For those of you who know our story...FWH is seeing OW today for the first time. I am a nervous wreck and so is he. He has arranged that he do rounds with another subordinant instead of OW. OW was expecting FWH to show up yesterday and not today. OW I am sure will be dressed well and looking her best (whatever that may be as I understand she needs a bag for her face).

SH has suggested FWH to come up with a Plan of Protection for FWH. But he hasn't done it yet. As his session was only yesterday. I think FWH is strong enough, but seeing her today may set him back. I KNOW it will set him back.


How am I going to deal with this. And do not say NO CONTACT. It is impossible for my FWH to do that because of his job. SH knows this and has addressed him with it. I just need support and ideas of what to do. How to deal with it. What if he comes home today in a major depression...

UGH! I cant take it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ April 01, 2004, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>

Mom, I wish I could give you some great advice. That month my H worked with OW became so stressful for me. I can't imagine knowing he would have to have regular contact. I think the one thing I am learning is that I can't speed this process up, no matter how much I want to. I want OW out of my H's mind so she can be permanently out of my mind. Unfortunately this withdrawal period doesn't work that way.

My H is terribly depressed, anxious, and can't even imagine being happy again. I just told him this is a very unhappy time in both of our lives, but we can get through it. He has to have faith that he will get through this dark tunnel. I hope he can. The bottom line is that neither you or I can control if or when they can do that.

Try to stay strong. Remember you are the clear thinker in this situation. We all care about you. CV

Personally, I'd up-stakes and move to Arizona if I were you. Or DC. Or wherever the OW isn't. Your H has a highly portable and in-demand job. Where have you always wanted to be? OW can have her little corner of the world -- y'all have the rest of it to play in. So go play!

That would be ideal, but H owns his own rural health clinic. We almost went bankrupt trying to get it started and now it is booming. Idealy I want to go to San Antonio to be with my mom and ill father. We have 10 employess we have to pay salaries to, so giving it all up would be all of them losing their jobs. It took him a long time to build this business and get it to where it is. Ideally, yes, it would be great to move, but realistically we cant. Seeing OW is just once a week for 2 hours a day and I THINK we can get thru this. The real test will be today as it is the first time. But he is strong. well, he is not strong, he is weak, but I am positive he is moving forward and wanting the marriage to work. Speaking to SH yesterday really helped him as he opened up more and more..almost too much, but SH suggests that he tell me everything about the Affair and some of the details, I am shocked at. I DO NOT want to hear any part of the sex stuff, but the things he did to lie to me....I just cant beleive MY H stooped that low.

Infidelity can strike anyone...Dont fool yourself if you think you cant be a victim. You must always have your guard up, always. No one is perfect and we are all human. Just a bit of advice for those who think it would never hapen to them. I was one of those people at one point and look at us now. We are just another statistic. I will let you know how it goes when he calls me, although I will in my session with SH at the time.

Mom, from your response to my post, I know you will be okay. I was curious, since your H owns the clinic, doesn't he have control over who works there? Or more specifically, can he change the OW duties so that he is not in contact with her? I know you can't legally fire somebody for no reason but can't she be reassigned?? I'm not entirely familiar with your story, I appologize if the answer is obvious.

IGP...This woman doesn't work at H clinic. This woman works at one of his nursing homes that he is the director of. He rounds there once a week. He is not the boss, just the director so he has no control over who works there and when they work. He cannot quit the job as it is a sizeable about of income and when you ahve 10 employees you must pay, it becomes a problem.

I spoke wtih SH and he says that H needs to be confident he can do this. I think H is confindent. I just spoke with H and he sounded good. Although he said it was hard seeing her, not sure on his part or hers, but he will call me back when he is done.

Thanks for the support guys!

Hang in there, mom. From dad's posts, it sounds like his head is in the right place - out of the fog. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> So even though seeing her today will be tough for him, I believe he's got the strength to pull it off. He may be depressed or a little down today, but remember to just be supportive of him and the marriage. Give him hope for the future of your own marriage.

We'll be thinking of you.

Thanks WHB! Have I told you guys how much I LOVE YOU here! Honestly...You guys are my lifeline right now!

I hear ya, mom. It's great to have this forum full of people who know exactly what you're going through, and understand why you're doing the things you're doing.

Even if sometimes you don't like what you hear.......(seems to be happening to me more and more everyday! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )

Well, H came back home after seeing OW...I suppose that is a Positive sign. He called me periodically throughout the day to let me know what was going on. i will let him tell you the WHOLE story behind his seeing her today, but he did mention to me that after his rounds he talked to her as some of the other nurses had suggested he do. That he had "rocked her world"...So what, get on with your life....anyway, so he talks to her and after all that was said and done, She says to him...

OW: well, you can always call me if you want to talk

WH: No, I am not going to call you...no need to

OW: you dont have to just stop calling me, you can just call to say hi or to "talk" if youwant.

WH: No I cant...

Isn't it nice of her to leave the door wide open like that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Good for him! His rebuttal to OW attempts should be commended.

Now,imagine that door that OW held open being(slammed! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )no,being closed for good.AHHHH!

O

Mom,

I know what you mean about leaving the door wide open. When FWH broke it off with OW on their camping weekend (just prior to d-day), she wrote him that she understood and she would always be there to have "as much or as little" friendship as he wanted. HA! I don't think she was talking about friendship, do you?

Then, after d-day (FWH admits he would have been sucked back into the relationship, despite having broken up with her) she tells him she still wants to be friends and flashes him the deaf sign for "I Love You." Even later still, she says to him, in passing at work, that they can still be friends without either me or OWH finding out (we just didn't understand the depths of this "friendship," you see). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Tell dad to hang in there. You too!

~ Snow

Mom, you should be proud of Dad. Keep up the good work.

I am so proud of Dad, and you. You guys are going to make it. HE ANSWERED SO WELL.. He need praise, love, appreciation.

And you are right to be wary of OW...she is a predator to your marriage. I know the work thing is hard, but God will provide. Would you put yourself in the lions den on purpose, and just hope that things worked out, day and night? Better yet, would you put your kids in the lions den...because this impacts the boys as much as you.

I know this can't be resolved quickly, but start brainstorming and see what else you can work out. Maybe he could sell his practice to another Doc, move on, etc. But exploration of options is probably in order (although you are already probably discussing this together). :-)

I'm glad he got through that so well!

What is wrong with women who don't understand why the "friendship" can't continue when the affair is over?

My husbands OW is actually mad at him because he is no longer her "friend" she is mad at me for taking steps to erase her from our lives too. She thinks it's none of my business <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> she has said that I have no RIGHT to tell him who he can and can't have as friends. Thinking about this stuff really causes me to get nauseated.

Thanks so much for all the support! Oh boy, this is so hard. I am very proud of him. I told him I was proud of him for be honest with me. Although this has really set him back. He is so depressed and I just cant seem to do anything to make it better! I just want make it all go away. But that isn't going to happen, is it? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dad posted in his thread about the encounter and I hope that you guys tell him that he was wrong what he did. He kissed her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I wont go there right now, cuz we have already discussed that. I did not get made I just simply said "and what does this tell her...you have left the door open for her now and she is thinking there is hope"

I dont know what to do about this one. I just hope this was closure for both of them. It has clearly set him back many steps...but I knew this day would come, so hopefully next time will be easier.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I feel so sad right now. What if he cant resist these urges. He obviously couldn'ttoay. I meand he didnt' get a hotel room with her, but he did KISS her. He just doesn't see what she is doing. she i manipulating him, she is using her power, which she now knows she has, over him. She is sweet talking him...and he just doesn't get it. I do that stuff to him, but it means nothing to him.

Spoke with SH today and asked him about the intimacy part. H has indicated his just not ready for it yet. So I asked SH about it. He asked me if I wanted to have sex with H and I said YES...he said then just do it. So what am I supposed to do, jump him! he says he isn't ready an I dont want to push him. But dang it.....what if he waits too long and then BAM, he needs it so he calls OW. I am so confused right now.
I can see the hurt in his eyes and I think he trully feels guilty about today, but she has got such an incredible hold on him and I feel powerless.

You know she is over there right now laughing her head off. hahahahah, he kissed me, na, na, na, na boo boo on you MRS WH! She now knows she has the ammunition and you think she is oging to use it??? He** yea, she is! Next time, she will corner him again....I cant deal with this. he is gone off to work now and I have nothing to hold onto. I just want to see him and hold him now.

I hate this, I hate her, I hate that she has destroyed him, us and she is still trying to get in the freakin way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Mom,

I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but you are experiencing exactly what I'm afraid I'll experience if my WH ever decides to end things with OW.

However, it does sound like your H really wants to work on your M (I've read some of his posts) so I think there is a lot of hope. He still just has some major withdrawal to work through, and I agree that N/C is going to be really important in his succeeding to get through it.

I pray for you and the others on here.

LL

Ok mom,just roll with those feelings,let them come.It will pass.

Call your WH and let him know how you feel,support him and tell him you are thinking of him.I know how you hate the OW.Belive me,I know.But please don't entertain those sickening thoughts about her laughing or whatever.She is SO not worth the time of day.

Get a grip and go do something constructive or soothing.Take a shower,do house cleaning,dance,write a letter to yourself about your feelings,play with your kids,etc,etc.

Your WH is in for a long haul and I know it pains you to see him hurt but that is his "cross to bear".Hopefully this last contact will help to realize even more how damaging it is for everyone for him to be in contact with that OW,especially if he lets himself get out of control and turns it physical.Just keep letting him know that you are there for HIM.

Also,try not to worry too much about the SF needs right now.I know you want to fulfill that but it is so soon that it make just take time for him to come around.He is still messed up big time so hang in there.Keep telling yourself :"He's addicted".This is NOT a quick recovery on any level.Just be *prepared for more of the same but *hope for the best.

O

I read what she said to him today.. She IS GOOD isn't she? MANIPULATION at it's best!

She had an advantage over you when this affair began, she knew that she was competing for his affection while you thought that you were in a stable and loving marriage. She said all the right things all the time. She knew that she had to step up her charms in order to get what she wanted. REALITY is so far apart from the fantasy of affairs! HE hears what she say's and thinks that she is concerned FOR him when in truth she is trying to keep the door open for her own selfish reasons.. she is like the best friend that hands you the keys when you've had too much to drink "I know that you have had too much to drink, I know that by doing this I could be destroying your life and your family, but you want these keys and I want to show you that I care so much about you that I'm willing to give you whatever you want to make you happy" her only concern is how he feels about her, she isn't worried about destroying his life your life or your childrens lives.