</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lonc_25:
I just ordered "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs". I hope these two can help my situation. Sometimes she is so close to coming home, but she is waiting for something to tell her its the right thing to do. I know she still loves me and she says that she misses me everyday. Then there are days that she thinks about all the details that she wanted to know in the first place. And I get things like..."I have come to the conclusion, that I don't need you". I try to agree with her, she probally doesn't NEED me. But I remind her that its a question abou the quality of life, not survival of life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lonc, she is still in shock but if you continue to do things that show you love HER and not the OW, she will come around, hopefully, when the anger wears off. The first month is always the worst and then they start thinking about ways to recover.

I have to reiterate what I said about continued contact with the OW, though, that makes recovery almost IMPOSSIBLE and only serves to make her feel very unsafe. She may have said it didn't matter, but I assure you she was also not thinking of coming back when she said that. She can't consider coming back if you are still seeing the OW because she won't be safe.

Some things you will need to drive home with her at every opportunity:

1. you love her
2. the OW doesn't hold a candle to her in ANY ASPECT [she will be comparing in her mind all the time and if you don't tell her this, she will imagine the WORSE]
3. you would be grateful if you could have her back
4. You are so sorry.......
5. You are deeply remorseful
6. You will do whatever it takes to help her recover from the pain you have inflicted
7. You will do whatever it takes to earn her trust again

She seems to also understand that the affair is a RESULT of other problems and she is right. She needs to know and understand why you did this and what you are doing to prevent it in the future. The books you ordered will help you better understand what happened.

<small>[ March 23, 2004, 06:33 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I am not sure I can leave my job to get away from the OW. (who is also look for another job)

She was never a "lover" or anyone that I even talked to for that matter. There wasn't a connection by attraction or emotion, which makes it more difficult to understand, but easier to walk away and NEVER look back. I think my wife knows this. But I do see you point in getting away from the OW. I never thought about leaving my wife to the OW, it was only physical with someone I am not really attracted too, is that makes any sense.

Lonc, but you DID have a connection, you had an affair. It doesn't matter how deep it was or why it happened, recovery won't take place until contact ends. Your wife shouldn't consider coming back until contact ends because she is not safe as long as contact continues.

Man, I never really looked at it like that... I really don't have any feelings for the OW, and since all of this came out. The OW really doesn't like me at all. I think she is pretty upset with me.

I will see what I can do about getting out of here, but it will be a drastic change for our family. There are not a lot of jobs in our little town that pay this well. It could result in selling the house my wife loves or moving to another town...which I know she will not want to do. I would be willing to drive anywhere, but with the 3 kids and daycare providers, I take the kids to and from everyday. She would have to do all that now. I hope it doesn't sound like excuses, but it reality...she would have to be willing to do all of that if I found another job. Let's hope the OW, finds one soon.

While you are getting all of these books, you might get "The Grief Recovery Handbook". It is excellent and explains how unresolved grief causes many problems.

Our society teaches us to move and and pretend all is well, which is not the right thing to do. It causes affairs, divorces, and all kinds of bad things. The book helps you work through your grief.

But back to your marriage. It might help to write your wife a letter, telling her that you are sorry, you need her, and what a big mistake you made. Then she can read it over and over.

That is another good idea. Actually I thought about asking her for both of us to write letters to each other about what we are feeling. But I am afraid that hers might turn toward the anger. I would like for both of us to be able to read a letter about how we feel after I have done this.

Where can I get the The Grief Recovery Handbook?

lonc,

I think if she writes you a letter, it would be a step forward. BS's have a lot of hurt and anger and need to get it out. Yeah, it'll be tough for you to read, but you really NEED to understand exactly how she's feeling in order to work with her. Trust me, it's much harder to stay angry with someone when they truly listen to how you feel and are willing to work on ensuring it never happens again.

As for your relationship with OW not being important enough to need to switch jobs, I have to call your bluff. At one time, she was important enough to risk your marriage for. And your wife will always see it that way. That's what really hurts as the BS. Either the woman was so important that you'd risk everything for her, or you were willing to risk your marriage for something that wasn't important. That's just how we think. Going to a true no contact position with the OW will reassure your W that her feelings and the marriage are your first priorities.

Also, please go get tested for STDs and have those test results in hand for your wife when she asks for them. Better yet, volunteer them. Even if you used a condom, your wife doesn't KNOW in her heart that you did.

You're doing the right thing, by the way. Keep working on it.

Dobie

Thanks for the reply.... You are right, and I have been listening and trying to understand how badly I hurt her. Maybe I will ask her to write the letter. I just hoped it could be something that we could read in the future. And who knows... maybe I will want to read it anyway as a reminder of what I did to her.

As far as the OW, you are right again. I did risk everything. But it surely wasn't for her. It was a selfish act and she might as well not even been there. or it could have been a different person each time. She absolutely means nothing. I think my wife knows that. She has actually confronted her a couple times. And has spoken with her on "civil" terms to try to understand this.

As far as the STD's... might be a good idea. I never had intercourse with her... it was a "Bill Clinton affair" . As a matter of fact, I never even kissed this woman at any time during any of this.

lonc:

Each of us must make these decisions.....the site and many here promote one steadfast plan that is to be strictly followed.

I have read much of the comcepts and have experienced some of this like you.

My opinion is that leaving your job may not necessarily help things. If you are sincere, you can deal with this and still keep your job. If you cannot then you can make that change acorrdingly. In either case I wish you and your family well and I believe you both can get thru this and go on to have a great marriage.

Others will disagree but that's my opinion.

Thanks for you honesty. I really appreciate that everyone has a different situation. But I also know that everyone is looking out for me and my marriage so I value ALL opinions.

I have not gone through went my wife is going through. So being able to talk to people that have experience in this situation, must be valued. Even if we don't agree.

You can get the book through amazon.com. Here is a review:

The Grief Recovery Handbook : The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death Divorce, and Other Losses
by John W. James (Author)

46 of 46 people found the following review helpful:

Feels like a miracle, November 1, 2001
Reviewer: kathleen silver from los angeles, ca United States
For more than a year after my father died, I felt as if I was going in slow motion, while the world raced past me. Time didn't seem to have done anything to heal me, in fact I was feeling worse. My friends tried to talk to me and help me, but I couldn't hear anything other than my own despair. One of my dear friends, in desperation, gave me a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. That simple act of kindness changed my life. In the solitude of my own home, without having to try to feel good so others would think I was okay, I began to read the book. Almost against my own will, I began to take the actions and do the exercises outlined in the book. One of the hardest parts about them, was that they were too easy. I began to realize how much I had been complicating the possibility of recovery by trying to use my head to fix my heart. As the direct result of creating an accurate picture of my entire relationship with my father, and completing what had been unsaid or unfinished, I regained the gratitude I felt toward life, and the energy with which to live it. While I have normal sadness and miss my dad from time to time, I am able to sustain a life of meaning and value, even though he is no longer physically here. What happened for me feels like a miracle, but in reality is the result of the safety and encouragement to take action provided by The Grief Recovery Handbook. I am eternally grateful.

I thought I saw a sample letter to the OW on this website somewhere. Does anyone have a link to that. I would like to read it...

Thanks in advance

Straight from Dr. Harley (on how an affair should end):

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

Here's the link for Harley's info on ending affairs (the info above, that I cut/pasted, is about 3/4 page down): How Should Affairs End?

Best of Luck to you and your wife! ~Marie

<small>[ March 23, 2004, 01:34 PM: Message edited by: ohmy_marie ]</small>