I wish I could make you that promise, FL.

I told you before though, I have a good feeling about all this. You have a good, strong man there, and he loves you. He is terribly battered and bruised, and grieving beyond belief.

Don't be fooled by his strength though, even if and when thing appear "ok" on the outside, it is still hurting him immeasurably.

I stick to this though...100% HONESTY is the key. Make the first step toward being trustworthy by coming clean, no matter how much it hurts.

ok, fl...that is my spurt for awhile. my darling teens will be walking in the door soon. gotta go play kitchen cop, otherwise there will be backpacks, purses, shoes and jackets on the floor all night!

i wish you the best tonight. will be thinking good thoughts, and saying a prayer!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, first of all, do you know for certain you will be discussing the A tonight? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well last night he said he might be ready to talk about his feelings on the subject, i'm not sure what that means, like is he going to tell me what he has decided regarding the future? i don't know and so i'm very anxious.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you mean push him over the edge as in he can't handle it anymore, packs his bags and walks out? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

If that's the case, you have to be prepared for that. It might could happen. It doesn't mean it's forever, finished, goodbye...he might just need more space. Still, no matter what you must be honest. You've come too far to go back now, and why would you anyway? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">because i'm chicken and i don't want to lose him!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
he is a SG, younger, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">more in common <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

and it was internet too, right? i'm assuming you must of talked to quite a few people before deciding to meet that guy, right? and more often married than single??? funny thing is, whenever i talked to a married guy, all i did was talk about how to fix the his marriage, some i think i actually helped. i wouldn't let myself be OW but i allowed myself to be a WS, how screwed up is that logic????
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Hope I helped somewhat. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you did

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 06:47 AM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

thanks ad, have fun with the family.

Karen,

Big ol' hug being sent your way, (((((KAREN)))))), sounds like H is a terrific guy and loves you so VERY much. He held your hand and fell asleep. that is a good sign honey.

I confessed to my H dec. 18 2003, so I know what you are going thru. Just keep showing him how sorry you are, and how much you love him and what he means to you!!!

BTW, NERAK, <---i know what it means...i have a sister NERAK, it's so funny I used to call her that!! :-D

Ok, never mind I lied...

Actually, all I had to say was "yes" to usage of car, and stuff was quickly picked up off the floor....amazing how that works! So, I have a little more time till baby wakes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i don't know and so i'm very anxious. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know, but the waiting may be the very toughest part of all. Remember, for better or worse, you are doing the right thing. I truly believe in the end...it will be for the better. No promises, no time quotes, I just feel good about your situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> because i'm chicken and i don't want to lose him!!!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, isn't that the very reason it took you so long to confess the A in the first place? Keep going, keep being honest, at his pace. Besides that, he is feeling very vulnerable right now, probably very afraid he has lost or will lose you. Be tender, but let him know you are in it for the long haul, if he wants you to be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and it was internet too, right? i </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, so more in common, what a pair we make, hey? Unfortunately, we're not exactly unique.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i'm assuming you must of talked to quite a few people before deciding to meet that guy, right? and more often married than single??? funny thing is, whenever i talked to a married guy, all i did was talk about how to fix the his marriage, some i think i actually helped. i wouldn't let myself be OW but i allowed myself to be a BS, how screwed up is that logic????</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I talked to quite a few men, M & S. However when I met x-om, (online) it was almost immediately an EA, then met 2 weeks later, PA almost immediately there after. What an idiot I feel like, just typing that.

Wow, same exact thing...I wanted no part of messing up another marriage. Screwy logic, yes. Nothing to brag about either, but still, at least didn't wreck 2 worlds. That's how my H found out the few things he knows of x-om...I wanted him to know while I nearly destroyed our M, I didn't destroy 2. Also wanted him to know x-om was young, immature, and probably wouldn't be a threat as far as us wanting to raise the baby as our own.

Enough about me...YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 04:27 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

mrs.x~

thank goodness, now i could edit! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

double post, sorry

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Goodness, FL I hope you see this before logging off for the day.

I cannot over stress how important total honesty is. It is ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL. It is more important than ANYTHING at this point.

Honesty at this point really is a MAKE IT or BREAK IT thing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do any of you promise he will be able to handle it? and still stay married to me??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know good and well no one can guarantee the future. But, having been a BS, I can tell you that my imagination and fears were worse than reality.

I can tell you that *thinking* I had the truth, and then learning I'd been given lies or partial truths is what almost sent me walking.

You want to chase your wonderful, forgiving, hard-working, loving H right out the door? You lie to him now. You give him half-truths now. He is in a state where he *thought* you'd been honest and found out you hadn't. If he asks you questions, he is throwing your M a life line. You can grab hold of that and, with honesty, get on his team and rebuild your M. Or you can "protect" him or yourself and put a dagger through the very heart of the M.

If you lie to him now, he'd be a fool to ever trust you again. You KNOW that.

If you tell him the truth now, no matter how painful, he will SEE how hard it is for you. He will not like the facts he hears but he will also see how hard it is, and how much this M really means to you. If you tell him the truth, you become his ally, his teammate. You give him hope at his darkest hour. Truly.

You have GOT to be HONEST with him. I don't care if you throw up, if you shake, if you cry. DO IT.

Lots of love to you, and encouragement.

Oh, and if it gets to be too much for you, rather than evade the question or make something up, just TELL him you're overwhelmed and exhausted, that you want to be completely honest with him from here on forevermore, but you really need a break and can you please pick this up again in a day or two?

He'll appreciate your honesty in that, too.

FL,

When my W isn’t honest with me, or isn’t even talking about her progress; my imagination takes over. And my imagination can be far worse than the truth. The uncertainty, has been far more devastating than the truth. I hate it when I have to guess (tears me up inside).

BTW- I still love my W after her multiple A’s. I see who God has really meant for her to be, and His promise of healing her, me and our M. Have courage to have faith.

Be willing to talk when ever he wants or needs. Show affection often.

Bless you and your M. Still praying for you.

S&C

thanks td, yes i saw your post. it is exactly what i need said to me over and over (which means i just need to re-read and re-read these responses!!).

thanks S&C

FL,
I know you are really frightened of the unknown that lies ahead of you. I know that you fear your H's reaction to the truth. But I want to encourage you to take that fear to the Lord. Remember He is working on both your hearts. His desire is for every M to be what He designed. God is on your side. It does not mean the fear will go away, but it means that God will give you the grace to bear the pain. He is with you and will lead you. Pray for his strength and wisdom. Pray for Him to soften your H's heart.

There are many good signs and you are getting great support here. Your remorse will have a great effect. Taking responsibility will help. You have done the right thing. There will be turmoil. There will be really tough moments. But with God's help, you will endure them. I know how insecure you feel. I feel it every day. I may get depressed. I may get angry. But eventually I go to God and he sets me straight and delivers the grace I need. Eventually I see that He is with us and He is working on her heart and mine.
This will take alot of time and patience on your part. Through this you will discover things about yourself that you would have never learned any other way. But you will get stronger and better as will your H. You can have a great M and a wonderful future. Stay positive and focused and just love him. He will see the real you and that's a good thing. Don't ever give up hope. He sounds like a good man who will forgive and love you.

Christ's Love,
Roman

My H told me he had had an affair -- and I was so convinced that he always told the truth that I thought he meant an emotional affair. Our recovery would have been so much easier had he been honest. Actually, the only type of affair you can have without honesty is a one night stand. Anyway, he lied many times and I caught him in inconsistencies after D-day. It hurt. I had an IC session today and brought up that I still think he is lying, think he has had recent contact with OW...You've crossed the Tiber. Now be as detailed in your honesty as your H asks. The truth hurts but not as much as lies uncovered later. I admire your courage, because it takes courage to face up to what you have done. It is your best path to healing. Do I sound preachy, but I realize with 2 years behind me that the lies are the worst of an affair.

thanks roman,

when i got home i forced myself to tell H that i had more info i had to give him, this way he knows it's coming and i was already commited to making it happen. i told him i didn't mean to not tell him all the first time, the conversation just got sidetracked, i tend to pause too much. i asked him if it were ok if i were to write it down instead of talking because then he would not have to wait out my pauses and i would not hold back any info. he was fine with that idea but he wants it to happen tonight. i agreeded, i told him i wanted him to know everything before he shared his feelings with me which he was planning on doing tonight. he is running a few errands right now.

i came to read here again, just to keep my head in the right spot, my heart is already in the right spot, i know it is. i was very happy to see a post from you. thanks. i'm going to keep the note short and to the point. i'm going to write now. i feel calmer already, just by letting him know there was more info i wanted to give him. he was very kind about it, but he firmly expects to be told everything now. i will just have to trust that God will continue to help him accept the info and not want to walk away from our marriage.

he kinda wondered if there was more to the story, he said i paused too much when he asked me last night if there was anything more he needed to know. he was really glad i came to him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

thanks to everyone here, i am a better person because of all your work on me.

thanks cherished.

anyone who reads this, please pray for Mike.

Consider it done. And for you, too.

FL, If my comments can help please show them to your husband.

I envy you, FL's husband, yes I really do! We are both in the same type of boat but with one huge difference. Mine is sinking fast and yours is afloat and capable of being set back on the right course.

I was also betrayed by my wife. She never cared enough for me to confess, I had to dig it out of her by exposing her lies. Worse than that, she did not want to do anything to repair our marriage and make it better. NOTHING! That hurts worse than the affair, worse than the lies, worse than all that went before.

She has chosen to be with the OM, and is in the process of divorcing me.

Yes, I envy you. Your wife cares enough to try and rebuild a new and better marriage.

God Bless you.