Fl -

I love your attitude here. I always love reading all of your posts but this one made me smile inside.

I'm glad to hear you are going to work on yourself. You will see very very soon that this is going to benefit you more then it will ever benefit your H.

I was amazed at how quickly my body changed once I put the focus on bettering myself and I feel so good about ME now.

I totally used the A for motivation. It was a lot easier to get through the last 20 minutes of a Body Pump class. I no longer use that for motivation. I don't need to.

Seeing the change in my body is motivation enough.

Good for you FinallyLearning!!!!

[

I'd like for him to be larger but will I push him for that. NO WAY! I love him just the way he is. I wouldn't change him for all the gold in Texas.

It's making the best of what you have. It would be selfish to expect anything more. [/QB][/QUOTE]


THATS exactly what I am talkin about that very quote.

THERES that word SELFISH ! SO for you to epect more is selfish . HE COULD BE LARGER THOUGH RIGHT?

and even though YOU stated you would like that he be larger you do not push !

IF you did your need would then become selfish .

SO how do you agree with ORBIT . He says he expects that his S work to there FULLEST ability to met that need . AND if not the M is at risk .

ITS like a child , they get A's in math , then after 3 years they start getting c's ,,, well ya get the tutor and you tell them they are to active and grades are slipping and they are capable of better so you want them to acheive higher ........ WELL in some cases they go crazy trying there best to please you and get it better ... BUT now you relize they may be only capable of AVERAGE in math ... SO do you take everything away for the rest of there life till they work even harder and never let them go out again until they do what they did 3 yrs ago ???


NO ,, time changes the work changes its more its harder , it more complicated ect.

SO like in M I could have been 36, 24, 34 and sold when we met and thats so great well now 19 yrs knowing me 12 yrs M 2 children and alot of stress -----------ITS not the same ,, no $hit things change life changes ,, money changes ,, your time and prioritys change ....

NO excuses ,,, just life ,.

heroswife - thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> i have my moments, huh? i certainly can't imagine ALL my posts are fun to read though!!!!

3isacrowd, i must admit, this thread was too long when i started reading so i have not read it all, but i'm thinking you are struggling with if AS in general is a selfish need or not, but i think you are being tripped up by your specific situation because it sounds like to me, your H may be taking it to an extreme.

i think in general AS is a valid EN, i personally think if someone ranks this high on the list, i might question that person's priorities. for me, i know i am not in ideal shape so the fact that this need is now showing up on H's radar is understandable. the fact he has communicated this to me is a good thing. now i have a choice, try to meet this need or not. whether i do or not, has nothing to do with if H is allowed to have an A, but just like any other EN, if I choose not to care about his need, i am compromising our relationship.

with that said, marriages are also about negotiation and each spouse has the right and obligation to communicate to the other spouse if what is being stated as a EN bothers them and to explain exactly why it bothers them and this discussion must continue until both partners are truely happy with the outcome.

if your H is being out of line, it is not because the need for AS in general is outragous or selfish it is because the spin he is putting on it might be. if i read it right, you are a small size already!!!! does any of this make sense??

3 -

Do you now think my views of AS are selfish? I can honestly say that I like having an attractive H. I've never been married before so I'm not sure how i would feel otherwise. I've been with my H since I was 15.

I have said in the past that I did not think my H was the be all end all of hot guys when we were dating. I didn't care about that at all. I now think that he is the hottest man on the face of this earth. I've felt like that since we were married. I'm sure other women will look at him and see something totally different but I do not. I can't imagine anyone meeting him and not falling in love on the spot....that's where I saw my H prior to the A.

Now after the A I had to face the reality that not only was he "a human being" not some idol I had imagined in my mind and he wasn't above all others....I started to notice his faults. I'll say that is when I first saw him through a differnt light. I thought to myself...you know you aren't perfect. You have this tiny little butt and these tiny little legs and your teeth aren't very straight. I had never really noticed that before the A. The A opened my Eyes to his flaws. Oddly enough as we recover I'm not noticing those flaws as much.

I do not think I will ever view him as I did prior. That's a shame. I'm sure he'll realize that loss soon enough. It's easy to consider yourself so perfect when you have someone standing beside you telling you are great you are all the time.

I guess adimiration was not a big EN for him, huh?

Somehow, we are not connecting here. Not sure how else to say it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> your time and prioritys change .... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Precisely. It's a matter of priorities. These are negotiated. No sane person would expect you to "do it all" perfectly.

The point of my post was that you acknowledge the need and make reasonable effort to meet it.

This is true of ANY emotional need - not just AS.

I could make all the same arguments about Domestic Support that you are making about Attractive Spouse. Yeah, I'm getting older...it's harder to push that vacuum and put up those Christmas lights. And, doggonit, with older kids I have more cars to change the oil in...
I just can't imagine how I'll find time and energy to meet my wife's need for an Attractive Spouse...but I'm darn sure gonna try.

The POINT is that I'm gonna try...I'm gonna do the best with what I have. I can't worry about "What if my best isn't good enough?" because I can't do anything about that.

I fully expect that I'll have to sacrifice the energy I put into meeting other needs to meet this. But those other needs aren't high on the list right now. When they move up, I'll shift gears - I'll re-prioritize.

I think when you start discounting your H's needs as he expresses them, you are jeopardizing your marriage.

I think your grounded children analogy is flawed because you are assuming that you will be subject to some kind of punishment while you are working to meet that need. That's not true. I think you begin reaping the benefit as soon as you start putting forth the effort...because putting forth the effort is what's important!

Recognizing that your marriage is at risk because of failure to meet needs you know about is simple Harley philosophy. It's not extortion to meet the needs of someone you love.

Low

NO , HERO , I am not calling you selfish the exact opisit.
You know its weird what ya said, about seeing H flaws,,, I like you looked at H (pre-A) the same way ,,, but still on the out side I see no different .

He to me remains as good looking in everyway he did to me when I met him .

The only flaws I saw are on the inside LOL

anyway I thank you so much in engaging in this post all veiws like I have said, before are well taken and helpfull .

Orbit - well sir your right we might be missing eachothers points here , or maybe just not seeing eye to eye LOL

BUT I will say one thing , in most cases I think what you said, in last post is true for most , YOU SEE THE REWARD just by trying .

BUT in my case as some other women I know on a personal level , my anology was correct .

THERE is a "PUNISHMENT" some men don't reward the effort they are waiting till the hole thing is accomplished .

Another words till the HOLE need is met ( the weight is off and the body stands befroe me in the manner in witch they deem FIT )

WEIRD to me , I do feel if the person is taking the steps to met the need , then that should be the start to saying wow this is so nice they are really trying .

Encourage and show that they see what you are doing for them .

WHAT different animals we all are LOL thats what makes life go round .

FL- sorry if I didn't address you , yes my H does take it to an extreme .

3, I've had computer problems at home and just reading bits and pieces at work with no time to post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But just had to jump in when I read this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THERE is a "PUNISHMENT" some men don't reward the effort they are waiting till the hole thing is accomplished .

Another words till the HOLE need is met ( the weight is off and the body stands befroe me in the manner in witch they deem FIT )

WEIRD to me , I do feel if the person is taking the steps to met the need , then that should be the start to saying wow this is so nice they are really trying .

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My feelings exactly! It is so frustrating to be trying to lose weight and never being given even a little credit for our attempts...or even worse being called names and when you lose the first 10 pounds they say they can't tell it. This is my dilemna! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> All this from a man that seems to think that all he was supposed to do after Dday was to quit scr***ing the slut! Give me some credit here!

You (H) want me to be thin, go to work everyday, take care of house, yard, bills and make huge meals when your family piles in for days, and not eat! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> etc., etc.

Am I upset? Yes, but I feel better after that last paragraph! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Do I have more stuff inside? You betcha! Gotta get my puter back so this doesn't build up, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well, it's lunchtime here and I'm trying not to eat so it's better to say "Hi" while I have a minute. The vent part is your fault. You told me I could! Thank you, thank you, thank you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooOld4This:
<strong>

Well, it's lunchtime here and I'm trying not to eat ...... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't do that! It will slow down your metabolism! Here....have a nice hamburger! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Breath in BREATH OUT ! ok word of advice ,,, get the computer fixed asap! If ya feeling the need to vent get on here let me know if I can bring up any other topics that might piss ya off and let off steam LOL

So deiting ,,,, well as you read on this thread , I am up to the same thing , don't it just BLOW , (not even the fun type of BLOW either LOL )

AND don't get me started on where ya going in that last post ,,,, cause lately (noy in a real angrey way) I am revisiting those thoughts of the FWS gets off easy .


I mean alittle vent to help ya here , cause I be feelin ya ....


SO I'll say all you want to say I read minds well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
IT seems that since the time the A is discovered the work begins ,,, BS: FILL the EN of the WS, try to if need be separate the OP from the WS , then the dreded N/C letter , then the snoop till ya feel like you are colombo ,,,,,THEN the fun WITHDRAWL oh JOY !!! get to watch the WS pine over the WONDERFUL, oh so perfect OP ,,,,,,,Then some where in there you talk to them about meds, counsoling rct....

IF IF IF you get lucky enough the LITTLE BULB inside the pint size brain goes off and the WS starts to finnally WORK (alittle at first)


NOW that the life has been sucked out of you with you sniffing up a tree stump to find oxygen ,,,,

THEY feel guilty and they think thats hell ,,,,NO the hell was way back when your head was stuck up your A$$ .....................................

THEN the roots of the M-problems are there ,,, OH JOY again the WS is OPEN AND HONEST (well thanks for catching up to me dear)

So they decide to through more things at ya so you can fill there needs that THEY kept from you until the OP opened them up for them .(OH JOY AGAIN)

BUT all in all they LOVE YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


OK MY DEAR FREIND TO4T ... did that help ,, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
COME on we have had some vents together you can tell me did I read your mind ,, did I did I


LOVE YA WOMEN !

AND MEL is right ,, you must eat , it will slow your matbilism down ,, so instead turn in to the easter bunny ,,, carrots, lettuce, celary ..

OH JOY ! I came to the conclusyion I can never eat the fun things in life again ... no more brownies, cake , cookies, ice cream ...

OK I am depressed but the exsplosion made me laugh !

NOTE TO ALL FWS: please do not take offense , I was venting with a dear freind that relates to me very well . AND understands my humor .

Oh 3...you kill me!

I'm totally crack'n up at your last post. You know I thik I'll sign off the board on that note. I needed a good laugh to start my weekend.

Rough week at work...another coming up next week. I think I'll just go have myself some nice fatty snacks at the hockey game and drink beer till I'm tipsy!

Have a good weekend all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> SO I'll say all you want to say I read minds well
IT seems that since the time the A is discovered the work begins ,,, BS: FILL the EN of the WS, try to if need be separate the OP from the WS , then the dreded N/C letter , then the snoop till ya feel like you are colombo ,,,,,THEN the fun WITHDRAWL oh JOY !!! get to watch the WS pine over the WONDERFUL, oh so perfect OP ,,,,,,,Then some where in there you talk to them about meds, counsoling rct....

IF IF IF you get lucky enough the LITTLE BULB inside the pint size brain goes off and the WS starts to finnally WORK (alittle at first)


NOW that the life has been sucked out of you with you sniffing up a tree stump to find oxygen ,,,,

THEY feel guilty and they think thats hell ,,,,NO the hell was way back when your head was stuck up your A$$ .....................................

THEN the roots of the M-problems are there ,,, OH JOY again the WS is OPEN AND HONEST (well thanks for catching up to me dear)

So they decide to through more things at ya so you can fill there needs that THEY kept from you until the OP opened them up for them .(OH JOY AGAIN)

BUT all in all they LOVE YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3 - I am peeing my pants...you've GOT IT!!! Hit that damn nail right on the head! I know that I should not be encouraging you (this is not a positive marriage builder attitude) but you've got it.

...and through it all, BS, DO NOT get depressed, in a funk, or angry. DON'T do it because it is a love buster and will withdraw units from your WS love bank. Don't focus on the fact that your spouse slept with another person...that is in the past...he's with you now, right...good enough then. Put on a smile and just fill up that love bank. Don't expect anything in return. Don't ask for it...serious love buster.

You know, the other day my H said, "Your funk is a serious turn off." Hmm, but his A wasn't? Not that I'm trying to go tit for tat but can I please have some understanding? Oh, that's right, my feelings in all of this aren't on the table for discussion...this is about HIS needs not being met. This is about him NEEDING to have an A so he could be stroked not about my needs. This is about ME meeting his needs because, after all, he's the one who had the A so I must have been the one who failed him, right?

Saturday I checked his email and found 2 from OW. Supposedly they haven't had any contact in 3.5 weeks. Friday she sends him an email telling him she's feeling paranoid and is he at work (she's on vacation so she's sending it from home)? About an hour later she sends another email saying, 'forget it and happy easter'. He says he didn't get either (left work early?) and doesn't know what either mean. The point of it all is that I'M wrong because I was snooping. "I didn't have the balls to ask to read his emails when he was home." Hmm, he gave me the password, what did he think I was going to do with it?

Anyway, just venting here...spent all day yesterday biting my tongue and trying to keep a smile on my face...remember my funk is a turn off. Lost it briefly this morning but apologized (sincerely) so...thanks for letting me get it out on you. Trying to hold it together around H.

Good morning, had a weird weekend and no coconut bunny cake to make me feel better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

3, good gracious girl, I didn't know you were so clairvoyant (sp?) I couldn't have said it any better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Till I get the puter back (mid-week I hope) when I get all worked up, I'm just gonna post a short note, "3 - VENT FOR ME!" Then all I gotta do is read and say "Yeah - what 3 said!"

I'm gonna lose my weight - for me - cause I just don't feel like doing it to fulfill H's need right now. I can't postpone losing it until he decides to be supportive or I'll die fat! I'm an emotional eater on top of just generally liking food. And Lord knows, the emotions have been flying in all directions these days. Gonna stock up on bunny food, 3. = <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MelodyLane - Thanks for the virtual burger. I didn't see it till this morning, so I had it for breakfast with my imaginary chocolate shake. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm so glad you all are here! ((((Hugs)))) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LF--- the good old HANG IN THER GIRL!
I know it all isn't MB PRINCEPALS ,, but in away its all how you look at it ,,, IT does say to VENT ,,, DOESN"T it???????????

LISTEN , I don't want anyone here to think that I am not down for the work ,, and into the I know I signed up for it, just as so many of us has.

BUT we all go through the bad days and some like this vent although a sad reality is fun sometimes when ya put all down in your own prespective and know others do feel the same way ...


CHIN UP !

TO4T--- so happy to be of service women ,, I'll vent for ya anytime ,, got my back I got yours .

HEY look at it as FILLING THE NEED FOR A FREIND LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> AND its safe your a female so I am not filling one for ANOTHER MAN! LOL

OH and the loosing weight thing I got the greast book if intersted :BODY for LIFE BY; Bill Phillips and Michael D'Orso 12 weeks to mental and physical STRENGTH ,,, good reading and great program I think it will get ya motivated it did me . And ya know it takes alot LOL


I am making a turning point not sure if its totally the right one but ,,, I am doing it for him but now I have decided this is really for me . now that its for me to fill this need in me then I think I will be able to be more serious about it .

I have been working out for 2 weeks since this thread and now starting today I will step it in ti high gear for me .

MAybe what I missed the most isn't just how H looked at me but the way others did to ,, it was a high I got from paople complementing me ,,, OH MY I AM SHALLOW ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

ALL I know is I am not here to be negitive but just ffor the fact I am human and alot of new people around here real need to hear the hard core thruth of what they think and feel are very common even from some one in recovery .

IT is alot of work and it is ongoing for some time and not all WS get it the same as others ..

That does not mean they are not remorseful or that they are doing it again ,,,ect.

IT just amy be harder and longer for others .

I use to feel that if my H didn't get it like 2oak then he was not a FWS ...
It intimidated me from posting , in reality it will be different cause my H is who he is .

I will change to make him happy BUT I will no longer worry that if I need to say something that might hurt him is a LB I should watch my Ps&Qs

NO way not any more ,,, if I can disifer what he was saying in fog and even out of fog through withdrawal ect.. then He11 He will need to step up alittle and suck up some $HIT to .

If OW comes up in convo or something involving that subect and I want to refer to her as a LOW LIFE DIRTY STREET WALKIN HO then thats what I will do .
If he don't ever see that way, well I can't ever change his mind just as he can't change MINE !
I guees we will agree to disagree LOL

I will from here on in become powerful for me stronger for me , if he don't grow up with me well then I guess he can settle for another HO !

My H is still in a fantasy about how our life should be ,,, needs to get his head out from up his BUTT (again).

I have children , and no money so no he can't go on vacation when ever he wants to cause he is depressed and wants to run away ,, and he wants to be rich with just playing lotto ,,,, well fine sit there and pity your self . I am not coming along any more .

He sits in front of the dam computer all night some times ( harmless) but he does it cause "thers nothing to do" cause we have no money ..
Well I am excirsing , and I am going to walk at the park and I am watching what I want on tv ..

HEY sex don't cost but the price of a condom , so thats something we can do LOL

POINT is he is never satisfied , when he came home I expalined it all , told him don't even think of coming back if ya think that some of these things wil ever change it won't ,, ya know what if ya think going out night after night with the HO and spending money ya don't have is what lifes FUN is all about then go for yours .

CAUSE honey I got responsiblity around here a house mortage, kids to feed and educate and yes they do take up some of my time ,,, its important if ya don't think so them you shouldn't be a parent .

LIFE doesn't revolve around his needs nor mine thats real ! I am not going to get depressed trying to be SUPERWOMEN ! thats not real .

IF you need ALL MY ATTENTION then YOU are selfish thats plane and simple .

LIKE I said, before it would be selfish for me to tell him eat, sleep and breath me . I had to get over that .

I am watching 4 kids tonight a sleep over with nieces , H needs me to help him with memos for work ... I will help as I told him BUT BUT he will ahve to understand I can't give him MY undevided attention . TO BAD , I will stop if the kids need me or if they are fighting ect. OR need a snack .

Eigther wait till they sleep or GET OVER YOUESELF !

Anyone understand this it called life , the way I can't focuse on the A all the time he can't focuse on HIS NEEDS 1005 of the time .

GIVE AND TAKE ,,, It takes 2 in a M .

just the thoguht or vent for the day LOL what ever way ya take it !