Jenny...Triggers F-n SUCK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> well that sums it up for me. Seems like a lot of us are have those little demons show up. I am glad you and your hubby talked it all through. One more step on the road to full recovery. Good for you guys. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lisa, Don't think for one second that you caused my dreams. You thinking that you had something to do with them does show how much you care about people. That is such an awesome quality to have. I dream very vivid dreams and I remember them like they really happened. Let me tell you that sucks, puts me into a pretty good depression. However, the dreams have stopped again. It seems like every time I beat off the depression, O-my that sounds funny, I am going to leave that in, we all need a good laugh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I feel stronger. I am trying my absolute hardest to get over what’s her name; I am going to win this. I know in my heart, mind and soul I was too good for her. She was out of her league with me, and I know the next guy that comes along could never compete. So IT IS NOT MY CONCERN. Well that sure sounds like my confidence is coming back I think that if we keep a positive attitude and allow enough time we are all going to be fine. Anyway that is my two cents. Chris

Chris....your "beating off the depression" comment was needed for a good laugh. You do have a way with words!! I'm in the process of reading Dr. Phil's book "Self Matters-Creating your life from the inside out". It is an awesome book! He makes you look back at your life at pivotal moments to enable you to see why you react to things like you do and basically to find out what you're all about. It's amazing at some of the child hood memories that come back and you know what I realize, that little girl is still there, very much in need of healing.

My A has brought to light so many issues that I have tried to keep buried over the years. It's time to deal with them. This book is very much an interactive excerice where he asks you to specifically name situations, people, etc that have played an important role in your life as to why you perceive yourself like you do. I have to say that there are many for me but none has ever affected me as the A and the OM have. There is lots of work for me to do but I intend to do it. I think that it will be more than worth it!

Chris...I do admire your confidence, unfortunately I've made the big mistake of always thinking that I was out of my league with the OM. I guess maybe that has to do with his profession of being the successful "power broker"! His profession is in no means what he is though behind the suit. When it comes to matters of the heart, he doesn't even compare to me. He is a coward in every sense of the word. He was a coward with me and most of all he is with his wife who still knows nothing of his A with me or his previous 3. I've heard that his wife can be a real B and that she is harsh and has been known to enjoy the game of cutting him down in front of others at social gatherings. Well, he is the same way. I didn't see it at first but when I look back at some of the things that he has said to me and things that should have been said, he is well matched with his W.

I guess I was a person that he could come along and be the controller of,for once, and control he did, but I allowed it. It's time for me to quit allowing him and the relationship to control what I think of myself now. I've made the mistake too many times of asking myself why I wasn't good enough for him to at least admit to something other than having "special feelings" for. If you will look back at my previous threads, you will see that this has been a major issue for me in getting closure. I have days when I am much stronger and very much have the "ITS NOT MY PROBLEM" attitude but then there are others days where I feel like I too am at "day 1 all over again".

I cannot seperate myself from you and others here though to get through this. I need this in order to vent these feelings that I cannot share anywhere else.

Lisa, SG, Kiwi, Chris & all sending hugs your way tonight. I am thinking about you all and hope you have a Happy Easter. (or Passover if you observe that)well that goes for everyone here as well. Have a safe holiday and take care of yourselves & your loved ones.

Things are going pretty good here at home w/H. He has a stiff neck today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> so when he gets home from work I am gonna give him a nice massage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Lisa thanks for saying such nice things about me here, you are such a sweetie. But you know you are helping ME as much as I may be helping YOU.You are a great friend...
Now you keep your head up, you are gonna be just fine! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ April 09, 2004, 09:39 PM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

I've been talking to JL on my post in "in recovery" and was focussing on all the good things about my H.

And, I realised I really do love him.

I've been thinking how I was feeling during the A. I was so miserable ALL the time. What was I doing to my H and my marriage - did OM love me, when would I see him again - all the usual blah, blah blah.

Without any contact at all it feels I am getting my life back.

I also replied to someone who is embarking on an A.

My reply was quite prim and proper LOL

Now, if those f...ing triggers (as Chris says - would a prim and proper lady say that LOL) would just go away I really do believe I have every chance at really enjoying my life, my H and my marriage again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The triggers are the only thing that bother me now - I don't want OM and all the misery that went with him...but the memories are so powerful <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Jenny

<small>[ April 10, 2004, 12:53 AM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

MrsX. Hugs back at you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jenny: You can swear like a sailor anytime you want through me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ok, here's something interesting: I quite smoking a week ago. It has been pretty easy, The Withdrawal is nothing compared to the withdrawal of OW. I feel like superman battling this addiction. However, last night, guess what I had a dream about, Yep… Smoking. I woke up and all I can think about is lighting a cigarette and taking one drag. Sound familiar, I am not going to, but the thought is there. We all know cigarettes are addictive; the similarities in withdrawal symptoms have helped to reaffirm for me the OW was just that, a nasty addiction and not true love. Chris

Ah, smoking - not quite ready to give that up yet. I started again soon after the A started which should have been a huge clue for my H about the state I was in, but wasn't.

I don't think I could go through two withdrawals just now LOL


Jenny

ok..I see a trend here. I started back smoking too after 15 years of having quit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />