I had written this letter to Wh. I want to send it via e-mail to him, then talk to him. Please give me some opinion.

Dear,

I would like to have some time with you to talk for some issues in our marriage.

Since mid December last year, our relationship started going down hill. I admitted that I am partially responsible for making you unhappy and am willing to change myself to meet your needs in the future. However, your affair is your choice and it hurts me and our children a LOT. I appreciate your honesty yesterday for telling me your relationship with other woman and ending it. I took your words and wish it states to be true. You should know that secrecy will not stay forever, whatever you’ve done, it will be known. If no human being knows, GOD will know it. You will be responsible for what you’ve done.

I love you and will love you for the rest of my life. Our kids love you too, I know that you love them. But you just left last night without telling us deeply hurt us again. Johnathan was crying this morning asking where you are about.

If you decide to leave, we need to sit down to talk about it. Here are some issues we need to discuss;

1. What is your plan? Can we work on a plan that is good for all of us?
2. Where do you live? How do we contact you in case of emergency?
3. You need to explain to kids why you are moving out.
4. You know that I teach nights and weekends in the summer, how to take care of our children?

Someone please give me opinion.

I would start on a Plan B letter.

I would agree with believer that it is time to work on a Plan B letter. Telling him "you need to" is not an appropriate approach for an addict. Think about his trying crack cocaine and becoming addicted. Falling in love creates a chemical change in the brain. He's not in his right mind. Plan B could jar him into action.

I think it possible that going to Plan B BEFORE the MarriageBuilder Weekend may actually help you because I am reading now about a woman who went with her H to the Orlando seminar in February, she found out that her H had been in contact with OW during the seminar, and now Harley is recommending Plan B. Plan B may be the impetus to get him to see what he is losing. However, I think the main reason for Plan B is for you to keep your mental and physical health. Stand back and let him figure out what he wants.

This MBW and follow-up, by the way, is no piece of cake. Will you have emotional reserve to handle it? We identified our emotional needs. I realized that honesty and openess is #1, and sexual fulfillment is #2. An affair really hurts both. Now I'm not sure I want to continue. We stopped until I can figure out what I want. My H is now in bed sick. When I figure out what I want, maybe he'll decide he's had enough with me. What I'm saying here is that you need to protect your own willingness to work on the M. There are massive Love Bank withdrawals going on with you seeing your H leave the house to go to OW. I sure couldn't handle that. I couldn't even handle his saying she was calling him and it would be rude of him to hang up.

People are different. Some can last in Plan A longer than others. You're doing far better than I ever could, but it seems to me that you should consider Plan B immediately.

Ok, help me with a plan B letter. I need to see how to arrange the kids. I teach 5;50-7:45pm. Can I ask him to stay with the kids and leave before I come home? I hate to think about him stay for a while and leave. But what other solution do i have? Sat he has to take them to Chinese school. I have to teach too. Apr. 9 will be a week of spring break. What about the kids. Before, he was taking off work to saty with them. I am off T, TH. Now what do I do?

All his stuff are still here. What do i do? Pack them and put them in fron door?

Waiting for someone's idea

First face that Plan B may cost a small fortune just to totally separate until the MBW. Look upon it as an expensive attempt to end the A quickly and much less expensive than a D.

Then look at your options, eliminating everything that includes any direct contact with you. Don't allow this situation to drag on. You may not be able to stand much more of this before you are done with the M no matter what. You can't believe that as a danger. But I know it is now.

Look at possible third parties to serve as intermediaries for having him have access to the kids -- family, friends, services used for families in which there has been abuse..

Harley's book Surviving an Affair has information on Plan B. If you tell SH how you are feeling, he may well want you in Plan B, too.

<small>[ April 01, 2004, 05:12 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

I don't have any family around except parents. But they don't live with me and they don't drive either. I don't know what to do. I am determined to do this now. just took the kids to grocery shopping and bought pizza for dinner. But I can't take pizza, so i only have soup for myself.

If he wants to see the kids, you need to have a way for him to see them. Can you move in with your parents and have him come get the kids? That way, you have a way to not be there (even if you are upstairs) when he comes to get the kids. This could be a very short-term solution, until you go on your cruise in three weeks.

I even don't know where he is. I am not sure how this is done. First I will draft a letter. Then some evenings he has to watch the kids. Then I will tell him to leave before I come home.

How old are your kids? Mine are too young for me to leave home alone.

If you stay in the home with the kids, he can come home anytime. If you move in with your parents, they can watch them while you are gone and he comes. If that won't work, hire a babysitter!

I joined a DivorceCare group and one guy who came ended up having to check himself into a psych hospital for 2 weeks after he learned of his wife's affair. IMHO, you aren't taking good enough care of yourself to last to 4/23!

My kids are 8 and 12. My parents even don't know what is going on here. If they know, they will be the ones I have to take care. Ihtought about have them stay with me, but it doesn't work because of that. I feel better now. I know I have to care good care of myself. I will.

Maybe your parents could help if they knew. If you said that he has an addiction and you have agreed to go to a program of recovery, would that help? You need to be away from him for a few weeks. If you move to their house, then he can't just show up. That would help to guarantee Plan B.

I'm not unaware of how it feels to think that keeping the disaster secret would help your M in the long run. I stayed away from all family for four months while my arm was in a cast. That was a real feat. I was scared, too, and recovering from other surgery just a few weeks before, but I did what I thought was best at the time.

When the affair came out and I told my parents, they were totally nonplussed about the affair but horrified about the broken arm.

It plain doesn't matter what is best for the M at this point. What matters is your health and ability to care for yourself and those children. Please consider your parents. Affairs were not unknown in your parents day either.

Parents live in senior housing. So they have to come to my house. This whole thing is just too crazy. But I will do my best to take care of myself and the kids.

^

What is going on? Have you seen him? If he wants to see the kids, perhaps you could be upstairs when he comes. You can arrange that you don't see each other, but perhaps those arrangements can be through third parties.

lost, just for a laugh read my post on the psychological warfare against the OW. smiles, hugs, and prayers to you.

Cherished, I did not see him. But I did talk to him on the phone. He was here made lunch for S. He will be here again tonight, becasue I have a meeting, that was arranged few weeks ago. But I did tell him to stay so I can talk to him. I need to work the plan out. He can not just sneak out like this without a word. Whatever we agree on, we will stick to it.

RR, I read your posts. It is great. But I don't hate OW. I do pray for their family will get back together.

I don't hate OW either, which is very uncharacteristic for me, the old me that is. with the changes i've made i can truly say i don't hate her or want to harm her. However, if she started to LB my H or she started changing towards my H maybe that would break up the A. How does that start to happen? don't know. I think that if anything was done then she and my H would know it was me and i just can't allow that to happen right now. i have to take the high road. now can i stop from thinking about what i could do to break them up? no but I'm sure they will fade in time.

Can't say i'm quite up to praying for her but maybe that's where i've been wrong. so thank you for putting that thought out there for me!