?

when i used to be on the internet alot, afterwards i didn't think anything about my H. it was a drug to help me thru the day and i would stay on the high for a while. even more so when i talked with OM. even those times when i felt awful after wasting so much time, thoughts were not on H, just on disliking myself and my life then.

Does he do it for you sexually?

Yes, he does now. this used to not be the case. our sex life was not very good at all, that was proably the last straw for me, before this A, i felt rejected so many times and sex was not personal between us. for me the last straw really was when i told him how i missed kissing him, and then he said he would try to kiss more, and he did once, but he pulled back and stopped. later the next day, he told me he just wasn't into kissing anymore. that hurt me more than anything because kissing is the most intimate part of sex to me. that really is when i decided to break my vows and end the marriage.


As for why i should fight for this marriage, well all i need to do is look at him today, not the him of before. I want to be his wife now. that is the whole and turely only reason i confessed.

he felt i had the affair to hurt him, and if that was what i wanted to do, why didn't i just tell him then. i told him it was not about hurting him, it was about breaking me so i could move forward with a divorce. i don't know if he understands/accepts what i meant by that.

i agree my actions are all that matter now. I still wish i knew if he read the note or not. Do you think i should not ask him then?

Finally Learning~

I've followed your story a little bit. I was so glad to see this thread today. I know all of the anxiety and the scenarios that played in your head leading up to D-day all too well. You're correct when you say there really is no "right" time to tell the BS.

You truly have given your H a very precious gift. He may not view it as such yet, but perhaps someday he will. No matter the outcome, he has all the facts and the truth, to base his decisions upon.

If he decides he wants to go forward w/ you to restore your M...just think...he will have made the decision, all the while knowing the truth. I think that gives your M more than a fighting chance.

There are so many obvious reason why the truth is so important in a M. For me, knowing that my H knows the truth of the A, and still he loves me and my baby produced from the A...well, there is simply no more beautiful thing than that on this entire earth.

So, as I see it, you have given not only your H a gift, but yourself as well.

I am wondering, how are you feeling? I know you are probably sick with worry of not knowing what your H's long term reaction and decisions will be. But, do you feel relief? Are you at peace?

I am quite hopeful for your situation. I wish you all the best!

~ad

FL, I feel very sure he read the note. However he is feeling numb now and he won't remember what he read. Suggest you put it somewhere so he can find it again. Hang in there you did the right thing and that will become clear in time. In my opinion you are screaming at the top of your lungs that you want the marriage to work and that right now it isn't working. When it wasn't working before you made a bad decision in your attempt to find happiness or solve the problem. Now your doing the right thing. I would suggest that would he did last night is what he felt he should do. ie. go upstairs, go downstairs, don't eat dinner etc.etc. He really doesn't know what to do and it will take some time until you really know what you are dealing with. So don't hang on what is happening now but take care of yourself and be as supportive as you can be. Your bravery will be rewarded.

FL,

I am *so proud* of you. You have a lot of hard painful work ahead, but truly the worst is over. All that time of carrying the burden of truth inside you and not being able to rest must have been horrible.

Your H will have a lot of powerful emotions. He will be angry, he might threaten to call it quits, he'll ask why. Just listen to him and be there for him. If he threatens to leave try to understand that it is his fear and exhaustion talking. Clearly this man wants to be with you; that is evident from all he has already gone through for you. But like others have said, he is exhausted and this is a big blow so you will have to be the strength in the M for a while.

He may not realize it now, but you have given him the precious gift of truth. Now he can understand why you kept saying there were things to be worked on. Now he can quit worrying that it's him.

Some things you can do to help him feel safe:
- Take his anger, and don't respond in kind. Just let him get it out of his system.
- Answer all of his questions truthfully and completely. If he asks something that you think he shouldn't know, ask him if he's certain he wants to know that - and if he says yes, then tell him.
- Give him all passwords to all email accounts, voice mail, etc.
- Ensure he has access to all financial records.
- Volunteer to put spyware on your computer so he knows where you've been and what you've been typing

I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. You should be so proud of yourself. When is your H due back home?

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 04:02 PM: Message edited by: Why me? ]</small>

Karen,
I am just scanning today because of time limitations, but saw your post and had to reply. It is so difficult to understand why these things happen and how is it possible to betray the trust and the love that someone gives you. Do I understand that your affair was two years ago and just recently you confessed? As hard as it may have been, you should have done that a long time ago and I do not understand a pastor who encourages you to keep a secret. That leads you to live a lie. I really wonder about some of the people in the clergy who pretend to counsel when they are not trained to deal with these difficult issues.
Do you suppose the neighbor whom you crashed knew and that is why he reacted in that way? You both have child to think about and as hard as it may seem, you should try to be patient and at the same time understand what your husband is going through. He is emotionally torn and his self-steem is down. Be as honest and truthful as possible and do not keep any more secrets. If you still have secrets, sooner or later they will surface and it will be worse. Good luck to you.

Karen,

I asked you those questions for a reason. If you look at the answers you will see that you have the answer to one of the hardest questions the BS faces. If she did this before what is to keep her from doing it again? WHAT HAS CHANGED?

You have clearly stated what has changed and it was via his hard work. Tell him, tell him why you respect him, and how you respect him. Explain your past thinking and your current thinking.

Now he can also understand why you were crying out for help with the internet. You miss HIM and his love. Yet, you know he proved it over and over.

Do you see the uses the answers to those questions will have? I hope so. I hope that you see even more uses as time goes on.

Hang in there FL, you can do this.

God Bless,

JL

PS: It seems clear to me you told him because he was being the H you wanted and the secret was eating you alive because of it. He may not appreciate the irony of this yet, but his changes and hard work forced you to be honest with him. And while he does not see it yet, your honesty is a gift to him.

ad, thanks for the note...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But, do you feel relief? Are you at peace?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes i do, last night is the first night in years i have been able to go to sleep with some sense of peace. of course there is a ton of sadness there now instead. but i don't hate myself so much now.

woe, i am not critiqueing his actions at all. i just want to help him heal now. whatever he needs.

th, thanks for the suggestions. H will be back late tommorow night. he has a few more trips in the next few weeks, 2 more on the longer side.

i really wish i would of done this years ago, so much additional pain could of been sparred, so many years of healing could of already occured. but we are here now and with God's help we will survive.

why me, no i don't think neighbor knew, just bad timing. H told me neighbor has hard time controlling his temper but he will get over it quickly too. it was not a bad crash, car damage can be fixed.

thanks JL, i will do my best to show him my love and respect for him now.

hardest part is to make it more than 30 min without breaking into tears <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> kids are home now, i have to make it thru evening with some bit of a smile for them.

i suppose it is stupid to say i am in shock now. it's not like i didn't know how serious this all was before, but now that he knows, it is all so much more real. how can i possible expect him to love me now?

he called to say hi to the kids, he does not want to talk to me, he just wants space. i can give him space but i am afraid that will make him think i am not effected by his pain.

i don't see how i am going to make it to work tommorow.

how could i have done this to him? i feel more helpless now than ever before.

FL, if he is travelling on business can you possibly send something to his room. Fruit basket with loving note? You asked how you can expect him to love you now. Just my opinion but if he didn't love you he wouldn't be this hurt, would he? You know how much he loves you and thats why you were able to tell him the truth. In my situation I showed my W tremendous love and acceptance prior to her telling me. Because I needed her to tell me. You gave him a gift and he knows that. You will never hear from him "I wish you didn't tell me". I am not trying to underestimate his pain. It is surely very difficult but he'll be OK. And you will will be OK together. One day at a time.

thanks woe, these posts of support and kindness mean so much to me right now. He called here for a phone number he needed this morning. I had been writing in our journal when he called (and crying) so hearing his voice resulted in me breaking down in tears. i really think that it is very bad for me to cry in front of him right now. this is not about my pain, it is about his. i managed to re-compose myself right away and find him the number he wanted. thanks again for your kindness.