Ok I need to start a post…This is hitting me with a vengeance.. I just posted this on “letting go of OM” I need help, support or something…

Oh Sh**, I was just going through a drawer in my office. I thought I had thrown everything from OW out. I ‘m f-in want to throw up…a card an f-in anniversary card from the OW. Signed I Love you baby!!!! Always!!! Love-Your Honey!! OMG My eyes are filling up…..Sh*t… 4 F-in Months into NC, wow I think this is a trigger….Helpppppp!!! Chris

Dude...this is bound to happen from time to time. But you have done so much work already ...why would you want to pick back up the "crack pipe." Just one little "smoke" will kill you!

Just throw the card away. Call your W and tell her what happened. You need to keep yourself honest.

Remember that all the promise of that other relationship was a lie. It was a lie you told yourself to escape your life at the time, your marriage at the time, and yourself at the time. But you have done a lot of hard work since then, getting to know yourself, the man you want to be, being true to the man that you are, the man that your W loves and trusts, owning your mistakes, working to rebuild your marriage. And that, my friend, is reality. A much better place than the dream (because when you choose the dream, you could lose all the good things in your reality, and end up with nothing, nothing at all...and that would be a stinkin mess to "wake up" to).

Stay with reality. And it is good. You are with your W, you are together, and 50 years from now when you are both rocking in rocking chairs on your front porch, you will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you made the right choice. You chose to live a real, honest, upright, responsible life. Life will never be the dream, but you will know you had to face yourself, face your fears, own your shortcomings, and that hopefully, you grew from that. This is not about OW...this is about you.

CALL YOUR W! :-)

chris,

Call your wife,your counselor SOMEBODY and start talking.Get some help please.Don't sit at home alone and try to deal with this.THIS is the perfect time to use that support system,whomever it may be.Burn the card, don't look at it again,OK?

Come back here and stay with us.We will help you.

O

I couldn't have said it better (nor half as well, truth be told) than ChristyV.

Call your W and tell her.

Hi Chris.
To be honest I have been feeling that you were getting over the OW, TOO EASILY.

Because from your first posts here, you were having a very difficult time.
You had said you had been with the OW every day for the past 7 years; hard to just dismiss from your mind and heart, someone that was that much a part of your life.

It is my understanding that your wife knew about the affair 7 years ago, but she thought it ended and doesn't know that you had went on seeing this OW for the past 7 years. (I think you said it began again 6 weeks after confession?)

Poor Chris, it is such a struggle.
My husband had a very hard time with withdrawal, as he had strong and caring feelings for the OW and when she left him for someone else, his heart was broken and I was there to pick up the pieces and help him to put it back together again.

Maybe if your wife knew the whole story, she would be able to help you also.
Sincerely, Julie

<small>[ March 29, 2004, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Thanks for the replies…. I went out to the parking lot and burned it. Wow. Unbelievable. The power that ***** has over me, the power that I give her. I guess looking at “I love you Always” Just another one of her deceitful manipulative lies. Reading that card made me physically ill…not to mention what it did to my emotional state. Well, I have a new look at what NC means. Who would of considered that a simple card, would throw me right back to the sick feelings, the second-guessing, feeling like the last four months were a waste of time, this is so unbelievable. Ok I need to write something here and I know some of you will say it’s harmful to my marriage but F**K – it. I curse the day I ever met that F**king whore. I wish her f**king misery for the rest of her pathetic life. Instead of burning that card I wish I could of stuck it up her Fat [censored] sideways. Now I’m pissed. I am so F**king Sick of this sh*t. SOULMATE MY [censored]…More Like DEATHMATE, HELLMATE. I know this is not very Christian of me, but I’m not feeling very Christen right now.This Sucks.

BT: you are right; I am going home and coming clean. I can’t live like this anymore. Always waiting for the shoe to drop, waiting for the truth to be found out. I’m done…if my wife wants out, I can’t blame her…we shall see. NO MORE LIES. All of this upheaval over a stupid card Take care Chris

Chris! You did the right thing by coming here. Calm down buddy! You will make it thru. Tell your W about it and then come back here. Remember we are all her to support you, just like you are here to support us. We are all in this together, in the same boat. Let us know how you are!

Chris, from what you write, it must be true that there is a THIN LINE between love and hate!!!

Good Luck, if you decide to 'come clean' about this long affair and tell your wife.
And let us know how it went.
It will be the hardest thing you have ever done!

We care very much about you and your marriage and family!
Sincerely, Julie

<small>[ March 29, 2004, 06:12 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Chris, if you have followed my posts at all, you know i confessed 8 days ago. It was the best decision I ever made. If you are going to confess, please make sure your head/heart is in the right place and you are really able to help W cope with news. I am glad I confessed, but i am also glad i waited until i did. I learned so much between Dec, when i first came here and now. And I was able to really do some big time soul searching then too, with the help of so many here.

keep posting.

Karen

Chris, you have been so supportive of me over the past day and a half. I want to be here for you also. I can't imagine the kind of addiction that takes place being with an OP for 7 years. It's obvious it is brutal. Listen, a trigger is just a trigger. I know, easy for me to say. When these things happen, and they will, try to observe it. If you are at least aware it is a trigger that is a good thing. Without the awareness we don't have choices. You made some great decisions today. You acknowledged the trigger and it's power over you. But YOU took control and burned that card. And it seems you might be ready to unburden your heart and soul to your W. It has to be hard holding on to lies.

Please hang in there. You showed courage today!CV

<small>[ March 29, 2004, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Chris....I hope that you're doing better this morning. There is definetely a thin line between love and hate...I absolutely agree. Chris, as JL once told me...in order to get over OP we need to strive for indifference, not hate. Hate will consume you as much as love with...I have found that out!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> My A lasted 11 months and it's been hell getting over it. I can't even imagine 7 years. I can share your doing GREAT one day, and then one little trigger bringing you down. I hope that you don't come across anymore physical triggers such as that card!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

chris, i hope this doesn't offend you but i think in order to heal you have to stop blaming the OP and realize that the blame is on both you and she.

i mainly lurk here now and haven't posted in such a long time but i read your thread and it made me feel sad, seeing all your anger and hatred. you are human like the rest of us and you made an error in judgement. you must accept responsibility for that before you can be whole again. i agree with the previous poster, that you need to feel indifference towards the OP. there is still too much emotion there. god bless

Chris..MJ is absolutely right about the blame game. I'm sure that the OW didn't have to exactly twist your arm just as the OM didn't in my case!!

Chris..If I might add one more thing here. I think that you and I were hurt deeply from our A's. I believe that feelings ran deep, probably more for us than the OP and that does make it easy to feel bitterness. Chris...I pray that you'll find the grace to let it go...You have a wonderful wife from the impression that you've given and you sound like a wonderful H. Think about it, if you had the choice between these two women, who would you be with?

Chris,

You are gonna be ok. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Just calm down and take a deep breath.

I recently realized something since I have had NC with OM. I am still the same person, H is still the same H, M is still the same M. In order for us to move on, past the A and build our M, we have to look at things that allowed the A to happen in the first place. My character defects, my poor thought processes, bad decisions, etc. My not filling H's EN's. And the same goes for H as well. These are things we are more aware of, and are working on to make things better for ourselves and each other. Most importantly, the weaknesses in our M, the vulnerabilities, the "security holes" etc. that allowed the A to happen need to be fixed. This can only happen if both of us know what is wrong and both of us want to fix things.

I hope that makes sense. But it seems to be working for us.

Just hang in there Chris, I think this is normal just stay w/us and focus on your W. You'll get thru it. I know how hard it is, I have my weak moments here as far as OM goes. I just make sure that I tell SOMEONE, most times my therapist, and ask myself what is really lacking here that I am thinking of OM? Deep stuff here I know.

(((CHRIS)))

CV, OG, TH, BT, Mto3B, FL, CV, Kiwi, Lisa, MJ-OH, and MrsX: Thank you all for coming to my aide. I know the anger and the hate is very destructive. I thought I had reached indifference toward the OW. Guess I was just faking it. The card brought back feelings that I had tried to forget and suppressed, it made me so very sad to read the words. I know it was a fantasy, an illusion, but the feelings of love seemed so real. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> The anger made the sad feelings go away for a short time. I know I can’t blame her; I lied to her as well, all in an effort to keep her in my life. My whole life I have spent putting on a facade, making it look like everything was great on the outside trying to be all to everybody, meanwhile on the inside I have been sad and empty. I don’t want to be perceived as weak and someone here, can’t remember who wrote a reply to just take control of your thoughts and forget the OW. I want to let her go, I want to make my family work. I feel I am so pathetic for not being able to let her go. It has become a lot easier, but it still hurts. It seams I feel the best when I paint her in a negative manor and get angry with her. In truth I am angry with me, for throwing my values, my integrity, my morals, right out the window. I am angry with myself for hurting my wife, and my daughters. They did nothing so horrific to deserve this. I brought this pain to my family, for what… my selfish needs. I never wanted to hurt anyone. And somehow I have allowed myself to hurt so many. Last night I went home and call it ironic, I turned on the TV and on the AE channel they were interviewing JFK Jr’s wife’s OM. Not to stick up for him, but his thoughts seemed genuine and his pain real. I know I hurt the OW badly, I treated her with kindness, was always there to comfort her, I made her feel special. She thought I was the greatest man she ever had. She did not know I lying to her. She thought I was getting divorced. I even went so far to give her copies of divorce paperwork. All Fake. So who is the manipulative one, ME. BT: told me this a while back and I guess I was so absorbed in my own pain I did not her it. It went something like, the OW is hurting too, and she just realized there was no future with a married man. So here I am, exposing myself to the scrutiny of others. I am trying my hardest to get over the feelings I had, but it still pains me. Call it Fog, call it weak or call it stupidly… Just know I am trying my hardest to overcome these feelings. Thanks Again for being there. Chris

Chris,

Believe me, I know how you feel. I truly do. Like I said, I get my bad days too. Memories of OM, withdrawl, etc...

I believe in time we are gonna be ok. Just take it day by day and stay focused on your W & M and doing the right thing here and now.

The feelings are real, even if they are inappropriate and even though the A was wrong. It will take time to work thru, so don't beat yourself up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hang in there!!

mrsx

Chris...must me something in the air...I'm in Georgia. where are you?? Maybe these things are airborne!! I have been so sad since last Friday. I have the dreams still occasionally about OM. Not only do I have to see the man still everyday, but he still occasionally intrudes upon my dream life as well!! Dreams aren't in a romantic nature anymore but he still there and it's unsettling to me. They're are times when I feel so strong and then times like the last few days when I feel so tender and emotional all over again. I'm at work while I'm typing this and have had me two good crying spells today...at my desk <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I know these people think that I'm the most emotional human being on the face of the earth <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

MrsX: Thanks for the words of encouragement. I wish I knew why I became such a manipulator, a true scumbag. I have theories and some make sense. It scares me to think that everything I have done is a result of “bad” things that have happened in my past. We can’t change the past, we can learn from it, but it will still be the past. Will the past always be a haunting force and will it always lead to self-destruction? My counselor has told me that I need to go back and embrace the little boy that is in so much pain. I wish I knew how to do that. He told me that I need to cry, a sobbing cry, I can’t seem to do that. I tear up but I never let it all come out. It’s funny he gets me to tear up in therapy but then it is like this force come over me and I stop. He told me last week that I have a lot of anger built up inside.Hmmmm… I have no idea why I am rambling on about this. It would just be nice to have an inner peace that would last.
Lisa…Only thing in the air up here is rain <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (Michigan)
Chris