Dear Suzet.
You say: " Please show me where on earth in my letter have I told him that I'm still thinking about him???
Suzet, just writing that long e-mail to him says you are thinking about him!
And you expect him to read what you write and you feel it is ok to delete his reply???

This thread has been going on for a long time.
It is keeping thoughts of the OM on the front burner in your mind.
Maybe you could start a thread "HOW DO I STOP TALKING ABOUT THE OM AND TALK ABOUT MY H INSTEAD?" (That is not meant sarcastically!)

After reading what you had written previously about having
obsessive/compulsive disorder with associated depression & anxiety
I want to appologize for my 'amateur advice'.
Your mental problems run deeper than most of us here can understand.
Sincerely, Julie

"Most of my wrong and sinful thoughts and fantasies started while I was in the midst of the fog and withdrawal and in a deep depression. While I was moving further into depression my thoughts and feelings started to became very excessive and obsessive. At the time I KNOW my thoughts was wrong and sinful, I felt very guilty towards God and my H, but at the time it felt if I couldn’t control my thoughts… It was like a big vicious cycle – I would have the thoughts and fantasies, feel very guilty and anxious afterwards and then confessed towards God and pray, but only shortly afterwards I would have these same thoughts again and so the cycle continued… It was terrible, like a downward spiral and I couldn’t seem to get out of it.

Most of these obsessive thoughts and feelings stopped after I’ve started taking medicine for obsessive/compulsive disorder with associated depression & anxiety a year ago. This was of tremendous help. I have also find great strength in my religion and I certainly know if it wasn’t for God’s help and my H’s love and support, I wouldn’t be where I am today in my personal recovery.

The medicine still keeps the Obsessive thoughts with associated depression under control and normally it also helps for the anxiety, but during the past few weeks the anxiety has became more severe again... My H's current circumstances at work (after he was victimized and unfairly dismissed at the company where I also work) is definitely a big factor. Currently I’m also a target of victimization by this institution (because of me and my H’s connection). This is a difficult time right now so I think the increased anxiety about OM is also normal and will pass again when I things will get better again. I must get a follow-up prescription from my psychiatrist somewhere this month, so I will just discuss this with him to make sure that I’m still on the right track with my current medication. A while back I've discovered interesting information on the web regarding the effect of sexual childhood abuse on the physical response of adult woman’s' stress hormone, so after I have read that article, I understand why my current medication is keeping everything under control but not really helping for the anxiety-deviation.

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 06:02 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Blessed Time,

Thanks for your post and concern… I’m sorry I was so hard on you this morning – I do know from from some of your previous posts I've read that you do care and want to help the people here… I was just very upset with 2ofakind’s post yesterday and I guess I took some of my frustration out on you. Sorry! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessed Time, you said – This thread has been going on for a long time. It is keeping thoughts of the OM on the front burner in your mind. You know, I was just thinking the exact same thing yesterday... Maybe it’s time for me leaving these boards and quite reading and posting to these boards for that reason... I think even reading and responding to other threads still keeps what happened fresh in my mind… I don’t know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Or maybe I must temporarily leave these boards and then come back when I feel it’s the right time again. I’ve gained much insight and have learned and grow a lot from this expereince and I want to use this experience to help other people as well. But…maybe it’s time leaving it alone for a while to help me get all this stuff out of my mind. I have done what I needed to do and I think it’s time moving forward now… Quitting from these boards will be sad. This place have helped me TREMENDOUSLY and I want to thank all the people who’ve helped & support me during these past 18 months… I’m sorry for all those people I have disappointed…but I know it was something I needed to do… I feel ‘cleansed’ now and now I can let it go.

To any new FWS here who follow this thread: Please don’t think it’s OK to break NC. NC is very important. I still strongly STRONGLY believe in NC. NC really IS the answer to recovery. Please don’t use my example as an exuse to break NC. I have break NC with the sending of my letter, I know, but I just know it was something I needed to do for my own closure and personal recovery. Yeah, BS’s, I know this sounds selfish and it sounds if I only care about ME, ME, ME, but it’s not true… However, I can’t blame anyone for thinking this way... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Blessed Time, after you have post about the disorder I’m using medication for, most people will probably think I’m this pathetic, weak person who have serious mental and psychological problems... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I truly hope this is not the case. You know, most people really have a very judgmental attitude and wrong perception towards people with psychiatric disorders…I have experience this judgemental attitude and wrong perception of society FIRST-HAND... I know I’m responsible for my own wrong choices and actions and I don’t want anyone to think that I blame all my problems and wrong choices on childhood issues and psychiatric problems. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Very few people know about these things, but because I've viewed these forums as a safe, healthy and anonymous place, I always felt I could be totally honest about everything of myself and my inner struggles and weaknesses. After all these attacks and name-calling I’m not sure if I feel that safe anymore to open up and express myself freely and honestly... After today I’m not sure if this is still a healthy place for me anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I just felt sick to my stomach this morning after I've read all the responses I’ve received yesterday. I don’t feel these boards is a safe place for me to vent anymore but maybe this is a sign to leave these boards behind now… I’m happy for all the BS’s who can safely post here and receive all the empathy and support they need... WS's on these boards who make mistakes and are honest about it, are viewed as TERRIBLE people. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I was just wondering - how can I take care of my H and other people around me if I'm not allowed to also take care of MYSELF and what I need to do to 'cleanse' myself from the past? No, but that’s only SELFISH!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Geez, I didn’t SLEPT with this man or planned to left him for my dear H, I made a MISTAKE based on wrong perceptions about opposite sex-friendships and I've tried my uttermost best to ‘cleanse’ myself from the past so that I will be able to move forward for once and for good. But yes, maybe I’m NOT doing so by still reading and posting to these boards!

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 07:51 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

Dear Suzet.
I have a very good friend that is on medication for a bi-polar mental disorder and she is very intelligent and 'more sane' than most people!
She just needs to take her medication every day!

You also are very intelligent and 'sane'!
Nothing to be ashamed of for having a mental problem anymore than if you had a physical problem!

Suzet, maybe it is time for you to consider yourself 'cleansed' from this inappropriate behaviour and move on.

Not away from this MB but start a new post on how you can "get the zip back in your marriage" or something like that.

The people here that are on your case have tried so hard to help you to keep NC with the OM.

You had said you were in love with him, do you still have these feelings of caring?
You really cannot help how you feel; only how you react to those feelings.

Sincerely, Julie

Blessed Time,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You had said you were in love with him, do you still have these feelings of caring?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, unfortunately I does. Not “in love” feelings anymore, but feelings of care. Although this latest contact (2 e-mails from OM and this one I send this week) hasn’t put me back in withdrawal again, I still struggle with residual feelings. This is really frustrating! A while back, after there was no contact (not even accidental contact) for a few months, I felt relatively healed from most of those feelings. But then I bumped a few times in him during 1 week and just from seeing him many of those feelings returned. You must understand these residual feelings have NOTHING to do with the love I feel for my dear H. You know, I just wish I could reach that state where I feel NOTHING for OM anymore. I don’t want to hate him either. I just wish I could feel NEUTRAL towards him. But I guess it’s hard if I’m forced under the circumstances to still work at the same company and accidentally bump into him now and then. What you said is true: We can't help our feelings but how we react on them. I just wish there was I way I could stop having these emotional responses e.g. anxiety etc. in response to those feelings.

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 05:56 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

Hello all,

I have continue to receive responses in the In Recovery board and therefore I have only posted to the In Recovery board these last few days, but there is something I also want to make clear on these board and on this thread:

It seems to me that everyone thinks I was willfully and intentionally unfaithful to my H during the IR... On the other forum ForeverHers have said the following: For believers, it's different. There is an unwaivering, unchanging, set of "rules." They are laid down by our Lord and are not subject to our changing whims or rationalizations. They clearly define "right and wrong" behavior. My question is, how could I define between “right and wrong” behaviour and know about these “rules” if I was raised with the perception (and by my father’s example) that there is nothing wrong with close opposite sex friendships as long as there is not any physical involvement, declarations of love towards each other etc? I was raised in the church and in a religious family, I knew these “rules” about physical adultery which is explicitly prohibited in the Script, but I didn’t know (and there is not clear guidance in the Script) about EA’s and opposite sex friendships and I really wasn’t aware of the dangers beforehand. I unwittingly form an emotional connection with OM before realizing that I've crossed the line from platonic friendship into something more. I first learn about EA’s and that I was involved in one after I’ve discovered this website on MB and after my own inappropriate involvement corrected all the wrong perceptions I had about opposite sex friendships. I recognize these kinds of friendships all around me now at work (because of what I’ve learned from my own experience) but it seem people (even good, religious people) don’t even realize that they’re on dangerous grounds.

My H never felt he was not loved by me during the IR. As I’ve said before, the feelings I’ve developed for OM had nothing to with my love for my dear H. The IR DIDN’T happen because of problems/issues within my M. Although I’ve developed inappropriate and adulterous feelings towards OM, I always resisted physically acting or verbally expressed my feelings towards him because I love my H so much, respect our M and have a very strong sense of conscience and moral standards.

The same day just after I’ve send the e-mail to OM and also published it here on MB, I’ve received a reply from OM where he acknowledged that he acted wrong and that he is remorseful about the pain he have caused... For the first time he used the words “I’M SORRY” and I could sense he meant it sincerely. It was clear from his reply that my e-mail (and the article I’ve included about emotional infidelity) made him aware of the fact that our involvement wasn’t just an innocent friendship but indeed damaging to all parties involved. He also said he understand know why NC is so important and that he will respect it and not try to contact me again. Before I received his apology, I was still holding on to the bitterness, hurt and angriness towards OM and couldn’t let go of these sinfull feelings and it was influencing my relationship with my Lord negatively. Now, after I have received remorse and repentance, I can let go, forgive and have peace with myself. And yes, I have also shown the reply to my H and my H was glad WITH ME for the positive reaction I have received. He understands how important this was for my own spiritual well-being (to receive repentance and be able to forgive) and that it wasn’t just rationalizations to suit my own needs. I have finally come to realize that OM wasn't just this terrible and bad person (as I've tried to convince myself during the past few months), but also a sinful human being (like me) who have made a mistake.

This WAS and WILL BE the last contact I had with OM and I’m just terribly sorry that I didn't POJA on this with my H first. Yes, I have made a mistake and I have acknowledge that… I’m just very sorry about the respect I have lost among the people on these boards with the mistake I’ve made. At least I was HONEST on these boards about what I've done and haven't tried to keep it a secret from anyone.

<small>[ March 30, 2004, 04:08 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

This WAS and WILL BE the last contact I had with OM
Okay, now remember, if you receiver ANY emails, phone calls, messages, or ANYTHING, you immediately get rid of it BEFORE you read it.
Then you will immediately inform your husband of it.
Correct?

Suzet-

Just a quick note to let you know that it's difficult to follow your story because of the forum hopping. You getting the support you need is the main thing though, so keep on posting! And I'd suggest you resist the temptation to respond to everyone that might be critical....You're doing well, just keep up the NC!

Suzet....you have not lost my respect at all sweetie!!! I think when you have a friendship with someone first and then it becomes something a little deeper,naturally it hits you blindsided. You have never had a close friendship with the opposite sex turn emotional on you like this. I know that I for one hate the fact that I will never trust men or myself in a friendship like I used to.

I think the biggest deal with the NC rule on here is to protect you from being right back at square one. It's not to condemn you or make you feel bad about yourself, it's to say "watch out" when you may not see the harm in what you're doing. Unfortunately, you and I work in the same place where the OM is and there is going to be times when NC is just not feasible. I wish that the both of us get jobs elsewhere but I know that I for one am pretty well stuck right now. I know that a lot of people think that it's easy to just go out and get another job. It's not always that easy, I have tried!!

Please don't feel bad about yourself because of the e-mail. I do hope that you're feeling better!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Chris –
Correct! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Litchfield –
Thanks for your note and encouragement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Lisa –
I understand what you are saying about our job situations... Anyway, thanks to you as well and yes, I’m feeling much better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />