Cherished, i know what you mean. What is Harley's radio phone number? I am conseling with SH, his son. He told me to hang in till MB weekend, then can consider Plan B. I am really scared to go to Plan B. Somedays I feel better, I can pull myself away of the situation, somedays i can not. I guess that is the rollercoster ride. I just wish this ends soon.

Look under Marriage Builders radio for more info but it is 1.800.332.5169. I hadn't realized that SH had counseled you to hang on. Personally, I never could have. Even with the suspicion of an affair, I was beside myself, running down and trying to find Sophia's car, going to her house, calling her at work and home... As I look back, I was out of my mind. My H was dropping hints and then telling me I was psychotic to be so upset and then later he told me that part of his justification for continuing was how badly I was treating him.

I know that I should not do crazy things. That is why i plan A. He noticed that. But I think he couldn't control himself. His action hurts me. But SH Harley told me to hang in, he needs to get on board before consider any other action. I constantly pray for strength, and patience.

Lostnhurt, People are different. I actually managed Plan A for about six weeks after I was told of the proposition. Looking back, it was then that I should have moved to Plan B -- but it was the week of our last child's baptism, we had two family reunions coming up, and I though I was overreacting. I tried to solve the problem by going into IC, and it didn't work. If you are able to "put the ball in your husband's court" and Plan A while you are doing it, that does seem to me like the better approach. I wasn't. I demanded he stop seeing her and got upset. Good luck to you, and keep us posted.
Cherished

I see that I have to go to Plan B soon. But I still want to wait till after the MB weekend. I will go to a cruise before that for a week. That gives me sometime away from him.

I'm glad you have that break in there. Good luck to you!

Cherished, Thanks for your encouragement. But I am so lost and hurt. I don't know where I am.

Hi...I can't remember...did you hire a PI? I remember in an earlier thread talking about it.

Hard to get your H's attention with so little proof.

If there is a full fledged A going on..tapping his phone line or hiring a PI should help get proof that your H can't deny.

What was the reaction of the OW's H?

Yes, I did confront OW H on a few occasions...worked for us...she knew that I was serious about exposing A to whole world (neighborhood, friends, etc...her H and I previously exposed to our families). She was also afraid of what else I might do...she saw my determination to keep her away from my H.

Good news for us is that and other things worked long enough for my H to come out of fog (few weeks)..then he wouldn't have gone near her with a ten foot pole...he despised her.

I do realize that confronting OW can backfire...in this case I had an advantage because I knew OW...knowing her...made me confident this would work.

Your H is doing the worst thing he possibly could to you, but it is because he is addicted and can't get out of it. Appreciate that this pain is not something to be downplayed.

I really don't know if our M will make it, but I am finding the program very insightful. Our M went downhill starting on our wedding night. It turns out that, unlike most women, my number one need is for sexual affection. Tom wanted sex, and he ignored me except when we could have sex -- we practiced natural family planning. His number one need is for admiration, and guess what? My admiration for him came in large part from his meeting my need for sexual affection. Sophia gave him admiration, and he responded with sexual affection.

With your situation, the MBW will put the ball in your husband's court, giving him the opportunity to try to break the addiction to OW so that you can meet each other's emotional needs. The hard part for a BS, I think, is making it clear that the ball is in their court. You can assure him that you will try to meet the needs OW met for him, but you cannot make the choice for him to give your relationship a real try by breaking contact with OW.

Harley has a formula for romantic relationships. You have emotional needs that vary, and so does your husband. The formula is to learn how to meet them. From a detached point of view, it's rather interesting. I have heard Harley say that Plan A is more likely to lead to a marriage that works, but Plan B is for people -- like me -- who cannot handle themselves well when their spouse is involved with someone else. Hang in there, count the days, and trust that this will work if anything will!

Cherished and Forever,

Thanks very much. I am very very frustrated and hurt and this moment. I did not hire a PI. He got caught by OW text messaging him. So he sort of confessed. But he still want to seperate. This morning I told him that he can go if he really wants to. But I broke down crying in front of him so badly. He said thank you to me to letting him go. What kind of thnak you is that, I don't want it. I hate it. I want to die.

He doesn't necessarily mean that...remember fog talk..temporarily insane.

My H also gave me the if you love me you'll set me free speech (before dday). He didn't mean it. He was confused and anguished.

I too told him that if the only way he could be happy I would let him go (pre-dday and pre-MB).

He ended up not leaving, not even after dday.

He's crazy right now...he doesn't know what he really wants.

I thought he never confessed to an A, just a "friendship". Did I miss that?

If he hasn't confessed to an actual A might go the PI route.

If he's talking about leaving...ask him what his exact plan is. When asked this...my H didn't really have a plan. When asked later when he was out of fog...he said he could never really picture himself without me. But at time that he said he wanted to leave...he just wanted to run away from everything he'd done.

Remember something......a WS is like a cupful of sand in the palm of your hand.....the tighter you squeeze the faster it runs through your fingers. Loosen the grip and it just sits there.

If he wants to go let him go. It is not loving to keep someone where they do not want to be, it is controlling. The last thing you want to do is appear controlling. Just because he leaves doesn't mean he won't come back.

I think it is great that you are going on that cruise. Buy some new clothes, get a new haircut and get a makeover. Give H something to think about. Let him see a vibrant, confident, loving you. That is much more attractive than a sad, clingy, worried wife and it gives him a bit to consider.

Thanks for your inside. At this stage, i am very numb and feel hopeless. I know that is only my feeling, it in NOT hopeless. I don't knwo what I should do next, and I don't want to think about it.

I talked to OW's H this afternoon and telling him that i am letting him go. He said I am crazy and they will be togehter happily ever after. He tell me not to listen other people's idea. I said it is my life and M. I will do it for my M too.

It is another day. Every morning I pray to GOD and thank him that I survive another day. I feel so ampty and sad. I don't feel well either. But I will get strong and live.