Hi Lost -


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When I put the kids to bed, he just left without saying anything. It just hurts. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WH has done this, too. As you can see by my sig line, he moved out in January. At first, he could only do his fatherly duties, then leave with not so much as a look. I have continued the best Plan A I can muster - and I truly think this has given him pause. Now when he leaves at night, we talk for a few minutes - joke a little bit. Relationship talk is out the window.

Right now, your WH may be feeling a huge amount of guilt. Perhaps the only way he knows how to deal with it is to simply leave, without even looking at you. It's happened to me, more than once - probably will happen again.

I know you're hurting right now, and for that I send you lots of hugs (((((((LNH))))))). Hang in there and continue with whatever plan you are doing (A??????). He'll come around sooner rather than later. You'll see.

WHB, thank you for letting me know their behavior. More important, thank you for your big hug. How I wish I am cuddled by H and cry. I don't know what I can do to let out the fear, and hurt. I have to pray to GOD.

WHB, did you H move back now? Are you in Plan B?

LNH - No, my WH is still with OW. So take my advice for what it's worth. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I'm just passing along my $.02 because I witnessed it firsthand. I wish I knew then what I know now. Things between us really are pretty good - completely separate from his R with OW. Meaning, our communication and such is really good considering what we're doing with our lives right now.

And my strong feeling is that the situation is only bearable because I have maintained steadfastly that I must remain in Plan A. I can tell by the way he looks at me that he is soooooo conflicted. And why else would he be conflicted - certainly not because I ignore him and LB every chance I get. I believe that he feels his time here at home with us is his respite from the world.

See if the OW can say that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

So, again, take my advice for what it's worth. I'm sure the OT'ers will chime in momentarily with much better words of wisdom.......

WHB, how did you manage to survive? You are so strong. You kids are little, do you work? How do you take care of your feeling? This feeling is killing me. I want it off me.

My husband also said that he didn't believe I loved him. I did! I just had so much anger that I had a hard time showing it.

My H left me and moved in with the other woman. We are reconciling though it's been a real struggle for me.

I know how painful this is for you. To be helpless while your life is spiraling out of control is so hard!

People do go back together, even when one moves out. Don't give up just yet.

I don't want to give up. I just feel so hopeless. This pain is so great, sometimes I want to kill myself to end all these.

I too had thoughts of suicide -- but what to do with 4 small children? And that was when I didn't think he was having an affair, only that he had gotten overly involved.

Probably the best you can do is realize that this will pass. It will. Even if he totally abandons you and marries OW, YOU are valuable and to be valued. He is doing something incredibly inconsiderate. He is hurting you terribly because it makes him feel good to be with some other man's wife. That is just plain wrong. NOTHING you did could have made him do that. There is no excuse for betrayal.

Hang on to the MB dates, and keep posting. And maybe you can set yourself a date for Plan B. With him away from you, you will gain more peace because he won't be able to interpret anything you do as justification to continue the affair.

Personally, I never could have done what you're doing. I had a hysterectomy, abruptly weaned our last child, and had him break my arm so severely that I had surgery -- all between December 5 and 28, 2001. BUT what hurt most was the affair, by far. You are going through a terrible trauma and he has decided that there is adequate justification to hurt you so badly. Hang on, but if you can't do it without tremendous harm to yourself, without feeling suicidal, cut him off until/unless he is willing to make a commitment to go through a program of recovery which starts with never seeing or talking with the lover again.

Someone once posted the three "C's" of Al-anon. I'm not sure I've got it right but it was something like you didn't cause this, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. Maybe you could look up Al-anon literature or even go to a support group for Al-anon to see what spouses of alcoholics endure that is similar to your situation.
Cherished

Cherished, thanks for your help. Whenever I saw a post to my thread, I didn't want to read it yet, it is not because I don't like it, it it because it is too valuable to me, I want to save it till last. All you guys are so great. I know that i am weak now. But i will be strong again. All these bad thoughts are Satan's destructive tool to kill me. i have to get rid of them. Please keep talking to me.

lostnhurt -

Sorry I couldn't talk to you. WH was over for his monthly reconciliation discussion, and it was hard to get rid of him.

I did give him a steak, salad and baked potato. I don't think that is in Plan B.

Believer, sorry for the interruption. What did you come up with?

LNH,

Each time I read one of your posts, my heart goes out to you. When you say sometimes you want to kill yourself, and when you just want out, that is exactly what I've felt (as I'm sure have many others on here). It's like you can't take one more minute of the pain, the not knowing.

I do believe Satan is working on us, trying to get us to break. But I also have to hold tight to the belief that God is using these things to grow us.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.... Romans 8:28"

This board is a lifesaver for me lately. I feel like I annoy people to death, but I don't know how I'd have maintained my focus as well as I have (which hasn't been very good) without it.

And it sounds like you and Believer have some good conversations, too. Just hang in there. Take it a minute at a time.

And if you can't take it any more, get up and just walk around. Pace your floor if you have to. I've done it to calm down. Just physically moving and forcing yourself to look around at things can briefly take your mind off your WH and the issues if you feel like you're really going nuts.

Are you able to eat anything yet?

LL

Just checking in to see how you are doing....

LNH I'm so sorry you are going through this. There's very little in life that hurts this bad, unfortunately I know this <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I too seriously contemplated ending my own life. Going through so much pain made life not worth living, add to that the nightmares about the 2 of them together and the constant intrusive thoughts of the things he said to me and I was getting no sleep at all. My mind just couldn't function on any level. I wasn't just suicidal I was also homicidal (I almost hate admitting that here on a public forum but I think it's important to show just how deep the trauma is) what saved me (besides thoughts of what would happen to my kids) was PlanB. I had never heard of it before, I'd never even been to this site, but that is what I did. I had no contact at all with him for some time. I decided that there was nothing I could do and that I had to try and go on with my life without him in it. I missed him so much though, but it was better than seeing him and not being able to be his wife again. I am pretty sure that given the state of my mental health at that time that had I not stayed completely away from him someone would have died (not sure exactly who) As long as I was still here all I was doing was crying, I couldn't eat, sleep, or think. I was making myself sick both physically and mentally. Leaving here lifted so much off of me, I can't really describe it but it really helped. Almost like when I locked the door to the house and walked away for the last time, I could breath again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by toomanylies:
<strong> LNH I'm so sorry you are going through this. There's very little in life that hurts this bad, unfortunately I know this <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I too seriously contemplated ending my own life. Going through so much pain made life not worth living, add to that the nightmares about the 2 of them together and the constant intrusive thoughts of the things he said to me and those horrid never ending panic attacks! I had no idea that it was possible to be woken up several times a night having panic attacks, I'm sure most of you know exactly what I mean. I was getting no sleep at all. My mind just couldn't function on any level. I wasn't just suicidal I was also homicidal (I almost hate admitting that here on a public forum but I think it's important to show just how deep the trauma is) what saved me (besides thoughts of what would happen to my kids) was PlanB. I had never heard of it before, I'd never even been to this site, but that is what I did. I had no contact at all with him for some time. I decided that there was nothing I could do and that I had to try and go on with my life without him in it. I missed him so much though, but it was better than seeing him and not being able to be his wife again. I am pretty sure that given the state of my mental health at that time that had I not stayed completely away from him someone would have died (not sure exactly who) As long as I was still here all I was doing was crying, I couldn't eat, sleep, or think. I was making myself sick both physically and mentally. Leaving here lifted so much off of me, I can't really describe it but it really helped. Almost like when I locked the door to the house and walked away for the last time, I could breath again. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SORRY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I meant to edit my post and I hit the quotation mark instead

<small>[ April 01, 2004, 06:36 AM: Message edited by: toomanylies ]</small>

Thanks friends. I could not sleep last night at all. What hurts me is not that he left. He said he rented an apartment, but not telling me where it is about and just left. He didn't take any personal belonging. If that is what he decide, i have to talk to him. I will have to go to PLAN B. I don't want to see him. But I still want him to go to the MB weekend. If in PLAN B, how to go? I don't know whehter I shuld just let it go like this, but this is too painful.

Last night, whenever i was awake, I prayed. This morning, I was practicing the positive thinking. I tried everything. I still don't want to eat. I must eat something. Oh, help me past this stage.

Plan B would end with the MB weekend at which he would make a commitment for a program of recovery which starts with a guarantee of separation from the addiction of OW. No eating, not sleeping, soon you'll be sick... Seriously consider Plan B now.

LNH, i did take a bottle of pills soon after i found out and confronted my H, i really didn't want to kill myself and wouldn't have done it if i didn't think i could make myself throw up but for instant i thought that would prove to my H just how serious i was and thought it would make him change his mind. but in the middle of taking the pills my H saw what i was doing and called EMS and i tried to make myself throw up and couldn't.what happened was just me going to the ER and going through a horrible exeprience of having my stomach pumped and looking at my H afterwards and thinking to myself that he probably thinks he needs to get away from me now more than ever.

i'm not sure that i necessarily regret what i did because that in some way made me realize just how selfish i'd been in my life and how i treated my H. of course, if i would have died, the OW would have won and i'm just not prepared to let that happen right now. do i still think about taking my life, yes, i can't help it. but how can i give up when there's always the possibilty that if i keep doing the MB concepts that in time my H will come back, and that's totally worth it to stick it out.

i hear what your saying about just wanting to cry and hold/hug your H but you know what I've been able to do some of that (hug and cry w/my h)and it's been good but has it really? i know he's trying to comfort me but is it truly what is good for me right now knowing that he's wants the OW and doesn't want to work on our M? i just don't know, but i don't want to be down the road and say well if i had just hugged him when he initiated it (during this time) then maybe it would have made a difference. he has initiated almost all the hugs since everything came out in the open. now granted they've only been in spurts because i'm living in another state (not because of this) and just try to savor the moments he does allow me to have.

not sure if this is really helping you or not but i don't know what else to say. i have my 2nd session w/SH tomorrow morning and hope to get more specific feedback/answers. the first session was mostly just telling him about my story. hugs and prayers to you.

I don't know what I am thinking now, it is hard to concentrate at work. I just have to try harder. All your support are helping me very much. Thanks, keep posting to me. I need your help.

^